The Day In Between

Between the crucifixion and Christ rising on Easter Sunday, there was the day in between. The day where all seemed hopeless. Their Saviour, their leader, their friend was lost to them – dead. And hope seemed to have died with Him.

That’s where I am. I’m on the day in between.

I last posted in August 2015. I can’t believe it’s been so long and have no idea where the time has gone.

My husband was just undergoing a spinal injection for nerve impingement and pain. It went well and he is just about to undergo another. However many other things have happened between then and now.

We undertook a building project to get a much need extra bedroom for our children. It started well, but the builder, who we thought a friend, let us down very poorly. As did the electrician, a neighbour. We have been left with the work half done but costing twice as much, and we’ve been living in a tip as we wait for the Lord to sort out a way to put it right, both with time and money. The friendship, sadly, was lost.

My two boys are on the autism/ Aspgerger’s spectrum. One will need help as he graduates to big school in September and the other has had serious issues and has needed help and intervention and support for some time. There have been, and still is, serious concerns for his well being and he affects the whole house most profoundly.

My eldest is flunking college. It has just suddenly come to light. I’ve been burning the midnight oil helping, supporting and researching for her. The college think she has a learning disability and needs additional help, which they can’t give. She will need to spend an extra year at college.

My youngest has always had problems with Literacy. She seems to have the same issues as my eldest.

All four of my children need diagnosis, help and support. Our world renowned NHS (National Health Service – supposedly ‘free’ health care to all) is so grossly underfunded that it will not help. I have been asked to write inch thick reports on the children and our family that have taken days and days to do, to try to obtain help. I have been reduced to tears in the Doctors office. I have spent hours and hours and been left in frustration, and now need to remortgage my home to pay for help privately.

And it has come to light one of my children has been the victim of a serious sexual assault and the Police are involved. After being sexually abused as a child myself I’d always prayed, Lord not my children, never my children, please spare them that.

And I’ve (understandably) had to take time off work for all of this since January and to look after children who’ve had flu for the past two weeks, so income has halved, whilst we’re trying to pay our tax and national insurance bills.

You’d think that was enough. But no, the devil really likes to make it pour!

Our neighbours, who are also Christians, are the parents of our best friends. Every few years they kick off about something. For example, a few year ago my husband politely asked if they could stop their daughter’s dog (which lived with them) running up and down our fence line at 6 a.m. every morning as it was waking him up. The response was for the husband to shout at my husband down the phone. Then the daughter (the sister of my friend) and the mother to come round and shouted at me (I didn’t make the complaint, but that didn’t seem to bother them) and tell me I was an awful Christian and a dreadful witness. I did ask them who was I witnessing to exactly, apart from them, who were already Christians? But the sad thing is, each time they kick off over some innocuous thing our friends (their other daughter and son-in-law) won’t speak to us and our friendship weakens. Which is sad. We’ve been mates 25 years and we’re Godparents to each others’ children.

Last week the same barky dog broke through their fence and tried to bite my grocery delivery man. The dog then ran off and I spent half an hour trying to help the Dad find him to no avail. We were told he wouldn’t be staying there any more. But there was no apology, no thanks for helping to look for him even though he was being vicious. I only notice that in hindsight as we didn’t expect it, but it would’ve been nice, or at least polite.

This week, when I opened the door to my grocery order being delivered, the man said ‘Is this your dog? He’s just sank his teeth into my leg.’ It was a bite the size of a fist and the man ended up in hospital. The grocery store said they may never deliver to me again.

I called the Dad to come fetch the dog. The Dad shouted at me. My youngest autistic son was here as he’d been off ill, was in tears. ‘Why did he shout at Mummy and wave his arms at her?’ he asked my husband. ‘Why didn’t he ask the delivery man if he was OK?’ And now our friends won’t talk to us, because they’re upset ad their family is upset.

