It's OK not to be OK / Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder .... ?

I appreciate my absence has been a long one. About 5 months to be more precise.

It could be that we have had a constant round of building work within the house. It could be Christmas and birthdays. It could be that my laptop broke. There are a million and one stressful things that have kept me from blogging and started to make me feel more ill and go slightly more insane than usual.

I could go on. But the truth of it is, I haven't been coping. A young woman at my church admitted publically recently that she had a breakdown last year. And as part of her recovery she did a music event at our local church to raise money for The Mind and Soul Foundation. A Christian Mental Health charity in the UK.

Then I recently watched a documentary about a new charity set up by TRH Princes William and Harry and Kate. It's called Heads Together. The phrase that kept being repeated is that 'it's OK not to be OK'. And to talk about it.

So here I am. Saying it. I've not been OK.

My parents rejected me. My brothers have rejected me. I have been abused and I can't talk about it. Our church group has shut us out, yet accepted the very person that caused my friends to reject myself and my husband. Great friends have spurned me. I have been diagnosed with an auto immune disease that affects my adrenalin levels, similar to ME/ Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I still have this, plus a knee problem that requires surgery and a wrist problem and migraines that now fall into the chronic category. My husband has pain that can reach 9/10 on a daily basis in his back and leg due to his sciatic nerve having an issue. And as well as the 3 dogs and 4 children we were already coping with, we have now gained a 5th child, because Social Services said it was us, or she had to go back to a volatile, dangerous and abusive situation. We were already struggling financially and having to continue to work (our own business, so no sick pay and a really physical, draining job) through our various health issues. With the 5th child we are unsupported both financially and emotionally.

I have been left with social anxiety and feeling overwhelmed and stressed constantly. My husband is not dissimilar. I cling to Jesus, although I see no change and feel there is no one else to talk to. My husband is hanging by his finger nails. And as for intimacy between us. We are both stressed beyond all recognition so fall into bed unconscious. He would like to be intimate, but I can't. I have such embedded rejection now that needs to be dealt with that I don't feel comfortable being intimate with him. And it breaks my heart, because I know spiritually when we are intimate we become one, we become a team again, and I love him.

So anyways, that's why I've not blogged. I've been busy falling apart. But I am here now, talking about it. And I do believe God will put me/us back together again, piece by piece. I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I'm not OK, but I will be.

I'll be back soon, I promise. But for now I must go as my husband is on the way back from an horrific dentist appointment and he'll need a cuddle. Then, if I can summon the strength I need to email Social Services and Children's Services to try to get the help that we should have been given from the start.

God keeps giving me the promise that He'll meet all my needs. I feel like maybe this is the bottom. Today is day zero. I am praying with all my being, onwards and upwards from here. May God bless you and provide you with all the help you need too.

Au Revoir ... for a couple of weeks!

Just a quick post to apologise for yet another far too long absence: I've been unwell, there has been endless end of summer term activities such as my youngest two performing in The Lion King at their school, lots of 'leaver's' events for my youngest son as he leaves his Primary school to move onto Secondary, endless health appointments and Police appointments for ongoing assessments for the children and ongoing court cases and also ... preparing for our first two week holiday and our first holiday abroad in 17 years!!!

Tomorrow we are off to the Vendee region in France! For two weeks! I will actually get to spend some time with my other half and my children, and get some rest!! And there's a swimming pool!

Here's a picture of the beach near where we're going to:

This was just one pic I could find - I'll show you more when I return : )

I hope to be able to do a proper post when I get back (and have unpacked), but I am sorry that I have been AWOL.

There have been some good thins happening though. My eldest daughter has finally been diagnosed with some learning difficulties and some processing problems, which means she should be able to access help in the future with her education and hopefully gain better results in exams. After all, she understands what she is taught but just couldn't seem to be able to get it across in an exam and under pressure.

The diagnosis also means she should get an intermediary that will help her through her court case against her ex boyfriend who was unkind to her (putting it politely). Unfortunately though, that will start when we get back, but on the bright side at least we shall be rested!

Her other court case which involved a man following her and other girls from their college into town and back and making very inappropriate comments has been dropped as he finally pleaded guilty! If he had kept on denying it, it would have had to go to court. However now he has finally admitted it, because he was re-arrested for breaking his bail conditions, he is now in prison and will be out around December/ January time. So it is a great relief to know that we don't have to go through that.

On another positive note we have great things to look forward to. Upon our return we hope to get a new puppy. The children all wanted one for Christmas, but we wanted to wait until it was warmer and until after our holiday. So we shall be busy looking for a little bundle to join our 6 year old black labrador shortly.

And yesterday, after having three computers and two phones with about 20 different log-ons we managed to secure some decent seats for the Harry Potter play in London!!! It is our treat for being married 20 years this year. We shall have a weekend in London, child free! We already had some tickets but they were not very good, so we shall return them. The only down side is that the tickets are for September 2017!! By then we will have been married 21 years, but hey, I hear it's worth the wait.

