It's OK not to be OK / Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder .... ?

I appreciate my absence has been a long one. About 5 months to be more precise.

It could be that we have had a constant round of building work within the house. It could be Christmas and birthdays. It could be that my laptop broke. There are a million and one stressful things that have kept me from blogging and started to make me feel more ill and go slightly more insane than usual.

I could go on. But the truth of it is, I haven't been coping. A young woman at my church admitted publically recently that she had a breakdown last year. And as part of her recovery she did a music event at our local church to raise money for The Mind and Soul Foundation. A Christian Mental Health charity in the UK.

Then I recently watched a documentary about a new charity set up by TRH Princes William and Harry and Kate. It's called Heads Together. The phrase that kept being repeated is that 'it's OK not to be OK'. And to talk about it.

So here I am. Saying it. I've not been OK.

My parents rejected me. My brothers have rejected me. I have been abused and I can't talk about it. Our church group has shut us out, yet accepted the very person that caused my friends to reject myself and my husband. Great friends have spurned me. I have been diagnosed with an auto immune disease that affects my adrenalin levels, similar to ME/ Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I still have this, plus a knee problem that requires surgery and a wrist problem and migraines that now fall into the chronic category. My husband has pain that can reach 9/10 on a daily basis in his back and leg due to his sciatic nerve having an issue. And as well as the 3 dogs and 4 children we were already coping with, we have now gained a 5th child, because Social Services said it was us, or she had to go back to a volatile, dangerous and abusive situation. We were already struggling financially and having to continue to work (our own business, so no sick pay and a really physical, draining job) through our various health issues. With the 5th child we are unsupported both financially and emotionally.

I have been left with social anxiety and feeling overwhelmed and stressed constantly. My husband is not dissimilar. I cling to Jesus, although I see no change and feel there is no one else to talk to. My husband is hanging by his finger nails. And as for intimacy between us. We are both stressed beyond all recognition so fall into bed unconscious. He would like to be intimate, but I can't. I have such embedded rejection now that needs to be dealt with that I don't feel comfortable being intimate with him. And it breaks my heart, because I know spiritually when we are intimate we become one, we become a team again, and I love him.

So anyways, that's why I've not blogged. I've been busy falling apart. But I am here now, talking about it. And I do believe God will put me/us back together again, piece by piece. I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I'm not OK, but I will be.

I'll be back soon, I promise. But for now I must go as my husband is on the way back from an horrific dentist appointment and he'll need a cuddle. Then, if I can summon the strength I need to email Social Services and Children's Services to try to get the help that we should have been given from the start.

God keeps giving me the promise that He'll meet all my needs. I feel like maybe this is the bottom. Today is day zero. I am praying with all my being, onwards and upwards from here. May God bless you and provide you with all the help you need too.

France

As you may know from previous posts we had the privilege of being able to travel to the beautiful Vendee region of France for two weeks during the summer. It was our first 2 week family holiday in 17 years!

I had pondered many times leading up to the holiday, was it worth the cost? It was so incredibly expensive, and yet we weren't exactly living in luxury and had taken our own vehicle across the Channel on a ferry. But I can honestly say that although the cost concerned me, the rest received was well worth it.

We had some issues, which I shall explain in another post, but I have to say that the Vendee region (half way down the West Coast of France) is beautiful. We had deliciously warm weather, and because they are an hour ahead of us, light until around 9 - 9.30pm every evening.

Normally on a one week holiday you unpack, enjoy a few days of rushing about trying to see the local area or do some activity or another, then think about packing again. With two weeks I'd forgotten how much you completely get to unwind.

Here are a few of the things we got to enjoy:

Grapes larger than a thumb and enormous Swiss chocolate bars!

Such an array of cheese, cured meats and pate!

Pastries from the bakery, cakes from McDonalds (yes McDs in France has a cake stand!!) and addictively yummy biccies

We were treated to a glorious sunset over the local town every evening

 

We ate out a few times, but have to admit the golden arches of McDonalds' did call to the children, and out of curiosity we succumbed. But in France you are waitress served (all self serve in the UK), have a far wider selection of sandwiches and salads, and there is even a cake stand (selling my favourite, mini macaroons, as well as a choice of other cakes, cookies and pies!).

The food and vegetable options in the supermarkets were phenomenal, but in fairness the weather in that region is incredibly dry and warm, with little humidity and mild winters. Also we found driving 450+ miles south from Cherbourg the road links in France are amazing.

Mostly we relaxed as a family, either at the shared pool or at one of the many glorious beaches. We played games together and even our eldest son who really likes his own company and is very reluctant to join in with anything at home, asked to join in!

Gloriously sandy beach - this beach had a warm lagoon that we swam in!

Walking along a boardwalk in the sunshine, just before purchasing ice creams

The black dot is a mad family member body boarding in the great surf

One day when walking along the boardwalk above, enjoying ice creams, listening to a band play in one of the many bars we saw some people coming towards us:

Please excuse the circling, that was my daughter editing the photo she sneaked of them as they passed. You certainly don't expect to meet members of the army when walking along a beach front.

It made us painfully aware of how the people of France have been suffering with terrorist attacks, that it is deemed necessary to have the army patrol anywhere that is full of people enjoying themselves. As adults, and parents, we were shocked. Thankfully my youngest and most sensitive son was simply thrilled to have seen an automatic weapon up close. But we do think more of how the French have also been suffering at the hands of terrorists.