We understand their upset, that to not know what will happen to your dog (as the Police were involved by the grocery store) is an awful thing. We’ve even expressed how sorry we were for them. But I was told on the phone this morning by our friend, the son-in-law, to ‘be very careful what I do now’ and to ‘watch my step’ as his wife, my friend, is very upset and that if I didn’t tread very carefully I could risk throwing away the friendship entirely.

I pointed out that the way he was putting it, it didn’t sound like a suggestion, but more of a threat. And what was it I am supposed to have done anyway, apart from live in the wrong place?

These past months I feel as if I have been watching things die. There’s been so much stress it’s been hard to keep an effective marriage going (we’re struggling on) and health has been sorely affected. We’ve lost our friendship with the builder and his wife (his behaviour was awful) and we’ve slowly been watching our friendship with our ‘best friends’ die in various ways. I’ve watched my children lose their innocence, through no fault of their own, and struggle with learning problems and difficulties they don’t understand. And I’ve had to speak to the Police far more times than I would like.

I sense deep down in my spirit that this is a pruning. A culling. A letting the ballast go. So that new growth, new friendships, can come, so the Kingdom can grow and we can fly at last. In my spirit I can see that. With my spirit eyes I believe wholeheartedly the future is awesome, that God’s promises will come good at last.

But naturally speaking I am stuck, on the day in between.

“Everything that’s broke, leave it to the breeze … Trying to push this problem up the hill, When it’s just too heavy to hold. Think now’s the time to let it slide…. Just let it be … everything that’s broke, leave it to the breeze, let the ashes fall. Come on, let it go. Just let it be. Why don’t you be you, And I’ll be me?” James Bay, Let It Go

I need to let the ashes fall. I need a moment to mourn the losses, and the pain and the difficulties, of which there have been far too many. I need to release my pain to God. But it may take time.

Then I need to walk in the freedom of being Me. Being who He made me to be, even if that means losing friends who weren’t actually always terribly friendly anyway. And I need to wait, and let Him be the great I AM I believe him to be. Then I will fly, and He will fly with me. And together everything will be put right, as it should be. Together, we will change the world. (And we’ll have more friends : ))

That will come. But for now, I am on the day in between.

Shaken by Love

I have a daily devotional book based on the writing's of Hannah Whitall Smith (1832 - 1911). She wrote many, wonderful Christian books that still sell well today.

Last week I read an entry which has helped me tremendously:

"At that time His voice shook the earth, but now He has promised, 'Once more I will shake not only the earth, but also the heavens.' The words 'once more' indicate the removing of what can be shaken - that is, created things - so that what cannot be shaken may remain." Hebrews 12: 26-27

Mrs Smith goes on to explain:

'It may seem to those who do not understand the deepest ways of love that neither trials not hardness could ever come into the lives of God's children. But if we look deeply into the matter, we will see that often love itself must bring the hardness. "The Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone he accepts as a son." (Hebrews 12: 6)
       If love sees those it loves going wrong, it must, because of this very love do what it can to save them; and the love that fails to do this is only selfishness. Therefore, the God of love, when He sees his children resting their souls on things that can be shaken, must necessarily remove those things from their lives in order that they may be driven to rest only on the things that cannot be shaken; and this process of removing is sometimes very hard.'

God has been shaking me these past years. I can see that now. And this shaking process is hard. Very hard.

Years ago, decades ago, God spoke to me about my life and I feel, gave me certain promises certain dreams. I got very excited, and things seemed to progress at one point. But instead of those wonderful promises it feels as though He has slowly dismantled me. Taken me apart, piece by piece. I have been tested, and tried and broken.

But now, at last, I feel I am growing to know Him better. He had to dismantle me, to shake me, to get rid of the rubbish.

'Clear away the clutter ... ' one word said to me, 'then you'll soar like a jet.'

'The crux of the matter is you have to learn to stop relying on your own strength.'

Now I feel He is slowly putting the building blocks in place.