And shortly we are going to have a child free overnight to ourselves to celebrate this year's anniversary, courtesy of the grandparents, as this year's treat isn't happening until next September!

Life has been the busiest and most ridiculous I have ever known it. But actually, although there have been some low points, God has miraculously sustained us and kept me going with nuggets of encouragement. It's only been little things, like manna, just enough to keep going. But I am really looking forward on holiday getting back in touch with Him properly again too.

And all the time I hear Him gently calling and pulling me into what He created me to do and started speaking to me about approximately 30 years ago, or more! I guess I must be like a good vintage wine or champagne, I get better and more ripe with age (!?). Let's hope so. I am looking forward to see what is ahead ....

But until I return, hopefully with photos to share, au revoir, for now.

And as always, may God bless you richly. I pray for all who may stumble across my humble little blog, that they would really know and experience that God loves them, and that He's moving positively in their lives to get them through whatever they are going through, and that they will come out stronger, better on the other side, and with the ability to help others with what they themselves have learnt. Blessings and love and prayers upon you, always : )

The Bumps Are What You Climb On

I have had a blog post written down and in my head for weeks and weeks now. However circumstances have prevented me posting.

It started with a persistent but manageable headache, which turned into possible viral meningitis. For weeks it had been OK with meds, then suddenly one morning I woke with my head feeling as if it would explode, and if I moved it felt as though my brain was slamming against my skull. Weeks later and rather a lot of sleep and medication, and it slowly subsided.

After that I went straight into meetings and my brother and his family visiting from Australia. With three of my children now undergoing testing for learning and educational difficulties, such as autism and processing disorders (which are really affecting their lives), going through a God directed re-mortgage process to sort our difficult finances (we had really been struggling to buy food and meet needs, as I had had to cut back from work due to all the issues and meetings going on, which has been faith stretching and very difficult) and one of my children going through two court cases – one is a dangerous stalker following her and some other female students when off their college campus, the other a case against an ex boyfriend who treated her appallingly, and no less than 6 different hospital referrals and investigations between us, life and circumstances have been overwhelming me.

I felt constantly ill, exhausted and down. So I turned to God wholeheartedly, as when especially ill with my head I was unable to do little apart from sleep and pray.

God has led me to so much that has helped:

He led me to a book called The Bumps Are What You Climb On by Warren W Wiersbe:

‘I don’t know what you are going through just now, but I know some of the feelings you have, because I have been on a bumpy road myself. You feel like quitting, like giving up. You can’t understand why the road doesn’t get easier, why God doesn’t remove the stones and straighten the path. If God did that, you would never get to the top, because the bumps are what you climb on.’ Page 10

Then from Amy Carmichael’s ‘I Come Quietly to Meet You’:

Amy speaks of a time she was suffering: ‘It began when I read a … word from Psalm 105: 18. Speaking of Joseph: ‘[his] feet they hurt with fetters; he was laid in iron’ (KJV). Curious, I looked up this verse in a Greek translation of the Old Testament, where a commentator rendered a different view of this Scripture: “Joseph’s SOUL entered into iron – entered, whole and entire in its resolve to obey God, into the cruel torture.”’

Amy continued by asking herself if she would lay there merely enduring her pain, asking God to remove it or the grace to endure, or would her ‘soul’ willingly enter into the ‘iron’ of this new circumstance.

I felt through all of this God encourage me, but also challenge me. Would I follow His call to go out into the deep with Him, the unknown. Not reluctantly, but in total surrender? It speaks in the Bible of us joining Jesus in His sufferings (not a popular theme, we’d much rather talk miracles and healing). Was I willing to allow the suffering in my life if, although not necessarily directly from God, He wanted to use it to bring iron into my soul, to strengthen me and to ultimately help me climb higher than I’ve  ever been before? Was I willing to offer myself a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1)? Was I willing to completely surrender to His will? Was I willing to wait for healing so that when it came it brought encouragement, hope and faith to as many as possible?

I have been through so much in my life, so many difficulties and hardships (some of which have been appalling) and I have considered and even attempted suicide (many, many years ago). But I have never known a time such as this when the storm, and the difficulties and everything has been so hard and so really, really relentless.

Each time I meet the Police to do with my child’s cases and it becomes a reality again, I cry. When my husband faced cancer, just this past week, I had to surrender my best friend to the Lord (although praise God I did have peace). When I hear of how my two sons deal with autism and profound difficulties daily, I have wept. When my body continues to fall, suffer and be in pain and I am so exhausted I cannot speak, or think or even maintain a decent mood I have literally staggered and crawled before God’s throne in utter despair.