We took the holiday half way through our school summer holidays, but with the children involved in a holiday club, our eldest doing a four week citizenship course (which essentially involves them learning how to live off a budget, learn to cook, have fun and raise money for charity, all government funded - it's called NCS), continued health appointments and work, the summer has flown by and we are now feeling the nip of Autumn very much in the air.

I apologise for the lack of posts. With a Facebook page now set up (if I can figure out how to use it from my mobile I'll be ecstatic!) I should be able to do short posts much more regularly. But I can honestly say, yet again, that I have never had such a time in my life where so much is going on at once, all of which seems so out of my hands. So I am glad for the holiday - we needed it, to re-connect as a family and as a couple. Who knows when we shall have another? And I finally found some decent time for God - He even started me dreaming again and began nudging dreams long laid aside in hope deferred (see Proverbs 13:12).

I hope and pray your summer was blessed and that God starts whispering to your heart of dreams that may be long forgotten. For He is the God of the impossible.

And in my prayers I remember those who have suffered so much in France, and also those now suffering so much in Syria. Has there ever been such a time of this? But perhaps that is why God brought us here, to our positions, for such a time as this (see Esther 4: 14)? Perhaps your dream is just what the world needs right now?

The rest that came with the holiday may have passed, but I pray that we all may be able to walk forward in the rest that comes from God (see Hebrews 4:9 - 11 and also Joyce Meyer's article on God's rest: https://www.joycemeyer.org/articles/ea.aspx?article=living_in_Gods_rest ).

Please do check out my Facebook page (see the post on Facebook, it's my featured post on the right hand side) and follow if you want more timely updates.

With blessings, as always : )

Au Revoir ... for a couple of weeks!

Just a quick post to apologise for yet another far too long absence: I've been unwell, there has been endless end of summer term activities such as my youngest two performing in The Lion King at their school, lots of 'leaver's' events for my youngest son as he leaves his Primary school to move onto Secondary, endless health appointments and Police appointments for ongoing assessments for the children and ongoing court cases and also ... preparing for our first two week holiday and our first holiday abroad in 17 years!!!

Tomorrow we are off to the Vendee region in France! For two weeks! I will actually get to spend some time with my other half and my children, and get some rest!! And there's a swimming pool!

Here's a picture of the beach near where we're going to:

This was just one pic I could find - I'll show you more when I return : )

I hope to be able to do a proper post when I get back (and have unpacked), but I am sorry that I have been AWOL.

There have been some good thins happening though. My eldest daughter has finally been diagnosed with some learning difficulties and some processing problems, which means she should be able to access help in the future with her education and hopefully gain better results in exams. After all, she understands what she is taught but just couldn't seem to be able to get it across in an exam and under pressure.

The diagnosis also means she should get an intermediary that will help her through her court case against her ex boyfriend who was unkind to her (putting it politely). Unfortunately though, that will start when we get back, but on the bright side at least we shall be rested!

Her other court case which involved a man following her and other girls from their college into town and back and making very inappropriate comments has been dropped as he finally pleaded guilty! If he had kept on denying it, it would have had to go to court. However now he has finally admitted it, because he was re-arrested for breaking his bail conditions, he is now in prison and will be out around December/ January time. So it is a great relief to know that we don't have to go through that.

On another positive note we have great things to look forward to. Upon our return we hope to get a new puppy. The children all wanted one for Christmas, but we wanted to wait until it was warmer and until after our holiday. So we shall be busy looking for a little bundle to join our 6 year old black labrador shortly.

And yesterday, after having three computers and two phones with about 20 different log-ons we managed to secure some decent seats for the Harry Potter play in London!!! It is our treat for being married 20 years this year. We shall have a weekend in London, child free! We already had some tickets but they were not very good, so we shall return them. The only down side is that the tickets are for September 2017!! By then we will have been married 21 years, but hey, I hear it's worth the wait.

And shortly we are going to have a child free overnight to ourselves to celebrate this year's anniversary, courtesy of the grandparents, as this year's treat isn't happening until next September!

Life has been the busiest and most ridiculous I have ever known it. But actually, although there have been some low points, God has miraculously sustained us and kept me going with nuggets of encouragement. It's only been little things, like manna, just enough to keep going. But I am really looking forward on holiday getting back in touch with Him properly again too.

And all the time I hear Him gently calling and pulling me into what He created me to do and started speaking to me about approximately 30 years ago, or more! I guess I must be like a good vintage wine or champagne, I get better and more ripe with age (!?). Let's hope so. I am looking forward to see what is ahead ....

But until I return, hopefully with photos to share, au revoir, for now.

And as always, may God bless you richly. I pray for all who may stumble across my humble little blog, that they would really know and experience that God loves them, and that He's moving positively in their lives to get them through whatever they are going through, and that they will come out stronger, better on the other side, and with the ability to help others with what they themselves have learnt. Blessings and love and prayers upon you, always : )

The Bumps Are What You Climb On

I have had a blog post written down and in my head for weeks and weeks now. However circumstances have prevented me posting.

It started with a persistent but manageable headache, which turned into possible viral meningitis. For weeks it had been OK with meds, then suddenly one morning I woke with my head feeling as if it would explode, and if I moved it felt as though my brain was slamming against my skull. Weeks later and rather a lot of sleep and medication, and it slowly subsided.

