France

As you may know from previous posts we had the privilege of being able to travel to the beautiful Vendee region of France for two weeks during the summer. It was our first 2 week family holiday in 17 years!

I had pondered many times leading up to the holiday, was it worth the cost? It was so incredibly expensive, and yet we weren't exactly living in luxury and had taken our own vehicle across the Channel on a ferry. But I can honestly say that although the cost concerned me, the rest received was well worth it.

We had some issues, which I shall explain in another post, but I have to say that the Vendee region (half way down the West Coast of France) is beautiful. We had deliciously warm weather, and because they are an hour ahead of us, light until around 9 - 9.30pm every evening.

Normally on a one week holiday you unpack, enjoy a few days of rushing about trying to see the local area or do some activity or another, then think about packing again. With two weeks I'd forgotten how much you completely get to unwind.

Here are a few of the things we got to enjoy:

Grapes larger than a thumb and enormous Swiss chocolate bars!

Such an array of cheese, cured meats and pate!

Pastries from the bakery, cakes from McDonalds (yes McDs in France has a cake stand!!) and addictively yummy biccies

We were treated to a glorious sunset over the local town every evening

 

We ate out a few times, but have to admit the golden arches of McDonalds' did call to the children, and out of curiosity we succumbed. But in France you are waitress served (all self serve in the UK), have a far wider selection of sandwiches and salads, and there is even a cake stand (selling my favourite, mini macaroons, as well as a choice of other cakes, cookies and pies!).

The food and vegetable options in the supermarkets were phenomenal, but in fairness the weather in that region is incredibly dry and warm, with little humidity and mild winters. Also we found driving 450+ miles south from Cherbourg the road links in France are amazing.

Mostly we relaxed as a family, either at the shared pool or at one of the many glorious beaches. We played games together and even our eldest son who really likes his own company and is very reluctant to join in with anything at home, asked to join in!

Gloriously sandy beach - this beach had a warm lagoon that we swam in!

Walking along a boardwalk in the sunshine, just before purchasing ice creams

The black dot is a mad family member body boarding in the great surf

One day when walking along the boardwalk above, enjoying ice creams, listening to a band play in one of the many bars we saw some people coming towards us:

Please excuse the circling, that was my daughter editing the photo she sneaked of them as they passed. You certainly don't expect to meet members of the army when walking along a beach front.

It made us painfully aware of how the people of France have been suffering with terrorist attacks, that it is deemed necessary to have the army patrol anywhere that is full of people enjoying themselves. As adults, and parents, we were shocked. Thankfully my youngest and most sensitive son was simply thrilled to have seen an automatic weapon up close. But we do think more of how the French have also been suffering at the hands of terrorists.

We took the holiday half way through our school summer holidays, but with the children involved in a holiday club, our eldest doing a four week citizenship course (which essentially involves them learning how to live off a budget, learn to cook, have fun and raise money for charity, all government funded - it's called NCS), continued health appointments and work, the summer has flown by and we are now feeling the nip of Autumn very much in the air.

I apologise for the lack of posts. With a Facebook page now set up (if I can figure out how to use it from my mobile I'll be ecstatic!) I should be able to do short posts much more regularly. But I can honestly say, yet again, that I have never had such a time in my life where so much is going on at once, all of which seems so out of my hands. So I am glad for the holiday - we needed it, to re-connect as a family and as a couple. Who knows when we shall have another? And I finally found some decent time for God - He even started me dreaming again and began nudging dreams long laid aside in hope deferred (see Proverbs 13:12).

I hope and pray your summer was blessed and that God starts whispering to your heart of dreams that may be long forgotten. For He is the God of the impossible.

And in my prayers I remember those who have suffered so much in France, and also those now suffering so much in Syria. Has there ever been such a time of this? But perhaps that is why God brought us here, to our positions, for such a time as this (see Esther 4: 14)? Perhaps your dream is just what the world needs right now?

The rest that came with the holiday may have passed, but I pray that we all may be able to walk forward in the rest that comes from God (see Hebrews 4:9 - 11 and also Joyce Meyer's article on God's rest: https://www.joycemeyer.org/articles/ea.aspx?article=living_in_Gods_rest ).

Please do check out my Facebook page (see the post on Facebook, it's my featured post on the right hand side) and follow if you want more timely updates.

With blessings, as always : )

Au Revoir ... for a couple of weeks!

Just a quick post to apologise for yet another far too long absence: I've been unwell, there has been endless end of summer term activities such as my youngest two performing in The Lion King at their school, lots of 'leaver's' events for my youngest son as he leaves his Primary school to move onto Secondary, endless health appointments and Police appointments for ongoing assessments for the children and ongoing court cases and also ... preparing for our first two week holiday and our first holiday abroad in 17 years!!!

Tomorrow we are off to the Vendee region in France! For two weeks! I will actually get to spend some time with my other half and my children, and get some rest!! And there's a swimming pool!

Here's a picture of the beach near where we're going to:

This was just one pic I could find - I'll show you more when I return : )

I hope to be able to do a proper post when I get back (and have unpacked), but I am sorry that I have been AWOL.

There have been some good thins happening though. My eldest daughter has finally been diagnosed with some learning difficulties and some processing problems, which means she should be able to access help in the future with her education and hopefully gain better results in exams. After all, she understands what she is taught but just couldn't seem to be able to get it across in an exam and under pressure.

The diagnosis also means she should get an intermediary that will help her through her court case against her ex boyfriend who was unkind to her (putting it politely). Unfortunately though, that will start when we get back, but on the bright side at least we shall be rested!

Her other court case which involved a man following her and other girls from their college into town and back and making very inappropriate comments has been dropped as he finally pleaded guilty! If he had kept on denying it, it would have had to go to court. However now he has finally admitted it, because he was re-arrested for breaking his bail conditions, he is now in prison and will be out around December/ January time. So it is a great relief to know that we don't have to go through that.

On another positive note we have great things to look forward to. Upon our return we hope to get a new puppy. The children all wanted one for Christmas, but we wanted to wait until it was warmer and until after our holiday. So we shall be busy looking for a little bundle to join our 6 year old black labrador shortly.

And yesterday, after having three computers and two phones with about 20 different log-ons we managed to secure some decent seats for the Harry Potter play in London!!! It is our treat for being married 20 years this year. We shall have a weekend in London, child free! We already had some tickets but they were not very good, so we shall return them. The only down side is that the tickets are for September 2017!! By then we will have been married 21 years, but hey, I hear it's worth the wait.

And shortly we are going to have a child free overnight to ourselves to celebrate this year's anniversary, courtesy of the grandparents, as this year's treat isn't happening until next September!

Life has been the busiest and most ridiculous I have ever known it. But actually, although there have been some low points, God has miraculously sustained us and kept me going with nuggets of encouragement. It's only been little things, like manna, just enough to keep going. But I am really looking forward on holiday getting back in touch with Him properly again too.

And all the time I hear Him gently calling and pulling me into what He created me to do and started speaking to me about approximately 30 years ago, or more! I guess I must be like a good vintage wine or champagne, I get better and more ripe with age (!?). Let's hope so. I am looking forward to see what is ahead ....

But until I return, hopefully with photos to share, au revoir, for now.

And as always, may God bless you richly. I pray for all who may stumble across my humble little blog, that they would really know and experience that God loves them, and that He's moving positively in their lives to get them through whatever they are going through, and that they will come out stronger, better on the other side, and with the ability to help others with what they themselves have learnt. Blessings and love and prayers upon you, always : )

Adele at Glastonbury .... and Happy 4th July!