But in my seeking Him out in my pain, I have come to believe there is a higher purpose. And I have finally come to a point where I have surrendered, and continue to surrender, my ALL to Him. I have lain myself on the altar and said ‘Thy will, not mine. Whatever is necessary.’

Listening to praise has helped. And I am finally learning that the best way forward is to make the Holy Spirit, the Father and Jesus your best friend. I now pray as often as I can, Holy Spirit fill me, guide me, God may I work in your strength and not my own.

The Lord is our potter (Isaiah 64: 8). We are His clay. Sometimes the clay needs to be mashed together again, taken apart, mashed again, moulded with heat and pressure. And when finally just right baked in a kiln at a thousand degrees. But in the end His results are always something beautiful and perfect for the use for which it is required.

I am still currently experiencing ill health and exhaustion. All the problems are still there. And my husband and I are so tired and frazzled we barely communicate, and when we do it’s not always that well! However, I can now honestly say, and try to say daily:

Lord, I am yours, a living sacrifice. Do with me as You will. I surrender myself to join with the Lord in His sufferings, trusting that you know best and that you work all things together for the good of those who love you (Romans 8: 28), and that one day I will be something beautiful and useful in your Kingdom. That I shall have, in your time, beauty for ashes. Even if that time is after I’m passed away, and with you in Heaven.

Yes, that means you too : )

The Day In Between

Between the crucifixion and Christ rising on Easter Sunday, there was the day in between. The day where all seemed hopeless. Their Saviour, their leader, their friend was lost to them – dead. And hope seemed to have died with Him.

That’s where I am. I’m on the day in between.

I last posted in August 2015. I can’t believe it’s been so long and have no idea where the time has gone.

My husband was just undergoing a spinal injection for nerve impingement and pain. It went well and he is just about to undergo another. However many other things have happened between then and now.

We undertook a building project to get a much need extra bedroom for our children. It started well, but the builder, who we thought a friend, let us down very poorly. As did the electrician, a neighbour. We have been left with the work half done but costing twice as much, and we’ve been living in a tip as we wait for the Lord to sort out a way to put it right, both with time and money. The friendship, sadly, was lost.

My two boys are on the autism/ Aspgerger’s spectrum. One will need help as he graduates to big school in September and the other has had serious issues and has needed help and intervention and support for some time. There have been, and still is, serious concerns for his well being and he affects the whole house most profoundly.

My eldest is flunking college. It has just suddenly come to light. I’ve been burning the midnight oil helping, supporting and researching for her. The college think she has a learning disability and needs additional help, which they can’t give. She will need to spend an extra year at college.

My youngest has always had problems with Literacy. She seems to have the same issues as my eldest.

All four of my children need diagnosis, help and support. Our world renowned NHS (National Health Service – supposedly ‘free’ health care to all) is so grossly underfunded that it will not help. I have been asked to write inch thick reports on the children and our family that have taken days and days to do, to try to obtain help. I have been reduced to tears in the Doctors office. I have spent hours and hours and been left in frustration, and now need to remortgage my home to pay for help privately.

And it has come to light one of my children has been the victim of a serious sexual assault and the Police are involved. After being sexually abused as a child myself I’d always prayed, Lord not my children, never my children, please spare them that.

And I’ve (understandably) had to take time off work for all of this since January and to look after children who’ve had flu for the past two weeks, so income has halved, whilst we’re trying to pay our tax and national insurance bills.

You’d think that was enough. But no, the devil really likes to make it pour!

Our neighbours, who are also Christians, are the parents of our best friends. Every few years they kick off about something. For example, a few year ago my husband politely asked if they could stop their daughter’s dog (which lived with them) running up and down our fence line at 6 a.m. every morning as it was waking him up. The response was for the husband to shout at my husband down the phone. Then the daughter (the sister of my friend) and the mother to come round and shouted at me (I didn’t make the complaint, but that didn’t seem to bother them) and tell me I was an awful Christian and a dreadful witness. I did ask them who was I witnessing to exactly, apart from them, who were already Christians? But the sad thing is, each time they kick off over some innocuous thing our friends (their other daughter and son-in-law) won’t speak to us and our friendship weakens. Which is sad. We’ve been mates 25 years and we’re Godparents to each others’ children.

Last week the same barky dog broke through their fence and tried to bite my grocery delivery man. The dog then ran off and I spent half an hour trying to help the Dad find him to no avail. We were told he wouldn’t be staying there any more. But there was no apology, no thanks for helping to look for him even though he was being vicious. I only notice that in hindsight as we didn’t expect it, but it would’ve been nice, or at least polite.

This week, when I opened the door to my grocery order being delivered, the man said ‘Is this your dog? He’s just sank his teeth into my leg.’ It was a bite the size of a fist and the man ended up in hospital. The grocery store said they may never deliver to me again.