After that I went straight into meetings and my brother and his family visiting from Australia. With three of my children now undergoing testing for learning and educational difficulties, such as autism and processing disorders (which are really affecting their lives), going through a God directed re-mortgage process to sort our difficult finances (we had really been struggling to buy food and meet needs, as I had had to cut back from work due to all the issues and meetings going on, which has been faith stretching and very difficult) and one of my children going through two court cases – one is a dangerous stalker following her and some other female students when off their college campus, the other a case against an ex boyfriend who treated her appallingly, and no less than 6 different hospital referrals and investigations between us, life and circumstances have been overwhelming me.

I felt constantly ill, exhausted and down. So I turned to God wholeheartedly, as when especially ill with my head I was unable to do little apart from sleep and pray.

God has led me to so much that has helped:

He led me to a book called The Bumps Are What You Climb On by Warren W Wiersbe:

‘I don’t know what you are going through just now, but I know some of the feelings you have, because I have been on a bumpy road myself. You feel like quitting, like giving up. You can’t understand why the road doesn’t get easier, why God doesn’t remove the stones and straighten the path. If God did that, you would never get to the top, because the bumps are what you climb on.’ Page 10

Then from Amy Carmichael’s ‘I Come Quietly to Meet You’:

Amy speaks of a time she was suffering: ‘It began when I read a … word from Psalm 105: 18. Speaking of Joseph: ‘[his] feet they hurt with fetters; he was laid in iron’ (KJV). Curious, I looked up this verse in a Greek translation of the Old Testament, where a commentator rendered a different view of this Scripture: “Joseph’s SOUL entered into iron – entered, whole and entire in its resolve to obey God, into the cruel torture.”’

Amy continued by asking herself if she would lay there merely enduring her pain, asking God to remove it or the grace to endure, or would her ‘soul’ willingly enter into the ‘iron’ of this new circumstance.

I felt through all of this God encourage me, but also challenge me. Would I follow His call to go out into the deep with Him, the unknown. Not reluctantly, but in total surrender? It speaks in the Bible of us joining Jesus in His sufferings (not a popular theme, we’d much rather talk miracles and healing). Was I willing to allow the suffering in my life if, although not necessarily directly from God, He wanted to use it to bring iron into my soul, to strengthen me and to ultimately help me climb higher than I’ve  ever been before? Was I willing to offer myself a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1)? Was I willing to completely surrender to His will? Was I willing to wait for healing so that when it came it brought encouragement, hope and faith to as many as possible?

I have been through so much in my life, so many difficulties and hardships (some of which have been appalling) and I have considered and even attempted suicide (many, many years ago). But I have never known a time such as this when the storm, and the difficulties and everything has been so hard and so really, really relentless.

Each time I meet the Police to do with my child’s cases and it becomes a reality again, I cry. When my husband faced cancer, just this past week, I had to surrender my best friend to the Lord (although praise God I did have peace). When I hear of how my two sons deal with autism and profound difficulties daily, I have wept. When my body continues to fall, suffer and be in pain and I am so exhausted I cannot speak, or think or even maintain a decent mood I have literally staggered and crawled before God’s throne in utter despair.

But in my seeking Him out in my pain, I have come to believe there is a higher purpose. And I have finally come to a point where I have surrendered, and continue to surrender, my ALL to Him. I have lain myself on the altar and said ‘Thy will, not mine. Whatever is necessary.’

Listening to praise has helped. And I am finally learning that the best way forward is to make the Holy Spirit, the Father and Jesus your best friend. I now pray as often as I can, Holy Spirit fill me, guide me, God may I work in your strength and not my own.

The Lord is our potter (Isaiah 64: 8). We are His clay. Sometimes the clay needs to be mashed together again, taken apart, mashed again, moulded with heat and pressure. And when finally just right baked in a kiln at a thousand degrees. But in the end His results are always something beautiful and perfect for the use for which it is required.

I am still currently experiencing ill health and exhaustion. All the problems are still there. And my husband and I are so tired and frazzled we barely communicate, and when we do it’s not always that well! However, I can now honestly say, and try to say daily:

Lord, I am yours, a living sacrifice. Do with me as You will. I surrender myself to join with the Lord in His sufferings, trusting that you know best and that you work all things together for the good of those who love you (Romans 8: 28), and that one day I will be something beautiful and useful in your Kingdom. That I shall have, in your time, beauty for ashes. Even if that time is after I’m passed away, and with you in Heaven.

Yes, that means you too : )

Pearls in the Making

Well, it's nearly midnight and instead of winding down or being in bed, I am sat at the dining room table typing this post, whilst listening to my husband watching some dreadful rubbish on TV in the living room next door. I wanted to be in there watching TV, alone, with a cup of tea (and perhaps a valium) to wind down, but he refuses to budge even though he has to get up way earlier than I do tomorrow.

Why is this happening, you may ask? It's because we've had an enormous row. And I don't want to be near him, and he doesn't want to talk to me and is probably enjoying to a certain degree that he got to the TV first.

The argument subject changes, but the problem is always the same. I say something or make a decision he doesn't understand. I try to explain it and he doesn't get it. So I try to explain it again. He has lost interest. Sometimes, like tonight, after he's raised his tone of voice several octaves, he says that he's sorry and can we just put it to one side now. But throughout he won't let me finish a sentence, buts in, says he's got it and talks over me. Tonight I challenged him after a rather fake sounding apology, and he confessed yes, he hadn't meant it at all, he actually thought it was my fault!