First of all Happy 4^th July to all in the U.S.A! May you have something to celebrate and be thankful for and may God make this truly your Independence (Freedom!) Day!

These past few weeks I have been feeling new levels of brokenness in my heart. I am not sure if it is the pressure of all the difficulties and challenges I currently have in my life, hormones or a mixture of it all. But almost every day I find what lies ahead too much for more: physically, emotionally, mentally … and I turn to God.

Matthew 21: 44 says: “Anyone who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces; anyone on whom it falls will be crushed.”

Luke 20: 18 says: “Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces; anyone on whom it falls will be crushed.”

The Scriptures are talking about Jesus. I have found that as I have approached God with my weakness and pain I have had a choice: either surrender it to Him and lay myself on the altar daily – offering up my pain and heartache in worship to Him. Or resist and allow my circumstances to crush me. I have chosen to lay myself on the altar, to be a living sacrifice (Romans 12: 1). But I can honestly say that I have never known such depths of loneliness, of brokenness, barrenness and heart literally aching as I have in recent days.

But encouragement, and God can be found in the strangest of places. I happened to catch some of this year’s Glastonbury festival on TV, and the end of the set by Adele on the Pyramid Stage. She spoke about when she wrote the song ‘Someone Like You’:

“This song changed my life. I wrote it when I was obviously miserable (that’s nothing new is it, we all know that!). And I wrote it, and … I wanted a friend in this song. I wanted to feel not so alone, and within a couple of hours of starting to write it on my own, feeling very sorry for myself (I had a bad cold, I was running a bath, all that – trying to get better). And it did it’s job for me. And the song in general, kinda helped me fix myself a little bit. And then, when I started playing it to people that I know and that I love, they started reacting to this song very differently to anything else I’d ever written.

            And then I did it on Jools Holland (a music TV show here in the UK), and then … this ball started getting bigger and bigger and then started rolling. And then I did it at the Brit Awards and then from that moment it completely changed my life. And then nothing’s ever been the same ever since. In amazing ways, and sometimes in strange and weird ways. But this song is the one I feel like if anyone ever remembers me in years to come, that this might be the song they do.”

She went on to say that that moment, on the stage at Glastonbury, was not only the best moment of her completely amazing and stupendous career (my description, she wouldn’t refer to herself like that!), but of her life.

So you see, from great pain and our lowest moments, can come the very thing that changes our lives.

I will write more about that, and the encouragements that God keeps leaving for me – almost like a little trail of breadcrumbs for me to follow, or energy shots and manna to keep me going, soon. But for all those out there who may read this, who have some pain, who maybe stumble across this page by accident – know that it’s not an accident, that perhaps God just brought you here on purpose to speak to you. Perhaps what you are going through, although not from God, may be used by Him and be just the very thing you need to bring out the beauty and gift within.

Perhaps I write this, as Adele did, to ‘find a friend’ in the words. But if you feel pain, or feel alone, or are hurting or face any form of difficulty – know that you are not alone and know that you have a friend. I can understand. And much more than that, God understands, loves you and cares for you – and has a great plan for your life and to get you out of those difficult circumstances. (Jeremiah 29: 11)

As a friend of mine wrote on the beach and the photographed, at a Christian conference:

 

As ever, be blessed : )

The Day In Between

Between the crucifixion and Christ rising on Easter Sunday, there was the day in between. The day where all seemed hopeless. Their Saviour, their leader, their friend was lost to them – dead. And hope seemed to have died with Him.

That’s where I am. I’m on the day in between.

I last posted in August 2015. I can’t believe it’s been so long and have no idea where the time has gone.

My husband was just undergoing a spinal injection for nerve impingement and pain. It went well and he is just about to undergo another. However many other things have happened between then and now.

We undertook a building project to get a much need extra bedroom for our children. It started well, but the builder, who we thought a friend, let us down very poorly. As did the electrician, a neighbour. We have been left with the work half done but costing twice as much, and we’ve been living in a tip as we wait for the Lord to sort out a way to put it right, both with time and money. The friendship, sadly, was lost.

My two boys are on the autism/ Aspgerger’s spectrum. One will need help as he graduates to big school in September and the other has had serious issues and has needed help and intervention and support for some time. There have been, and still is, serious concerns for his well being and he affects the whole house most profoundly.

My eldest is flunking college. It has just suddenly come to light. I’ve been burning the midnight oil helping, supporting and researching for her. The college think she has a learning disability and needs additional help, which they can’t give. She will need to spend an extra year at college.

My youngest has always had problems with Literacy. She seems to have the same issues as my eldest.

All four of my children need diagnosis, help and support. Our world renowned NHS (National Health Service – supposedly ‘free’ health care to all) is so grossly underfunded that it will not help. I have been asked to write inch thick reports on the children and our family that have taken days and days to do, to try to obtain help. I have been reduced to tears in the Doctors office. I have spent hours and hours and been left in frustration, and now need to remortgage my home to pay for help privately.

And it has come to light one of my children has been the victim of a serious sexual assault and the Police are involved. After being sexually abused as a child myself I’d always prayed, Lord not my children, never my children, please spare them that.

And I’ve (understandably) had to take time off work for all of this since January and to look after children who’ve had flu for the past two weeks, so income has halved, whilst we’re trying to pay our tax and national insurance bills.

You’d think that was enough. But no, the devil really likes to make it pour!

Our neighbours, who are also Christians, are the parents of our best friends. Every few years they kick off about something. For example, a few year ago my husband politely asked if they could stop their daughter’s dog (which lived with them) running up and down our fence line at 6 a.m. every morning as it was waking him up. The response was for the husband to shout at my husband down the phone. Then the daughter (the sister of my friend) and the mother to come round and shouted at me (I didn’t make the complaint, but that didn’t seem to bother them) and tell me I was an awful Christian and a dreadful witness. I did ask them who was I witnessing to exactly, apart from them, who were already Christians? But the sad thing is, each time they kick off over some innocuous thing our friends (their other daughter and son-in-law) won’t speak to us and our friendship weakens. Which is sad. We’ve been mates 25 years and we’re Godparents to each others’ children.

Last week the same barky dog broke through their fence and tried to bite my grocery delivery man. The dog then ran off and I spent half an hour trying to help the Dad find him to no avail. We were told he wouldn’t be staying there any more. But there was no apology, no thanks for helping to look for him even though he was being vicious. I only notice that in hindsight as we didn’t expect it, but it would’ve been nice, or at least polite.

This week, when I opened the door to my grocery order being delivered, the man said ‘Is this your dog? He’s just sank his teeth into my leg.’ It was a bite the size of a fist and the man ended up in hospital. The grocery store said they may never deliver to me again.

I called the Dad to come fetch the dog. The Dad shouted at me. My youngest autistic son was here as he’d been off ill, was in tears. ‘Why did he shout at Mummy and wave his arms at her?’ he asked my husband. ‘Why didn’t he ask the delivery man if he was OK?’ And now our friends won’t talk to us, because they’re upset ad their family is upset.

We understand their upset, that to not know what will happen to your dog (as the Police were involved by the grocery store) is an awful thing. We’ve even expressed how sorry we were for them. But I was told on the phone this morning by our friend, the son-in-law, to ‘be very careful what I do now’ and to ‘watch my step’ as his wife, my friend, is very upset and that if I didn’t tread very carefully I could risk throwing away the friendship entirely.

I pointed out that the way he was putting it, it didn’t sound like a suggestion, but more of a threat. And what was it I am supposed to have done anyway, apart from live in the wrong place?