I called the Dad to come fetch the dog. The Dad shouted at me. My youngest autistic son was here as he’d been off ill, was in tears. ‘Why did he shout at Mummy and wave his arms at her?’ he asked my husband. ‘Why didn’t he ask the delivery man if he was OK?’ And now our friends won’t talk to us, because they’re upset ad their family is upset.

We understand their upset, that to not know what will happen to your dog (as the Police were involved by the grocery store) is an awful thing. We’ve even expressed how sorry we were for them. But I was told on the phone this morning by our friend, the son-in-law, to ‘be very careful what I do now’ and to ‘watch my step’ as his wife, my friend, is very upset and that if I didn’t tread very carefully I could risk throwing away the friendship entirely.

I pointed out that the way he was putting it, it didn’t sound like a suggestion, but more of a threat. And what was it I am supposed to have done anyway, apart from live in the wrong place?

These past months I feel as if I have been watching things die. There’s been so much stress it’s been hard to keep an effective marriage going (we’re struggling on) and health has been sorely affected. We’ve lost our friendship with the builder and his wife (his behaviour was awful) and we’ve slowly been watching our friendship with our ‘best friends’ die in various ways. I’ve watched my children lose their innocence, through no fault of their own, and struggle with learning problems and difficulties they don’t understand. And I’ve had to speak to the Police far more times than I would like.

I sense deep down in my spirit that this is a pruning. A culling. A letting the ballast go. So that new growth, new friendships, can come, so the Kingdom can grow and we can fly at last. In my spirit I can see that. With my spirit eyes I believe wholeheartedly the future is awesome, that God’s promises will come good at last.

But naturally speaking I am stuck, on the day in between.

“Everything that’s broke, leave it to the breeze … Trying to push this problem up the hill, When it’s just too heavy to hold. Think now’s the time to let it slide…. Just let it be … everything that’s broke, leave it to the breeze, let the ashes fall. Come on, let it go. Just let it be. Why don’t you be you, And I’ll be me?” James Bay, Let It Go

I need to let the ashes fall. I need a moment to mourn the losses, and the pain and the difficulties, of which there have been far too many. I need to release my pain to God. But it may take time.

Then I need to walk in the freedom of being Me. Being who He made me to be, even if that means losing friends who weren’t actually always terribly friendly anyway. And I need to wait, and let Him be the great I AM I believe him to be. Then I will fly, and He will fly with me. And together everything will be put right, as it should be. Together, we will change the world. (And we’ll have more friends : ))

That will come. But for now, I am on the day in between.

'Back' in God's Hands

I write this sat waiting in a hospital room with my husband as he awaits the call to go down to theatre for a spinal injection. He has had huge problems with a bulging disc in his spine and pain for well over a year now, and was so ill with it to begin with that he lost consciousness in hospital and stopped breathing. As his instinct to breathe failed to kick in they had to resuscitate him – not something I ever wish to see again! (Although I felt God reassure me that he would not allow my husband to die, as his life was in God’s hands and God had other plans and good things ahead for him).

It has been a hard journey to get this far, and we are hoping and praying that the injection will do it’s job, stop the pain and we can move forward. But it is scary. Although having the injection should be a good thing, a great thing, it is also a leap of faith. We are losing work time and income (we will need minimum 2 days off). In rare cases it can exacerbate things. And we are entering into a time when my husband’s health is of paramount importance.

My youngest two children, a boy (10 ½) and a girl (9), share a bedroom, and we desperately need to give them their own space, for developmental, gender and tidiness reasons. It’s been a long held dream but impossible until now.

Earlier this year God helped us make a major move forward in our finances, taking steps to break free from debt. We ended up with a certain amount left over which was carefully budgeted for, but everything needed has cost way more than we anticipated, meaning we only have a small amount left to do a major job.

We were due to split their large room into two, which was fairly straightforward. However we needed permission to put in a new window to achieve this. It should have been easy, but our neighbours, our Christian neighbours with whom we are good friends, complained about it. Not to us, but direct to the Council via the Internet. We were hurt and saddened.

As a result we only got permission to put in a bathroom window, not a bedroom window. So the room will still be split, but one of the two new rooms will have to become the bathroom. The existing bathroom will have to be moved to there (and we’ve only just done it up!), a completely new sewer dug, two walls will have to be knocked down, four new walls will have to be built, five rooms will need some plastering and it will cost 2 to 3 times as much.

The prep work we’ve had to do, and still have to do is phenomenal, and my husband and I are both exhausted and cranky. We even managed to have a big old argument yesterday in front of the kids (Oh, the guilt! How cross I got with myself!). But with so much left to do, part of which is digging a rather large, rather long trench by hand for the new sewer, you can understand the faith it takes to let him have his back tampered with today.

