I had the pleasure recently of watching Interstellar recently. My husband and I hadn't managed any time alone together since early this year, so we made it a date and went to the movies.
It was rather more challenging than usual because of my husband suffering from a trapped nerve in his spine, which is causing him some not inconsiderable pain, but he dosed up on medication and struggled through.
Though it wasn't all to my taste, there were some interesting themes. In one of them, the main character has a scene with his daughter. He is going away for a long time and she is trying to persuade him to stay, says there are signs for him to stay, but he is determined to go and they part ways. Interestingly however he gets to 'watch' this scene again later on, in the future, and now because of his experiences his perspective is completely different and he feels he should have stayed.
This theme continues because even further into the film he realises he did the right thing in leaving after all. His mind has been changed yet again, because of his new found knowledge.
This really spoke to me. Like many people I have had a lot of struggles in my life with some very difficult issues. Many of those issues continue even now, and I do find it hard. But I realise that I am the person I am today because of those struggles and experiences. In essence, my perspective on so many things has changed because of my new found knowledge.
This is how it must be, I feel, if we're to move closer to God and be more effective in our lives.
The Bible encourages us to 'be transformed by the renewing of our minds' (Romans 12). One way this happens is to learn 'on the job' by experiencing things. Another way is to read the Bible and let its truths wash over us and grow inside us. A third way is to spend time with God to get His heavenly perspective, because things look so different from His point of view.
God encouraged me through the movie that it's all been worthwhile, that it will all make sense, and that as we approach the end of the year I can look back and really celebrate the progress that's been made.
I need that encouragement right now. It's a hard time for us financially with resources stretched very tight. We have four birthdays, Christmas and New Year in a 9 week window starting at the beginning of November and going through to January. Amongst this we have to take time off work as no-one wants things done over Christmas, so we have two people with no income for nearly 2 1/2 weeks. Just having the time off would be a challenge, let alone all that needs to be done on top.
In addition we have car issues, my vacuum cleaner and PC need replacing and we discovered a huge patio window is leaking and needs to be replaced, a huge slab of concrete removed, the damp proof course fixed and concrete re-laid. My internal flooring is wet and mouldy because of it and we've just entered winter. Plus we need two new windows put in by a builder, some plastering done and a children's room split into two as the kids sharing really need their own space.
I am so stretched time and work-wise and so feeling the pressure (as is my husband, who is also in pain and suffering), that I admit to having a wobble yesterday afternoon and shedding a few tears when my vacuum stopped for the umpteenth time.
But God spoke to me at church this morning (the service was brilliant, I shall share more about it next time) and all I can do is praise Him, believing He is good all the time and real help will appear just as I need it.
I had to lead the prayers in church today. I felt God say He wanted to reignite hope in people's hearts this advent (the period leading up to Christmas), hope for difficult things and maybe dreams long given up on and put away. He also wanted to encourage us to believe, not just as we prayed this morning, but to keep on believing in the days ahead, even when things look dark and hopeless. For He will come through, and all that we pray in accordance with His will He hears and promises to grant those desires. (1 John 5).
I must now swallow my own medicine and keep on believing, keep on trusting, keep on hoping. God is for us, He will bring the victory forth in every situation.
May you know hope and be able to believe in every situation too. Be blessed : )
Sunday, 30 November 2014
Thursday, 27 November 2014
No Pit Too Deep
Just recently I've had the pleasure of reading two of Corrie ten Boom's books. Corrie was a Dutch lady, who was taken prisoner along with her family, by the Nazis during the second world war for helping Jews escape the Nazis.
Corrie, a spinster, was in her 50s when she was taken prisoner, along with her father (who was in his 80s), her brother and her older sister, Betsie. Two of her nephews were also taken captive.
The story of their wartime experiences is told in 'The Hiding Place' and the sequel, 'Tramp for the Lord' tells of how Corrie travelled the world tirelessly under the Lord's direction, until well into her 80s, to tell people how God loves them.
The books are very moving indeed, and very enlightening. To read of people suffering such hardship, cruelty and evil, really does put the everyday problems I face into perspective. But one thing that really stood out to me were almost the last word's that Betsie ten Boom ever spoke to Corrie, before dying at Ravensbruck. It was God's commission to them - to Corrie - and what spurred Corrie on for so many years after:
"We must go everywhere. We must tell people that no pit is so deep that He is not deeper still. They will believe us, they will listen to us, because we were here."
If you have read previous posts you will know that we had a lot of heartache with my eldest daughter over the last two years. A lovely, Godly girl, she met and fell in love with a boy that was controlling and difficult, to put it mildly. He and his parents made life quite unbearable at times and on several occasions we had to get the Police involved - the problems were that serious, threatening and severe.
We could see it was a spiritual connection and a spiritual issue, but she hated us for trying to split them up and we suffered suicide threats, threats of leaving home and living with his family, and all sorts.
Amongst the mess, praise God, I knew God's peace. I was a little weary of it, and there were some awful times, but I knew the Lord. My husband found it more difficult. But ultimately the hardest thing was that it was so out of our control. We prayed and handed it to the Lord, but for two years it rumbled on with no sign of abatement.
Then suddenly, In late September, I heard that Ian McCormack, a man who had met God whilst dying after being stung many times by box jellyfish, was speaking locally. He had an amazing encounter with God and became a Christian and, like Corrie, has been travelling the world sharing his testimony and God's love ever since. My daughter said she wanted to go and hear him!
I took her, and she was so moved by what he shared that she gave her life back to God. The Holy Spirit moved upon her and she had a real God encounter. There was much crying and God really touched her heart.
I believe at that moment God somehow broke the connection she had had with her boyfriend, for since then she has become much more 'herself' again. The moods, threats, general difficult-ness has gone; it is like a light has been switched on again and she is blossoming.
Since then he has also been in touch with her, said that he had fallen out of love with her and did she give her permission for him to ask another girl out?! Praise God she was not heartbroken, but strangely unmoved and told him that was fine with her. She has also bumped into him and I asked her how that had made her feel - any butterflies or stomach lurch? She replied, "No, I felt nothing. That should tell me something, shouldn't it?"
She says now that she realises that even when you feel intensely for someone, your feelings can change, she just wasn't able to see or perceive that at the time.
But God has intervened, the relationship that was so binding, intense and all-consuming has been broken by the Lord, and with neither side being heartbroken - what a miracle. Two years of difficulty was suddenly over. Though at times the whole thing seemed like a deep pit that threatened to overwhelm us, the fact is, as Betsie said, 'No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still'.
I pray that this real life story of God moving in such a tangible way will encourage you to press on, keep trusting and keep believing. He is with us in the pit. He loves us in the pit. And when the time is right He rescues us from the pit.
Be blessed, especially as we approach Advent and remembering that Once Upon A Time, God Himself made Himself flesh, and came and suffered to save us. May you know Him with you : )
Corrie, a spinster, was in her 50s when she was taken prisoner, along with her father (who was in his 80s), her brother and her older sister, Betsie. Two of her nephews were also taken captive.
The story of their wartime experiences is told in 'The Hiding Place' and the sequel, 'Tramp for the Lord' tells of how Corrie travelled the world tirelessly under the Lord's direction, until well into her 80s, to tell people how God loves them.
The books are very moving indeed, and very enlightening. To read of people suffering such hardship, cruelty and evil, really does put the everyday problems I face into perspective. But one thing that really stood out to me were almost the last word's that Betsie ten Boom ever spoke to Corrie, before dying at Ravensbruck. It was God's commission to them - to Corrie - and what spurred Corrie on for so many years after:
"We must go everywhere. We must tell people that no pit is so deep that He is not deeper still. They will believe us, they will listen to us, because we were here."
If you have read previous posts you will know that we had a lot of heartache with my eldest daughter over the last two years. A lovely, Godly girl, she met and fell in love with a boy that was controlling and difficult, to put it mildly. He and his parents made life quite unbearable at times and on several occasions we had to get the Police involved - the problems were that serious, threatening and severe.
We could see it was a spiritual connection and a spiritual issue, but she hated us for trying to split them up and we suffered suicide threats, threats of leaving home and living with his family, and all sorts.
Amongst the mess, praise God, I knew God's peace. I was a little weary of it, and there were some awful times, but I knew the Lord. My husband found it more difficult. But ultimately the hardest thing was that it was so out of our control. We prayed and handed it to the Lord, but for two years it rumbled on with no sign of abatement.
Then suddenly, In late September, I heard that Ian McCormack, a man who had met God whilst dying after being stung many times by box jellyfish, was speaking locally. He had an amazing encounter with God and became a Christian and, like Corrie, has been travelling the world sharing his testimony and God's love ever since. My daughter said she wanted to go and hear him!
I took her, and she was so moved by what he shared that she gave her life back to God. The Holy Spirit moved upon her and she had a real God encounter. There was much crying and God really touched her heart.
I believe at that moment God somehow broke the connection she had had with her boyfriend, for since then she has become much more 'herself' again. The moods, threats, general difficult-ness has gone; it is like a light has been switched on again and she is blossoming.
Since then he has also been in touch with her, said that he had fallen out of love with her and did she give her permission for him to ask another girl out?! Praise God she was not heartbroken, but strangely unmoved and told him that was fine with her. She has also bumped into him and I asked her how that had made her feel - any butterflies or stomach lurch? She replied, "No, I felt nothing. That should tell me something, shouldn't it?"
She says now that she realises that even when you feel intensely for someone, your feelings can change, she just wasn't able to see or perceive that at the time.
But God has intervened, the relationship that was so binding, intense and all-consuming has been broken by the Lord, and with neither side being heartbroken - what a miracle. Two years of difficulty was suddenly over. Though at times the whole thing seemed like a deep pit that threatened to overwhelm us, the fact is, as Betsie said, 'No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still'.
I pray that this real life story of God moving in such a tangible way will encourage you to press on, keep trusting and keep believing. He is with us in the pit. He loves us in the pit. And when the time is right He rescues us from the pit.
Be blessed, especially as we approach Advent and remembering that Once Upon A Time, God Himself made Himself flesh, and came and suffered to save us. May you know Him with you : )
Tuesday, 11 November 2014
God Will Heal Your Pain Part 2
Well, better late than never!
The past month has seen: business accounts and tax returns completed, personal tax returns done, my birthday, my first tutorial and the start of studying for training to become a preacher (it took a while to get into it, I could hear the cogs in my brain squealing as they started up after many years of child-rearing and non-study time!), working hard to get some very essential jobs done on the house, my eldest son has had issues at school and we've had to look into whether he should move school and my eldest daughter had an operation. Plus everyone had to be fed, bills had to be paid and housework and work had to be done!
I'm aware I start many posts with a list of why I've been too busy to blog, and I'm sorry about that. I think on the whole these past 6 months or so I had become increasingly weary of the endless list of essential things to do, never seeming to be able to get onto the things I felt called to or drawn to, and being continually bogged down by ill health.
I have considered many times perhaps selling our home, as we have enough equity in it to at least clear our debts and make life a little simpler, at least financially. And with less money pressure I felt my health and the pressure on my husband to keep working with a trapped nerve in his back would be reduced. But one day when walking past a potential house we could move to, I felt God say quite clearly:
"You keep looking for an exit, but the only way out is through."
This was emphasised to me again when reading book 2 of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. The main character Katniss is speaking to an old friend of hers:
"I just can't wait for the whole thing to be over," I whisper.
"I know," says Greasy Sae. "But you've got to go through it to get to the end of it."
The ridiculous and sometimes overwhelming busyness, the spectre of debt always at the edge of my vision, the ill health that never seems to go away and sometimes comes screaming back into my life in full force, the long-held God-given dreams that have yet to materialise. All these things over decades of waiting have left me a little weary and battle fatigued. Then, when crying out to the Lord for help or seeing a potential solution, the Lord turns round and says 'there will be no short cuts with this lot, you must go through.'
But even I have to admit that God has spoken to me. And by speaking to me, He has shown me that He is with me in this. He is aware of what I'm going through, how tired I am. He's aware that the temptation to short cut this journey nags at me and it's hard to resist, as I can list so many positive things from relieving the pressure. And by the very fact that He's bothered to speak to me (I am only 1 person of nearly 7 billion on the planet), He's shown that He cares. And if He cares, and if He's aware, then it's reasonable to presume that He's got a plan and all the solutions I need are just a short distance away.
Who knows, maybe by being so grumpy, weary and negative and generally a bit 'doubting', I am actually slowing the whole thing down?
So, as well as being there in acute times of pain, He is there in the long, ongoing, wearying types of pain too. The 'I'm just so tired I don't think I can even cry or speak or lift myself out of this position anymore' type of pain.
I do have a ridiculous amount of pressures in my life right now, but having been assured that to find my answers I must press through, and that the only way to get to the end is to get going, I realise if I'm going to stick on this journey with Him I should work on my attitude. I can work on being more positive, seeing the good, speaking out the Word expecting it to come to pass.
On my birthday I made my husband and dog go on a long walk with me.
We basically walked from where I stood to take the photo, to over the brow of the hill in the distance and a bit beyond. It rained. The camera battery gave up. We lost the dog's lead and had to go back for it. But ... I spent time with my dear husband, I got exercise and I really enjoyed the walk. And looking back on the journey, on the sense of achievement having walked that far, is terrific. In essence, it was worth it. And it was a lovely view.
And I know that ever so quietly and unassumingly, someone else walked with us along the way ... If only I paid more attention to the fact that He's always with me, I might have a more worshipful and thankful attitude in my heart.
May you know Him on your journey, may He lift your weariness, and may He show you the way forward and give you hope. Be blessed : )
The past month has seen: business accounts and tax returns completed, personal tax returns done, my birthday, my first tutorial and the start of studying for training to become a preacher (it took a while to get into it, I could hear the cogs in my brain squealing as they started up after many years of child-rearing and non-study time!), working hard to get some very essential jobs done on the house, my eldest son has had issues at school and we've had to look into whether he should move school and my eldest daughter had an operation. Plus everyone had to be fed, bills had to be paid and housework and work had to be done!