These past months I feel as if I have been watching things die. There’s been so much stress it’s been hard to keep an effective marriage going (we’re struggling on) and health has been sorely affected. We’ve lost our friendship with the builder and his wife (his behaviour was awful) and we’ve slowly been watching our friendship with our ‘best friends’ die in various ways. I’ve watched my children lose their innocence, through no fault of their own, and struggle with learning problems and difficulties they don’t understand. And I’ve had to speak to the Police far more times than I would like.

I sense deep down in my spirit that this is a pruning. A culling. A letting the ballast go. So that new growth, new friendships, can come, so the Kingdom can grow and we can fly at last. In my spirit I can see that. With my spirit eyes I believe wholeheartedly the future is awesome, that God’s promises will come good at last.

But naturally speaking I am stuck, on the day in between.

“Everything that’s broke, leave it to the breeze … Trying to push this problem up the hill, When it’s just too heavy to hold. Think now’s the time to let it slide…. Just let it be … everything that’s broke, leave it to the breeze, let the ashes fall. Come on, let it go. Just let it be. Why don’t you be you, And I’ll be me?” James Bay, Let It Go

I need to let the ashes fall. I need a moment to mourn the losses, and the pain and the difficulties, of which there have been far too many. I need to release my pain to God. But it may take time.

Then I need to walk in the freedom of being Me. Being who He made me to be, even if that means losing friends who weren’t actually always terribly friendly anyway. And I need to wait, and let Him be the great I AM I believe him to be. Then I will fly, and He will fly with me. And together everything will be put right, as it should be. Together, we will change the world. (And we’ll have more friends : ))

That will come. But for now, I am on the day in between.

Shaken by Love

I have a daily devotional book based on the writing's of Hannah Whitall Smith (1832 - 1911). She wrote many, wonderful Christian books that still sell well today.

Last week I read an entry which has helped me tremendously:

"At that time His voice shook the earth, but now He has promised, 'Once more I will shake not only the earth, but also the heavens.' The words 'once more' indicate the removing of what can be shaken - that is, created things - so that what cannot be shaken may remain." Hebrews 12: 26-27

Mrs Smith goes on to explain:

'It may seem to those who do not understand the deepest ways of love that neither trials not hardness could ever come into the lives of God's children. But if we look deeply into the matter, we will see that often love itself must bring the hardness. "The Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone he accepts as a son." (Hebrews 12: 6)
       If love sees those it loves going wrong, it must, because of this very love do what it can to save them; and the love that fails to do this is only selfishness. Therefore, the God of love, when He sees his children resting their souls on things that can be shaken, must necessarily remove those things from their lives in order that they may be driven to rest only on the things that cannot be shaken; and this process of removing is sometimes very hard.'

God has been shaking me these past years. I can see that now. And this shaking process is hard. Very hard.

Years ago, decades ago, God spoke to me about my life and I feel, gave me certain promises certain dreams. I got very excited, and things seemed to progress at one point. But instead of those wonderful promises it feels as though He has slowly dismantled me. Taken me apart, piece by piece. I have been tested, and tried and broken.

But now, at last, I feel I am growing to know Him better. He had to dismantle me, to shake me, to get rid of the rubbish.

'Clear away the clutter ... ' one word said to me, 'then you'll soar like a jet.'

'The crux of the matter is you have to learn to stop relying on your own strength.'

Now I feel He is slowly putting the building blocks in place.

We are about to embark on major home renovations here, to give my four children their own bedrooms for the first time ever. It's a stretch in every way: time, health, strength, finances. But we're getting rid of so much we no longer need or use. And it's paving the way for a better, clutter free future, where we can really start to enjoy our home and I can start to move forward in the calling upon my life.

Gosh, if anyone had ever said how hard this Christian lark would be, I'd have said, no thank you, you can keep that! But I know it'll be worth it. Like at home in the work we're doing: you have to tear down to rebuild. At least now I understand that the tearing down has been done out of love, so I can rely on Him, not on me, for what is ahead. I'm believing that in faith. I'm walking forward in faith. I believe, in faith that He loves Me. And I finally understand that I can accomplish NOTHING without Him.

He is my rock, my life, my all. And in that surrender all that He is comes flooding through.

May you know His strength, His love in your lives, and may the clutter be removed so you can soar. Be blessed : )

Holiday and Stonehenge

As promised a post post-holiday : )

We went to Cornwall for a week. A beautiful place, lots to do, gorgeous beaches. The kids rated it 10/10, 10/10, 9/10 and 7/10 (the lowest score was from my 14 year old mildly autistic son who hates going anywhere, so actually a very high score indeed!).

On the way there and back we saw Stonehenge!

 

During the week we went to the beach (where the youngest two tried body-boarding and thoroughly enjoyed it), we went on a speedboat trip around the Padstow / Camel Estuary, we did go-karting, swimming, laser tag (awesome fun, hiding in grass waiting to get shot in the head by my husband or a random teenage boy, all of whom took it very seriously - but my team won anyway - hurrah!), my youngest went horse riding with her Dad, and my eldest had a facial and massage. And my least favourite, but possibly most important activity was Adrenalin Quarry, where we all did the second longest zip wire in the UK. It's 450m long, jumping off a cliff. And I hate heights.

Yes, it is as long and as scary as it looks : o

I felt, after such a long and hard fought battle with fear throughout my illness it was really important that I don't allow fear to hold me back in any way. We had to queue for about 20 minutes, all the while staring at the long drop, then when you're in your harness you have to stand on the cliff edge for several minutes until it's time to go - literally staring into the abyss! But I felt God remind me of a quote I'd been given by a friend some time ago:

"The steps of faith fall on the seeming void, and find the rock beneath"
                                                                         John Greenleaf Whittier - My Soul and I

I did the jump with my youngest son, who again hates new things and gets anxious, but was willing to give it a go (all the family did it in pairs), and do you know what, I screamed all the way down, but with exhiliration, not fear! I actually enjoyed it!! And it is a memory of spending time with my son on that long way down (he really encouraged me) that I will treasure forever.

I was so pleased and had consciously left behind all fear and the past behind me at the top, ready to move forward.

I didn't move forward quite as fast as I'd hoped. First my eldest, who is such a daredevil and loved jumping off a cliff had a minor fear meltdown at go-karting, so I spent time with her praying and encouraged her to give it another go, to not let fear win, which she did and was much happier afterwards. Then I started to feel unwell that evening, couldn't sleep when I went to bed and got up around 1 a.m. with a serious sickness bug. I was up all night. By the end I was so exhausted that I was almost asleep on the loo. But my biggest issue was why? Why, when we'd been so looking forward to holiday and time with the children, and the very much needed time off, would God allow me to be so ill and also let fear/ the devil attack?

I was stuck indoors for two days unable to go out (my husband bravely soldiered on, my eldest was also a little ill the next day too but quickly recovered thankfully), and I have been feeling a bit unwell, a little 'viral' ever since on and off. But it drove me back to God. Admittedly with my many questions: Why would you let me get ill, especially on holiday? It made me question all the breakages we'd had lately: air conditioning in our new van, our satellite TV box broke, our mower (a main piece of machinery in our work and we've been without it for nearly 2 months now, during peak mowing season) our small car acting up and then on holiday, of all places BOTH cameras broke! (Hence the lack of photos from holiday, we have some on our phones but have yet to upload them).

BUT: the illness gave me an opportunity to face my fear of being sick. My eldest son who hates new places and busy-ness got to stay home with me for a day and watch DVDs together and that helped him unwind and enjoy holiday more. I actually got some rest for a change. I lost some weight - not the best weight loss plan, but still worked - and as my appetite for junk food stays at bay now I'm feeling a little lighter and healthier. I got to spend time with the Lord. And I actually got to hear a little from Him too. And He gave me the energy I needed to work three long hot, hard days this week - amazing considering how I'd felt! I should also add that He has given us enough work so that we're booked almost until Christmas now, which is amazing - thank you Lord!