Walking out forgiveness, especially when it comes from a friend, is very hard. I’ve also been having a very hard time with my Mum, who has been really hurtful. It’s a story for another day but she finally admitted recently that she holds so much unforgiveness towards me (about things that I don’t even remember and wonder if they really happened) that even if I did everything right (and boy, do I try!) she will probably never be able to see the good but only remember the bad she thinks I’ve done. To hear your own Mum, who you’ve never tried to do anything other than good to, tell you that basically you’re never going to be good enough and she doesn’t really like you, is super hard.

Add into all of this the tiredness that comes with health issues both my husband and I have had/ are having, medications we’re on, extreme busyness, large outgoings with other items, many things breaking unexpectedly, so much work to do and trying to walk in forgiveness, walking in faith has become super, super hard.

But I feel God saying it’s right to go ahead with the work at home, that it will be worth it. To not worry about the money side (ha, ha, big ask! I can’t seem to switch my brain off!).

I feel God say to go ahead and claim the land: ‘I will give you every place where you set your foot …. Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.’ Joshua 1: 3, 9.

‘Go in the strength I have sent you. Am I not sending you?’ Judges 6: 14 (In this passage God was assuring Gideon, who felt very small and incapable, of victory.)

‘By standing firm you will gain life’ Luke 21: 19. (This promise was given directly after verse 16 saying ‘You will be betrayed by parents, brothers, relatives and friends.’ Although it is talking about direct persecution and handing over to the authorities, not arguments about what we may or may not have done or whether you can have the window you want, which are very trifling in comparison (!), it still offers great comfort.)

I apologise this seems like a big moan. I am tired, and God is asking me to stretch that bit further, to go that extra mile with Him, to hang in there just a bit longer. 

And it’s a sheer act of will that is spiritually getting me off my butt and trusting. It’s an act of will that as each negative thought comes in, of which there are multitudes every day, to look to Him. To offer praise instead of a moan. To praise Him for even the opportunity to step out and do these things. To believe when doubt and fear are so ever present.

But I think it is when you finally realise your own smallness, your total weakness and inability to do a thing, that He can suddenly get very big and show His true colours, He can show just what He can do, with what little you have. He doesn’t believe in addition, our God is one of multiplication. (see Luke 9: 10-17: ‘We only have …. They all were satisfied’.)

Once more I step out in blind faith. Once more I believe I will find the rock beneath, and I look forward to sharing just how.

My husband is now in theatre as I finish this entry. He too is in God’s hands.

Be blessed : )  

Holiday and Stonehenge

As promised a post post-holiday : )

We went to Cornwall for a week. A beautiful place, lots to do, gorgeous beaches. The kids rated it 10/10, 10/10, 9/10 and 7/10 (the lowest score was from my 14 year old mildly autistic son who hates going anywhere, so actually a very high score indeed!).

On the way there and back we saw Stonehenge!

 

During the week we went to the beach (where the youngest two tried body-boarding and thoroughly enjoyed it), we went on a speedboat trip around the Padstow / Camel Estuary, we did go-karting, swimming, laser tag (awesome fun, hiding in grass waiting to get shot in the head by my husband or a random teenage boy, all of whom took it very seriously - but my team won anyway - hurrah!), my youngest went horse riding with her Dad, and my eldest had a facial and massage. And my least favourite, but possibly most important activity was Adrenalin Quarry, where we all did the second longest zip wire in the UK. It's 450m long, jumping off a cliff. And I hate heights.

Yes, it is as long and as scary as it looks : o

I felt, after such a long and hard fought battle with fear throughout my illness it was really important that I don't allow fear to hold me back in any way. We had to queue for about 20 minutes, all the while staring at the long drop, then when you're in your harness you have to stand on the cliff edge for several minutes until it's time to go - literally staring into the abyss! But I felt God remind me of a quote I'd been given by a friend some time ago:

"The steps of faith fall on the seeming void, and find the rock beneath"
                                                                         John Greenleaf Whittier - My Soul and I

I did the jump with my youngest son, who again hates new things and gets anxious, but was willing to give it a go (all the family did it in pairs), and do you know what, I screamed all the way down, but with exhiliration, not fear! I actually enjoyed it!! And it is a memory of spending time with my son on that long way down (he really encouraged me) that I will treasure forever.

I was so pleased and had consciously left behind all fear and the past behind me at the top, ready to move forward.

I didn't move forward quite as fast as I'd hoped. First my eldest, who is such a daredevil and loved jumping off a cliff had a minor fear meltdown at go-karting, so I spent time with her praying and encouraged her to give it another go, to not let fear win, which she did and was much happier afterwards. Then I started to feel unwell that evening, couldn't sleep when I went to bed and got up around 1 a.m. with a serious sickness bug. I was up all night. By the end I was so exhausted that I was almost asleep on the loo. But my biggest issue was why? Why, when we'd been so looking forward to holiday and time with the children, and the very much needed time off, would God allow me to be so ill and also let fear/ the devil attack?