The disagreement was over allowing my eldest daughter to walk home after a church meeting by herself late in the evening. It would be daylight still, granted. However she has not one, but two court cases going on at the moment. One about a guy following her and her friends from college into town and back again, making threatening and suggestive comments and basically stalking them, we think to see if he could get one alone and potentially assault them. And another about an ex-boyfriend that abused her.

And then there's the small fact that I was also sexually abused as a child. So yes, I'm a little touchy about her safety right now.

But I feel the real problem is the devil knows I have a real weak spot when it comes to feeling like I'm not being listened to, or being talked over. I grew up in a house where my Mum was mostly out and is one of the un-mumsiest people you could meet. I have never felt that she's been interested in me, because she is so wounded and bitter herself. And my Dad, well he and I could be in a room together and I could be talking to him, and I'd ask him a question and he'd say 'Are you talking to me?' He too was completely disinterested in me.And abused me.

When younger and leaving Junior school there was an award ceremony and I came home with prizes in at least 6 different subjects. I was so keen to get home to show off how well I'd done, in the hope that I'd make them proud. I always sought to do well in the hope of gaining some sense that they were proud of, or pleased with, me. My parents response was to ask who'd I'd taken the awards off and that I'd better give them back.

My brothers too have both told me how worthless and useless I am, many times over the years.

Growing up in that environment was not healthy and certainly does not lead to a healthy self image, or feeling of self worth. Instead I often feel like a non-person, not worth listening to, literally an in-valid.

So, when my husband doesn't listen, actually refuses to listen and tries to shut me down, it really hurts. Do I have a chip on my shoulder? No, more like a gaping wound in my heart. Is God working on it? Yes. Is it fixed yet? No.

But loved this:

             and ...    

My goal is to be able to be in that situation and not get sad, or angry, because God has so healed me in that area that I can completely back down, not care what my husband is saying or doing, and not allow the situation to penetrate my peace. I recognise I cannot change my husband, I can only be responsible for how I react to what is going on around me (and I recognise that I do not always react that well in that situation). And in the meantime pray for God to change me, to heal me, and help me to walk in forgiveness to those he's placed around me, who hurt me (mostly without meaning to).

My goal! From Good, Good Father by Chris Tomlin

That is how pearls are made. A bit of sand or grit somehow makes it way into an oyster. It is an unwanted irritant that remains for some time, and the oyster keeps coating it, until it doesn't irritate or offend any more, but it has become something beautiful.

I can only hope that one day, from these pointless arguments that the devil helps arrange, but God allows (for our benefit, to work on some flaw or irritant), something beautiful will one day, somehow, appear.

Since the argument I've had the song 'Good, Good Father' by Chris Tomlin in my head. I think God is reminding me that He is a good, good parent. He is not like my parents. When I need to talk He is always there and He rarely, if ever, interrupts. And unlike His imperfect human counterparts, as the song says, He is perfect in all of His ways.

 

The storm is calming. Husband has vacated the lounge so I can watch my detective drama in peace and stay away until he is asleep. Could I talk to him? Yes. But honestly, I don't feel it will do anything but make it worse, and this way I can be really immature and demonstrate just how annoyed I am by refusing to go to bed with him. (Good job we don't have a spare room - one of us would often be in it! This way we have to resolve arguments!) Tomorrow will hopefully be a bit better. And the day after that a bit better again. Hope so. Until we're talking again, I have God for company.

Hoping I'm not the only one with trigger points and pointless arguments! Praying my soul bearing may help you in some way. And of course, hope you are blessed : )

Healed By Love

My whole life I have struggled with rejection, and with the whole concept of God's love for me.

Yes, I knew logically that the Bible said that God loved me, and that He proved that by sending His son Jesus, to die so that I may be saved (see John 3:16). I knew it in my head, but I couldn't feel it in my heart, and to be honest I struggled to believe it.

For a long time I have been really struggling in my health. The symptoms have caused Doctors to suspect that I had a heart attack. Then they thought I had an imbalance of chemicals in my brain, caused by cancerous tumours. To manage my symptoms I have been given a concoction of medicines, and I have found ways to 'manage', but not thrive, on them and at times in the past few years my quality of life has been non-existent or very poor.

There were months that I felt so nauseous I couldn't eat and lost a lot of weight. I couldn't function. I couldn't get off the sofa. Some days I couldn't get out of bed. And my family lost me for a long time.

No, that's not me. I spent most of my sofa years in PJs looking grim.

Slowly but surely over the past four years since I first got really sick, I have recovered little by little, through prayer. The first improvement probably took about 6-12 months to happen, then another 6 months and so on. It wasn't fast, or pretty, or astonishing. It was slow, miserable (although I was grateful for each small improvement), and didn't help affirm any feelings of love!

But as time has gone on and I have read more through the Bible and about God's healing power, I have made more progress. God took me through a whole process where rubbish from my past was dealt with (it was abuse, and it's not 100% done, but honestly very good considering), with the support of some Godly friends.

At each level of healing I have pushed for more. I have been grateful, but I've always known there is more. In fact I became convinced that as a born-again believing child of God it was my birthright to be 100% well, and under the Holy Spirit's prompting I have set out to check if this is true.

I've been working my way through Derek Prince's book 'Bought With The Blood' which details clearly all the exchanges that took place when Jesus died on the cross for me. He took my guilt, I was forgiven. He took my poverty that I might know abundance. He took my sicknesses and pains, that I might be healed. And so on.