Was it part back-lash from confronting fear? Maybe. But I know my God is bigger than that. I think in all honesty I'd given the devil room to move in my life through over-work, not spending time with God (putting Him first) and then eating too much rubbishy food in the evenings - not feeding my body proper nutrition (I'd particularly over-indulged in cakes, sweets and chocolate that evening).

I have felt God really encourage me to make right decisions on an ongoing basis. Whether this is what I eat, how I spend my time, making time for family and God, or not over-working.

"In order to reap 'right' results in life, you have to do right when you do not feel like it ... We should look to the future, determine what we want to see happen, and then discipline ourselves in order that we may ahve it ...If you discipline yourself now, you can trust that He'll bring you great reward (see Hebrews 12:11"

He has also spoken to me of the great future He has planned for me and my family:

"Whatever you go through God will always be with us .... No matter what you are facing right now, God has a great life planned for you. It includes prosperity and progress in every area of life. It includes great peace, unspeakable joy, and every good thing you can imagine ... Be strong and courageous and never give up, and you will have everything He wants you to have in life."

(All quotes above from Trusting God Day by Day devotional by Joyce Meyer).

We are about to embark on huge renovation work here, involving great financial outlay, time off work and less income. We have huge costs coming up: car repairs, mower repairs, decorating costs after the building work and new furniture, a bus pass for my daughter to get to college (£560!!), a holiday next year, etc. I am believing for so many things, such as a new camera (I love photography and love documenting our lives), certain things for Christmas, (some necessary, some not), a new smaller car somehow, and great forward movement in the calling on my life, the state of our home, more quality time with the family and great movement forward in our finances which need the next move of the Lord.

God's answers:

"Is anything too difficult for the Lord?" Genesis 18:14

"Do not fear, only believe." Mark 5: 36

So holiday was not all we hoped it would be, but the kids had an awesome time, and maybe, in the long run, for us adults it will be more, because of the wisdom we have gained from it.

I pray that all who read this may know God's peace in their lives and His rest, as well as His blessings. We're off out now. It's a gorgeous sunny afternoon, and we're going to take the dog for a walk along a river, and perhaps do a little wading ourselves. At last, some quality family time!

As ever, be blessed : )

For Such A Time As This ..... Part 2

As we entered January I felt slightly rested from the extreme exhaustion I'd entered the Christmas holidays with. It is just a well, as things ramped up very quickly!

The secured loan specialist was in touch the second week of January. At first he was very doubtful he could help. He seemed to go back on all the messages he'd sent via our financial adviser. It seems he didn't know we had four children, and told us if we didn't have the children to support he'd be able to get us the help we needed. It was a low point, but I had to keep trusting, after all my children were a gift from God!

Then he told us that if we were to borrow, we had to not only borrow what we needed for the house, equipment and vehicles, but we also had to pay off our Debt Management Plan (DMP)! We are talking a colossal sum of money here. Again, it was hard.

I knew it was possible to speak to creditors to negotiate a settlement at less than the full amount. I spoke to the company managing our DMP. They said as we didn't have funds available within 14 days they could not help. I asked for telephone numbers for the creditors so I could negotiate. They refused. They said I should Google them. I was cross at how very unhelpful they were, but I did Google. And I found numbers for all 14 creditors. And I started to call.

Negotiating with one person to whom you owe money is hard. You have to bear your soul, explain why you got into the trouble you did. You have to re-live traumatic events that led to you getting into debt - times you never want to think of again. Now imagine doing that 14 times over. There were more than a few tears and I felt as if I were climbing a mountain. Somehow God gave me the courage to persevere.

Some were helpful and kind. Many were not. Some were downright obstructive.

Over the period of a week we managed to negotiate settlements with all 14 creditors. Then the loan broker said we needed letters as proof. So we had to call them all again. Each settlement had an expiry date, which during the course of the loan we had to extend again and again as things dragged on.

Then the broker wanted up to date accounts for home and business. And he wanted it approved and signed for by an accountant. We were ten months behind in our accounts and I am the accountant, but I wouldn't do. Within a week of working constantly, morning, noon and night, I got the accounts up to date and did a clear spreadsheet for our accountant friend to look over and sign.

Every time I spoke to the broker and thought I'd done enough, there was more. What little rest I'd gained over Christmas I spent a hundred times over, working all day every day, and all weekend. I have run on adrenaline and hardly seen the children. And my health has deteriorated as a result.

There have been low points - the broker was not an easy man to deal with, neither was the loan company or the company managing our DMP. Keeping 14 creditors, the broker, the loan company and the DMP all happy and in harmony has been a juggling act. But God had given me the exact skill set necessary to do it - 'for such a time as this'.

There have also been encouragements along the way. One day when gardening at work I heard the cry of a bird of prey above me - and there were my birds circling on the thermals again. 'Look up,' they seemed to cry. 'Let Him do the heavy lifting.' (I'm still practising that whole trust thing - I guess it comes from being let down a lot. I'm certain He understands.) Another day I became aware that I was starting to look to the future with hope. Sometimes you don't realise when something is missing until it appears again. I hadn't felt proper hope, hope for the future, in a long time.

Finally, just over a week ago, the loan came through. Then last week, finally, the DMP was paid off. Overall it has been a three month, hard, uphill journey.

The loan is at a higher than normal interest rate as we have a poor credit history, and therefore we have very large repayments to make each month. But the hope/ plan is that in the middle of next year we should be able to remortgage again to get everything onto a better rate, as our credit file should be mostly repaired and our income should be up.

We need to work hard to repay the loan, and also as our income needs to rise so we can get a large enough remortgage. It is the last thing I feel like doing as I am shattered. My health has been suffering since I have stopped - the adrenaline took a while to wear off, then I found it hard to move off the sofa. I've had almost constant migraines, digestive disorders, hormone imbalances and felt very ill at times. But I believe as I keep trusting God, so He WILL renew my strength.

Some may question about getting a loan to pay a debt. I did too. On the whole, after all I've experienced, I believe debt is an awful thing to be avoided. But I believe God has said that He was using a world system to our advantage, to get us out of the ditch we were in. We'd just had an interesting sermon on how God often uses something from the world to save His people in great times of need, such as Cyrus saving the Israelites (see 'Cyrus the Great in The Bible' on Wikipedia). But that's a story for another day. Needless to say if I didn't believe it was Him, I wouldn't have done it.

Ultimately, what God has done, is show us a way where we can borrow funds to stay living here in our home, replace our ageing cars, do up our house and repay our debts, and yet owe less than we did to begin with! It is a miracle, and as with so many miracles it wasn't the supernatural taking the problem from us, but working with us to bring us through it.

I feel as David did in 2 Samuel 7: 18 - 19:

"Then David the king went in and sat before the LORD, and he said, "Who am I, O Lord GOD, and what is my house, that You have brought me this far? "And yet this was insignificant in Your eyes, O Lord GOD, for You have spoken also of the house of Your servant concerning the ... future."

God has promises He's spoken to me about my future and that of my family, my household. There are promises He would speak to you, and has already spoken to you.

God says:

"Whenever I cover the sky with clouds and the rainbow appears, I will remember my promise to you .." Genesis 9: 14

Though times may be tough, though health may flounder or fail, though we know know lack, though promises or hopes may be dead ... yet God. He is the God with the power of the resurrection. He is resurrecting my dead finances, and my hopes ... and I believe my health, dreams and promises.