I was stuck indoors for two days unable to go out (my husband bravely soldiered on, my eldest was also a little ill the next day too but quickly recovered thankfully), and I have been feeling a bit unwell, a little 'viral' ever since on and off. But it drove me back to God. Admittedly with my many questions: Why would you let me get ill, especially on holiday? It made me question all the breakages we'd had lately: air conditioning in our new van, our satellite TV box broke, our mower (a main piece of machinery in our work and we've been without it for nearly 2 months now, during peak mowing season) our small car acting up and then on holiday, of all places BOTH cameras broke! (Hence the lack of photos from holiday, we have some on our phones but have yet to upload them).

BUT: the illness gave me an opportunity to face my fear of being sick. My eldest son who hates new places and busy-ness got to stay home with me for a day and watch DVDs together and that helped him unwind and enjoy holiday more. I actually got some rest for a change. I lost some weight - not the best weight loss plan, but still worked - and as my appetite for junk food stays at bay now I'm feeling a little lighter and healthier. I got to spend time with the Lord. And I actually got to hear a little from Him too. And He gave me the energy I needed to work three long hot, hard days this week - amazing considering how I'd felt! I should also add that He has given us enough work so that we're booked almost until Christmas now, which is amazing - thank you Lord!

Was it part back-lash from confronting fear? Maybe. But I know my God is bigger than that. I think in all honesty I'd given the devil room to move in my life through over-work, not spending time with God (putting Him first) and then eating too much rubbishy food in the evenings - not feeding my body proper nutrition (I'd particularly over-indulged in cakes, sweets and chocolate that evening).

I have felt God really encourage me to make right decisions on an ongoing basis. Whether this is what I eat, how I spend my time, making time for family and God, or not over-working.

"In order to reap 'right' results in life, you have to do right when you do not feel like it ... We should look to the future, determine what we want to see happen, and then discipline ourselves in order that we may ahve it ...If you discipline yourself now, you can trust that He'll bring you great reward (see Hebrews 12:11"

He has also spoken to me of the great future He has planned for me and my family:

"Whatever you go through God will always be with us .... No matter what you are facing right now, God has a great life planned for you. It includes prosperity and progress in every area of life. It includes great peace, unspeakable joy, and every good thing you can imagine ... Be strong and courageous and never give up, and you will have everything He wants you to have in life."

(All quotes above from Trusting God Day by Day devotional by Joyce Meyer).

We are about to embark on huge renovation work here, involving great financial outlay, time off work and less income. We have huge costs coming up: car repairs, mower repairs, decorating costs after the building work and new furniture, a bus pass for my daughter to get to college (£560!!), a holiday next year, etc. I am believing for so many things, such as a new camera (I love photography and love documenting our lives), certain things for Christmas, (some necessary, some not), a new smaller car somehow, and great forward movement in the calling on my life, the state of our home, more quality time with the family and great movement forward in our finances which need the next move of the Lord.

God's answers:

"Is anything too difficult for the Lord?" Genesis 18:14

"Do not fear, only believe." Mark 5: 36

So holiday was not all we hoped it would be, but the kids had an awesome time, and maybe, in the long run, for us adults it will be more, because of the wisdom we have gained from it.

I pray that all who read this may know God's peace in their lives and His rest, as well as His blessings. We're off out now. It's a gorgeous sunny afternoon, and we're going to take the dog for a walk along a river, and perhaps do a little wading ourselves. At last, some quality family time!

As ever, be blessed : )

Healed By Love

My whole life I have struggled with rejection, and with the whole concept of God's love for me.

Yes, I knew logically that the Bible said that God loved me, and that He proved that by sending His son Jesus, to die so that I may be saved (see John 3:16). I knew it in my head, but I couldn't feel it in my heart, and to be honest I struggled to believe it.

For a long time I have been really struggling in my health. The symptoms have caused Doctors to suspect that I had a heart attack. Then they thought I had an imbalance of chemicals in my brain, caused by cancerous tumours. To manage my symptoms I have been given a concoction of medicines, and I have found ways to 'manage', but not thrive, on them and at times in the past few years my quality of life has been non-existent or very poor.

There were months that I felt so nauseous I couldn't eat and lost a lot of weight. I couldn't function. I couldn't get off the sofa. Some days I couldn't get out of bed. And my family lost me for a long time.

No, that's not me. I spent most of my sofa years in PJs looking grim.

Slowly but surely over the past four years since I first got really sick, I have recovered little by little, through prayer. The first improvement probably took about 6-12 months to happen, then another 6 months and so on. It wasn't fast, or pretty, or astonishing. It was slow, miserable (although I was grateful for each small improvement), and didn't help affirm any feelings of love!

But as time has gone on and I have read more through the Bible and about God's healing power, I have made more progress. God took me through a whole process where rubbish from my past was dealt with (it was abuse, and it's not 100% done, but honestly very good considering), with the support of some Godly friends.