I've also been reading Destined for the Throne by Paul E. Billheimer. It's about why God created us and the universe, and our birthright once we believe upon Jesus' sacrifice for us. Billy Graham wrote the Foreword.

Both books are very old, both very easy to read and understand. And both are having an incredible impact on me.

The biggest leap has been once learning of something that the Bible says I have, actually believing it is mine. For example, the Bible says we are healed because of Jesus' sacrifice. Yet my circumstances say I'm not. So I tell the circumstances to go in the name of Jesus (speaking to the mountain - see Mark 11:23), then I believe I have what I've asked for (Mark 11:24), then I wait for God to bring it to pass.

That's the hard bit, waiting for it to come to pass. But once you know the Bible a little, it's knowing that it is already so in the spiritual realms, you're just waiting for the physical realms to catch up.

Since acting in this way (with many a doubting wobble) I have seen huge improvements in my health. I am working a very physically demanding job (gardening, painting and decorating, etc) 3 - 4 days a week, long days - and although I hate getting hot, I am even working through the abnormal heat the UK has been experiencing lately and have worked on the two hottest days of the year. I am also doing more days at home doing accounts and paperwork, I do all the housework and cooking, and now that my husband works longer hours I am doing most of the running around of my four children. Both my husband and I are able to keep going from early in the morning until late at night, through health conditions, with good energy levels and (mostly) good temper, because of God and His promises. 

This promise spoken almost daily has really helped : )

But the biggest pay-off, which has come largely as a result of starting to understand exactly what God has done for us through Jesus, the love that the Bible talks of (but is sadly not so often talked about in churches), is starting to filter through. And it is making all the difference.

Once you know you are loved, and you have the biggest, most generous Dad in the world, who promises to always provide for you and love you no matter what you do or say, life seems just that bit easier.

I am not there yet. My health still wobbles. Even this past week I have been tested for six or seven different types of cancer. And in order to do the testing I had to come off all medication for 3 weeks - a very daunting and at times very difficult prospect. But do you know what? I had peace about the results. I wasn't even the slightest bit worried. That was a supernatural thing, because I naturally have a tendency to try to solve a problem, and if I can't I'll worry the whatsit out of it.

But as His love drips down into my soul, I feel my shoulders sag slightly less, I feel my load lifting little by little, and do you know what? I have started to feel joy  - and until I felt that, I hadn't even known it was missing. And joy really does make a huge difference.

How very true this is!

I'm still on a journey. My health may go a bit wonky. But I'm starting to know my rights now and what I have access to through Jesus, and I'm feeling less scared.

"For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father." Romans 8: 15.

I pray that my journey may give you hope for yours. I'm not there yet, probably won't be until I die and see Him 'face to face'. But things are so much better and the future's looking bright.

I'll be back soon, I promise! Praying God's love and joy will be blessing you : )

Mountain Moving Faith

I can hardly believe it has been nearly two months since I last posted! My absence has been unintentional, but necessary.

There has been much going on these past months. I have had some difficult issues to deal with. Life has been ridiculously busy. And health has been, let's just say, 'challenging'.

I shall tackle these issues in three posts, hopefully fairly close together. But I shall start with health.

If you've read my blog before you'll know I have had some difficult health problems for nearly four years now. Looking back I can see I am significantly better than I was, and can cope with so much more. However I am still very far from what I would consider 'well' or 'normal'.

A friend recently encouraged me from his own experiences. He'd had a back problem with lots of pain troubling him, yet he needed to be well for work. He saw Andrew Wommack on TV, preaching on Mark 11: 23:

"Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them."

Be gone, mountain!

He said he'd repented of losing hope in certain areas and not believing this scripture and started to claim promises from the Bible out loud - promises of healing and well being. He said it took about 5 days of constant praying and telling the pain to go, and then it lifted!

This is the fulfilment of Mark 4: 26 - 29:

The Parable of the Growing Seed

26He also said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. 27Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. 28All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head. 29As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.”

We sow God's word in the form of speaking His promises, faith grows (often without us knowing), then suddenly faith arises and we know we have what we asked for (Hebrews 11:1) and then the actual thing itself arrives.

I was so encouraged, as I had been stuck in the doldrums, having really lost faith in being fully well. I realised that I had been through such a prolonged rough spell, and been unwell for so long, that I'd lost hope. My friend's testimony gave me back enough hope to try again.

So I spoke the promises, faith arose and I started to feel really well at times. Just momentary glimpses, but better than I'd felt for a really long while. Then the devil does what he does best and had a go. First life crashed in. Appointments with the kids came up in a flurry: dentist, orthodontist, opticians, school meetings etc. Simultaneously work increased a lot. And it is hard, physical work that really tests your muscles and stamina.

I did really well for a bit, better than I'd ever have coped over these past years and was amazed. But it's like I hit a wall and suddenly my body crashed.

Then the Dr called and hit me with a big blow. I've been waiting to see a specialist about my condition, but before they see me they want to perform tests. In order to do the test they've asked me to come off medication that really helps sustain me, for two weeks prior to testing and for a week during.

Normally this might be feasible, with a lot of Divine help, but after hitting a brick wall and feeling really dreadful (yet still having to look after the family and work), it's almost impossible. 

I tried to honour the request and came off the meds for a week. I had no sleep for two nights and had to miss work, all due to dreadful symptoms and illness, which could have been managed by the meds.