As He said to me late last year: "I may not always rescue you from it. But I will be with you in it. And I will bring you through it."

So I apologise for my absence, I have been having to work so hard, and been so unwell. But God ...

May you not only be blessed, but know miracles and resurrection in your life too. : )

For Such A Time As This ... Part 1

In my last post I said that I would write more later that week. I cannot believe that I last posted a month ago! Where does the time go? These days it simply seems to fly ... or drag, depending on circumstances : )

I wrote about a wonderful service we had at the end of November, when God spoke to me through the preacher, saying that like Esther, I was here for such a time as this. Those words have proved to be so true.

Many years ago, through a variety of circumstances, my husband and I got into debt. It was a gradual process, and we prayed all the way through begging God for a solution. We were scared of losing our home so we didn't seek help until we were very deep in debt. We spoke to family members and I was ridiculed and told it was all my fault - a deeply damaging experience. We ran out of food and money. Several Christmas times in a row we had real crunch points, where it was gifts for the children or food. The stress was beyond anything I've ever known.

I believe the stress contributed greatly to the ill health I have been suffering from for the last four years.

Five years ago we did finally seek help from a free advice service and we entered what's called a Debt Management Plan. All our creditors agreed to receive an affordable fixed amount from us each month and in turn we could live again. However, at the rate we could afford to pay it was going to take 30 years to pay off the debts. And our cars were getting older and more decrepit. We needed some work equipment. And parts of our house needed desperate attention. And the Debt Management Plan took all we had 'spare'. Yet again we needed a miracle.

Enter the word 'for such a time as this'. God has not just given me the ability to hear from Him, but also finance and administration skills. I felt the Lord say to speak to our bank for a small loan for a work van. I went to the bank and the bank showed me our credit score (how company's work our whether it is safe to loan you money). It was the worst possible score and they refused a loan. I left the bank a bit despondent. I had worked very hard on our business accounts, our home accounts, our business plan, our cash flow, all showing how we could afford a loan. It had taken me a very long time.

My husband said 'Don't worry, it won't all be for nothing'. We were stood outside at the time. I looked up and we saw birds of prey above our heads, circling on the thermals. First there was two, then four. They soared and swooped, then soared again. They were beautiful and majestic. I felt God was reminding us that:

"But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40: 31 NLT

Then God nudged me to speak to our financial adviser. I explained our position (which was humbling, as I had to admit our huge debts once again). But I pointed out we had a lot of money in our property. Could we borrow against the property, rather than an unsecured loan? I felt that was how God was leading. That was December 8th 2014.

Because Christmas was coming everything was slow. It took several weeks for him to speak with our existing mortgage company to see if they were prepared to loan us more. So he handed us over to a secured loan specialist he knew. He said it should be a reasonably easy process as we had covered so much groundwork already. He was wrong.

We entered Christmas weary from work and the extra pressure the financial side of things had put on us. We had little money, and no promise of a good outcome. I felt spent and the devil attacked my mind constantly with negative thoughts. All we could do was praise, hope and trust ....

Part 2 shortly.   Be blessed : )

God's Timing

I wrote in a previous post about an awesome service we'd had at our church at the end of November.

The guy who was preaching (David Holden) had been prayed for by Ian McCormack, who is very well known in the Christian community as he was not a Christian, was stung by box jellyfish about 6 times, and died as a result. During that experience Jesus appeared to him, he was saved, and was literally resurrected. Since then he's travelled the world sharing God's love with people.

I'd met Ian again recently as he was pivotal in my troubled teen's life turning around again and God working miracles in a very difficult situation. He is a lovely, Godly, inspiring man.

David Holden was prayed for by Ian many years ago, and after prayer fell to the floor under the power of God and felt a strange sensation in his arms and hands. When he could finally get up off the floor again, he discovered he could paint, having had no artistic tendencies previously. You can see his art at his website:

http://www.cuckfieldgallery.com/gallery.asp

Have a look, his pictures are beautiful. I can't really copy them here as I'd probably be done for copyright!

Anyway, David is a wonderful prophetic man. He took the time to pray with quite a number of us at my church, myself and my husband included. The Holy Spirit really poured out on dry and thirsty ground. My husband and I had really been waiting on God, for Him to confirm things He'd spoken over us and promises He'd given for us for our lives. After months of waiting, David (without knowing what God had said to us at all), said he felt God saying certain things about us ... and he went on to confirm many of the things God had said over the years.

However he also spoke two very specific things to me.

First of all, during the service, he had some words of knowledge. These are when God gives very specific information to someone about someone else. It could be about a situation, guidance or wisdom, or something like 'I believe God is saying someone here has a painful knee/arm/another specific medical diagnosis and that if they come forward for prayer God will heal them'.

David had some very specific words, even naming the people involved (nothing embarrassing, God's not like that!). But for me, I had felt God give me assurances about finances and other situations. However I've always wanted to know 'when'. Over the years I've learnt to trust and let go of 'when', and practise patience. I went to church thinking God will tell me anything, apart from 'when'.

God's word to me through David was: You have been waiting on God for certain things for a long time. God would say to you, the time is NOW!

The overwhelming sense of relief made me cry!

Another word God spoke to me through David was: Like Esther, you are here 'for such a time as this'.

I did not know at that point how very true those words would prove to be .....

I will share why later this week.

I hope and pray that you will know God at work in your own lives and situations, and as always be blessed : )

Interstellar

I had the pleasure recently of watching Interstellar recently. My husband and I hadn't managed any time alone together since early this year, so we made it a date and went to the movies.

It was rather more challenging than usual because of my husband suffering from a trapped nerve in his spine, which is causing him some not inconsiderable pain, but he dosed up on medication and struggled through.

Though it wasn't all to my taste, there were some interesting themes. In one of them, the main character has a scene with his daughter. He is going away for a long time and she is trying to persuade him to stay, says there are signs for him to stay, but he is determined to go and they part ways. Interestingly however he gets to 'watch' this scene again later on, in the future, and now because of his experiences his perspective is completely different and he feels he should have stayed.

This theme continues because even further into the film he realises he did the right thing in leaving after all. His mind has been changed yet again, because of his new found knowledge.

This really spoke to me. Like many people I have had a lot of struggles in my life with some very difficult issues. Many of those issues continue even now, and I do find it hard. But I realise that I am the person I am today because of those struggles and experiences. In essence, my perspective on so many things has changed because of my new found knowledge.

This is how it must be, I feel, if we're to move closer to God and be more effective in our lives.

The Bible encourages us to 'be transformed by the renewing of our minds' (Romans 12). One way this happens is to learn 'on the job' by experiencing things. Another way is to read the Bible and let its truths wash over us and grow inside us. A third way is to spend time with God to get His heavenly perspective, because things look so different from His point of view.

God encouraged me through the movie that it's all been worthwhile, that it will all make sense, and that as we approach the end of the year I can look back and really celebrate the progress that's been made.

I need that encouragement right now. It's a hard time for us financially with resources stretched very tight. We have four birthdays, Christmas and New Year in a 9 week window starting at the beginning of November and going through to January. Amongst this we have to take time off work as no-one wants things done over Christmas, so we have two people with no income for nearly 2 1/2 weeks. Just having the time off would be a challenge, let alone all that needs to be done on top.

In addition we have car issues, my vacuum cleaner and PC need replacing and we discovered a huge patio window is leaking and needs to be replaced, a huge slab of concrete removed, the damp proof course fixed and concrete re-laid. My internal flooring is wet and mouldy because of it and we've just entered winter. Plus we need two new windows put in by a builder, some plastering done and a children's room split into two as the kids sharing really need their own space.