At each level of healing I have pushed for more. I have been grateful, but I've always known there is more. In fact I became convinced that as a born-again believing child of God it was my birthright to be 100% well, and under the Holy Spirit's prompting I have set out to check if this is true.

I've been working my way through Derek Prince's book 'Bought With The Blood' which details clearly all the exchanges that took place when Jesus died on the cross for me. He took my guilt, I was forgiven. He took my poverty that I might know abundance. He took my sicknesses and pains, that I might be healed. And so on.

I've also been reading Destined for the Throne by Paul E. Billheimer. It's about why God created us and the universe, and our birthright once we believe upon Jesus' sacrifice for us. Billy Graham wrote the Foreword.

Both books are very old, both very easy to read and understand. And both are having an incredible impact on me.

The biggest leap has been once learning of something that the Bible says I have, actually believing it is mine. For example, the Bible says we are healed because of Jesus' sacrifice. Yet my circumstances say I'm not. So I tell the circumstances to go in the name of Jesus (speaking to the mountain - see Mark 11:23), then I believe I have what I've asked for (Mark 11:24), then I wait for God to bring it to pass.

That's the hard bit, waiting for it to come to pass. But once you know the Bible a little, it's knowing that it is already so in the spiritual realms, you're just waiting for the physical realms to catch up.

Since acting in this way (with many a doubting wobble) I have seen huge improvements in my health. I am working a very physically demanding job (gardening, painting and decorating, etc) 3 - 4 days a week, long days - and although I hate getting hot, I am even working through the abnormal heat the UK has been experiencing lately and have worked on the two hottest days of the year. I am also doing more days at home doing accounts and paperwork, I do all the housework and cooking, and now that my husband works longer hours I am doing most of the running around of my four children. Both my husband and I are able to keep going from early in the morning until late at night, through health conditions, with good energy levels and (mostly) good temper, because of God and His promises. 

This promise spoken almost daily has really helped : )

But the biggest pay-off, which has come largely as a result of starting to understand exactly what God has done for us through Jesus, the love that the Bible talks of (but is sadly not so often talked about in churches), is starting to filter through. And it is making all the difference.

Once you know you are loved, and you have the biggest, most generous Dad in the world, who promises to always provide for you and love you no matter what you do or say, life seems just that bit easier.

I am not there yet. My health still wobbles. Even this past week I have been tested for six or seven different types of cancer. And in order to do the testing I had to come off all medication for 3 weeks - a very daunting and at times very difficult prospect. But do you know what? I had peace about the results. I wasn't even the slightest bit worried. That was a supernatural thing, because I naturally have a tendency to try to solve a problem, and if I can't I'll worry the whatsit out of it.

But as His love drips down into my soul, I feel my shoulders sag slightly less, I feel my load lifting little by little, and do you know what? I have started to feel joy  - and until I felt that, I hadn't even known it was missing. And joy really does make a huge difference.

How very true this is!

I'm still on a journey. My health may go a bit wonky. But I'm starting to know my rights now and what I have access to through Jesus, and I'm feeling less scared.

"For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father." Romans 8: 15.

I pray that my journey may give you hope for yours. I'm not there yet, probably won't be until I die and see Him 'face to face'. But things are so much better and the future's looking bright.

I'll be back soon, I promise! Praying God's love and joy will be blessing you : )

Mountain Moving Faith

I can hardly believe it has been nearly two months since I last posted! My absence has been unintentional, but necessary.

There has been much going on these past months. I have had some difficult issues to deal with. Life has been ridiculously busy. And health has been, let's just say, 'challenging'.

I shall tackle these issues in three posts, hopefully fairly close together. But I shall start with health.

If you've read my blog before you'll know I have had some difficult health problems for nearly four years now. Looking back I can see I am significantly better than I was, and can cope with so much more. However I am still very far from what I would consider 'well' or 'normal'.

A friend recently encouraged me from his own experiences. He'd had a back problem with lots of pain troubling him, yet he needed to be well for work. He saw Andrew Wommack on TV, preaching on Mark 11: 23:

"Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them."

Be gone, mountain!

He said he'd repented of losing hope in certain areas and not believing this scripture and started to claim promises from the Bible out loud - promises of healing and well being. He said it took about 5 days of constant praying and telling the pain to go, and then it lifted!

This is the fulfilment of Mark 4: 26 - 29:

The Parable of the Growing Seed

26He also said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. 27Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. 28All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head. 29As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.”

We sow God's word in the form of speaking His promises, faith grows (often without us knowing), then suddenly faith arises and we know we have what we asked for (Hebrews 11:1) and then the actual thing itself arrives.

I was so encouraged, as I had been stuck in the doldrums, having really lost faith in being fully well. I realised that I had been through such a prolonged rough spell, and been unwell for so long, that I'd lost hope. My friend's testimony gave me back enough hope to try again.

