The past month has seen: business accounts and tax returns completed, personal tax returns done, my birthday, my first tutorial and the start of studying for training to become a preacher (it took a while to get into it, I could hear the cogs in my brain squealing as they started up after many years of child-rearing and non-study time!), working hard to get some very essential jobs done on the house, my eldest son has had issues at school and we've had to look into whether he should move school and my eldest daughter had an operation. Plus everyone had to be fed, bills had to be paid and housework and work had to be done!
I'm aware I start many posts with a list of why I've been too busy to blog, and I'm sorry about that. I think on the whole these past 6 months or so I had become increasingly weary of the endless list of essential things to do, never seeming to be able to get onto the things I felt called to or drawn to, and being continually bogged down by ill health.
I have considered many times perhaps selling our home, as we have enough equity in it to at least clear our debts and make life a little simpler, at least financially. And with less money pressure I felt my health and the pressure on my husband to keep working with a trapped nerve in his back would be reduced. But one day when walking past a potential house we could move to, I felt God say quite clearly:
"You keep looking for an exit, but the only way out is through."
This was emphasised to me again when reading book 2 of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. The main character Katniss is speaking to an old friend of hers:
"I just can't wait for the whole thing to be over," I whisper.
"I know," says Greasy Sae. "But you've got to go through it to get to the end of it."
The ridiculous and sometimes overwhelming busyness, the spectre of debt always at the edge of my vision, the ill health that never seems to go away and sometimes comes screaming back into my life in full force, the long-held God-given dreams that have yet to materialise. All these things over decades of waiting have left me a little weary and battle fatigued. Then, when crying out to the Lord for help or seeing a potential solution, the Lord turns round and says 'there will be no short cuts with this lot, you must go through.'
But even I have to admit that God has spoken to me. And by speaking to me, He has shown me that He is with me in this. He is aware of what I'm going through, how tired I am. He's aware that the temptation to short cut this journey nags at me and it's hard to resist, as I can list so many positive things from relieving the pressure. And by the very fact that He's bothered to speak to me (I am only 1 person of nearly 7 billion on the planet), He's shown that He cares. And if He cares, and if He's aware, then it's reasonable to presume that He's got a plan and all the solutions I need are just a short distance away.
Who knows, maybe by being so grumpy, weary and negative and generally a bit 'doubting', I am actually slowing the whole thing down?
So, as well as being there in acute times of pain, He is there in the long, ongoing, wearying types of pain too. The 'I'm just so tired I don't think I can even cry or speak or lift myself out of this position anymore' type of pain.
I do have a ridiculous amount of pressures in my life right now, but having been assured that to find my answers I must press through, and that the only way to get to the end is to get going, I realise if I'm going to stick on this journey with Him I should work on my attitude. I can work on being more positive, seeing the good, speaking out the Word expecting it to come to pass.
On my birthday I made my husband and dog go on a long walk with me.
We basically walked from where I stood to take the photo, to over the brow of the hill in the distance and a bit beyond. It rained. The camera battery gave up. We lost the dog's lead and had to go back for it. But ... I spent time with my dear husband, I got exercise and I really enjoyed the walk. And looking back on the journey, on the sense of achievement having walked that far, is terrific. In essence, it was worth it. And it was a lovely view.
And I know that ever so quietly and unassumingly, someone else walked with us along the way ... If only I paid more attention to the fact that He's always with me, I might have a more worshipful and thankful attitude in my heart.
May you know Him on your journey, may He lift your weariness, and may He show you the way forward and give you hope. Be blessed : )
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