I am so stretched time and work-wise and so feeling the pressure (as is my husband, who is also in pain and suffering), that I admit to having a wobble yesterday afternoon and shedding a few tears when my vacuum stopped for the umpteenth time.

But God spoke to me at church this morning (the service was brilliant, I shall share more about it next time) and all I can do is praise Him, believing He is good all the time and real help will appear just as I need it.

I had to lead the prayers in church today. I felt God say He wanted to reignite hope in people's hearts this advent (the period leading up to Christmas), hope for difficult things and maybe dreams long given up on and put away. He also wanted to encourage us to believe, not just as we prayed this morning, but to keep on believing in the days ahead, even when things look dark and hopeless. For He will come through, and all that we pray in accordance with His will He hears and promises to grant those desires. (1 John 5).

I must now swallow my own medicine and keep on believing, keep on trusting, keep on hoping. God is for us, He will bring the victory forth in every situation.

May you know hope and be able to believe in every situation too. Be blessed : )

No Pit Too Deep

Just recently I've had the pleasure of reading two of Corrie ten Boom's books. Corrie was a Dutch lady, who was taken prisoner along with her family, by the Nazis during the second world war for helping Jews escape the Nazis.

Corrie, a spinster, was in her 50s when she was taken prisoner, along with her father (who was in his 80s), her brother and her older sister, Betsie. Two of her nephews were also taken captive.

The story of their wartime experiences is told in 'The Hiding Place' and the sequel, 'Tramp for the Lord' tells of how Corrie travelled the world tirelessly under the Lord's direction, until well into her 80s, to tell people how God loves them.

The books are very moving indeed, and very enlightening. To read of people suffering such hardship, cruelty and evil, really does put the everyday problems I face into perspective. But one thing that really stood out to me were almost the last word's that Betsie ten Boom ever spoke to Corrie, before dying at Ravensbruck. It was God's commission to them - to Corrie - and what spurred Corrie on for so many years after:

"We must go everywhere. We must tell people that no pit is so deep that He is not deeper still. They will believe us, they will listen to us, because we were here."

If you have read previous posts you will know that we had a lot of heartache with my eldest daughter over the last two years. A lovely, Godly girl, she met and fell in love with a boy that was controlling and difficult, to put it mildly. He and his parents made life quite unbearable at times and on several occasions we had to get the Police involved - the problems were that serious, threatening and severe.

We could see it was a spiritual connection and a spiritual issue, but she hated us for trying to split them up and we suffered suicide threats, threats of leaving home and living with his family, and all sorts.

Amongst the mess, praise God, I knew God's peace. I was a little weary of it, and there were some awful times, but I knew the Lord. My husband found it more difficult. But ultimately the hardest thing was that it was so out of our control. We prayed and handed it to the Lord, but for two years it rumbled on with no sign of abatement.

Then suddenly, In late September, I heard that Ian McCormack, a man who had met God whilst dying after being stung many times by box jellyfish, was speaking locally. He had an amazing encounter with God and became a Christian and, like Corrie, has been travelling the world sharing his testimony and God's love ever since. My daughter said she wanted to go and hear him!

I took her, and she was so moved by what he shared that she gave her life back to God. The Holy Spirit moved upon her and she had a real God encounter. There was much crying and God really touched her heart.

I believe at that moment God somehow broke the connection she had had with her boyfriend, for since then she has become much more 'herself' again. The moods, threats, general difficult-ness has gone; it is like a light has been switched on again and she is blossoming.

Since then he has also been in touch with her, said that he had fallen out of love with her and did she give her permission for him to ask another girl out?! Praise God she was not heartbroken, but strangely unmoved and told him that was fine with her. She has also bumped into him and I asked her how that had made her feel - any butterflies or stomach lurch? She replied, "No, I felt nothing. That should tell me something, shouldn't it?"

She says now that she realises that even when you feel intensely for someone, your feelings can change, she just wasn't able to see or perceive that at the time.

But God has intervened, the relationship that was so binding, intense and all-consuming has been broken by the Lord, and with neither side being heartbroken - what a miracle. Two years of difficulty was suddenly over. Though at times the whole thing seemed like a deep pit that threatened to overwhelm us, the fact is, as Betsie said, 'No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still'.

I pray that this real life story of God moving in such a tangible way will encourage you to press on, keep trusting and keep believing. He is with us in the pit. He loves us in the pit. And when the time is right He rescues us from the pit.

Be blessed, especially as we approach Advent and remembering that Once Upon A Time, God Himself made Himself flesh, and came and suffered to save us. May you know Him with you : )

God Will Heal Your Pain: Part 1

Well, so much for aiming to post at least twice a month, if not every week! I can hardly believe it has been so long since I last wrote!

Life has been full and busy. By the time the children went back to school at the start of September, I realised just how run down and unwell I had become. Back to school means back to activities, and some of my children have started some new clubs. So at the moment on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday there are 3 activities after school involving four of us. Thursday 2 activities involving 2 of us. Friday and Saturday 1 activity for 1 person each day, and then church things on a Sunday involving up to 6 of us in two activities. That's a whole heap of running around! But I've prayed over it and feel these things are right, so I have to rely on God to give me the strength I need each day.

Also since I last wrote I have had a minor eye operation on three benign cysts around my eye. It was nothing major, but whilst trying to get back on my feet health-wise, it really took it out of me and was pretty sore for a bit - makes me appreciate the gift of sight.

There's also been getting into studying for learning to preach and lead services, as this is something I have felt the Lord call me to (more of this soon). And doing accounts and tax returns for our business, plus trying to sort out my very, very untidy disorganised house (in response to a word the Lord spoke to me through someone else some time ago, about dealing with the clutter in my life - both internal and external).

So in all of this activity, plus being quite unwell and having times where I become unable to do anything other than sit, rest and slowly get over it, the blog has been a bit sidelined. I am sorry - I love to write and hopefully bring a little encouragement from how God moves in my difficulties, but it simply has not been possible until today. I have actually just come back from the Doctors after another blood test to check something, and need to get on with the accounts, but thought, 'No! I am going to write the blog!'

I'll be honest and say that having such a prolonged period of ill health again has been very challenging to me; it feels as though life is passing me by and my children and husband have had to put up with me being ill and have sometimes had to step in to do what I cannot. I feel at times, like a burden.

 I have been unwell for three years now and have seen no improvement since very early January. When I feel ill, it is not like having the flu. It feels more like I'm being poisoned, if that makes sense. It is horrendous. So as well as resting, and keeping my family ticking over as best I can, I have really been seeking the Lord in some deep times of prayer. I have really cried out to Him. For I know that Jesus died that I might be well. I know God promises health and provision and abundance in the Scriptures to those who love and follow Him. So where is the fruit of those promises in the situations I battle with - not just poor health, but also the financial struggles we have known for years?

It is an age old problem. Where is God when it hurts? Why has He not moved yet?

In my prayers and seeking after God I have felt the following replies:

First of all I feel certain that pain only shields us from an awareness of God's presence, it is not that He is not there, He is - we are just veiled from it for a while. He promised that he would always be with us, and so we must believe that He is. (See Deut 31: 8; Hebrews 13:5; Joshua 1: 5; Deut 31: 6; 1 Chron 28: 20; Matt 28: 20).

Second, I feel assured that He wants to deal with not only our physical pain, but our emotional and internal pain. During this time of seeking I had two dreams about this. In one I awoke with the words of a song I was writing in the dream on my lips: "Just as Autumn follows Summer, and with it comes the rain, so God's love will wash away the pain." I had a picture of something that is water soluable being put out in the rain and slowly melting. In the same way as we allow God's love to wash over our hearts, so He melts all our pain away. I am not there yet, but in the process.