I'm aware I start many posts with a list of why I've been too busy to blog, and I'm sorry about that. I think on the whole these past 6 months or so I had become increasingly weary of the endless list of essential things to do, never seeming to be able to get onto the things I felt called to or drawn to, and being continually bogged down by ill health.
I have considered many times perhaps selling our home, as we have enough equity in it to at least clear our debts and make life a little simpler, at least financially. And with less money pressure I felt my health and the pressure on my husband to keep working with a trapped nerve in his back would be reduced. But one day when walking past a potential house we could move to, I felt God say quite clearly:
"You keep looking for an exit, but the only way out is through."
This was emphasised to me again when reading book 2 of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. The main character Katniss is speaking to an old friend of hers:
"I just can't wait for the whole thing to be over," I whisper.
"I know," says Greasy Sae. "But you've got to go through it to get to the end of it."
The ridiculous and sometimes overwhelming busyness, the spectre of debt always at the edge of my vision, the ill health that never seems to go away and sometimes comes screaming back into my life in full force, the long-held God-given dreams that have yet to materialise. All these things over decades of waiting have left me a little weary and battle fatigued. Then, when crying out to the Lord for help or seeing a potential solution, the Lord turns round and says 'there will be no short cuts with this lot, you must go through.'
But even I have to admit that God has spoken to me. And by speaking to me, He has shown me that He is with me in this. He is aware of what I'm going through, how tired I am. He's aware that the temptation to short cut this journey nags at me and it's hard to resist, as I can list so many positive things from relieving the pressure. And by the very fact that He's bothered to speak to me (I am only 1 person of nearly 7 billion on the planet), He's shown that He cares. And if He cares, and if He's aware, then it's reasonable to presume that He's got a plan and all the solutions I need are just a short distance away.
Who knows, maybe by being so grumpy, weary and negative and generally a bit 'doubting', I am actually slowing the whole thing down?
So, as well as being there in acute times of pain, He is there in the long, ongoing, wearying types of pain too. The 'I'm just so tired I don't think I can even cry or speak or lift myself out of this position anymore' type of pain.
I do have a ridiculous amount of pressures in my life right now, but having been assured that to find my answers I must press through, and that the only way to get to the end is to get going, I realise if I'm going to stick on this journey with Him I should work on my attitude. I can work on being more positive, seeing the good, speaking out the Word expecting it to come to pass.
On my birthday I made my husband and dog go on a long walk with me.
We basically walked from where I stood to take the photo, to over the brow of the hill in the distance and a bit beyond. It rained. The camera battery gave up. We lost the dog's lead and had to go back for it. But ... I spent time with my dear husband, I got exercise and I really enjoyed the walk. And looking back on the journey, on the sense of achievement having walked that far, is terrific. In essence, it was worth it. And it was a lovely view.
And I know that ever so quietly and unassumingly, someone else walked with us along the way ... If only I paid more attention to the fact that He's always with me, I might have a more worshipful and thankful attitude in my heart.
May you know Him on your journey, may He lift your weariness, and may He show you the way forward and give you hope. Be blessed : )
Thursday, 9 October 2014
God Will Heal Your Pain: Part 1
Well, so much for aiming to post at least twice a month, if not every week! I can hardly believe it has been so long since I last wrote!
Life has been full and busy. By the time the children went back to school at the start of September, I realised just how run down and unwell I had become. Back to school means back to activities, and some of my children have started some new clubs. So at the moment on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday there are 3 activities after school involving four of us. Thursday 2 activities involving 2 of us. Friday and Saturday 1 activity for 1 person each day, and then church things on a Sunday involving up to 6 of us in two activities. That's a whole heap of running around! But I've prayed over it and feel these things are right, so I have to rely on God to give me the strength I need each day.
Also since I last wrote I have had a minor eye operation on three benign cysts around my eye. It was nothing major, but whilst trying to get back on my feet health-wise, it really took it out of me and was pretty sore for a bit - makes me appreciate the gift of sight.
There's also been getting into studying for learning to preach and lead services, as this is something I have felt the Lord call me to (more of this soon). And doing accounts and tax returns for our business, plus trying to sort out my very, very untidy disorganised house (in response to a word the Lord spoke to me through someone else some time ago, about dealing with the clutter in my life - both internal and external).
So in all of this activity, plus being quite unwell and having times where I become unable to do anything other than sit, rest and slowly get over it, the blog has been a bit sidelined. I am sorry - I love to write and hopefully bring a little encouragement from how God moves in my difficulties, but it simply has not been possible until today. I have actually just come back from the Doctors after another blood test to check something, and need to get on with the accounts, but thought, 'No! I am going to write the blog!'
I'll be honest and say that having such a prolonged period of ill health again has been very challenging to me; it feels as though life is passing me by and my children and husband have had to put up with me being ill and have sometimes had to step in to do what I cannot. I feel at times, like a burden.
I have been unwell for three years now and have seen no improvement since very early January. When I feel ill, it is not like having the flu. It feels more like I'm being poisoned, if that makes sense. It is horrendous. So as well as resting, and keeping my family ticking over as best I can, I have really been seeking the Lord in some deep times of prayer. I have really cried out to Him. For I know that Jesus died that I might be well. I know God promises health and provision and abundance in the Scriptures to those who love and follow Him. So where is the fruit of those promises in the situations I battle with - not just poor health, but also the financial struggles we have known for years?
It is an age old problem. Where is God when it hurts? Why has He not moved yet?
In my prayers and seeking after God I have felt the following replies:
First of all I feel certain that pain only shields us from an awareness of God's presence, it is not that He is not there, He is - we are just veiled from it for a while. He promised that he would always be with us, and so we must believe that He is. (See Deut 31: 8; Hebrews 13:5; Joshua 1: 5; Deut 31: 6; 1 Chron 28: 20; Matt 28: 20).
Second, I feel assured that He wants to deal with not only our physical pain, but our emotional and internal pain. During this time of seeking I had two dreams about this. In one I awoke with the words of a song I was writing in the dream on my lips: "Just as Autumn follows Summer, and with it comes the rain, so God's love will wash away the pain." I had a picture of something that is water soluable being put out in the rain and slowly melting. In the same way as we allow God's love to wash over our hearts, so He melts all our pain away. I am not there yet, but in the process.
In the second dream to this effect I saw art canvasses being painted with small brushstrokes, so that the canvasses looked like cracked mirrors, with lines going out all over the place. However, when I looked more closely at these canvasses, pictures became clear. One was a picture of a Christmas tree and a lovely Christmas scene. Another was a tree with a garden, with strings of lights in the trees and shrubs.
As I looked at these scenes someone explained to me that as a person feels pain, so a brush stroke is painted on the canvas. The more strokes, the more pain. The canvasses could be 'painted' by an individual, or by families (and presumably other groups too). But over time each would form a beautiful picture.
I guess we all have the potential to paint beautiful pictures, for our mess to become something others would be encouraged to see, if we allow God in and trust Him with it all.
Thirdly I have wrestled with God about my lack of peace in these situations. The illness I have makes me feel so physically unwell that it is incredibly hard to feel any sense of peace within it. Sometimes it feels as though my flesh is crawling and I cannot sit still. How can that be peaceful? But I feel that God would say that real peace comes, not when life is all quiet and peaceful, but when it is quite the opposite. Then when we feel or sense peace, we know it is a supernatural thing.
When at a small church group Monday night I asked for prayer for my health as it has been so poor. I felt very emotional in the asking, really quite desperate. I think when we come to God with such raw emotion like that He really loves to respond in kindness. A scripture had really leapt out to me that we had been reading: '... so your faith and hope are in God.' (1 Peter 1: 21). I felt God assure me that I could still put my faith and hope in Him, He was trustworthy in spite of how things seemed. And as the group prayed for healing, peace and help in all our difficult circumstances, I felt as if something gently moved through me. And since, I feel perhaps a little lighter. I have a greater assurance of God's good intentions and that He's in this mess with me, and I am able to trust Him better. Have I been unwell since Monday? Yes. But I have felt a little better emotionally in it, and in the quieter moments a bit more peaceful.
Fourthly I feel that at the right time He will move and sort this whole mess out - the health issues, the difficult financial issues. After a deep prayer time with my husband about it all I felt God give me Habakukk 2: 3 ('For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not delay.') and 2 Peter 3: 9 ('The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness').
Essentially God's will will be done, and although it looks as though the devil has won so often, it is simply the lion roaring (see 1 Peter 5: 8). A roar may be frightening, but it cannot hurt you. God will not be held up, or delayed. His promises will have the last word on the subject.
I am still journeying on, trying my best to seek God every day for His help and trusting each evening that although not healed today, that healing is surely coming. That financial miracle is surely coming. God has good plans for my family. And so on. But I do know I have learnt things on this journey I would not have learnt had my path been easy. I have compassion that I would not have had, if I had not walked on this more difficult path. And although my journey has been steep at times, and treacherous, I have stumbled and nearly turned back - I am convinced that it is all working to bring me nearer to God, and the view from up here will be awesome when there is a break in the clouds.
I pray for any reading, as I call on God for myself and my family:
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15: 13
As always, be blessed : )
Life has been full and busy. By the time the children went back to school at the start of September, I realised just how run down and unwell I had become. Back to school means back to activities, and some of my children have started some new clubs. So at the moment on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday there are 3 activities after school involving four of us. Thursday 2 activities involving 2 of us. Friday and Saturday 1 activity for 1 person each day, and then church things on a Sunday involving up to 6 of us in two activities. That's a whole heap of running around! But I've prayed over it and feel these things are right, so I have to rely on God to give me the strength I need each day.
Also since I last wrote I have had a minor eye operation on three benign cysts around my eye. It was nothing major, but whilst trying to get back on my feet health-wise, it really took it out of me and was pretty sore for a bit - makes me appreciate the gift of sight.
There's also been getting into studying for learning to preach and lead services, as this is something I have felt the Lord call me to (more of this soon). And doing accounts and tax returns for our business, plus trying to sort out my very, very untidy disorganised house (in response to a word the Lord spoke to me through someone else some time ago, about dealing with the clutter in my life - both internal and external).
So in all of this activity, plus being quite unwell and having times where I become unable to do anything other than sit, rest and slowly get over it, the blog has been a bit sidelined. I am sorry - I love to write and hopefully bring a little encouragement from how God moves in my difficulties, but it simply has not been possible until today. I have actually just come back from the Doctors after another blood test to check something, and need to get on with the accounts, but thought, 'No! I am going to write the blog!'
I'll be honest and say that having such a prolonged period of ill health again has been very challenging to me; it feels as though life is passing me by and my children and husband have had to put up with me being ill and have sometimes had to step in to do what I cannot. I feel at times, like a burden.
I have been unwell for three years now and have seen no improvement since very early January. When I feel ill, it is not like having the flu. It feels more like I'm being poisoned, if that makes sense. It is horrendous. So as well as resting, and keeping my family ticking over as best I can, I have really been seeking the Lord in some deep times of prayer. I have really cried out to Him. For I know that Jesus died that I might be well. I know God promises health and provision and abundance in the Scriptures to those who love and follow Him. So where is the fruit of those promises in the situations I battle with - not just poor health, but also the financial struggles we have known for years?
It is an age old problem. Where is God when it hurts? Why has He not moved yet?
In my prayers and seeking after God I have felt the following replies:
First of all I feel certain that pain only shields us from an awareness of God's presence, it is not that He is not there, He is - we are just veiled from it for a while. He promised that he would always be with us, and so we must believe that He is. (See Deut 31: 8; Hebrews 13:5; Joshua 1: 5; Deut 31: 6; 1 Chron 28: 20; Matt 28: 20).
Second, I feel assured that He wants to deal with not only our physical pain, but our emotional and internal pain. During this time of seeking I had two dreams about this. In one I awoke with the words of a song I was writing in the dream on my lips: "Just as Autumn follows Summer, and with it comes the rain, so God's love will wash away the pain." I had a picture of something that is water soluable being put out in the rain and slowly melting. In the same way as we allow God's love to wash over our hearts, so He melts all our pain away. I am not there yet, but in the process.
In the second dream to this effect I saw art canvasses being painted with small brushstrokes, so that the canvasses looked like cracked mirrors, with lines going out all over the place. However, when I looked more closely at these canvasses, pictures became clear. One was a picture of a Christmas tree and a lovely Christmas scene. Another was a tree with a garden, with strings of lights in the trees and shrubs.
As I looked at these scenes someone explained to me that as a person feels pain, so a brush stroke is painted on the canvas. The more strokes, the more pain. The canvasses could be 'painted' by an individual, or by families (and presumably other groups too). But over time each would form a beautiful picture.
I guess we all have the potential to paint beautiful pictures, for our mess to become something others would be encouraged to see, if we allow God in and trust Him with it all.
Thirdly I have wrestled with God about my lack of peace in these situations. The illness I have makes me feel so physically unwell that it is incredibly hard to feel any sense of peace within it. Sometimes it feels as though my flesh is crawling and I cannot sit still. How can that be peaceful? But I feel that God would say that real peace comes, not when life is all quiet and peaceful, but when it is quite the opposite. Then when we feel or sense peace, we know it is a supernatural thing.