So I'm between a rock and a hard place now. If I take the meds, I function but cannot get to the bottom of what's wrong. If I don't take the meds, I lose a huge amount of income (as if I don't work I don't get paid - the joy of self-employment), upset customers and can't function.

So I'm back to square one now. Back to trying to drag up hope once more, and pray that in time that will develop into faith. Back to dealing with impossible situations, when all I want to do is sit on the sofa and eat chocolate or lie in bed and wait to feel better. But I understand that 'impossible' God speciality.

So forgive my absence. I simply haven't been able to write as I've felt so rubbish. Here's to a better month ahead - watch this space!

I pray you will be blessed, and you too will see your mountains moved : )

God's Timing

I wrote in a previous post about an awesome service we'd had at our church at the end of November.

The guy who was preaching (David Holden) had been prayed for by Ian McCormack, who is very well known in the Christian community as he was not a Christian, was stung by box jellyfish about 6 times, and died as a result. During that experience Jesus appeared to him, he was saved, and was literally resurrected. Since then he's travelled the world sharing God's love with people.

I'd met Ian again recently as he was pivotal in my troubled teen's life turning around again and God working miracles in a very difficult situation. He is a lovely, Godly, inspiring man.

David Holden was prayed for by Ian many years ago, and after prayer fell to the floor under the power of God and felt a strange sensation in his arms and hands. When he could finally get up off the floor again, he discovered he could paint, having had no artistic tendencies previously. You can see his art at his website:

http://www.cuckfieldgallery.com/gallery.asp

Have a look, his pictures are beautiful. I can't really copy them here as I'd probably be done for copyright!

Anyway, David is a wonderful prophetic man. He took the time to pray with quite a number of us at my church, myself and my husband included. The Holy Spirit really poured out on dry and thirsty ground. My husband and I had really been waiting on God, for Him to confirm things He'd spoken over us and promises He'd given for us for our lives. After months of waiting, David (without knowing what God had said to us at all), said he felt God saying certain things about us ... and he went on to confirm many of the things God had said over the years.

However he also spoke two very specific things to me.

First of all, during the service, he had some words of knowledge. These are when God gives very specific information to someone about someone else. It could be about a situation, guidance or wisdom, or something like 'I believe God is saying someone here has a painful knee/arm/another specific medical diagnosis and that if they come forward for prayer God will heal them'.

David had some very specific words, even naming the people involved (nothing embarrassing, God's not like that!). But for me, I had felt God give me assurances about finances and other situations. However I've always wanted to know 'when'. Over the years I've learnt to trust and let go of 'when', and practise patience. I went to church thinking God will tell me anything, apart from 'when'.

God's word to me through David was: You have been waiting on God for certain things for a long time. God would say to you, the time is NOW!

The overwhelming sense of relief made me cry!

Another word God spoke to me through David was: Like Esther, you are here 'for such a time as this'.

I did not know at that point how very true those words would prove to be .....

I will share why later this week.

I hope and pray that you will know God at work in your own lives and situations, and as always be blessed : )

No Pit Too Deep

Just recently I've had the pleasure of reading two of Corrie ten Boom's books. Corrie was a Dutch lady, who was taken prisoner along with her family, by the Nazis during the second world war for helping Jews escape the Nazis.

Corrie, a spinster, was in her 50s when she was taken prisoner, along with her father (who was in his 80s), her brother and her older sister, Betsie. Two of her nephews were also taken captive.

The story of their wartime experiences is told in 'The Hiding Place' and the sequel, 'Tramp for the Lord' tells of how Corrie travelled the world tirelessly under the Lord's direction, until well into her 80s, to tell people how God loves them.

The books are very moving indeed, and very enlightening. To read of people suffering such hardship, cruelty and evil, really does put the everyday problems I face into perspective. But one thing that really stood out to me were almost the last word's that Betsie ten Boom ever spoke to Corrie, before dying at Ravensbruck. It was God's commission to them - to Corrie - and what spurred Corrie on for so many years after:

"We must go everywhere. We must tell people that no pit is so deep that He is not deeper still. They will believe us, they will listen to us, because we were here."

If you have read previous posts you will know that we had a lot of heartache with my eldest daughter over the last two years. A lovely, Godly girl, she met and fell in love with a boy that was controlling and difficult, to put it mildly. He and his parents made life quite unbearable at times and on several occasions we had to get the Police involved - the problems were that serious, threatening and severe.

We could see it was a spiritual connection and a spiritual issue, but she hated us for trying to split them up and we suffered suicide threats, threats of leaving home and living with his family, and all sorts.

Amongst the mess, praise God, I knew God's peace. I was a little weary of it, and there were some awful times, but I knew the Lord. My husband found it more difficult. But ultimately the hardest thing was that it was so out of our control. We prayed and handed it to the Lord, but for two years it rumbled on with no sign of abatement.

Then suddenly, In late September, I heard that Ian McCormack, a man who had met God whilst dying after being stung many times by box jellyfish, was speaking locally. He had an amazing encounter with God and became a Christian and, like Corrie, has been travelling the world sharing his testimony and God's love ever since. My daughter said she wanted to go and hear him!

I took her, and she was so moved by what he shared that she gave her life back to God. The Holy Spirit moved upon her and she had a real God encounter. There was much crying and God really touched her heart.

I believe at that moment God somehow broke the connection she had had with her boyfriend, for since then she has become much more 'herself' again. The moods, threats, general difficult-ness has gone; it is like a light has been switched on again and she is blossoming.