In the second dream to this effect I saw art canvasses being painted with small brushstrokes, so that the canvasses looked like cracked mirrors, with lines going out all over the place. However, when I looked more closely at these canvasses, pictures became clear. One was a picture of a Christmas tree and a lovely Christmas scene. Another was a tree with a garden, with strings of lights in the trees and shrubs.

As I looked at these scenes someone explained to me that as a person feels pain, so a brush stroke is painted on the canvas. The more strokes, the more pain. The canvasses could be 'painted' by an individual, or by families (and presumably other groups too). But over time each would form a beautiful picture.

I guess we all have the potential to paint beautiful pictures, for our mess to become something others would be encouraged to see, if we allow God in and trust Him with it all.

Thirdly I have wrestled with God about my lack of peace in these situations. The illness I have makes me feel so physically unwell that it is incredibly hard to feel any sense of peace within it. Sometimes it feels as though my flesh is crawling and I cannot sit still. How can that be peaceful? But I feel that God would say that real peace comes, not when life is all quiet and peaceful, but when it is quite the opposite. Then when we feel or sense peace, we know it is a supernatural thing.

When at a small church group Monday night I asked for prayer for my health as it has been so poor. I felt very emotional in the asking, really quite desperate. I think when we come to God with such raw emotion like that He really loves to respond in kindness. A scripture had really leapt out to me that we had been reading: '... so your faith and hope are in God.' (1 Peter 1: 21). I felt God assure me that I could still put my faith and hope in Him, He was trustworthy in spite of how things seemed. And as the group prayed for healing, peace and help in all our difficult circumstances, I felt as if something gently moved through me. And since, I feel perhaps a little lighter. I have a greater assurance of God's good intentions and that He's in this mess with me, and I am able to trust Him better. Have I been unwell since Monday? Yes. But I have felt a little better emotionally in it, and in the quieter moments a bit more peaceful.

Fourthly I feel that at the right time He will move and sort this whole mess out - the health issues, the difficult financial issues. After a deep prayer time with my husband about it all I felt God give me Habakukk 2: 3 ('For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not delay.') and 2 Peter 3: 9 ('The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness').

Essentially God's will will be done, and although it looks as though the devil has won so often, it is simply the lion roaring (see 1 Peter 5: 8). A roar may be frightening, but it cannot hurt you. God will not be held up, or delayed. His promises will have the last word on the subject.

I am still journeying on, trying my best to seek God every day for His help and trusting each evening that although not healed today, that healing is surely coming. That financial miracle is surely coming. God has good plans for my family. And so on. But I do know I have learnt things on this journey I would not have learnt had my path been easy. I have compassion that I would not have had, if I had not walked on this more difficult path. And although my journey has been steep at times, and treacherous, I have stumbled and nearly turned back - I am convinced that it is all working to bring me nearer to God, and the view from up here will be awesome when there is a break in the clouds.

I pray for any reading, as I call on God for myself and my family:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15: 13

As always, be blessed : )

Journey Into God's Heart

I can hardly believe that it has been nearly a month since my last post, but my absence can be explained by work, illness and being away last week on holiday.

Here in the UK children get only 5 1/2 weeks off school for the summer. Our business had been busy as part of what we do is gardening, so as you can imagine during the warmer months when everything grows like mad we are in demand. Therefore we'd been very busy leading up to the children's time off school, then the first week the younger ones were at a holiday club, so I continued to work long hours.

Then during my first 'week off' we had a constant stream of their friends over for sleepovers, play dates, etc, which also involved a lot of running around. We also had a wedding to attend. The following week was spent trying to get washing and the house up together enough for us to go away for our week in Cornwall. Needless to say before we went away I was utterly exhausted.

The week in Cornwall was lovely. We saw some wonderful places, spent time on the beach and the children had the opportunity to try new activities with varying degrees of success. We also had much needed 'family time'. But the weather had turned so it was a little chilly, and our 'double' bed was actually not much more than 4 foot wide (1.2 metres) and 5 foot 6 inches (1.6 metres) long. Therefore I became further run down with all the activity and fresh air and didn't sleep at all well. My husband kindly decided to sleep in the lounge so I could get some rest, but sleep was fitful and the last night I didn't sleep at all, so I ended up awake for over 32 hours, which resulted in me feeling dreadful. All in spite of prayer, faith and trusting God.

I have been reading some great books by Jennifer Rees Larcombe, Unexpected Healing and Journey Into God's Heart. She suffered from repeated bouts of a brain disease called encephalitis, which resulted in near death several times and her ending up being disabled. She was eventually healed completely, but it took 8 years, during which her many children grew up with a very poorly, disabled Mum. Then when she was miraculously healed she and her family had to readjust to her being well, but still get over the loss of her not being able to be a hands on Mum when the children really needed it when they were younger. (Oh how I relate to those years 'lost' to illness!)

God has really spoken to me through the books. Mrs Larcombe describes how she had to readjust to being disabled, when she had been very able-bodied before and finally coming to terms with that 'label' and identifying with that group of people. Her difficulties and frustration spoke to me because I realise I have been acting as though I am a completely well person and getting thoroughly frustrated when my body did not live up to expectations. I finally realise and am coming to terms with the fact that I am a person with significant health issues, who cannot expect to function and perform like a 'well' person'. My body simply does not cope as well as others and the long term medical and health issues, although seeing improvements from time to time, are very much still there and have to be handled with both rest and medication. And there are times, like when we arrived home from holiday, when I cannot function at all (I went to bed as soon as we arrived home at 4.50pm, and did not emerge for another 15 hours).

Does that mean that I have set aside hope for healing? No, not at all! In fact I fully believe that I shall be one of the fittest, most well people for miles and miles around. But I am coming to terms with the fact that my appointment with God has not happened yet, and I therefore need to live more carefully within the boundaries of my illness, for when I overstep my capabilities not only I, but my whole family suffers the consequences.

On the road to healing and whilst in the midst of a very difficult time, Mrs Larcombe describes a meeting with God that for her just as miraculous as the sudden and complete healing itself. She was very frustrated with God and got herself into a pickle whilst trying to go for a walk by herself, instead finding herself face down in a mud pool in a field, covered in mud and cow dung:

   "You've turned it all to s**t!" I told God loudly. The more I struggled the deeper I sank, and it seemed to be the same with my problems.
   "This is all your fault!" I added furiously. "You could change everything if only you'd heal me! ... I'm fed up of being trapped inside this body that hurts all the time, my marriage is in ruins, the children are vile and you don't take a blind bit of notice!"
   As I lay there beside myself with rage and frustration, God actually came to me. I didn't 'see' him but the sense of his love all around me was so intense it made me gasp ... I did not hear an audible voice but I felt he wanted me to know that he cared about the awful mess I was in, and he minded. Yet instead of taking it away he wanted me to let him into the middle of it ... I only had to ask and he would come."
                                                                               Journey Into God's Heart, Jennifer Rees Larcombe

As if to confirm that is what the Lord wants I had a dream last night. In it we were supposed to be coming home from being away, but instead of going south back home, I had fallen asleep in the car and awoke to find that we had travelled further north, to a house of someone else who is going through a tough time. I was at first very frustrated, but there we started working on song writing together (in the dream that was my job), and I awoke with a few words from a song we'd written going round in my head:

"Just as surely as Autumn follows Summer, and with it comes the rain, so (God's) love will wash away the pain."