When at a small church group Monday night I asked for prayer for my health as it has been so poor. I felt very emotional in the asking, really quite desperate. I think when we come to God with such raw emotion like that He really loves to respond in kindness. A scripture had really leapt out to me that we had been reading: '... so your faith and hope are in God.' (1 Peter 1: 21). I felt God assure me that I could still put my faith and hope in Him, He was trustworthy in spite of how things seemed. And as the group prayed for healing, peace and help in all our difficult circumstances, I felt as if something gently moved through me. And since, I feel perhaps a little lighter. I have a greater assurance of God's good intentions and that He's in this mess with me, and I am able to trust Him better. Have I been unwell since Monday? Yes. But I have felt a little better emotionally in it, and in the quieter moments a bit more peaceful.
Fourthly I feel that at the right time He will move and sort this whole mess out - the health issues, the difficult financial issues. After a deep prayer time with my husband about it all I felt God give me Habakukk 2: 3 ('For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not delay.') and 2 Peter 3: 9 ('The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness').
Essentially God's will will be done, and although it looks as though the devil has won so often, it is simply the lion roaring (see 1 Peter 5: 8). A roar may be frightening, but it cannot hurt you. God will not be held up, or delayed. His promises will have the last word on the subject.
I am still journeying on, trying my best to seek God every day for His help and trusting each evening that although not healed today, that healing is surely coming. That financial miracle is surely coming. God has good plans for my family. And so on. But I do know I have learnt things on this journey I would not have learnt had my path been easy. I have compassion that I would not have had, if I had not walked on this more difficult path. And although my journey has been steep at times, and treacherous, I have stumbled and nearly turned back - I am convinced that it is all working to bring me nearer to God, and the view from up here will be awesome when there is a break in the clouds.
I pray for any reading, as I call on God for myself and my family:
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15: 13
As always, be blessed : )
Monday, 25 August 2014
Holiday Snaps : )
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| A typical Cornish cove, with rocky outcrops, rock pools and lots of surfers! |
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| The rock in the foreground is covered in mussels. When I said I wanted to holiday near Muscle Beach, this isn't what I meant Lord! (But honestly, apart from sleep deprivation, it was lovely and we will go back : D ) |
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| The green lady on the woodland walk. |
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| A view across the meadow, after the woodland and jungle walks, before the lawn games and rope swing. |
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| Sunshine and joy in a flower bed |
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| This bark looked unreal, almost like a 'wood effect' tree! |
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| I am the rose of Sharon and the lily of the valleys (Song of Songs 2:1) |
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| He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul (Psalm 23). The day did indeed bring forth a soul restoring joy. |
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| Sunset over a Cornish farm on the way back from Polzeath one day - the photo does not do the sunset colours justice! |
I must go now. It's been chucking it down with rain all day and three of the family have been out in it doing various things. They will no doubt be looking forward to a hot meal a little later and I have to start sorting the large amounts of holiday and pre-holiday washing left to do! And I've got to walk the dog - better dig out the waterproofs!
As always I pray you will be blessed, and we will all know God more fully as we continue our (sometimes difficult) journeys along the roads of our lives. Hopefully, it won't be a month before next post : )
Journey Into God's Heart
I can hardly believe that it has been nearly a month since my last post, but my absence can be explained by work, illness and being away last week on holiday.
Here in the UK children get only 5 1/2 weeks off school for the summer. Our business had been busy as part of what we do is gardening, so as you can imagine during the warmer months when everything grows like mad we are in demand. Therefore we'd been very busy leading up to the children's time off school, then the first week the younger ones were at a holiday club, so I continued to work long hours.
Then during my first 'week off' we had a constant stream of their friends over for sleepovers, play dates, etc, which also involved a lot of running around. We also had a wedding to attend. The following week was spent trying to get washing and the house up together enough for us to go away for our week in Cornwall. Needless to say before we went away I was utterly exhausted.
The week in Cornwall was lovely. We saw some wonderful places, spent time on the beach and the children had the opportunity to try new activities with varying degrees of success. We also had much needed 'family time'. But the weather had turned so it was a little chilly, and our 'double' bed was actually not much more than 4 foot wide (1.2 metres) and 5 foot 6 inches (1.6 metres) long. Therefore I became further run down with all the activity and fresh air and didn't sleep at all well. My husband kindly decided to sleep in the lounge so I could get some rest, but sleep was fitful and the last night I didn't sleep at all, so I ended up awake for over 32 hours, which resulted in me feeling dreadful. All in spite of prayer, faith and trusting God.
I have been reading some great books by Jennifer Rees Larcombe, Unexpected Healing and Journey Into God's Heart. She suffered from repeated bouts of a brain disease called encephalitis, which resulted in near death several times and her ending up being disabled. She was eventually healed completely, but it took 8 years, during which her many children grew up with a very poorly, disabled Mum. Then when she was miraculously healed she and her family had to readjust to her being well, but still get over the loss of her not being able to be a hands on Mum when the children really needed it when they were younger. (Oh how I relate to those years 'lost' to illness!)
God has really spoken to me through the books. Mrs Larcombe describes how she had to readjust to being disabled, when she had been very able-bodied before and finally coming to terms with that 'label' and identifying with that group of people. Her difficulties and frustration spoke to me because I realise I have been acting as though I am a completely well person and getting thoroughly frustrated when my body did not live up to expectations. I finally realise and am coming to terms with the fact that I am a person with significant health issues, who cannot expect to function and perform like a 'well' person'. My body simply does not cope as well as others and the long term medical and health issues, although seeing improvements from time to time, are very much still there and have to be handled with both rest and medication. And there are times, like when we arrived home from holiday, when I cannot function at all (I went to bed as soon as we arrived home at 4.50pm, and did not emerge for another 15 hours).
Does that mean that I have set aside hope for healing? No, not at all! In fact I fully believe that I shall be one of the fittest, most well people for miles and miles around. But I am coming to terms with the fact that my appointment with God has not happened yet, and I therefore need to live more carefully within the boundaries of my illness, for when I overstep my capabilities not only I, but my whole family suffers the consequences.
On the road to healing and whilst in the midst of a very difficult time, Mrs Larcombe describes a meeting with God that for her just as miraculous as the sudden and complete healing itself. She was very frustrated with God and got herself into a pickle whilst trying to go for a walk by herself, instead finding herself face down in a mud pool in a field, covered in mud and cow dung:
"You've turned it all to s**t!" I told God loudly. The more I struggled the deeper I sank, and it seemed to be the same with my problems.
"This is all your fault!" I added furiously. "You could change everything if only you'd heal me! ... I'm fed up of being trapped inside this body that hurts all the time, my marriage is in ruins, the children are vile and you don't take a blind bit of notice!"
As I lay there beside myself with rage and frustration, God actually came to me. I didn't 'see' him but the sense of his love all around me was so intense it made me gasp ... I did not hear an audible voice but I felt he wanted me to know that he cared about the awful mess I was in, and he minded. Yet instead of taking it away he wanted me to let him into the middle of it ... I only had to ask and he would come."
Journey Into God's Heart, Jennifer Rees Larcombe
As if to confirm that is what the Lord wants I had a dream last night. In it we were supposed to be coming home from being away, but instead of going south back home, I had fallen asleep in the car and awoke to find that we had travelled further north, to a house of someone else who is going through a tough time. I was at first very frustrated, but there we started working on song writing together (in the dream that was my job), and I awoke with a few words from a song we'd written going round in my head:
"Just as surely as Autumn follows Summer, and with it comes the rain, so (God's) love will wash away the pain."
I am certain that I am on the road to healing, in fact it's a little more like a mountainous, rocky path, climbing up to meet God on the summit, just as Moses and Jesus did in the Bible. But in the meantime I have to open up my heart and allow Him into the centre of my pain and difficulty, trusting that His love and His presence will be sufficient for me in the process. And in the meantime I will have to learn to be more patient and endure my limitations with better grace and judgement, and adapt life accordingly, until God chooses to remove them.
God confirmed this to me through a bookmark I had picked up in church just before we went away. the following photos were taken on holiday:
When I was reading one evening on holiday I looked at the bookmark and it was a photo of windmills exactly like those above! I felt God was saying that He knew all about me, where I was going, and in spite of how it seems, He is in control. The scripture on the bookmark read 'God's Spirit fills us with power and self control' 2 Timothy 1: 7. As the Bible says that God Himself is love, and as the Holy Spirit is God, that could be paraphrased to say, 'God's love fills us with power and self control' (even in the midst of my overwhelming weakness). Oh how I need that love, that power and that self-control, so I may be loving and patient (and not grumpy, frustrated, short-tempered and cross, as I am sadly so regularly when feeling so unwell) in my struggles!
Again God has confirmed this to me via a prophetic word on The Elijah List. It's by Ben Peters, posted August 23rd, entitled 'Turning Disappointments Into Greater Favour - A Vision of New Pathway". Part of it says:
"Many of God's people today are wondering what's going on. They thought they were on the path of God's choosing for them. But roadblocks have put them on a detour and they are wondering why. For many of them, God has had to do some road repairs to prepare for their more efficient progress. They haven't been rejected or set on the shelf. Instead, they are being given a brief time of rest and refreshing, so they can make much quicker progress on a road that has been repaired and prepared for greater and more glorious Kingdom advancement."
God is indeed transforming me and repairing me for the path he has for me ahead. So I am spending more time with God. Not trying to fix myself or getting angry when I do not seem to be getting better. But just asking for more of His love to overflow me, and give me the grace to endure patiently, as I await further divine intervention and healing.
I will do a further post shortly with some additional holiday snaps I hope will bless you. But apologies for the absence. I pray your summer has been blessed, even if perhaps difficult, and that we all may know more of God's love in our trials, and beyond. Be blessed : )
Here in the UK children get only 5 1/2 weeks off school for the summer. Our business had been busy as part of what we do is gardening, so as you can imagine during the warmer months when everything grows like mad we are in demand. Therefore we'd been very busy leading up to the children's time off school, then the first week the younger ones were at a holiday club, so I continued to work long hours.
Then during my first 'week off' we had a constant stream of their friends over for sleepovers, play dates, etc, which also involved a lot of running around. We also had a wedding to attend. The following week was spent trying to get washing and the house up together enough for us to go away for our week in Cornwall. Needless to say before we went away I was utterly exhausted.
The week in Cornwall was lovely. We saw some wonderful places, spent time on the beach and the children had the opportunity to try new activities with varying degrees of success. We also had much needed 'family time'. But the weather had turned so it was a little chilly, and our 'double' bed was actually not much more than 4 foot wide (1.2 metres) and 5 foot 6 inches (1.6 metres) long. Therefore I became further run down with all the activity and fresh air and didn't sleep at all well. My husband kindly decided to sleep in the lounge so I could get some rest, but sleep was fitful and the last night I didn't sleep at all, so I ended up awake for over 32 hours, which resulted in me feeling dreadful. All in spite of prayer, faith and trusting God.
I have been reading some great books by Jennifer Rees Larcombe, Unexpected Healing and Journey Into God's Heart. She suffered from repeated bouts of a brain disease called encephalitis, which resulted in near death several times and her ending up being disabled. She was eventually healed completely, but it took 8 years, during which her many children grew up with a very poorly, disabled Mum. Then when she was miraculously healed she and her family had to readjust to her being well, but still get over the loss of her not being able to be a hands on Mum when the children really needed it when they were younger. (Oh how I relate to those years 'lost' to illness!)
God has really spoken to me through the books. Mrs Larcombe describes how she had to readjust to being disabled, when she had been very able-bodied before and finally coming to terms with that 'label' and identifying with that group of people. Her difficulties and frustration spoke to me because I realise I have been acting as though I am a completely well person and getting thoroughly frustrated when my body did not live up to expectations. I finally realise and am coming to terms with the fact that I am a person with significant health issues, who cannot expect to function and perform like a 'well' person'. My body simply does not cope as well as others and the long term medical and health issues, although seeing improvements from time to time, are very much still there and have to be handled with both rest and medication. And there are times, like when we arrived home from holiday, when I cannot function at all (I went to bed as soon as we arrived home at 4.50pm, and did not emerge for another 15 hours).
Does that mean that I have set aside hope for healing? No, not at all! In fact I fully believe that I shall be one of the fittest, most well people for miles and miles around. But I am coming to terms with the fact that my appointment with God has not happened yet, and I therefore need to live more carefully within the boundaries of my illness, for when I overstep my capabilities not only I, but my whole family suffers the consequences.
On the road to healing and whilst in the midst of a very difficult time, Mrs Larcombe describes a meeting with God that for her just as miraculous as the sudden and complete healing itself. She was very frustrated with God and got herself into a pickle whilst trying to go for a walk by herself, instead finding herself face down in a mud pool in a field, covered in mud and cow dung:
"You've turned it all to s**t!" I told God loudly. The more I struggled the deeper I sank, and it seemed to be the same with my problems.
"This is all your fault!" I added furiously. "You could change everything if only you'd heal me! ... I'm fed up of being trapped inside this body that hurts all the time, my marriage is in ruins, the children are vile and you don't take a blind bit of notice!"
As I lay there beside myself with rage and frustration, God actually came to me. I didn't 'see' him but the sense of his love all around me was so intense it made me gasp ... I did not hear an audible voice but I felt he wanted me to know that he cared about the awful mess I was in, and he minded. Yet instead of taking it away he wanted me to let him into the middle of it ... I only had to ask and he would come."
Journey Into God's Heart, Jennifer Rees Larcombe
As if to confirm that is what the Lord wants I had a dream last night. In it we were supposed to be coming home from being away, but instead of going south back home, I had fallen asleep in the car and awoke to find that we had travelled further north, to a house of someone else who is going through a tough time. I was at first very frustrated, but there we started working on song writing together (in the dream that was my job), and I awoke with a few words from a song we'd written going round in my head:
"Just as surely as Autumn follows Summer, and with it comes the rain, so (God's) love will wash away the pain."
