Well, so much for aiming to post at least twice a month, if not every week! I can hardly believe it has been so long since I last wrote!
Life has been full and busy. By the time the children went back to school at the start of September, I realised just how run down and unwell I had become. Back to school means back to activities, and some of my children have started some new clubs. So at the moment on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday there are 3 activities after school involving four of us. Thursday 2 activities involving 2 of us. Friday and Saturday 1 activity for 1 person each day, and then church things on a Sunday involving up to 6 of us in two activities. That's a whole heap of running around! But I've prayed over it and feel these things are right, so I have to rely on God to give me the strength I need each day.
Also since I last wrote I have had a minor eye operation on three benign cysts around my eye. It was nothing major, but whilst trying to get back on my feet health-wise, it really took it out of me and was pretty sore for a bit - makes me appreciate the gift of sight.
There's also been getting into studying for learning to preach and lead services, as this is something I have felt the Lord call me to (more of this soon). And doing accounts and tax returns for our business, plus trying to sort out my very, very untidy disorganised house (in response to a word the Lord spoke to me through someone else some time ago, about dealing with the clutter in my life - both internal and external).
So in all of this activity, plus being quite unwell and having times where I become unable to do anything other than sit, rest and slowly get over it, the blog has been a bit sidelined. I am sorry - I love to write and hopefully bring a little encouragement from how God moves in my difficulties, but it simply has not been possible until today. I have actually just come back from the Doctors after another blood test to check something, and need to get on with the accounts, but thought, 'No! I am going to write the blog!'
I'll be honest and say that having such a prolonged period of ill health again has been very challenging to me; it feels as though life is passing me by and my children and husband have had to put up with me being ill and have sometimes had to step in to do what I cannot. I feel at times, like a burden.
I have been unwell for three years now and have seen no improvement since very early January. When I feel ill, it is not like having the flu. It feels more like I'm being poisoned, if that makes sense. It is horrendous. So as well as resting, and keeping my family ticking over as best I can, I have really been seeking the Lord in some deep times of prayer. I have really cried out to Him. For I know that Jesus died that I might be well. I know God promises health and provision and abundance in the Scriptures to those who love and follow Him. So where is the fruit of those promises in the situations I battle with - not just poor health, but also the financial struggles we have known for years?
It is an age old problem. Where is God when it hurts? Why has He not moved yet?
In my prayers and seeking after God I have felt the following replies:
First of all I feel certain that pain only shields us from an awareness of God's presence, it is not that He is not there, He is - we are just veiled from it for a while. He promised that he would always be with us, and so we must believe that He is. (See Deut 31: 8; Hebrews 13:5; Joshua 1: 5; Deut 31: 6; 1 Chron 28: 20; Matt 28: 20).
Second, I feel assured that He wants to deal with not only our physical pain, but our emotional and internal pain. During this time of seeking I had two dreams about this. In one I awoke with the words of a song I was writing in the dream on my lips: "Just as Autumn follows Summer, and with it comes the rain, so God's love will wash away the pain." I had a picture of something that is water soluable being put out in the rain and slowly melting. In the same way as we allow God's love to wash over our hearts, so He melts all our pain away. I am not there yet, but in the process.
In the second dream to this effect I saw art canvasses being painted with small brushstrokes, so that the canvasses looked like cracked mirrors, with lines going out all over the place. However, when I looked more closely at these canvasses, pictures became clear. One was a picture of a Christmas tree and a lovely Christmas scene. Another was a tree with a garden, with strings of lights in the trees and shrubs.
As I looked at these scenes someone explained to me that as a person feels pain, so a brush stroke is painted on the canvas. The more strokes, the more pain. The canvasses could be 'painted' by an individual, or by families (and presumably other groups too). But over time each would form a beautiful picture.
I guess we all have the potential to paint beautiful pictures, for our mess to become something others would be encouraged to see, if we allow God in and trust Him with it all.
Thirdly I have wrestled with God about my lack of peace in these situations. The illness I have makes me feel so physically unwell that it is incredibly hard to feel any sense of peace within it. Sometimes it feels as though my flesh is crawling and I cannot sit still. How can that be peaceful? But I feel that God would say that real peace comes, not when life is all quiet and peaceful, but when it is quite the opposite. Then when we feel or sense peace, we know it is a supernatural thing.
When at a small church group Monday night I asked for prayer for my health as it has been so poor. I felt very emotional in the asking, really quite desperate. I think when we come to God with such raw emotion like that He really loves to respond in kindness. A scripture had really leapt out to me that we had been reading: '... so your faith and hope are in God.' (1 Peter 1: 21). I felt God assure me that I could still put my faith and hope in Him, He was trustworthy in spite of how things seemed. And as the group prayed for healing, peace and help in all our difficult circumstances, I felt as if something gently moved through me. And since, I feel perhaps a little lighter. I have a greater assurance of God's good intentions and that He's in this mess with me, and I am able to trust Him better. Have I been unwell since Monday? Yes. But I have felt a little better emotionally in it, and in the quieter moments a bit more peaceful.
Fourthly I feel that at the right time He will move and sort this whole mess out - the health issues, the difficult financial issues. After a deep prayer time with my husband about it all I felt God give me Habakukk 2: 3 ('For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not delay.') and 2 Peter 3: 9 ('The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness').
Essentially God's will will be done, and although it looks as though the devil has won so often, it is simply the lion roaring (see 1 Peter 5: 8). A roar may be frightening, but it cannot hurt you. God will not be held up, or delayed. His promises will have the last word on the subject.
I am still journeying on, trying my best to seek God every day for His help and trusting each evening that although not healed today, that healing is surely coming. That financial miracle is surely coming. God has good plans for my family. And so on. But I do know I have learnt things on this journey I would not have learnt had my path been easy. I have compassion that I would not have had, if I had not walked on this more difficult path. And although my journey has been steep at times, and treacherous, I have stumbled and nearly turned back - I am convinced that it is all working to bring me nearer to God, and the view from up here will be awesome when there is a break in the clouds.
I pray for any reading, as I call on God for myself and my family:
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him,
so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15: 13
As always, be blessed : )
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