Yes, I knew logically that the Bible said that God loved me, and that He proved that by sending His son Jesus, to die so that I may be saved (see John 3:16). I knew it in my head, but I couldn't feel it in my heart, and to be honest I struggled to believe it.
For a long time I have been really struggling in my health. The symptoms have caused Doctors to suspect that I had a heart attack. Then they thought I had an imbalance of chemicals in my brain, caused by cancerous tumours. To manage my symptoms I have been given a concoction of medicines, and I have found ways to 'manage', but not thrive, on them and at times in the past few years my quality of life has been non-existent or very poor.
There were months that I felt so nauseous I couldn't eat and lost a lot of weight. I couldn't function. I couldn't get off the sofa. Some days I couldn't get out of bed. And my family lost me for a long time.
| No, that's not me. I spent most of my sofa years in PJs looking grim. |
Slowly but surely over the past four years since I first got really sick, I have recovered little by little, through prayer. The first improvement probably took about 6-12 months to happen, then another 6 months and so on. It wasn't fast, or pretty, or astonishing. It was slow, miserable (although I was grateful for each small improvement), and didn't help affirm any feelings of love!
But as time has gone on and I have read more through the Bible and about God's healing power, I have made more progress. God took me through a whole process where rubbish from my past was dealt with (it was abuse, and it's not 100% done, but honestly very good considering), with the support of some Godly friends.
At each level of healing I have pushed for more. I have been grateful, but I've always known there is more. In fact I became convinced that as a born-again believing child of God it was my birthright to be 100% well, and under the Holy Spirit's prompting I have set out to check if this is true.
I've been working my way through Derek Prince's book 'Bought With The Blood' which details clearly all the exchanges that took place when Jesus died on the cross for me. He took my guilt, I was forgiven. He took my poverty that I might know abundance. He took my sicknesses and pains, that I might be healed. And so on.
I've also been reading Destined for the Throne by Paul E. Billheimer. It's about why God created us and the universe, and our birthright once we believe upon Jesus' sacrifice for us. Billy Graham wrote the Foreword.
Both books are very old, both very easy to read and understand. And both are having an incredible impact on me.
The biggest leap has been once learning of something that the Bible says I have, actually believing it is mine. For example, the Bible says we are healed because of Jesus' sacrifice. Yet my circumstances say I'm not. So I tell the circumstances to go in the name of Jesus (speaking to the mountain - see Mark 11:23), then I believe I have what I've asked for (Mark 11:24), then I wait for God to bring it to pass.
That's the hard bit, waiting for it to come to pass. But once you know the Bible a little, it's knowing that it is already so in the spiritual realms, you're just waiting for the physical realms to catch up.
Since acting in this way (with many a doubting wobble) I have seen huge improvements in my health. I am working a very physically demanding job (gardening, painting and decorating, etc) 3 - 4 days a week, long days - and although I hate getting hot, I am even working through the abnormal heat the UK has been experiencing lately and have worked on the two hottest days of the year. I am also doing more days at home doing accounts and paperwork, I do all the housework and cooking, and now that my husband works longer hours I am doing most of the running around of my four children. Both my husband and I are able to keep going from early in the morning until late at night, through health conditions, with good energy levels and (mostly) good temper, because of God and His promises.
| This promise spoken almost daily has really helped : ) |
But the biggest pay-off, which has come largely as a result of starting to understand exactly what God has done for us through Jesus, the love that the Bible talks of (but is sadly not so often talked about in churches), is starting to filter through. And it is making all the difference.
Once you know you are loved, and you have the biggest, most generous Dad in the world, who promises to always provide for you and love you no matter what you do or say, life seems just that bit easier.
I am not there yet. My health still wobbles. Even this past week I have been tested for six or seven different types of cancer. And in order to do the testing I had to come off all medication for 3 weeks - a very daunting and at times very difficult prospect. But do you know what? I had peace about the results. I wasn't even the slightest bit worried. That was a supernatural thing, because I naturally have a tendency to try to solve a problem, and if I can't I'll worry the whatsit out of it.
But as His love drips down into my soul, I feel my shoulders sag slightly less, I feel my load lifting little by little, and do you know what? I have started to feel joy - and until I felt that, I hadn't even known it was missing. And joy really does make a huge difference.
| How very true this is! |
I'm still on a journey. My health may go a bit wonky. But I'm starting to know my rights now and what I have access to through Jesus, and I'm feeling less scared.
"For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye
have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father." Romans 8: 15.
I pray that my journey may give you hope for yours. I'm not there yet, probably won't be until I die and see Him 'face to face'. But things are so much better and the future's looking bright.
I'll be back soon, I promise! Praying God's love and joy will be blessing you : )
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