I am certain that I am on the road to healing, in fact it's a little more like a mountainous, rocky path, climbing up to meet God on the summit, just as Moses and Jesus did in the Bible. But in the meantime I have to open up my heart and allow Him into the centre of my pain and difficulty, trusting that His love and His presence will be sufficient for me in the process. And in the meantime I will have to learn to be more patient and endure my limitations with better grace and judgement, and adapt life accordingly, until God chooses to remove them.
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| God wants me to put my hand in His and not worry about the incoming tide or the storms on the horizon, but to trust His love is more than enough ... |
God confirmed this to me through a bookmark I had picked up in church just before we went away. the following photos were taken on holiday:
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| Energy generating windmills are a common sight in Cornwall ... |
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| Winds, storms and 'difficulties' are transformed into power with the right bit of kit! |
When I was reading one evening on holiday I looked at the bookmark and it was a photo of windmills exactly like those above! I felt God was saying that He knew all about me, where I was going, and in spite of how it seems, He is in control. The scripture on the bookmark read 'God's Spirit fills us with power and self control' 2 Timothy 1: 7. As the Bible says that God Himself is love, and as the Holy Spirit is God, that could be paraphrased to say, 'God's love fills us with power and self control' (even in the midst of my overwhelming weakness). Oh how I need that love, that power and that self-control, so I may be loving and patient (and not grumpy, frustrated, short-tempered and cross, as I am sadly so regularly when feeling so unwell) in my struggles!
Again God has confirmed this to me via a prophetic word on The Elijah List. It's by Ben Peters, posted August 23rd, entitled 'Turning Disappointments Into Greater Favour - A Vision of New Pathway". Part of it says:
"Many of God's people today are wondering what's going on. They thought they were on the path of God's choosing for them. But roadblocks have put them on a detour and they are wondering why. For many of them, God has had to do some road repairs to prepare for their more efficient progress. They haven't been rejected or set on the shelf. Instead, they are being given a brief time of rest and refreshing, so they can make much quicker progress on a road that has been repaired and prepared for greater and more glorious Kingdom advancement."
God is indeed transforming me and repairing me for the path he has for me ahead. So I am spending more time with God. Not trying to fix myself or getting angry when I do not seem to be getting better. But just asking for more of His love to overflow me, and give me the grace to endure patiently, as I await further divine intervention and healing.
I will do a further post shortly with some additional holiday snaps I hope will bless you. But apologies for the absence. I pray your summer has been blessed, even if perhaps difficult, and that we all may know more of God's love in our trials, and beyond. Be blessed : )
Sunday, 27 July 2014
Captain Phillips
This weekend I watched the film Captain Phillips, starring Tom Hanks. I wasn't sure what to expect, knowing just a little about it, but as well as thoroughly enjoying it (it was so tense I may have even lost weight watching it!), God spoke to me profoundly through the movie.
The film is about the Captain of a cargo ship, sailing from Oman to Kenya, via the Somali Basin in the Indian Ocean. Part way through the trip the boat is attacked and boarded by Somali pirates.
Now if you intend to watch the movie don't read on, as there will be plot spoilers!
The pirates try to board once, and fail, before coming back and trying again. They were able to board because of a weak spot in the ship's defences. They rob money from the safe and then, through a series of events, take the Captain hostage on the cargo ship's lifeboat and try to escape to the Somali mainland, with the intention of raising a large ransom.
The Captain, who is now in a small boat with four angry pirates, is obviously frightened. Knowing it's a real event makes you wonder how he coped. But then he hears a comforting sound - the cargo ship's horn! His friends have called for help and are sticking with him until that help arrives.
A day or so afterwards, a large bright light is shone onto the lifeboat. The Captain wonders what on earth is happening, and as he steals a glimpse to the world outside he sees that an American navy warship has arrived! Obviously another level of comfort ensues, but the Navy still need to somehow deal with the pirates and get him off the lifeboat alive.
Negotiations start, and it isn't too long before another warship and an aircraft carrier arrive. On top of that 50 - 80 Navy seals are dropped from planes overhead to help secure the Captain's release.
It results in the lifeboat being towed behind one of the warships whilst the pirates believe negotiations are going on with their village elders to pay for the Captain's release. The lifeboat bounces around in the ship's wake, and at a couple of points the Captain even tries to escape, causing him even more problems. But the action culminates when the Seal team lines up the pirates in their sights and shoot. The remaining pirate who had been taken aboard the warship for 'negotiations' is tried and imprisoned in America for piracy.
With the pirates dealt with the Captain is taken aboard the warship, to the infirmary to be checked out and patched up. There they take care of him, before he returns home safely to his family in America.
For me, I simply was enjoying the movie. But at the end, after such a tense time (because I did not know the outcome, having not heard it in the news), when he was taken to the infirmary - shocked, traumatised, injured, bleeding - and the medical officer showed him such kindness, I started to cry. The officer kept reassuring him, "It's OK, you're safe now. It's all going to be alright. You're in a safe place now. Your family knows you're safe. You can relax now. Don't worry, it is all OK." I realised, deep down in my spirit, which was being moved greatly, that it's that reassurance that we all need to hear - that I need to hear. I want to relax. I want everything to be OK.
My spirit cried out to be in that place of safety, on the warship, in the infirmary, being given the comfort and reassurance of safety and recovery, because victory had been achieved. Having the knowledge that I was free, that my enemies and problem situations had been dealt with.
The whole story resonates so deeply with the Christian experience. Just like Captain Phillips, God so often gives us orders, or makes requests of us, that take us into dangerous waters and into the enemy's sights. There we are, just minding our own business, getting on with whatever God has told us to do, when suddenly attack comes. It could be a health issue, or a financial one; we could have a sudden issue with a relative, friend, acquaintance or colleague, or some other unexpected accident, mishap or breakage occurs.
As in the film when so many difficult circumstances have occurred in my life and I have been taken hostage in dreadful circumstances, I have known the comfort of having a container ship of friends nearby. We have had prayer and emotional support and encouragement, and acts of kindness in abundance. God has loved us through His people.
But I realise now, that in our particular situation, people cannot put our problems right, they cannot see off the attack of the enemy. For me, I feel as though I am still being held hostage in that small, uncomfortable, stinking life boat. The leader, for me represented by the trauma of child-hood abuse and neglect, has been taken away (although not 100% dealt with yet). But I am still being held hostage by health issues, by crippling debt, by family problems and a lack of movement into the specific promises of God to me. And these pirates continue to use fear and intimidation to control me.
It is hard, but in my spirit, I do my best to still be standing up on the inside. To trust the presence of my God and His warring angels (the Naval warships, their crew and the specialist groups of Navy seals), and to believe for a full and final rescue from these forces of evil (to be free circumstantially, as well as in the Spirit).
Sure there have been times, as in the film, that I have tried to rescue myself and only caused more problems or made the situation worse. But I feel, in my heart and my spirit, God reassuring me to just hold on - rescue is coming. And I will get to the place where I am in the infirmary, safe in His arms, resting secure in the knowledge that the enemy is dead and I am saved. I will get to the place, where for a while at least, I can relax.
Perhaps, as in the movie, my freedom will come suddenly. Certainly there are many 'suddenlies' in the Bible. Perhaps freedom from the huge issues that threaten me will be a gradual thing. But I can honestly say, that although things seem very grim at times, even though my health is still a major issue, and money is a constant source of concern, family issues still rage on and the promises seem far off, I just know, that I know, that I know, that God is on the attack and victory is near. That's not to say I don't have moments of doubt and weeping wobblies, but when I am quiet in my spirit, that reassurance that I so desperately need, is there. After each bout of 'wobbliness', if I listen, encouragement always comes.
I am still boggled after watching the movie that America was willing to send so very many people and resources to save just one man. But really, we shouldn't wonder at that. Because are we not made in God's image, and did He not send the most precious and wonderful thing He had - His Son, to save even just one of us? Didn't Father send Jesus for you? For me? And because of Christ's sacrifice assuring us of victory if only we hang on and keep faith, should we really boggle at the fact that God would send armies of His angels, and indeed come Himself, to rescue us (even if we did help get ourselves into the problems in the first place)?
We may question 'why?', when we are walking in obedience, that such bad things should happen to us. We may question where was God's protection? But I feel so very reassured, in faith, even though my circumstances remain and continue to intimidate me, that I do not need to question if victory is coming. I may be in a lifeboat surrounded by pirates, but I am tethered to the mother ship, and freedom is close at hand.
For all those who like me continue to suffer poor circumstances, I pray that you would be encouraged to know that just as Captain Phillips was indeed saved despite overwhelming odds to the contrary, so we shall be saved too. After all, Jesus is the good shepherd who leaves the ninety-nine safe sheep to find the missing one (Matthew 18: 12 - 14). For those 'missing' ones, for those held captive, I pray that God Himself would comfort you wherever you are right now, whilst you endure until your release.
Be blessed : )
The film is about the Captain of a cargo ship, sailing from Oman to Kenya, via the Somali Basin in the Indian Ocean. Part way through the trip the boat is attacked and boarded by Somali pirates.
Now if you intend to watch the movie don't read on, as there will be plot spoilers!
The pirates try to board once, and fail, before coming back and trying again. They were able to board because of a weak spot in the ship's defences. They rob money from the safe and then, through a series of events, take the Captain hostage on the cargo ship's lifeboat and try to escape to the Somali mainland, with the intention of raising a large ransom.
The Captain, who is now in a small boat with four angry pirates, is obviously frightened. Knowing it's a real event makes you wonder how he coped. But then he hears a comforting sound - the cargo ship's horn! His friends have called for help and are sticking with him until that help arrives.
A day or so afterwards, a large bright light is shone onto the lifeboat. The Captain wonders what on earth is happening, and as he steals a glimpse to the world outside he sees that an American navy warship has arrived! Obviously another level of comfort ensues, but the Navy still need to somehow deal with the pirates and get him off the lifeboat alive.
Negotiations start, and it isn't too long before another warship and an aircraft carrier arrive. On top of that 50 - 80 Navy seals are dropped from planes overhead to help secure the Captain's release.
It results in the lifeboat being towed behind one of the warships whilst the pirates believe negotiations are going on with their village elders to pay for the Captain's release. The lifeboat bounces around in the ship's wake, and at a couple of points the Captain even tries to escape, causing him even more problems. But the action culminates when the Seal team lines up the pirates in their sights and shoot. The remaining pirate who had been taken aboard the warship for 'negotiations' is tried and imprisoned in America for piracy.
With the pirates dealt with the Captain is taken aboard the warship, to the infirmary to be checked out and patched up. There they take care of him, before he returns home safely to his family in America.
For me, I simply was enjoying the movie. But at the end, after such a tense time (because I did not know the outcome, having not heard it in the news), when he was taken to the infirmary - shocked, traumatised, injured, bleeding - and the medical officer showed him such kindness, I started to cry. The officer kept reassuring him, "It's OK, you're safe now. It's all going to be alright. You're in a safe place now. Your family knows you're safe. You can relax now. Don't worry, it is all OK." I realised, deep down in my spirit, which was being moved greatly, that it's that reassurance that we all need to hear - that I need to hear. I want to relax. I want everything to be OK.
My spirit cried out to be in that place of safety, on the warship, in the infirmary, being given the comfort and reassurance of safety and recovery, because victory had been achieved. Having the knowledge that I was free, that my enemies and problem situations had been dealt with.
The whole story resonates so deeply with the Christian experience. Just like Captain Phillips, God so often gives us orders, or makes requests of us, that take us into dangerous waters and into the enemy's sights. There we are, just minding our own business, getting on with whatever God has told us to do, when suddenly attack comes. It could be a health issue, or a financial one; we could have a sudden issue with a relative, friend, acquaintance or colleague, or some other unexpected accident, mishap or breakage occurs.
As in the film when so many difficult circumstances have occurred in my life and I have been taken hostage in dreadful circumstances, I have known the comfort of having a container ship of friends nearby. We have had prayer and emotional support and encouragement, and acts of kindness in abundance. God has loved us through His people.
But I realise now, that in our particular situation, people cannot put our problems right, they cannot see off the attack of the enemy. For me, I feel as though I am still being held hostage in that small, uncomfortable, stinking life boat. The leader, for me represented by the trauma of child-hood abuse and neglect, has been taken away (although not 100% dealt with yet). But I am still being held hostage by health issues, by crippling debt, by family problems and a lack of movement into the specific promises of God to me. And these pirates continue to use fear and intimidation to control me.
It is hard, but in my spirit, I do my best to still be standing up on the inside. To trust the presence of my God and His warring angels (the Naval warships, their crew and the specialist groups of Navy seals), and to believe for a full and final rescue from these forces of evil (to be free circumstantially, as well as in the Spirit).
Sure there have been times, as in the film, that I have tried to rescue myself and only caused more problems or made the situation worse. But I feel, in my heart and my spirit, God reassuring me to just hold on - rescue is coming. And I will get to the place where I am in the infirmary, safe in His arms, resting secure in the knowledge that the enemy is dead and I am saved. I will get to the place, where for a while at least, I can relax.
Perhaps, as in the movie, my freedom will come suddenly. Certainly there are many 'suddenlies' in the Bible. Perhaps freedom from the huge issues that threaten me will be a gradual thing. But I can honestly say, that although things seem very grim at times, even though my health is still a major issue, and money is a constant source of concern, family issues still rage on and the promises seem far off, I just know, that I know, that I know, that God is on the attack and victory is near. That's not to say I don't have moments of doubt and weeping wobblies, but when I am quiet in my spirit, that reassurance that I so desperately need, is there. After each bout of 'wobbliness', if I listen, encouragement always comes.
I am still boggled after watching the movie that America was willing to send so very many people and resources to save just one man. But really, we shouldn't wonder at that. Because are we not made in God's image, and did He not send the most precious and wonderful thing He had - His Son, to save even just one of us? Didn't Father send Jesus for you? For me? And because of Christ's sacrifice assuring us of victory if only we hang on and keep faith, should we really boggle at the fact that God would send armies of His angels, and indeed come Himself, to rescue us (even if we did help get ourselves into the problems in the first place)?
