Pearls in the Making

Well, it's nearly midnight and instead of winding down or being in bed, I am sat at the dining room table typing this post, whilst listening to my husband watching some dreadful rubbish on TV in the living room next door. I wanted to be in there watching TV, alone, with a cup of tea (and perhaps a valium) to wind down, but he refuses to budge even though he has to get up way earlier than I do tomorrow.

Why is this happening, you may ask? It's because we've had an enormous row. And I don't want to be near him, and he doesn't want to talk to me and is probably enjoying to a certain degree that he got to the TV first.

The argument subject changes, but the problem is always the same. I say something or make a decision he doesn't understand. I try to explain it and he doesn't get it. So I try to explain it again. He has lost interest. Sometimes, like tonight, after he's raised his tone of voice several octaves, he says that he's sorry and can we just put it to one side now. But throughout he won't let me finish a sentence, buts in, says he's got it and talks over me. Tonight I challenged him after a rather fake sounding apology, and he confessed yes, he hadn't meant it at all, he actually thought it was my fault!

The disagreement was over allowing my eldest daughter to walk home after a church meeting by herself late in the evening. It would be daylight still, granted. However she has not one, but two court cases going on at the moment. One about a guy following her and her friends from college into town and back again, making threatening and suggestive comments and basically stalking them, we think to see if he could get one alone and potentially assault them. And another about an ex-boyfriend that abused her.

And then there's the small fact that I was also sexually abused as a child. So yes, I'm a little touchy about her safety right now.

But I feel the real problem is the devil knows I have a real weak spot when it comes to feeling like I'm not being listened to, or being talked over. I grew up in a house where my Mum was mostly out and is one of the un-mumsiest people you could meet. I have never felt that she's been interested in me, because she is so wounded and bitter herself. And my Dad, well he and I could be in a room together and I could be talking to him, and I'd ask him a question and he'd say 'Are you talking to me?' He too was completely disinterested in me.And abused me.

When younger and leaving Junior school there was an award ceremony and I came home with prizes in at least 6 different subjects. I was so keen to get home to show off how well I'd done, in the hope that I'd make them proud. I always sought to do well in the hope of gaining some sense that they were proud of, or pleased with, me. My parents response was to ask who'd I'd taken the awards off and that I'd better give them back.

My brothers too have both told me how worthless and useless I am, many times over the years.

Growing up in that environment was not healthy and certainly does not lead to a healthy self image, or feeling of self worth. Instead I often feel like a non-person, not worth listening to, literally an in-valid.

So, when my husband doesn't listen, actually refuses to listen and tries to shut me down, it really hurts. Do I have a chip on my shoulder? No, more like a gaping wound in my heart. Is God working on it? Yes. Is it fixed yet? No.

But loved this:

             and ...    

My goal is to be able to be in that situation and not get sad, or angry, because God has so healed me in that area that I can completely back down, not care what my husband is saying or doing, and not allow the situation to penetrate my peace. I recognise I cannot change my husband, I can only be responsible for how I react to what is going on around me (and I recognise that I do not always react that well in that situation). And in the meantime pray for God to change me, to heal me, and help me to walk in forgiveness to those he's placed around me, who hurt me (mostly without meaning to).

My goal! From Good, Good Father by Chris Tomlin

That is how pearls are made. A bit of sand or grit somehow makes it way into an oyster. It is an unwanted irritant that remains for some time, and the oyster keeps coating it, until it doesn't irritate or offend any more, but it has become something beautiful.

I can only hope that one day, from these pointless arguments that the devil helps arrange, but God allows (for our benefit, to work on some flaw or irritant), something beautiful will one day, somehow, appear.

Since the argument I've had the song 'Good, Good Father' by Chris Tomlin in my head. I think God is reminding me that He is a good, good parent. He is not like my parents. When I need to talk He is always there and He rarely, if ever, interrupts. And unlike His imperfect human counterparts, as the song says, He is perfect in all of His ways.

 

The storm is calming. Husband has vacated the lounge so I can watch my detective drama in peace and stay away until he is asleep. Could I talk to him? Yes. But honestly, I don't feel it will do anything but make it worse, and this way I can be really immature and demonstrate just how annoyed I am by refusing to go to bed with him. (Good job we don't have a spare room - one of us would often be in it! This way we have to resolve arguments!) Tomorrow will hopefully be a bit better. And the day after that a bit better again. Hope so. Until we're talking again, I have God for company.

Hoping I'm not the only one with trigger points and pointless arguments! Praying my soul bearing may help you in some way. And of course, hope you are blessed : )