So I spoke the promises, faith arose and I started to feel really well at times. Just momentary glimpses, but better than I'd felt for a really long while. Then the devil does what he does best and had a go. First life crashed in. Appointments with the kids came up in a flurry: dentist, orthodontist, opticians, school meetings etc. Simultaneously work increased a lot. And it is hard, physical work that really tests your muscles and stamina.

I did really well for a bit, better than I'd ever have coped over these past years and was amazed. But it's like I hit a wall and suddenly my body crashed.

Then the Dr called and hit me with a big blow. I've been waiting to see a specialist about my condition, but before they see me they want to perform tests. In order to do the test they've asked me to come off medication that really helps sustain me, for two weeks prior to testing and for a week during.

Normally this might be feasible, with a lot of Divine help, but after hitting a brick wall and feeling really dreadful (yet still having to look after the family and work), it's almost impossible. 

I tried to honour the request and came off the meds for a week. I had no sleep for two nights and had to miss work, all due to dreadful symptoms and illness, which could have been managed by the meds.

So I'm between a rock and a hard place now. If I take the meds, I function but cannot get to the bottom of what's wrong. If I don't take the meds, I lose a huge amount of income (as if I don't work I don't get paid - the joy of self-employment), upset customers and can't function.

So I'm back to square one now. Back to trying to drag up hope once more, and pray that in time that will develop into faith. Back to dealing with impossible situations, when all I want to do is sit on the sofa and eat chocolate or lie in bed and wait to feel better. But I understand that 'impossible' God speciality.

So forgive my absence. I simply haven't been able to write as I've felt so rubbish. Here's to a better month ahead - watch this space!

I pray you will be blessed, and you too will see your mountains moved : )

Digging Deep - An Encouragement for Easter

I have spent some of my time at work these past few weeks digging. Digging out brambles (the wild blackberry that grows in hedgerows in Britain (and borders and most places you don't want it to!) - not to be confused with the much larger, sweeter blackberry you can buy to plant in your garden), and even the odd tree stump.

Wild blackberries seem to grow everywhere you don't want them to, and they are voracious. Give them an inch and they'll cover your whole garden in no time at all. Getting them out in their entirety, with roots intact, is near impossible, so your best bet is to use a very powerful weedkiller, then remove it when it has shrivelled and died. Or, as I have done, dig deep, work hard and remove as much as you possibly can. Then if/ when the last remnants of roots start to sprout, get out your strong weedkiller and spray!

As for tree stumps, especially a dead one as I had to remove, total root removal is not so important, but lots and lots of digging is required. In both cases the results can be very satisfying!

It may not look much, but it took a long time to dig out and weighed a ton (not literally!)

In recent weeks I have had some rather unpleasant symptoms to do with my illness - some of which was problems with my heart. When feeling unwell, fear tries to creep over me again, as it has throughout the illness. I have had to quote Romans 8: 15 and 2 Timothy 1: 7 a lot! I have also found Haggai 2: 4-5 a great source of comfort. All well worth reading, all about the spirit of fear and how God rescues us.

In addition my husband, who has had profound pain and severe problems with a trapped nerve - he has had this since last May/ June time when he was in hospital with it and nearly died - is really suffering and in a great deal of pain at the moment.

And to top it off my husband and I had a huge argument, over something silly. But it was of atomic proportions : (

All of these things have driven me back to God. Sickness comes from one of three things: unconfessed sin, a soul wound (a hurt that has not been healed) or simply from natural causes. I have spent much time recently praying for wisdom into why we are both unwell, and why we have such big arguments from time to time (we both have trigger points that seem to set us off), so that we can know healing. In essence, I have been digging deep.

As with virulent weeds such as brambles, you really need to deal not just with the bits you can see above the surface (the symptoms), but the roots as well (the causes).

I have no answers as yet. But I know I am drawing nearer to my God, learning more about Him and myself in the process, and He is helping us through these issues. (I am also learning to exercise great patience and build endurance!)

Today is Good Friday. Today is the day we remember that Jesus, in His great love for us, submitted Himself to the Father's will, stretched His arms wide in love on a cross, and died for us sins and our sickness.

Today we remember His death. But it is only two days until we will celebrate the resurrection. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is at work in us, according to the Bible. So as I wait upon the Lord, for wisdom, for answers and for healing, I remember those disciples who also waited in the darkness that the crucifixion brought, who did not understand that the most amazing miracle the world has ever seen was about to happen.

For all those waiting for their miracles this Easter, I encourage you, as I encourage myself, that though it may seem dark now - it may be that a miracle that the world needs to hear about is just around the corner. God doesn't forget His promises and He won't forget you : )

Be blessed this Easter and I pray with all my heart that God would encourage you that the resurrection power lives on, because He loves you : )