Since then he has also been in touch with her, said that he had fallen out of love with her and did she give her permission for him to ask another girl out?! Praise God she was not heartbroken, but strangely unmoved and told him that was fine with her. She has also bumped into him and I asked her how that had made her feel - any butterflies or stomach lurch? She replied, "No, I felt nothing. That should tell me something, shouldn't it?"

She says now that she realises that even when you feel intensely for someone, your feelings can change, she just wasn't able to see or perceive that at the time.

But God has intervened, the relationship that was so binding, intense and all-consuming has been broken by the Lord, and with neither side being heartbroken - what a miracle. Two years of difficulty was suddenly over. Though at times the whole thing seemed like a deep pit that threatened to overwhelm us, the fact is, as Betsie said, 'No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still'.

I pray that this real life story of God moving in such a tangible way will encourage you to press on, keep trusting and keep believing. He is with us in the pit. He loves us in the pit. And when the time is right He rescues us from the pit.

Be blessed, especially as we approach Advent and remembering that Once Upon A Time, God Himself made Himself flesh, and came and suffered to save us. May you know Him with you : )

God Will Heal Your Pain Part 2

Well, better late than never!

The past month has seen: business accounts and tax returns completed, personal tax returns done, my birthday, my first tutorial and the start of studying for training to become a preacher (it took a while to get into it, I could hear the cogs in my brain squealing as they started up after many years of child-rearing and non-study time!), working hard to get some very essential jobs done on the house, my eldest son has had issues at school and we've had to look into whether he should move school and my eldest daughter had an operation. Plus everyone had to be fed, bills had to be paid and housework and work had to be done!

I'm aware I start many posts with a list of why I've been too busy to blog, and I'm sorry about that. I think on the whole these past 6 months or so I had become increasingly weary of the endless list of essential things to do, never seeming to be able to get onto the things I felt called to or drawn to, and being continually bogged down by ill health.

I have considered many times perhaps selling our home, as we have enough equity in it to at least clear our debts and make life a little simpler, at least financially. And with less money pressure I felt my health and the pressure on my husband to keep working with a trapped nerve in his back would be reduced. But one day when walking past a potential house we could move to, I felt God say quite clearly:

"You keep looking for an exit, but the only way out is through."

This was emphasised to me again when reading book 2 of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. The main character Katniss is speaking to an old friend of hers:

"I just can't wait for the whole thing to be over," I whisper.
"I know," says Greasy Sae. "But you've got to go through it to get to the end of it."

The ridiculous and sometimes overwhelming busyness, the spectre of debt always at the edge of my vision, the ill health that never seems to go away and sometimes comes screaming back into my life in full force, the long-held God-given dreams that have yet to materialise. All these things over decades of waiting have left me a little weary and battle fatigued. Then, when crying out to the Lord for help or seeing a potential solution, the Lord turns round and says 'there will be no short cuts with this lot, you must go through.'

But even I have to admit that God has spoken to me. And by speaking to me, He has shown me that He is with me in this. He is aware of what I'm going through, how tired I am. He's aware that the temptation to short cut this journey nags at me and it's hard to resist, as I can list so many positive things from relieving the pressure. And by the very fact that He's bothered to speak to me (I am only 1 person of nearly 7 billion on the planet), He's shown that He cares. And if He cares, and if He's aware, then it's reasonable to presume that He's got a plan and all the solutions I need are just a short distance away.

Who knows, maybe by being so grumpy, weary and negative and generally a bit 'doubting', I am actually slowing the whole thing down?

So, as well as being there in acute times of pain, He is there in the long, ongoing, wearying types of pain too. The 'I'm just so tired I don't think I can even cry or speak or lift myself out of this position anymore' type of pain.

I do have a ridiculous amount of pressures in my life right now, but having been assured that to find my answers I must press through, and that the only way to get to the end is to get going, I realise if I'm going to stick on this journey with Him I should work on my attitude. I can work on being more positive, seeing the good, speaking out the Word expecting it to come to pass.

On my birthday I made my husband and dog go on a long walk with me.

We basically walked from where I stood to take the photo, to over the brow of the hill in the distance and a bit beyond. It rained. The camera battery gave up. We lost the dog's lead and had to go back for it. But ... I spent time with my dear husband, I got exercise and I really enjoyed the walk. And looking back on the journey, on the sense of achievement having walked that far, is terrific. In essence, it was worth it. And it was a lovely view.

And I know that ever so quietly and unassumingly, someone else walked with us along the way ... If only I paid more attention to the fact that He's always with me, I might have a more worshipful and thankful attitude in my heart.

May you know Him on your journey, may He lift your weariness, and may He show you the way forward and give you hope. Be blessed : )

God Will Heal Your Pain: Part 1

Well, so much for aiming to post at least twice a month, if not every week! I can hardly believe it has been so long since I last wrote!

Life has been full and busy. By the time the children went back to school at the start of September, I realised just how run down and unwell I had become. Back to school means back to activities, and some of my children have started some new clubs. So at the moment on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday there are 3 activities after school involving four of us. Thursday 2 activities involving 2 of us. Friday and Saturday 1 activity for 1 person each day, and then church things on a Sunday involving up to 6 of us in two activities. That's a whole heap of running around! But I've prayed over it and feel these things are right, so I have to rely on God to give me the strength I need each day.