We are about to embark on major home renovations here, to give my four children their own bedrooms for the first time ever. It's a stretch in every way: time, health, strength, finances. But we're getting rid of so much we no longer need or use. And it's paving the way for a better, clutter free future, where we can really start to enjoy our home and I can start to move forward in the calling upon my life.

Gosh, if anyone had ever said how hard this Christian lark would be, I'd have said, no thank you, you can keep that! But I know it'll be worth it. Like at home in the work we're doing: you have to tear down to rebuild. At least now I understand that the tearing down has been done out of love, so I can rely on Him, not on me, for what is ahead. I'm believing that in faith. I'm walking forward in faith. I believe, in faith that He loves Me. And I finally understand that I can accomplish NOTHING without Him.

He is my rock, my life, my all. And in that surrender all that He is comes flooding through.

May you know His strength, His love in your lives, and may the clutter be removed so you can soar. Be blessed : )

Healed By Love

My whole life I have struggled with rejection, and with the whole concept of God's love for me.

Yes, I knew logically that the Bible said that God loved me, and that He proved that by sending His son Jesus, to die so that I may be saved (see John 3:16). I knew it in my head, but I couldn't feel it in my heart, and to be honest I struggled to believe it.

For a long time I have been really struggling in my health. The symptoms have caused Doctors to suspect that I had a heart attack. Then they thought I had an imbalance of chemicals in my brain, caused by cancerous tumours. To manage my symptoms I have been given a concoction of medicines, and I have found ways to 'manage', but not thrive, on them and at times in the past few years my quality of life has been non-existent or very poor.

There were months that I felt so nauseous I couldn't eat and lost a lot of weight. I couldn't function. I couldn't get off the sofa. Some days I couldn't get out of bed. And my family lost me for a long time.

No, that's not me. I spent most of my sofa years in PJs looking grim.

Slowly but surely over the past four years since I first got really sick, I have recovered little by little, through prayer. The first improvement probably took about 6-12 months to happen, then another 6 months and so on. It wasn't fast, or pretty, or astonishing. It was slow, miserable (although I was grateful for each small improvement), and didn't help affirm any feelings of love!

But as time has gone on and I have read more through the Bible and about God's healing power, I have made more progress. God took me through a whole process where rubbish from my past was dealt with (it was abuse, and it's not 100% done, but honestly very good considering), with the support of some Godly friends.

At each level of healing I have pushed for more. I have been grateful, but I've always known there is more. In fact I became convinced that as a born-again believing child of God it was my birthright to be 100% well, and under the Holy Spirit's prompting I have set out to check if this is true.

I've been working my way through Derek Prince's book 'Bought With The Blood' which details clearly all the exchanges that took place when Jesus died on the cross for me. He took my guilt, I was forgiven. He took my poverty that I might know abundance. He took my sicknesses and pains, that I might be healed. And so on.

I've also been reading Destined for the Throne by Paul E. Billheimer. It's about why God created us and the universe, and our birthright once we believe upon Jesus' sacrifice for us. Billy Graham wrote the Foreword.

Both books are very old, both very easy to read and understand. And both are having an incredible impact on me.

The biggest leap has been once learning of something that the Bible says I have, actually believing it is mine. For example, the Bible says we are healed because of Jesus' sacrifice. Yet my circumstances say I'm not. So I tell the circumstances to go in the name of Jesus (speaking to the mountain - see Mark 11:23), then I believe I have what I've asked for (Mark 11:24), then I wait for God to bring it to pass.

That's the hard bit, waiting for it to come to pass. But once you know the Bible a little, it's knowing that it is already so in the spiritual realms, you're just waiting for the physical realms to catch up.

Since acting in this way (with many a doubting wobble) I have seen huge improvements in my health. I am working a very physically demanding job (gardening, painting and decorating, etc) 3 - 4 days a week, long days - and although I hate getting hot, I am even working through the abnormal heat the UK has been experiencing lately and have worked on the two hottest days of the year. I am also doing more days at home doing accounts and paperwork, I do all the housework and cooking, and now that my husband works longer hours I am doing most of the running around of my four children. Both my husband and I are able to keep going from early in the morning until late at night, through health conditions, with good energy levels and (mostly) good temper, because of God and His promises. 