We may question 'why?', when we are walking in obedience, that such bad things should happen to us. We may question where was God's protection? But I feel so very reassured, in faith, even though my circumstances remain and continue to intimidate me, that I do not need to question if victory is coming. I may be in a lifeboat surrounded by pirates, but I am tethered to the mother ship, and freedom is close at hand.
For all those who like me continue to suffer poor circumstances, I pray that you would be encouraged to know that just as Captain Phillips was indeed saved despite overwhelming odds to the contrary, so we shall be saved too. After all, Jesus is the good shepherd who leaves the ninety-nine safe sheep to find the missing one (Matthew 18: 12 - 14). For those 'missing' ones, for those held captive, I pray that God Himself would comfort you wherever you are right now, whilst you endure until your release.
Be blessed : )
Saturday, 26 July 2014
Where have I been?
I can hardly believe that it has been over a month since my last post; where has the time gone?
As mentioned in my last entry, straight after posting it my older brother and his son arrived from Australia. It was with much trepidation on all our parts as my brother and his wife have been incredibly challenging in the past, causing great upset and trauma to us and the extended family. He also has a vastly different lifestyle with no TV, no technology and a very strict diet. And for me personally, there were issues there because of some dreadful things that he was the root of, in the past.
However I am pleased to report it was, overall, it was a very successful visit. He was able to reconnect with my younger brother and his wife; that was a real rift that seems to have been smoothed over somewhat. And I can honestly say that with my brother in front of me I was able to look at him and forgive, and let the past go.
The visit, though, did highlight issues with my Mum. Her mobility is really suffering at the moment and she has had huge moments of forgetfulness, so often and so bad that I am starting to question whether it is the start of dementia. She forgot she had offered to provide a picnic, and an evening meal whilst the visit occurred, so it went from us being catered for, for a change, to me suddenly having to produce a picnic and evening meals for 13 people, several times. This meant extra shopping trips and extra cooking going on, around already long days, days out in the sun, clearing up after having everyone round and so on.
I think I had perhaps been a bit foolish about what I was capable of, but as I said some things like the catering were sprung on me, so as we cannot afford to eat out I had no choice but to provide meals. However, after my week off looking after my son after his operation, I'd gone straight back into working, continuing to look after him, long days and evenings spent with my brother and mega catering. Then I went straight back into work again, before my brother was back after touring England, and it was back into a long, hot day out and more food.
I hadn't felt right before going back to work. I had endeavoured to rely on God, and spoke out the scriptures such as 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me'. But I feel I overdid it.
I can say that with some assurance as my brother's last day here, a migraine started. I was prayed for about them some years ago as I used to get awful, crippling ones, but hadn't had any bad ones in several years, just the niggling ones that can go on for a week or more. I guess more like cluster migraines/ headaches as they would stop and start. This one however, only began like that.
I wasn't able to take my normal medication at the start of it, as we were on a trip out to the New Forest, and to take it properly I need to sit down and rest for a bit. I managed it throughout the day with pain relief, and it niggled, but was manageable; it only limited me a little. Then it was home briefly before out to my younger brother's for tea. I took the migraine medication, but again couldn't really sit with it, I had to go out.
The meds didn't shift it, so after struggling through the meal and our last goodbyes, I was eager to get home. I tried another migraine tablet, but it was too late and I think I exacerbated it. Because then the pain really kicked in.
It was like being beaten around the head with a steel bar and wanting to be sick, whilst being tormented and the room spinning, all at once. I ended up on morphine and an anti-emetic (anti-nausea) drug. I couldn't move for about 5 hours, or speak, I just sat on the sofa, in the dark, hugging a bucket. Eventually I crawled up to bed with my eyes shut, and had a really fitful night, still hugging the bucket.
The migraine still niggles even now, 2 1/2 weeks on, with pain, dizziness and nausea. After three days of not being able to move the Dr came out to see me, to prescribe large doses of anti-inflammatories to get on top of the throbbing and the pain, and to check it wasn't anything more sinister. After 5 days I was able to get out of my pyjamas into real clothes, for part of the day. And after about a week I was able to start showering regularly again. But the worst thing is how it has all made me feel.
After believing you have been healed of something, for it to come back in such a sudden, life-stopping way is very emotionally hard. But it wasn't just the pain, or the sickness, it was the fear and torment that came with it. There was definitely a spiritual element to it, and it took me right back to those first, awful days of being unwell 3 years ago. I have had to fight really, really hard to not be afraid, because in that pain and sickness, I couldn't feel my God, but I could feel the presence of evil.
Looking back I think it is hardly surprising that I became so unwell. I went straight from the trauma of my husband being ill and nearly dying, to my son being deathly ill, to a stressful visit from a difficult relative, to stresses and major concerns about my Mum, to being out in the heat for long days (which has never agreed with me since getting sun-stroke as a child), back to my brother, and all the while working really long hours. My body simply went 'caput!'. But I do question, did the fall need to be so hard and so deeply frightening? Do I still need to be suffering? And my husband, who is still having muscular problems, does he still need to be suffering? How, Lord, how, do we slow life down and yet still make ends meet and keep customers happy? Surely there has to be a better way?
The problems all really started as soon as I stepped out to train for preaching, so I am certain there is a great element of spiritual attack involved. I also managed miraculously well in body and mind whilst my husband and son were ill, so perhaps the devil needed to attack me more personally to have a greater effect. And to be honest, to have kept going before, during and since the migraine (as I returned to work this week, working long days in 30 degrees heat and humidity - very difficult for a shade lover such as myself - and there's been something on every evening this week) is miraculous. And the problems have only served to drive me back to God, to ask honest questions and to wait on Him for the answers; to deepen our existing connection, so that when troubling times come again in the future (as they surely will) I will have something deeper and stronger to rely on.
My husband and I have been trying to consistently sit in prayer, with the scriptures, or in quiet as often as possible, with the sole purpose of hearing from Him. We need His heavenly perspective on all these issues and concerns that have happened. We need fresh manna, fresh vision, fresh anointing, for I recognise the enemy's attacks have wearied us some. And slowly He seems to be reaching us, to be whispering.
But that is the reason for my absence: overseas visitors, a busy end of term, and challenging health. As we continue to reach out to Him and seek His comfort and His presence, I will continue to share. I am sure although worn and weary, He will restore and repair, and things will indeed turn around in every way.
Thank you for continuing to read and being patient for the post - the next one will be much quicker! I pray that you and yours will know His presence and, as always, be blessed : )
As mentioned in my last entry, straight after posting it my older brother and his son arrived from Australia. It was with much trepidation on all our parts as my brother and his wife have been incredibly challenging in the past, causing great upset and trauma to us and the extended family. He also has a vastly different lifestyle with no TV, no technology and a very strict diet. And for me personally, there were issues there because of some dreadful things that he was the root of, in the past.
However I am pleased to report it was, overall, it was a very successful visit. He was able to reconnect with my younger brother and his wife; that was a real rift that seems to have been smoothed over somewhat. And I can honestly say that with my brother in front of me I was able to look at him and forgive, and let the past go.
The visit, though, did highlight issues with my Mum. Her mobility is really suffering at the moment and she has had huge moments of forgetfulness, so often and so bad that I am starting to question whether it is the start of dementia. She forgot she had offered to provide a picnic, and an evening meal whilst the visit occurred, so it went from us being catered for, for a change, to me suddenly having to produce a picnic and evening meals for 13 people, several times. This meant extra shopping trips and extra cooking going on, around already long days, days out in the sun, clearing up after having everyone round and so on.
I think I had perhaps been a bit foolish about what I was capable of, but as I said some things like the catering were sprung on me, so as we cannot afford to eat out I had no choice but to provide meals. However, after my week off looking after my son after his operation, I'd gone straight back into working, continuing to look after him, long days and evenings spent with my brother and mega catering. Then I went straight back into work again, before my brother was back after touring England, and it was back into a long, hot day out and more food.
I hadn't felt right before going back to work. I had endeavoured to rely on God, and spoke out the scriptures such as 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me'. But I feel I overdid it.
I can say that with some assurance as my brother's last day here, a migraine started. I was prayed for about them some years ago as I used to get awful, crippling ones, but hadn't had any bad ones in several years, just the niggling ones that can go on for a week or more. I guess more like cluster migraines/ headaches as they would stop and start. This one however, only began like that.
I wasn't able to take my normal medication at the start of it, as we were on a trip out to the New Forest, and to take it properly I need to sit down and rest for a bit. I managed it throughout the day with pain relief, and it niggled, but was manageable; it only limited me a little. Then it was home briefly before out to my younger brother's for tea. I took the migraine medication, but again couldn't really sit with it, I had to go out.
The meds didn't shift it, so after struggling through the meal and our last goodbyes, I was eager to get home. I tried another migraine tablet, but it was too late and I think I exacerbated it. Because then the pain really kicked in.
It was like being beaten around the head with a steel bar and wanting to be sick, whilst being tormented and the room spinning, all at once. I ended up on morphine and an anti-emetic (anti-nausea) drug. I couldn't move for about 5 hours, or speak, I just sat on the sofa, in the dark, hugging a bucket. Eventually I crawled up to bed with my eyes shut, and had a really fitful night, still hugging the bucket.
The migraine still niggles even now, 2 1/2 weeks on, with pain, dizziness and nausea. After three days of not being able to move the Dr came out to see me, to prescribe large doses of anti-inflammatories to get on top of the throbbing and the pain, and to check it wasn't anything more sinister. After 5 days I was able to get out of my pyjamas into real clothes, for part of the day. And after about a week I was able to start showering regularly again. But the worst thing is how it has all made me feel.
After believing you have been healed of something, for it to come back in such a sudden, life-stopping way is very emotionally hard. But it wasn't just the pain, or the sickness, it was the fear and torment that came with it. There was definitely a spiritual element to it, and it took me right back to those first, awful days of being unwell 3 years ago. I have had to fight really, really hard to not be afraid, because in that pain and sickness, I couldn't feel my God, but I could feel the presence of evil.
Looking back I think it is hardly surprising that I became so unwell. I went straight from the trauma of my husband being ill and nearly dying, to my son being deathly ill, to a stressful visit from a difficult relative, to stresses and major concerns about my Mum, to being out in the heat for long days (which has never agreed with me since getting sun-stroke as a child), back to my brother, and all the while working really long hours. My body simply went 'caput!'. But I do question, did the fall need to be so hard and so deeply frightening? Do I still need to be suffering? And my husband, who is still having muscular problems, does he still need to be suffering? How, Lord, how, do we slow life down and yet still make ends meet and keep customers happy? Surely there has to be a better way?
The problems all really started as soon as I stepped out to train for preaching, so I am certain there is a great element of spiritual attack involved. I also managed miraculously well in body and mind whilst my husband and son were ill, so perhaps the devil needed to attack me more personally to have a greater effect. And to be honest, to have kept going before, during and since the migraine (as I returned to work this week, working long days in 30 degrees heat and humidity - very difficult for a shade lover such as myself - and there's been something on every evening this week) is miraculous. And the problems have only served to drive me back to God, to ask honest questions and to wait on Him for the answers; to deepen our existing connection, so that when troubling times come again in the future (as they surely will) I will have something deeper and stronger to rely on.
My husband and I have been trying to consistently sit in prayer, with the scriptures, or in quiet as often as possible, with the sole purpose of hearing from Him. We need His heavenly perspective on all these issues and concerns that have happened. We need fresh manna, fresh vision, fresh anointing, for I recognise the enemy's attacks have wearied us some. And slowly He seems to be reaching us, to be whispering.
But that is the reason for my absence: overseas visitors, a busy end of term, and challenging health. As we continue to reach out to Him and seek His comfort and His presence, I will continue to share. I am sure although worn and weary, He will restore and repair, and things will indeed turn around in every way.
Thank you for continuing to read and being patient for the post - the next one will be much quicker! I pray that you and yours will know His presence and, as always, be blessed : )
Sunday, 22 June 2014
Dancing in the Dark
Well, after previous posts about how ill my husband and son have been lately I am pleased to be able to say that both are recovering incredibly well.
I was at home all last week to look after my son after his operation, so it was my husband's first week back at work full-time, and by himself too. But praise God apart from some aches and pains which have responded to prayer, he has been well. My son also continues to recover really well - wounds are healing nicely and aches and pains have subsided. The task now is to get his energy levels back up, as after two weeks of not doing too much he is flagging when he tries anything 'normal', like walking the dog around the block. But he will get there.
Me, I was so pleased to have a week 'off' - a week at home anyway. I was thoroughly exhausted after all the hospital visits, and left feeling lethargic and with profound nausea. Each day the nausea has subsided a little more (with a slight hiccup yesterday after eating some Camembert cheese, which my body didn't seem to happy with, although it was yummy at the time), but so far I have lost about a stone (14 pounds) in weight! Not a recommended weight loss diet, and trust me, I am so over nausea now, but I trust it will get better.
However, when the infirmities have improved, the devil decided to start having a go in another way. Things kicked off with my eldest daughter and her crazy boyfriend again. We had thought things were going reasonably well with her and she seemed almost pleasant at times, but then last weekend she announced that actually she still only liked her older brother, she tolerated (at times) her younger brother and sister, and although she loved my husband and I (because she 'had to'), she most certainly did not like us.
She also declared that on her 16th birthday, which is just before Christmas, she is planning to leave home to go and live with him. That would of course give us just about the worst Christmas we have ever had.
Now I suffer with the initial shock when these things are said, but then God seems to fill me with some astounding ability to calm down, look at it objectively and become aware of a deep inner peace and a knowledge that God is in this, that in the long term, no matter how long it takes, everything will be OK. That is God at work in me. It is not because I am somehow special, but because He is loving and because of all the work He's done in me over many, many years (I was such a complete mess years ago - He had to change me, and works on me still : ) ).