I am certain that I am on the road to healing, in fact it's a little more like a mountainous, rocky path, climbing up to meet God on the summit, just as Moses and Jesus did in the Bible. But in the meantime I have to open up my heart and allow Him into the centre of my pain and difficulty, trusting that His love and His presence will be sufficient for me in the process. And in the meantime I will have to learn to be more patient and endure my limitations with better grace and judgement, and adapt life accordingly, until God chooses to remove them.

God wants me to put my hand in His and not worry about the incoming tide or the storms on the horizon, but to trust His love is more than enough ...

God confirmed this to me through a bookmark I had picked up in church just before we went away. the following photos were taken on holiday:

Energy generating windmills are a common sight in Cornwall ...

Winds, storms and 'difficulties' are transformed into power with the right bit of kit!

 When I was reading one evening on holiday I looked at the bookmark and it was a photo of windmills exactly like those above! I felt God was saying that He knew all about me, where I was going, and in spite of how it seems, He is in control. The scripture on the bookmark read 'God's Spirit fills us with power and self control' 2 Timothy 1: 7. As the Bible says that God Himself is love, and as the Holy Spirit is God, that could be paraphrased to say, 'God's love fills us with power and self control' (even in the midst of my overwhelming weakness). Oh how I need that love, that power and that self-control, so I may be loving and patient (and not grumpy, frustrated, short-tempered and cross, as I am sadly so regularly when feeling so unwell) in my struggles!

Again God has confirmed this to me via a prophetic word on The Elijah List. It's by Ben Peters, posted August 23rd, entitled 'Turning Disappointments Into Greater Favour - A Vision of  New Pathway". Part of it says:
  "Many of God's people today are wondering what's going on. They thought they were on the path of God's choosing for them. But roadblocks have put them on a detour and they are wondering why. For many of them, God has had to do some road repairs to prepare for their more efficient progress. They haven't been rejected or set on the shelf. Instead, they are being given a brief time of rest and refreshing, so they can make much quicker progress on a road that has been repaired and prepared for greater and more glorious Kingdom advancement."


God is indeed transforming me and repairing me for the path he has for me ahead. So I am spending more time with God. Not trying to fix myself or getting angry when I do not seem to be getting better. But just asking for more of His love to overflow me, and give me the grace to endure patiently, as I await further divine intervention and healing.

I will do a further post shortly with some additional holiday snaps I hope will bless you. But apologies for the absence. I pray your summer has been blessed, even if perhaps difficult, and that we all may know more of God's love in our trials, and beyond. Be blessed : )

Dancing in the Dark

Well, after previous posts about how ill my husband and son have been lately I am pleased to be able to say that both are recovering incredibly well.

I was at home all last week to look after my son after his operation, so it was my husband's first week back at work full-time, and by himself too. But praise God apart from some aches and pains which have responded to prayer, he has been well. My son also continues to recover really well - wounds are healing nicely and aches and pains have subsided. The task now is to get his energy levels back up, as after two weeks of not doing too much he is flagging when he tries anything 'normal', like walking the dog around the block. But he will get there.

Me, I was so pleased to have a week 'off' - a week at home anyway. I was thoroughly exhausted after all the hospital visits, and left feeling lethargic and with profound nausea. Each day the nausea has subsided a little more (with a slight hiccup yesterday after eating some Camembert cheese, which my body didn't seem to happy with, although it was yummy at the time), but so far I have lost about a stone (14 pounds) in weight! Not a recommended weight loss diet, and trust me, I am so over nausea now, but I trust it will get better.

However, when the infirmities have improved, the devil decided to start having a go in another way. Things kicked off with my eldest daughter and her crazy boyfriend again. We had thought things were going reasonably well with her and she seemed almost pleasant at times, but then last weekend she announced that actually she still only liked her older brother, she tolerated (at times) her younger brother and sister, and although she loved my husband and I (because she 'had to'), she most certainly did not like us.

She also declared that on her 16th birthday, which is just before Christmas, she is planning to leave home to go and live with him. That would of course give us just about the worst Christmas we have ever had.

Now I suffer with the initial shock when these things are said, but then God seems to fill me with some astounding ability to calm down, look at it objectively and become aware of a deep inner peace and a knowledge that God is in this, that in the long term, no matter how long it takes, everything will be OK. That is God at work in me. It is not because I am somehow special, but because He is loving and because of all the work He's done in me over many, many years (I was such a complete mess years ago - He had to change me, and works on me still : ) ).

But my poor husband suffers so much when she is so hateful. Last Sunday was Father's Day here, but instead of it being a celebration, he was heartbroken. He feels he has lost her and he's been an awful Dad, which is simply not true. But the devil is assailing his mind with lies.

I had to step in when I overheard my husband having a conversation with my daughter in the kitchen. He still believes that if only he could say the right thing he might change her mind, so he was trying really hard to say 'the right thing'. He was sobbing, bless him. There is hardly a more pitiful sound than a lovely, grown man sobbing. I don't mean crying, or shedding a tear, I mean full on, heartbreaking sobbing. It was awful. So I went in and threatened to remove him if he didn't stop upsetting himself.

It was going to be a Father's Day we would always remember for all the wrong reasons. But then over lunch we turned on God TV and Wendy Alec was giving a word about dancing before Father God, even when all seems lost. She spoke about how if we can do that, even if we are heartbroken, that it sends a signal to the enemy to remind him he is defeated.

Then God reassured us through her that those lost dreams, hopes and visions that seem forgotten, those things that cause us such pain, those difficulties that have so wearied us, will all be OK. God is on the case! He has not forgotten us! The dreams will be realised!

It touched my heart because of the belief that God has spoken certain things to me over the years, and even now, some of them 20 years old or older, they all seem impossible and dormant. Yet my spirit leaps and knows that they are around the corner, that they will come to pass.

And my dear husband, who has suffered so much over the years and suffers now terribly with my daughter, was so touched by the Holy Spirit as he heard those words of hope, that tears, Holy Spirit, gentle tears, rolled down his cheeks. It was the rubbish coming out and an overflow of God touching his heart.

I pray that next year on Father's Day we shall look back and remember this year's - not because of the heartbreak, but because it was a turning point.

I choose to believe God's promises over our circumstances and over the weariness of the struggle and the lies of the enemy. That's why I'm choosing to be found 'dancing in the dark'.

As a great Fall Out Boy song says:

"The war is won, before it's begun. Release the doves, surrender now." God has already won, even though it may not seem that way at the moment.

As if to confirm His promise to us of His love, an abundance and of us being brought out into a broad place after such a place of squeezing, this arrived on our doorstep today:

An amazing gift of food and household items from a church, to bless us as they knew we had had a tough time!

We were overwhelmed by this kindness. And a few weeks ago as folk knew our income was down throughout my husband's illness as we're self-employed, £100 was dropped through our door! It is practical love like this, as well as the prayer and emotional support we get from our church family, that shows that God is alive and well today. People are so often the hands and feet of Jesus and these works stand alongside the unexplainable acts we class as miracles - they are just as miraculous!

This week my older brother who lives in Australia is visiting with one of his children. I haven't seen him in nearly 10 years, and never met my nephew. My brother can be very challenging indeed, and certain things about him that are difficult to get your head around have been revealed since his last visit, so I am rather nervous. But yet hopeful, and assured that God is with me and as always will hold my hand, even if it's tricky.

I pray that this week you will know God's presence too and will be blessed : )

I'll finish with some more photos of my bonkers garden:

Another 'triple' flower - a trinity of Narcissus!

A bit muched by slugs this one, but still brings me great hope of an abundance to come.

A supposed 'double' tulip, but so much more than that, and in June too!

A spider lily. There are four on one stem - what a bonkers flower!

The delicate beauty of an alium.