This promise spoken almost daily has really helped : )

But the biggest pay-off, which has come largely as a result of starting to understand exactly what God has done for us through Jesus, the love that the Bible talks of (but is sadly not so often talked about in churches), is starting to filter through. And it is making all the difference.

Once you know you are loved, and you have the biggest, most generous Dad in the world, who promises to always provide for you and love you no matter what you do or say, life seems just that bit easier.

I am not there yet. My health still wobbles. Even this past week I have been tested for six or seven different types of cancer. And in order to do the testing I had to come off all medication for 3 weeks - a very daunting and at times very difficult prospect. But do you know what? I had peace about the results. I wasn't even the slightest bit worried. That was a supernatural thing, because I naturally have a tendency to try to solve a problem, and if I can't I'll worry the whatsit out of it.

But as His love drips down into my soul, I feel my shoulders sag slightly less, I feel my load lifting little by little, and do you know what? I have started to feel joy  - and until I felt that, I hadn't even known it was missing. And joy really does make a huge difference.

How very true this is!

I'm still on a journey. My health may go a bit wonky. But I'm starting to know my rights now and what I have access to through Jesus, and I'm feeling less scared.

"For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father." Romans 8: 15.

I pray that my journey may give you hope for yours. I'm not there yet, probably won't be until I die and see Him 'face to face'. But things are so much better and the future's looking bright.

I'll be back soon, I promise! Praying God's love and joy will be blessing you : )

Mountain Moving Faith

I can hardly believe it has been nearly two months since I last posted! My absence has been unintentional, but necessary.

There has been much going on these past months. I have had some difficult issues to deal with. Life has been ridiculously busy. And health has been, let's just say, 'challenging'.

I shall tackle these issues in three posts, hopefully fairly close together. But I shall start with health.

If you've read my blog before you'll know I have had some difficult health problems for nearly four years now. Looking back I can see I am significantly better than I was, and can cope with so much more. However I am still very far from what I would consider 'well' or 'normal'.

A friend recently encouraged me from his own experiences. He'd had a back problem with lots of pain troubling him, yet he needed to be well for work. He saw Andrew Wommack on TV, preaching on Mark 11: 23:

"Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them."

Be gone, mountain!

He said he'd repented of losing hope in certain areas and not believing this scripture and started to claim promises from the Bible out loud - promises of healing and well being. He said it took about 5 days of constant praying and telling the pain to go, and then it lifted!

This is the fulfilment of Mark 4: 26 - 29:

The Parable of the Growing Seed

26He also said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. 27Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. 28All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head. 29As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.”

We sow God's word in the form of speaking His promises, faith grows (often without us knowing), then suddenly faith arises and we know we have what we asked for (Hebrews 11:1) and then the actual thing itself arrives.

I was so encouraged, as I had been stuck in the doldrums, having really lost faith in being fully well. I realised that I had been through such a prolonged rough spell, and been unwell for so long, that I'd lost hope. My friend's testimony gave me back enough hope to try again.

So I spoke the promises, faith arose and I started to feel really well at times. Just momentary glimpses, but better than I'd felt for a really long while. Then the devil does what he does best and had a go. First life crashed in. Appointments with the kids came up in a flurry: dentist, orthodontist, opticians, school meetings etc. Simultaneously work increased a lot. And it is hard, physical work that really tests your muscles and stamina.

I did really well for a bit, better than I'd ever have coped over these past years and was amazed. But it's like I hit a wall and suddenly my body crashed.

Then the Dr called and hit me with a big blow. I've been waiting to see a specialist about my condition, but before they see me they want to perform tests. In order to do the test they've asked me to come off medication that really helps sustain me, for two weeks prior to testing and for a week during.

Normally this might be feasible, with a lot of Divine help, but after hitting a brick wall and feeling really dreadful (yet still having to look after the family and work), it's almost impossible. 