But my poor husband suffers so much when she is so hateful. Last Sunday was Father's Day here, but instead of it being a celebration, he was heartbroken. He feels he has lost her and he's been an awful Dad, which is simply not true. But the devil is assailing his mind with lies.
I had to step in when I overheard my husband having a conversation with my daughter in the kitchen. He still believes that if only he could say the right thing he might change her mind, so he was trying really hard to say 'the right thing'. He was sobbing, bless him. There is hardly a more pitiful sound than a lovely, grown man sobbing. I don't mean crying, or shedding a tear, I mean full on, heartbreaking sobbing. It was awful. So I went in and threatened to remove him if he didn't stop upsetting himself.
It was going to be a Father's Day we would always remember for all the wrong reasons. But then over lunch we turned on God TV and Wendy Alec was giving a word about dancing before Father God, even when all seems lost. She spoke about how if we can do that, even if we are heartbroken, that it sends a signal to the enemy to remind him he is defeated.
Then God reassured us through her that those lost dreams, hopes and visions that seem forgotten, those things that cause us such pain, those difficulties that have so wearied us, will all be OK. God is on the case! He has not forgotten us! The dreams will be realised!
It touched my heart because of the belief that God has spoken certain things to me over the years, and even now, some of them 20 years old or older, they all seem impossible and dormant. Yet my spirit leaps and knows that they are around the corner, that they will come to pass.
And my dear husband, who has suffered so much over the years and suffers now terribly with my daughter, was so touched by the Holy Spirit as he heard those words of hope, that tears, Holy Spirit, gentle tears, rolled down his cheeks. It was the rubbish coming out and an overflow of God touching his heart.
I pray that next year on Father's Day we shall look back and remember this year's - not because of the heartbreak, but because it was a turning point.
I choose to believe God's promises over our circumstances and over the weariness of the struggle and the lies of the enemy. That's why I'm choosing to be found 'dancing in the dark'.
As a great Fall Out Boy song says:
"The war is won, before it's begun. Release the doves, surrender now." God has already won, even though it may not seem that way at the moment.
As if to confirm His promise to us of His love, an abundance and of us being brought out into a broad place after such a place of squeezing, this arrived on our doorstep today:
We were overwhelmed by this kindness. And a few weeks ago as folk knew our income was down throughout my husband's illness as we're self-employed, £100 was dropped through our door! It is practical love like this, as well as the prayer and emotional support we get from our church family, that shows that God is alive and well today. People are so often the hands and feet of Jesus and these works stand alongside the unexplainable acts we class as miracles - they are just as miraculous!
This week my older brother who lives in Australia is visiting with one of his children. I haven't seen him in nearly 10 years, and never met my nephew. My brother can be very challenging indeed, and certain things about him that are difficult to get your head around have been revealed since his last visit, so I am rather nervous. But yet hopeful, and assured that God is with me and as always will hold my hand, even if it's tricky.
I pray that this week you will know God's presence too and will be blessed : )
I'll finish with some more photos of my bonkers garden:
I was at home all last week to look after my son after his operation, so it was my husband's first week back at work full-time, and by himself too. But praise God apart from some aches and pains which have responded to prayer, he has been well. My son also continues to recover really well - wounds are healing nicely and aches and pains have subsided. The task now is to get his energy levels back up, as after two weeks of not doing too much he is flagging when he tries anything 'normal', like walking the dog around the block. But he will get there.
Me, I was so pleased to have a week 'off' - a week at home anyway. I was thoroughly exhausted after all the hospital visits, and left feeling lethargic and with profound nausea. Each day the nausea has subsided a little more (with a slight hiccup yesterday after eating some Camembert cheese, which my body didn't seem to happy with, although it was yummy at the time), but so far I have lost about a stone (14 pounds) in weight! Not a recommended weight loss diet, and trust me, I am so over nausea now, but I trust it will get better.
However, when the infirmities have improved, the devil decided to start having a go in another way. Things kicked off with my eldest daughter and her crazy boyfriend again. We had thought things were going reasonably well with her and she seemed almost pleasant at times, but then last weekend she announced that actually she still only liked her older brother, she tolerated (at times) her younger brother and sister, and although she loved my husband and I (because she 'had to'), she most certainly did not like us.
She also declared that on her 16th birthday, which is just before Christmas, she is planning to leave home to go and live with him. That would of course give us just about the worst Christmas we have ever had.
Now I suffer with the initial shock when these things are said, but then God seems to fill me with some astounding ability to calm down, look at it objectively and become aware of a deep inner peace and a knowledge that God is in this, that in the long term, no matter how long it takes, everything will be OK. That is God at work in me. It is not because I am somehow special, but because He is loving and because of all the work He's done in me over many, many years (I was such a complete mess years ago - He had to change me, and works on me still : ) ).
But my poor husband suffers so much when she is so hateful. Last Sunday was Father's Day here, but instead of it being a celebration, he was heartbroken. He feels he has lost her and he's been an awful Dad, which is simply not true. But the devil is assailing his mind with lies.
I had to step in when I overheard my husband having a conversation with my daughter in the kitchen. He still believes that if only he could say the right thing he might change her mind, so he was trying really hard to say 'the right thing'. He was sobbing, bless him. There is hardly a more pitiful sound than a lovely, grown man sobbing. I don't mean crying, or shedding a tear, I mean full on, heartbreaking sobbing. It was awful. So I went in and threatened to remove him if he didn't stop upsetting himself.
It was going to be a Father's Day we would always remember for all the wrong reasons. But then over lunch we turned on God TV and Wendy Alec was giving a word about dancing before Father God, even when all seems lost. She spoke about how if we can do that, even if we are heartbroken, that it sends a signal to the enemy to remind him he is defeated.
Then God reassured us through her that those lost dreams, hopes and visions that seem forgotten, those things that cause us such pain, those difficulties that have so wearied us, will all be OK. God is on the case! He has not forgotten us! The dreams will be realised!
It touched my heart because of the belief that God has spoken certain things to me over the years, and even now, some of them 20 years old or older, they all seem impossible and dormant. Yet my spirit leaps and knows that they are around the corner, that they will come to pass.
And my dear husband, who has suffered so much over the years and suffers now terribly with my daughter, was so touched by the Holy Spirit as he heard those words of hope, that tears, Holy Spirit, gentle tears, rolled down his cheeks. It was the rubbish coming out and an overflow of God touching his heart.
I pray that next year on Father's Day we shall look back and remember this year's - not because of the heartbreak, but because it was a turning point.
I choose to believe God's promises over our circumstances and over the weariness of the struggle and the lies of the enemy. That's why I'm choosing to be found 'dancing in the dark'.
As a great Fall Out Boy song says:
"The war is won, before it's begun. Release the doves, surrender now." God has already won, even though it may not seem that way at the moment.
As if to confirm His promise to us of His love, an abundance and of us being brought out into a broad place after such a place of squeezing, this arrived on our doorstep today:
 |
| An amazing gift of food and household items from a church, to bless us as they knew we had had a tough time! |
This week my older brother who lives in Australia is visiting with one of his children. I haven't seen him in nearly 10 years, and never met my nephew. My brother can be very challenging indeed, and certain things about him that are difficult to get your head around have been revealed since his last visit, so I am rather nervous. But yet hopeful, and assured that God is with me and as always will hold my hand, even if it's tricky.
I pray that this week you will know God's presence too and will be blessed : )
I'll finish with some more photos of my bonkers garden:
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| Another 'triple' flower - a trinity of Narcissus! |
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| A bit muched by slugs this one, but still brings me great hope of an abundance to come. |
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| A supposed 'double' tulip, but so much more than that, and in June too! |
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| A spider lily. There are four on one stem - what a bonkers flower! |
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| The delicate beauty of an alium. |
Saturday, 14 June 2014
My Month From Hell Part 2
I wrote my last post on Monday, and a lot has happened since then.
My son, who was in hospital with undiagnosed abdominal pain, started to get a little worse overnight Monday. His blood results showed worsening infection and by the morning his temperature had started to rise.
My husband had stayed overnight with him and by the time I got in Tuesday morning to relieve him, my son was rapidly worsening. I could see him go downhill before my eyes and his skin was like fire to the touch, so high was his temperature, yet his hands were freezing. He kept shivering and saying he was cold, and his skin was pale as anything. He hadn't eaten or drunk for 2 days and was on IV fluids.
The surgeon was rather rubbish and had no inter-personal skills at all. But praise God we had an advocate in a wonderful anaesthetist, who pushed for exploratory surgery earlier rather than later and that Tuesday morning they took him down for surgery.
They found a partially ruptured appendix, which was very nastily infected. They had had trouble diagnosing as his appendix wasn't on the right as most people's are, but to the left of middle and tucked away in his pelvis. So there was a lot of rummaging about with his organs and intestines to find it, and cutting through of his stomach muscles.
He was so scared going down to theatre, that he gripped my hand like he was holding on to save his life. It was a privilege to have been his rock in those scary moments before surgery.
Praise God he has slowly improved since. He has been on very large doses of antibiotics to fight infection and regular pain relief is helping. He is shuffling about somewhat, and we've had a few hiccups when the abdominal drain was removed and one of his wounds started to leak green stuff (we were told it was leftover from what was inside - if that was the colour of his appendix and the surrounding tissue (I was told told his appendix and the surrounding tissue was infected) no wonder he felt so ill), and he had a rough day Thursday. But yesterday and today he has got a little better every day.
So he's off school for 3 weeks and nothing strenuous for a month, so he misses a school camp. But frankly, after what he's been through, he's just glad to be on the mend. And bless him, he's been polite and really soldiered on throughout.
I am hoping that is the end of my month from hell. I feel a bit like a zombie, to be honest. I've gone from ill, to watching my husband nearly die, to looking after him (showering him, dressing him, doing everything) and the children and working full-time doing gardening and heavy manual work, plus paperwork and making calls in the evening, to going through the same with my son and being in hospital all week.
Monday evening my husband and I even had a conversation about if our son died, how we would go about praying for resurrection - it has been that bad.
Honestly, I have known God with me throughout. Yet again this week in hospital, Jesus was spending a lot of time holding my hand and watching over my son. God has given me strength.
But Wednesday afternoon, Thursday and Friday my strength evaporated and I was a bit like a walking zombie. And emotionally, how do you begin to 'file' and cope with nearly losing 2 family members in just a few weeks, and having a third (my daughter) threatening to leave and break up our family and dealing with the Police? Add into the mix being self-employed and losing money left, right and centre, and my mum and my husband's parents who have not offered one bit of help pretty much throughout, and a mother-in-law who is beyond difficult (and a husband who won't stand up to her and save me from the constant jibes)).
Right now the exhaustion levels are lessening, but I need time to come to grips with it all emotionally. My husband and I had another pointless, bickering argument this morning. Probably just tiredness and stress. But it is also emotionally draining.
But I do know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that if it were not for the power of prayer, for God being with us and fighting for us, for the wonderful love of God shown through His people the church who have given us meals and helped with childcare and prayed, we would not be here. I have to trust Him, as an act of will, to sort out all the rest too. And He will, I just have to be patient.
When things are a little more settled I can embark on the tentative start of my preaching career - going round with a mentor and starting the studying that I need to complete to become a 'qualified' preacher in the denomination of our church (it's a Methodist church, but we're Christians, it just happens to be the church God led us to). I'm very nervous, but again know I can trust God.
If it weren't for Him, who knows where I'd be. And I think the outcome of the past few weeks/ month would be rather different. Praise God that He is our redeemer, who redeems us from our troubles.
Hope your weeks have been good, and if you've prayed after my last post, a mighty, mighty thank you!
Be blessed : )
My son, who was in hospital with undiagnosed abdominal pain, started to get a little worse overnight Monday. His blood results showed worsening infection and by the morning his temperature had started to rise.
My husband had stayed overnight with him and by the time I got in Tuesday morning to relieve him, my son was rapidly worsening. I could see him go downhill before my eyes and his skin was like fire to the touch, so high was his temperature, yet his hands were freezing. He kept shivering and saying he was cold, and his skin was pale as anything. He hadn't eaten or drunk for 2 days and was on IV fluids.
The surgeon was rather rubbish and had no inter-personal skills at all. But praise God we had an advocate in a wonderful anaesthetist, who pushed for exploratory surgery earlier rather than later and that Tuesday morning they took him down for surgery.
They found a partially ruptured appendix, which was very nastily infected. They had had trouble diagnosing as his appendix wasn't on the right as most people's are, but to the left of middle and tucked away in his pelvis. So there was a lot of rummaging about with his organs and intestines to find it, and cutting through of his stomach muscles.
He was so scared going down to theatre, that he gripped my hand like he was holding on to save his life. It was a privilege to have been his rock in those scary moments before surgery.
Praise God he has slowly improved since. He has been on very large doses of antibiotics to fight infection and regular pain relief is helping. He is shuffling about somewhat, and we've had a few hiccups when the abdominal drain was removed and one of his wounds started to leak green stuff (we were told it was leftover from what was inside - if that was the colour of his appendix and the surrounding tissue (I was told told his appendix and the surrounding tissue was infected) no wonder he felt so ill), and he had a rough day Thursday. But yesterday and today he has got a little better every day.
So he's off school for 3 weeks and nothing strenuous for a month, so he misses a school camp. But frankly, after what he's been through, he's just glad to be on the mend. And bless him, he's been polite and really soldiered on throughout.
I am hoping that is the end of my month from hell. I feel a bit like a zombie, to be honest. I've gone from ill, to watching my husband nearly die, to looking after him (showering him, dressing him, doing everything) and the children and working full-time doing gardening and heavy manual work, plus paperwork and making calls in the evening, to going through the same with my son and being in hospital all week.
