Where have I been?

I can hardly believe that it has been over a month since my last post; where has the time gone?

As mentioned in my last entry, straight after posting it my older brother and his son arrived from Australia. It was with much trepidation on all our parts as my brother and his wife have been incredibly challenging in the past, causing great upset and trauma to us and the extended family. He also has a vastly different lifestyle with no TV, no technology and a very strict diet. And for me personally, there were issues there because of some dreadful things that he was the root of, in the past.

However I am pleased to report it was, overall, it was a very successful visit. He was able to reconnect with my younger brother and his wife; that was a real rift that seems to have been smoothed over somewhat. And I can honestly say that with my brother in front of me I was able to look at him and forgive, and let the past go.

The visit, though, did highlight issues with my Mum. Her mobility is really suffering at the moment and she has had huge moments of forgetfulness, so often and so bad that I am starting to question whether it is the start of dementia. She forgot she had offered to provide a picnic, and an evening meal whilst the visit occurred, so it went from us being catered for, for a change, to me suddenly having to produce a picnic and evening meals for 13 people, several times. This meant extra shopping trips and extra cooking going on, around already long days, days out in the sun, clearing up after having everyone round and so on.

I think I had perhaps been a bit foolish about what I was capable of, but as I said some things like the catering were sprung on me, so as we cannot afford to eat out I had no choice but to provide meals. However, after my week off looking after my son after his operation, I'd gone straight back into working, continuing to look after him, long days and evenings spent with my brother and mega catering. Then I went straight back into work again, before my brother was back after touring England, and it was back into a long, hot day out and more food.

I hadn't felt right before going back to work. I had endeavoured to rely on God, and spoke out the scriptures such as 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me'. But I feel I overdid it.

I can say that with some assurance as my brother's last day here, a migraine started. I was prayed for about them some years ago as I used to get awful, crippling ones, but hadn't had any bad ones in several years, just the niggling ones that can go on for a week or more. I guess more like cluster migraines/ headaches as they would stop and start. This one however, only began like that.

I wasn't able to take my normal medication at the start of it, as we were on a trip out to the New Forest, and to take it properly I need to sit down and rest for a bit. I managed it throughout the day with pain relief, and it niggled, but was manageable; it only limited me a little. Then it was home briefly before out to my younger brother's for tea. I took the migraine medication, but again couldn't really sit with it, I had to go out.

The meds didn't shift it, so after struggling through the meal and our last goodbyes, I was eager to get home. I tried another migraine tablet, but it was too late and I think I exacerbated it. Because then the pain really kicked in.

It was like being beaten around the head with a steel bar and wanting to be sick, whilst being tormented and the room spinning, all at once. I ended up on morphine and an anti-emetic (anti-nausea) drug. I couldn't move for about 5 hours, or speak, I just sat on the sofa, in the dark, hugging a bucket. Eventually I crawled up to bed with my eyes shut, and had a really fitful night, still hugging the bucket.

The migraine still niggles even now, 2 1/2 weeks on, with pain, dizziness and nausea. After three days of not being able to move the Dr came out to see me, to prescribe large doses of anti-inflammatories to get on top of the throbbing and the pain, and to check it wasn't anything more sinister. After 5 days I was able to get out of my pyjamas into real clothes, for part of the day. And after about a week I was able to start showering regularly again. But the worst thing is how it has all made me feel.

After believing you have been healed of something, for it to come back in such a sudden, life-stopping way is very emotionally hard. But it wasn't just the pain, or the sickness, it was the fear and torment that came with it. There was definitely a spiritual element to it, and it took me right back to those first, awful days of being unwell 3 years ago. I have had to fight really, really hard to not be afraid, because in that pain and sickness, I couldn't feel my God, but I could feel the presence of evil.

Looking back I think it is hardly surprising that I became so unwell. I went straight from the trauma of my husband being ill and nearly dying, to my son being deathly ill, to a stressful visit from a difficult relative, to stresses and major concerns about my Mum, to being out in the heat for long days (which has never agreed with me since getting sun-stroke as a child), back to my brother, and all the while working really long hours. My body simply went 'caput!'. But I do question, did the fall need to be so hard and so deeply frightening? Do I still need to be suffering? And my husband, who is still having muscular problems, does he still need to be suffering? How, Lord, how, do we slow life down and yet still make ends meet and keep customers happy? Surely there has to be a better way?

The problems all really started as soon as I stepped out to train for preaching, so I am certain there is a great element of spiritual attack involved. I also managed miraculously well in body and mind whilst my husband and son were ill, so perhaps the devil needed to attack me more personally to have a greater effect. And to be honest, to have kept going before, during and since the migraine (as I returned to work this week, working long days in 30 degrees heat and humidity - very difficult for a shade lover such as myself - and there's been something on every evening this week) is miraculous. And the problems have only served to drive me back to God, to ask honest questions and to wait on Him for the answers; to deepen our existing connection, so that when troubling times come again in the future (as they surely will) I will have something deeper and stronger to rely on.

My husband and I have been trying to consistently sit in prayer, with the scriptures, or in quiet as often as possible, with the sole purpose of hearing from Him. We need His heavenly perspective on all these issues and concerns that have happened. We need fresh manna, fresh vision, fresh anointing, for I recognise the enemy's attacks have wearied us some. And slowly He seems to be reaching us, to be whispering.

But that is the reason for my absence: overseas visitors, a busy end of term, and challenging health. As we continue to reach out to Him and seek His comfort and His presence, I will continue to share. I am sure although worn and weary, He will restore and repair, and things will indeed turn around in every way.

Thank you for continuing to read and being patient for the post - the next one will be much quicker! I pray that you and yours will know His presence and, as always, be blessed : )