I tried to honour the request and came off the meds for a week. I had no sleep for two nights and had to miss work, all due to dreadful symptoms and illness, which could have been managed by the meds.

So I'm between a rock and a hard place now. If I take the meds, I function but cannot get to the bottom of what's wrong. If I don't take the meds, I lose a huge amount of income (as if I don't work I don't get paid - the joy of self-employment), upset customers and can't function.

So I'm back to square one now. Back to trying to drag up hope once more, and pray that in time that will develop into faith. Back to dealing with impossible situations, when all I want to do is sit on the sofa and eat chocolate or lie in bed and wait to feel better. But I understand that 'impossible' God speciality.

So forgive my absence. I simply haven't been able to write as I've felt so rubbish. Here's to a better month ahead - watch this space!

I pray you will be blessed, and you too will see your mountains moved : )

Digging Deep - An Encouragement for Easter

I have spent some of my time at work these past few weeks digging. Digging out brambles (the wild blackberry that grows in hedgerows in Britain (and borders and most places you don't want it to!) - not to be confused with the much larger, sweeter blackberry you can buy to plant in your garden), and even the odd tree stump.

Wild blackberries seem to grow everywhere you don't want them to, and they are voracious. Give them an inch and they'll cover your whole garden in no time at all. Getting them out in their entirety, with roots intact, is near impossible, so your best bet is to use a very powerful weedkiller, then remove it when it has shrivelled and died. Or, as I have done, dig deep, work hard and remove as much as you possibly can. Then if/ when the last remnants of roots start to sprout, get out your strong weedkiller and spray!

As for tree stumps, especially a dead one as I had to remove, total root removal is not so important, but lots and lots of digging is required. In both cases the results can be very satisfying!

It may not look much, but it took a long time to dig out and weighed a ton (not literally!)

In recent weeks I have had some rather unpleasant symptoms to do with my illness - some of which was problems with my heart. When feeling unwell, fear tries to creep over me again, as it has throughout the illness. I have had to quote Romans 8: 15 and 2 Timothy 1: 7 a lot! I have also found Haggai 2: 4-5 a great source of comfort. All well worth reading, all about the spirit of fear and how God rescues us.

In addition my husband, who has had profound pain and severe problems with a trapped nerve - he has had this since last May/ June time when he was in hospital with it and nearly died - is really suffering and in a great deal of pain at the moment.

And to top it off my husband and I had a huge argument, over something silly. But it was of atomic proportions : (

All of these things have driven me back to God. Sickness comes from one of three things: unconfessed sin, a soul wound (a hurt that has not been healed) or simply from natural causes. I have spent much time recently praying for wisdom into why we are both unwell, and why we have such big arguments from time to time (we both have trigger points that seem to set us off), so that we can know healing. In essence, I have been digging deep.

As with virulent weeds such as brambles, you really need to deal not just with the bits you can see above the surface (the symptoms), but the roots as well (the causes).

I have no answers as yet. But I know I am drawing nearer to my God, learning more about Him and myself in the process, and He is helping us through these issues. (I am also learning to exercise great patience and build endurance!)

Today is Good Friday. Today is the day we remember that Jesus, in His great love for us, submitted Himself to the Father's will, stretched His arms wide in love on a cross, and died for us sins and our sickness.

Today we remember His death. But it is only two days until we will celebrate the resurrection. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is at work in us, according to the Bible. So as I wait upon the Lord, for wisdom, for answers and for healing, I remember those disciples who also waited in the darkness that the crucifixion brought, who did not understand that the most amazing miracle the world has ever seen was about to happen.

For all those waiting for their miracles this Easter, I encourage you, as I encourage myself, that though it may seem dark now - it may be that a miracle that the world needs to hear about is just around the corner. God doesn't forget His promises and He won't forget you : )

Be blessed this Easter and I pray with all my heart that God would encourage you that the resurrection power lives on, because He loves you : )