Monday evening my husband and I even had a conversation about if our son died, how we would go about praying for resurrection - it has been that bad.
Honestly, I have known God with me throughout. Yet again this week in hospital, Jesus was spending a lot of time holding my hand and watching over my son. God has given me strength.
But Wednesday afternoon, Thursday and Friday my strength evaporated and I was a bit like a walking zombie. And emotionally, how do you begin to 'file' and cope with nearly losing 2 family members in just a few weeks, and having a third (my daughter) threatening to leave and break up our family and dealing with the Police? Add into the mix being self-employed and losing money left, right and centre, and my mum and my husband's parents who have not offered one bit of help pretty much throughout, and a mother-in-law who is beyond difficult (and a husband who won't stand up to her and save me from the constant jibes)).
Right now the exhaustion levels are lessening, but I need time to come to grips with it all emotionally. My husband and I had another pointless, bickering argument this morning. Probably just tiredness and stress. But it is also emotionally draining.
But I do know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that if it were not for the power of prayer, for God being with us and fighting for us, for the wonderful love of God shown through His people the church who have given us meals and helped with childcare and prayed, we would not be here. I have to trust Him, as an act of will, to sort out all the rest too. And He will, I just have to be patient.
When things are a little more settled I can embark on the tentative start of my preaching career - going round with a mentor and starting the studying that I need to complete to become a 'qualified' preacher in the denomination of our church (it's a Methodist church, but we're Christians, it just happens to be the church God led us to). I'm very nervous, but again know I can trust God.
If it weren't for Him, who knows where I'd be. And I think the outcome of the past few weeks/ month would be rather different. Praise God that He is our redeemer, who redeems us from our troubles.
Hope your weeks have been good, and if you've prayed after my last post, a mighty, mighty thank you!
Be blessed : )
Monday, 9 June 2014
My Month From Hell Part 1
Just a quick post today. I was hoping to write more, but we have been playing catch up big time since my husband's illness, both financially, with work and with household chores. Let alone trying to actually spend some time with the children?!
My eldest daughter continues to be a challenge, having been caught speaking to her 'boyfriend' on a friend's phone twice last week. She then told us that she likes her eldest brother, tolerates her youngest siblings and hates us and still wants to leave. But God encouraged me by reminding me that before she was born, when she was well overdue, He gave me a dream the night before they'd threatened to induce me.
In the dream I was in church, with people all around me, and my back against a wall. I said to the people something along the lines of: "No matter how difficult a situation, even when you're backed into a corner, God can turn the situation around 180 degrees."
I was doing a Maths Degree at the time so the 180 degrees bit spoke clearly to me. In hospital later that day my daughter was thankfully diagnosed breech due to one midwife questioning her position. So pleased she did, or I would've been induced breech and they wouldn't have known until a bum came out instead of a head, and I was screaming. To birth breech has a very high risk of death to the baby, and can't imagine it's much good for the mum either.
But thanks to God stepping in, my daughter was turned the 180 degrees spoken of in the dream. It took 5 goes, and she was the largest, latest baby they'd ever done (9lb 2oz and 14 days overdue). But thanks to a successful turning (I knew it would work, God gave me such peace), she was born naturally. God brought her forth via a miracle.
Being reminded of that was awesome as I can now know God can turn this dreadful situation around too.
But I have a more pressing issue to deal with. My eldest son woke us at 4am with abdominal pain and feeling unwell. We've been up since then. He got progressively worse and was ambulance into hospital with suspected appendicitis. They're holding off doing an op as his symptoms are not completely in line with appendicitis, but he definitely has acute abdominal pain, an infection and a fever and is very poorly. Poor chap has been nil by mouth all day. My husband is staying overnight with him whilst I hold the fort at home, and we'll swap again in the morning. But we're all shattered and rather concerned, but doing our best to trust.
But essentially they don't know what it is and we really need God to step in and heal him. Effectively to save him.
If you're someone who prays, we'd truly value your support. This has been a ridiculous fortnight - two family members rushed to hospital in ambulances in acute pain, trying to keep a business going and income coming in (with one chap who is dreadful at paying and owes us loads, yet he's very wealthy), and dealing with the Police and a very difficult teenage daughter/situation. It's only because of God that I'm not a quivering wreck!
Anyway, be blessed and will keep you updated : )
My eldest daughter continues to be a challenge, having been caught speaking to her 'boyfriend' on a friend's phone twice last week. She then told us that she likes her eldest brother, tolerates her youngest siblings and hates us and still wants to leave. But God encouraged me by reminding me that before she was born, when she was well overdue, He gave me a dream the night before they'd threatened to induce me.
In the dream I was in church, with people all around me, and my back against a wall. I said to the people something along the lines of: "No matter how difficult a situation, even when you're backed into a corner, God can turn the situation around 180 degrees."
I was doing a Maths Degree at the time so the 180 degrees bit spoke clearly to me. In hospital later that day my daughter was thankfully diagnosed breech due to one midwife questioning her position. So pleased she did, or I would've been induced breech and they wouldn't have known until a bum came out instead of a head, and I was screaming. To birth breech has a very high risk of death to the baby, and can't imagine it's much good for the mum either.
But thanks to God stepping in, my daughter was turned the 180 degrees spoken of in the dream. It took 5 goes, and she was the largest, latest baby they'd ever done (9lb 2oz and 14 days overdue). But thanks to a successful turning (I knew it would work, God gave me such peace), she was born naturally. God brought her forth via a miracle.
Being reminded of that was awesome as I can now know God can turn this dreadful situation around too.
But I have a more pressing issue to deal with. My eldest son woke us at 4am with abdominal pain and feeling unwell. We've been up since then. He got progressively worse and was ambulance into hospital with suspected appendicitis. They're holding off doing an op as his symptoms are not completely in line with appendicitis, but he definitely has acute abdominal pain, an infection and a fever and is very poorly. Poor chap has been nil by mouth all day. My husband is staying overnight with him whilst I hold the fort at home, and we'll swap again in the morning. But we're all shattered and rather concerned, but doing our best to trust.
But essentially they don't know what it is and we really need God to step in and heal him. Effectively to save him.
If you're someone who prays, we'd truly value your support. This has been a ridiculous fortnight - two family members rushed to hospital in ambulances in acute pain, trying to keep a business going and income coming in (with one chap who is dreadful at paying and owes us loads, yet he's very wealthy), and dealing with the Police and a very difficult teenage daughter/situation. It's only because of God that I'm not a quivering wreck!
Anyway, be blessed and will keep you updated : )
Monday, 2 June 2014
My Week From Hell Part 2
To set the scene for the lead up to my husband's near-death experience as spoken of in Part 1:
Earlier this year we had stepped out in faith and booked a holiday. At the time the amount would be sort of do-able if we put money aside each week, which is hard when many customers don't pay you on time. However since then, so many things have gone wrong or broken, usually on our very old cars, and our holiday budget went out the window. So we have been working long, hard hours.
The two weeks leading up to it all, I had had the flu or sinusitis and felt really rough. In addition my Vitamin D had become very low again, adding to the constant nausea (which makes it hard to eat anything), overwhelming lethargy and generally feeling grotty. I tried to work through it, but the Thursday and Friday of my husband's injury on the Friday, I had spent much of the time in bed feeling pretty grotty.
The previous weekend and weeks prior there had been a general feeling of tenseness and strife in our house, with a lot of bickering and arguing going on. So much so in fact that I texted a few of our friends that we pray with to ask for prayer as I felt we were under a specific attack or assignment from the devil. It sounds quite extreme, but as a Christian I believe the spiritual realm is as real as the world we live in, and angels and demons are organised like armies (as described in the Bible). As such they can have specific assignments for attack or defence, just like a regular army.
Within an hour of sending that text one of the people we share school lifts with, that we normally get on very well with, rang up and had a real go at me about nothing in particular and had me in tears. My husband had to go round to speak with him and get to the bottom of it, and generally he was just being odd. Coincidence?
The weekend and start of the week leading up to my husband's injury we'd had a lot of stress with my eldest daughter and the ongoing saga (as moaned/ spoken about in many a previous blog post!) with her very unsuitable boyfriend. He has called and left dreadful messages, messaged us nastily via Facebook, sent horrid texts and spoken to us on the phone being quite awful. On top of him being dreadful and having me in tears one dinner time that week, our daughter told us she can't wait to leave home at 16 and be with him, but she was happy for us to spend money on her in the meantime and support her when she'd gone.
When you have poured your heart and soul and such love into a person you've helped create, your own daughter, to have such vileness returned, is heart breaking. It's like she's under a spell, as honestly he's so unkind and thoughtless towards her we can't see what she sees in him. It is almost like and addiction. I felt literally in pieces that week leading up to it all. : (
Then of course the main event happened, with me already heart broken and ill that week. That combined with the shock and lack of sleep was awful, and I had to completely rely on the Lord. But the Bible so often talks about God being our strength, I can truly say that was the case, and in hospital I was able to be strong for my husband and know some peace, and a quiet inner strength that was not mine. I've also been able to maintain a positive attitude throughout. The Bible talks about how important our thoughts are, so I've worked hard this week to keep all mine positive and chuck all the rubbish ones out. I've also worked hard to remain joyful and putting my husband and kids first. Sounds straightforward, but after a while of being so out of my comfort zone my normal instinct is to start feeling a little resentment and grumpy. But with god's help I've been able to keep all that at bay and stay strong and joyful - a great improvement from the negative, depressed person I was some years ago!
After we came home from the hospital and I'd had two hours sleep in two days, and was still pretty shell-shocked, my daughter's boyfriend called. He had already called and harassed my mum that morning. She had told him my daughter was not home (she wasn't, she was at grandparents as we'd been in hospital) and neither were we. He was pretty rude to her. When I picked up that evening he said, 'Oh, so you are home!', then proceeded to go on a rant. Honestly, even I am surprised at how patient I was with him during that call, and I tried everything to calm him. But no matter what I say, all he hears is 'you hate me, you hate me', which is not true.
So he carried on. I said 'Look, my husband nearly died last night, I haven't slept much, she's not here, so please just leave us alone to get some rest.' More ranting. So I confess I lost it. He pushed me beyond my limits. And I told him to go away, not very politely, and hung up. Not my best moment, but considering quite understandable I think.
Within an hour I had the Police on the phone. He had called to complain about me - that I had been rude to him and that I won't let him see my daughter. He has called them before apparently to complain about me. Honestly, I was soooo beyond exhausted and emotionally drained by then I just cried hysterically on the phone to the Policeman. He listened to the whole saga, and thankfully was most understanding and came down my side of the fence. Boyfriend has been given a formal warning, been told not to contact us or our daughter again, and been told to get over it. If he or his parents contact or harass us anymore, we just need to tell the Police and they will arrest boyfriend. Phew! Let's hope this is it. Daughter is not happy, but hopefully no contact will help draw the poison out and allow her to move on in her life. Its been like a recurring nightmare, getting progressively worse for nearly a year now. Pray God this is the end of it.
Since Thursday my husband has been making a little progress every day, which is so much faster than expected. The diagnosis went from broken/ fractured hip/ pelvis, to slipped or herniated disc, to spine being out of alignment, causing muscle spasm and trapped nerve. In any of those cases we were told weeks and weeks to see improvement. Improvements started after 6 days. But even in those 6 days of no improvement and me suddenly having to cope with the shock of it, getting over flu, bonkers boyfriend and suddenly having to do a very physical job full time, I felt a deep inner peace underneath it all and a sense that I wasn't to worry it would all be OK. That's God really, at the heart of it. Sometimes we don't get the instant miracle we crave, but He does get us through. And we've been so looked after by our church and friends, it's been awesome. And in it I've know a joy, peace and strength that is not of me. Thank you, God. Hopefully by the end of the week husband will be able to drive and then the latter end of next week start a very slow and staggered return to work, whilst being very careful! But overall, all heading in the right direction, which after a week of non-movement and horrific pain is awesome.
There are hard things too. My husband's brother and sister-in-law, who decided long ago to hate us for no apparent reason, when told of husband's near death, were completely indifferent. How many of us could have no care when a sibling nearly dies, no matter how little we get along with them? Honestly we've tried everything there too. I just feel sad for them now. How deceived and under the devil's cosh must they be to be so full of hate?
But overall I can already see the good in this. Like a flower blossoming early or unexpectedly, I can see God's hand in it. He didn't prevent it, but so much good will come of it I'm sure, that in time we may be grateful He didn't. But He is getting us through, even if at times I am so exhausted at the moment that I can't hold a conversation!
To finish here's another sign of God's promise to us. My bonkers daffodils are still flowering, and this one managed to produce three daffodils on one stalk!!
Anyway, must be off to shower after a long day, then more chocolate and a large cup of hot, strong tea - a lifesaver to us Brits - tea fixes anything I'm told ; )
Be blessed : )
Earlier this year we had stepped out in faith and booked a holiday. At the time the amount would be sort of do-able if we put money aside each week, which is hard when many customers don't pay you on time. However since then, so many things have gone wrong or broken, usually on our very old cars, and our holiday budget went out the window. So we have been working long, hard hours.
The two weeks leading up to it all, I had had the flu or sinusitis and felt really rough. In addition my Vitamin D had become very low again, adding to the constant nausea (which makes it hard to eat anything), overwhelming lethargy and generally feeling grotty. I tried to work through it, but the Thursday and Friday of my husband's injury on the Friday, I had spent much of the time in bed feeling pretty grotty.
The previous weekend and weeks prior there had been a general feeling of tenseness and strife in our house, with a lot of bickering and arguing going on. So much so in fact that I texted a few of our friends that we pray with to ask for prayer as I felt we were under a specific attack or assignment from the devil. It sounds quite extreme, but as a Christian I believe the spiritual realm is as real as the world we live in, and angels and demons are organised like armies (as described in the Bible). As such they can have specific assignments for attack or defence, just like a regular army.