Also since I last wrote I have had a minor eye operation on three benign cysts around my eye. It was nothing major, but whilst trying to get back on my feet health-wise, it really took it out of me and was pretty sore for a bit - makes me appreciate the gift of sight.

There's also been getting into studying for learning to preach and lead services, as this is something I have felt the Lord call me to (more of this soon). And doing accounts and tax returns for our business, plus trying to sort out my very, very untidy disorganised house (in response to a word the Lord spoke to me through someone else some time ago, about dealing with the clutter in my life - both internal and external).

So in all of this activity, plus being quite unwell and having times where I become unable to do anything other than sit, rest and slowly get over it, the blog has been a bit sidelined. I am sorry - I love to write and hopefully bring a little encouragement from how God moves in my difficulties, but it simply has not been possible until today. I have actually just come back from the Doctors after another blood test to check something, and need to get on with the accounts, but thought, 'No! I am going to write the blog!'

I'll be honest and say that having such a prolonged period of ill health again has been very challenging to me; it feels as though life is passing me by and my children and husband have had to put up with me being ill and have sometimes had to step in to do what I cannot. I feel at times, like a burden.

 I have been unwell for three years now and have seen no improvement since very early January. When I feel ill, it is not like having the flu. It feels more like I'm being poisoned, if that makes sense. It is horrendous. So as well as resting, and keeping my family ticking over as best I can, I have really been seeking the Lord in some deep times of prayer. I have really cried out to Him. For I know that Jesus died that I might be well. I know God promises health and provision and abundance in the Scriptures to those who love and follow Him. So where is the fruit of those promises in the situations I battle with - not just poor health, but also the financial struggles we have known for years?

It is an age old problem. Where is God when it hurts? Why has He not moved yet?

In my prayers and seeking after God I have felt the following replies:

First of all I feel certain that pain only shields us from an awareness of God's presence, it is not that He is not there, He is - we are just veiled from it for a while. He promised that he would always be with us, and so we must believe that He is. (See Deut 31: 8; Hebrews 13:5; Joshua 1: 5; Deut 31: 6; 1 Chron 28: 20; Matt 28: 20).

Second, I feel assured that He wants to deal with not only our physical pain, but our emotional and internal pain. During this time of seeking I had two dreams about this. In one I awoke with the words of a song I was writing in the dream on my lips: "Just as Autumn follows Summer, and with it comes the rain, so God's love will wash away the pain." I had a picture of something that is water soluable being put out in the rain and slowly melting. In the same way as we allow God's love to wash over our hearts, so He melts all our pain away. I am not there yet, but in the process.

In the second dream to this effect I saw art canvasses being painted with small brushstrokes, so that the canvasses looked like cracked mirrors, with lines going out all over the place. However, when I looked more closely at these canvasses, pictures became clear. One was a picture of a Christmas tree and a lovely Christmas scene. Another was a tree with a garden, with strings of lights in the trees and shrubs.

As I looked at these scenes someone explained to me that as a person feels pain, so a brush stroke is painted on the canvas. The more strokes, the more pain. The canvasses could be 'painted' by an individual, or by families (and presumably other groups too). But over time each would form a beautiful picture.

I guess we all have the potential to paint beautiful pictures, for our mess to become something others would be encouraged to see, if we allow God in and trust Him with it all.

Thirdly I have wrestled with God about my lack of peace in these situations. The illness I have makes me feel so physically unwell that it is incredibly hard to feel any sense of peace within it. Sometimes it feels as though my flesh is crawling and I cannot sit still. How can that be peaceful? But I feel that God would say that real peace comes, not when life is all quiet and peaceful, but when it is quite the opposite. Then when we feel or sense peace, we know it is a supernatural thing.

When at a small church group Monday night I asked for prayer for my health as it has been so poor. I felt very emotional in the asking, really quite desperate. I think when we come to God with such raw emotion like that He really loves to respond in kindness. A scripture had really leapt out to me that we had been reading: '... so your faith and hope are in God.' (1 Peter 1: 21). I felt God assure me that I could still put my faith and hope in Him, He was trustworthy in spite of how things seemed. And as the group prayed for healing, peace and help in all our difficult circumstances, I felt as if something gently moved through me. And since, I feel perhaps a little lighter. I have a greater assurance of God's good intentions and that He's in this mess with me, and I am able to trust Him better. Have I been unwell since Monday? Yes. But I have felt a little better emotionally in it, and in the quieter moments a bit more peaceful.

Fourthly I feel that at the right time He will move and sort this whole mess out - the health issues, the difficult financial issues. After a deep prayer time with my husband about it all I felt God give me Habakukk 2: 3 ('For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not delay.') and 2 Peter 3: 9 ('The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness').

Essentially God's will will be done, and although it looks as though the devil has won so often, it is simply the lion roaring (see 1 Peter 5: 8). A roar may be frightening, but it cannot hurt you. God will not be held up, or delayed. His promises will have the last word on the subject.

I am still journeying on, trying my best to seek God every day for His help and trusting each evening that although not healed today, that healing is surely coming. That financial miracle is surely coming. God has good plans for my family. And so on. But I do know I have learnt things on this journey I would not have learnt had my path been easy. I have compassion that I would not have had, if I had not walked on this more difficult path. And although my journey has been steep at times, and treacherous, I have stumbled and nearly turned back - I am convinced that it is all working to bring me nearer to God, and the view from up here will be awesome when there is a break in the clouds.

I pray for any reading, as I call on God for myself and my family:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15: 13

As always, be blessed : )