Within an hour of sending that text one of the people we share school lifts with, that we normally get on very well with, rang up and had a real go at me about nothing in particular and had me in tears. My husband had to go round to speak with him and get to the bottom of it, and generally he was just being odd. Coincidence?
The weekend and start of the week leading up to my husband's injury we'd had a lot of stress with my eldest daughter and the ongoing saga (as moaned/ spoken about in many a previous blog post!) with her very unsuitable boyfriend. He has called and left dreadful messages, messaged us nastily via Facebook, sent horrid texts and spoken to us on the phone being quite awful. On top of him being dreadful and having me in tears one dinner time that week, our daughter told us she can't wait to leave home at 16 and be with him, but she was happy for us to spend money on her in the meantime and support her when she'd gone.
When you have poured your heart and soul and such love into a person you've helped create, your own daughter, to have such vileness returned, is heart breaking. It's like she's under a spell, as honestly he's so unkind and thoughtless towards her we can't see what she sees in him. It is almost like and addiction. I felt literally in pieces that week leading up to it all. : (
Then of course the main event happened, with me already heart broken and ill that week. That combined with the shock and lack of sleep was awful, and I had to completely rely on the Lord. But the Bible so often talks about God being our strength, I can truly say that was the case, and in hospital I was able to be strong for my husband and know some peace, and a quiet inner strength that was not mine. I've also been able to maintain a positive attitude throughout. The Bible talks about how important our thoughts are, so I've worked hard this week to keep all mine positive and chuck all the rubbish ones out. I've also worked hard to remain joyful and putting my husband and kids first. Sounds straightforward, but after a while of being so out of my comfort zone my normal instinct is to start feeling a little resentment and grumpy. But with god's help I've been able to keep all that at bay and stay strong and joyful - a great improvement from the negative, depressed person I was some years ago!
After we came home from the hospital and I'd had two hours sleep in two days, and was still pretty shell-shocked, my daughter's boyfriend called. He had already called and harassed my mum that morning. She had told him my daughter was not home (she wasn't, she was at grandparents as we'd been in hospital) and neither were we. He was pretty rude to her. When I picked up that evening he said, 'Oh, so you are home!', then proceeded to go on a rant. Honestly, even I am surprised at how patient I was with him during that call, and I tried everything to calm him. But no matter what I say, all he hears is 'you hate me, you hate me', which is not true.
So he carried on. I said 'Look, my husband nearly died last night, I haven't slept much, she's not here, so please just leave us alone to get some rest.' More ranting. So I confess I lost it. He pushed me beyond my limits. And I told him to go away, not very politely, and hung up. Not my best moment, but considering quite understandable I think.
Within an hour I had the Police on the phone. He had called to complain about me - that I had been rude to him and that I won't let him see my daughter. He has called them before apparently to complain about me. Honestly, I was soooo beyond exhausted and emotionally drained by then I just cried hysterically on the phone to the Policeman. He listened to the whole saga, and thankfully was most understanding and came down my side of the fence. Boyfriend has been given a formal warning, been told not to contact us or our daughter again, and been told to get over it. If he or his parents contact or harass us anymore, we just need to tell the Police and they will arrest boyfriend. Phew! Let's hope this is it. Daughter is not happy, but hopefully no contact will help draw the poison out and allow her to move on in her life. Its been like a recurring nightmare, getting progressively worse for nearly a year now. Pray God this is the end of it.
Since Thursday my husband has been making a little progress every day, which is so much faster than expected. The diagnosis went from broken/ fractured hip/ pelvis, to slipped or herniated disc, to spine being out of alignment, causing muscle spasm and trapped nerve. In any of those cases we were told weeks and weeks to see improvement. Improvements started after 6 days. But even in those 6 days of no improvement and me suddenly having to cope with the shock of it, getting over flu, bonkers boyfriend and suddenly having to do a very physical job full time, I felt a deep inner peace underneath it all and a sense that I wasn't to worry it would all be OK. That's God really, at the heart of it. Sometimes we don't get the instant miracle we crave, but He does get us through. And we've been so looked after by our church and friends, it's been awesome. And in it I've know a joy, peace and strength that is not of me. Thank you, God. Hopefully by the end of the week husband will be able to drive and then the latter end of next week start a very slow and staggered return to work, whilst being very careful! But overall, all heading in the right direction, which after a week of non-movement and horrific pain is awesome.
There are hard things too. My husband's brother and sister-in-law, who decided long ago to hate us for no apparent reason, when told of husband's near death, were completely indifferent. How many of us could have no care when a sibling nearly dies, no matter how little we get along with them? Honestly we've tried everything there too. I just feel sad for them now. How deceived and under the devil's cosh must they be to be so full of hate?
But overall I can already see the good in this. Like a flower blossoming early or unexpectedly, I can see God's hand in it. He didn't prevent it, but so much good will come of it I'm sure, that in time we may be grateful He didn't. But He is getting us through, even if at times I am so exhausted at the moment that I can't hold a conversation!
To finish here's another sign of God's promise to us. My bonkers daffodils are still flowering, and this one managed to produce three daffodils on one stalk!!
 |
| A trinity of daffodils! I take it as a good sign! |
 |
| God promises double blessings for your trouble - perhaps we shall get triple?! |
 | |
| Pretty amazing that one bulb can have so much grow from it. God's clever! |
Anyway, must be off to shower after a long day, then more chocolate and a large cup of hot, strong tea - a lifesaver to us Brits - tea fixes anything I'm told ; )
Be blessed : )
Sunday, 1 June 2014
My Week From Hell! (Part 1)
Yet again I have been AWOL, with far less posts than I would like, but my reason this time is even more genuine than previous ones!
Life had been ridiculous as always, but over the past couple of weeks my husband had complained of various muscular aches and pains in his right leg and hip. Then, on Friday 23rd, after a heavy day at work, he bent down to pat the dog on the head, and 'bam!', he couldn't get back up.
He was in agony. Thinking it was a muscular spasm he tried to walk it off, but the pain only increased. He reached a point where he could not move, sit or stand and was left propped against the dining room table in excruciating pain. After an hour and it not improving I called the out of hours Doctor service. They called back and advised that he had to go into hospital as he was in such acute pain.
The ambulance came and took about an hour getting him onto a gurney. They then took another hour getting enough pain killers into him for the journey to hospital. During this time I was organising my eldest son's girlfriend getting picked up (I was supposed to drop her home - it was the first time she had come round for tea, I think we may have scared her!), packing stuff for my husband for hospital, and getting my 4 kids and the dog sorted so that I could go with my husband. It was manic.
At the hospital we had to wait in the hall for a bed to become available. Then getting him onto the bed was a tremendous challenge, as every little movement caused him to scream in agony. They x-rayed him as they thought it was a broken pelvis or hip, or a bone fracture - but nothing. Each test took ages to happen. Here's the photograph of husband's arm 8 days after he was out of hospital. The bruising is a result of their four botched attempts to take blood for testing:
Because things don't move fast in hospitals, unless an emergency, I was about to go home (he was on a lot of pain meds by then, so snoozing lightly). I turned my back on him for a moment, and when I turned back his eyes had rolled into the back of his head - he was unconscious.
I had to stand in Accident and Emergency shouting for help, and when they got to him they realised he wasn't breathing. They started CPR and chest compressions, and one nurse tried to take me off to a 'relatives room' to wait as they worked on him. 'It's not nice watching this,' she said. 'Come on, you don't want this in your memory bank.' I was probably looking a bit panicked, but I remember saying to her 'I'm alright. I won't get in your way, but I don't want to leave him. If this is the end, I want to be here.'
I remember standing there talking to God in that moment. We had gone in with my husband in pain, a muscular problem we thought. And in that moment I was faced with perhaps walking out of that place, never seeing him again. All evening we had been praying, praising and reading the Bible, crying out to God, but I remember wondering how his death could possibly be part of God's plan. It was dreadful, and scary and I think, life changing. Everything falls into perspective when you're met with that.
Praise God they got him breathing again. They don't know why it happened, possibly pain, shock and medications. But they said that had they not intervened there was no guarantee he would have started breathing again as he'd stopped for longer than people usually do in that type of faint. Praise God I was there and turned to look at him in that moment and noticed. Praise God he's not dead.
After that I wasn't about to go anywhere and couldn't take my eyes off him to see if he was breathing! They did various test throughout the night, ruled out fractures or bones and offered a diagnosis of muscular/ nerve/ tendon, but nothing more. He showed no signs of improvement however until friends started praying around 6.30am, then he improved just enough to be able to shuffle to the loo by himself, albeit on morphine, valium and an anti-inflammatory drug. Because his pain was being 'managed' (he still couldn't move or do anything) they said he could go home.
Somehow I managed to fold him gently into the car, and after over 30 hours without sleep (plus an awful lot of stress and adrenaline) I drove home (whilst praying I could keep my concentration). After settling him on the sofa, I scuttled off to bed for a couple of hours' sleep.
The shock of it all - the sudden intrusion of pain into our lives and the trauma of seeing my husband almost die - has taken the week to wear off. Some of it I'm sure I'll never quite manage to 'file' properly in my head. I don't know how to quantify near death experiences like that. But in spite of it all, I can see that God has been with us in it. Even when I stood, all alone, watching them resuscitate my husband, I am sure Jesus stood next to me and reached out to hold my hand, and whisper 'Don't worry, it will be OK'.
There was quite a lot preceding all this drama, and little did I know there was more to come, but I shall tell more in Part 2, tomorrow or the day after (time allowing, as I am now working full time at our business and managing kids, meals, husband etc, as with him not working if I don't work we don't have any income). But apologies for my absence. Hopefully a clearer month ahead as he improves in health.
More Soon, be blessed : )
Life had been ridiculous as always, but over the past couple of weeks my husband had complained of various muscular aches and pains in his right leg and hip. Then, on Friday 23rd, after a heavy day at work, he bent down to pat the dog on the head, and 'bam!', he couldn't get back up.
He was in agony. Thinking it was a muscular spasm he tried to walk it off, but the pain only increased. He reached a point where he could not move, sit or stand and was left propped against the dining room table in excruciating pain. After an hour and it not improving I called the out of hours Doctor service. They called back and advised that he had to go into hospital as he was in such acute pain.
The ambulance came and took about an hour getting him onto a gurney. They then took another hour getting enough pain killers into him for the journey to hospital. During this time I was organising my eldest son's girlfriend getting picked up (I was supposed to drop her home - it was the first time she had come round for tea, I think we may have scared her!), packing stuff for my husband for hospital, and getting my 4 kids and the dog sorted so that I could go with my husband. It was manic.
At the hospital we had to wait in the hall for a bed to become available. Then getting him onto the bed was a tremendous challenge, as every little movement caused him to scream in agony. They x-rayed him as they thought it was a broken pelvis or hip, or a bone fracture - but nothing. Each test took ages to happen. Here's the photograph of husband's arm 8 days after he was out of hospital. The bruising is a result of their four botched attempts to take blood for testing:
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| Yes, he cried when they tried, even on morphine! |
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| Pretty gruesome! This is when it was better! |
I had to stand in Accident and Emergency shouting for help, and when they got to him they realised he wasn't breathing. They started CPR and chest compressions, and one nurse tried to take me off to a 'relatives room' to wait as they worked on him. 'It's not nice watching this,' she said. 'Come on, you don't want this in your memory bank.' I was probably looking a bit panicked, but I remember saying to her 'I'm alright. I won't get in your way, but I don't want to leave him. If this is the end, I want to be here.'
I remember standing there talking to God in that moment. We had gone in with my husband in pain, a muscular problem we thought. And in that moment I was faced with perhaps walking out of that place, never seeing him again. All evening we had been praying, praising and reading the Bible, crying out to God, but I remember wondering how his death could possibly be part of God's plan. It was dreadful, and scary and I think, life changing. Everything falls into perspective when you're met with that.
Praise God they got him breathing again. They don't know why it happened, possibly pain, shock and medications. But they said that had they not intervened there was no guarantee he would have started breathing again as he'd stopped for longer than people usually do in that type of faint. Praise God I was there and turned to look at him in that moment and noticed. Praise God he's not dead.
After that I wasn't about to go anywhere and couldn't take my eyes off him to see if he was breathing! They did various test throughout the night, ruled out fractures or bones and offered a diagnosis of muscular/ nerve/ tendon, but nothing more. He showed no signs of improvement however until friends started praying around 6.30am, then he improved just enough to be able to shuffle to the loo by himself, albeit on morphine, valium and an anti-inflammatory drug. Because his pain was being 'managed' (he still couldn't move or do anything) they said he could go home.
Somehow I managed to fold him gently into the car, and after over 30 hours without sleep (plus an awful lot of stress and adrenaline) I drove home (whilst praying I could keep my concentration). After settling him on the sofa, I scuttled off to bed for a couple of hours' sleep.
The shock of it all - the sudden intrusion of pain into our lives and the trauma of seeing my husband almost die - has taken the week to wear off. Some of it I'm sure I'll never quite manage to 'file' properly in my head. I don't know how to quantify near death experiences like that. But in spite of it all, I can see that God has been with us in it. Even when I stood, all alone, watching them resuscitate my husband, I am sure Jesus stood next to me and reached out to hold my hand, and whisper 'Don't worry, it will be OK'.
There was quite a lot preceding all this drama, and little did I know there was more to come, but I shall tell more in Part 2, tomorrow or the day after (time allowing, as I am now working full time at our business and managing kids, meals, husband etc, as with him not working if I don't work we don't have any income). But apologies for my absence. Hopefully a clearer month ahead as he improves in health.
More Soon, be blessed : )
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