Yet I Will Praise

Well, I managed a full week of work, for the first time in months, which has been great. I was also able to do the school pick ups and cook dinner as hoped for! And my digestive system has been relatively pain-free. All great triumphs considering recent history, and all thanks to God, who has daily helped me and sustained me : )

However, my kids had been sharing around a cold, and after starting to feel almost virus free, my body picked it up. I was very bunged up and for a while was completely unable to breathe through my nose. I started to feel a bit off again on Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday, by the time I had completed work and all essential chores, I crashed onto the sofa and out of sheer necessity declared that I wouldn't be doing anything else all evening.

After feeling really rubbish Thursday, I still managed to get to work Friday, which was great. It was a tough day for me as it included lots of things that I find completely difficult: meeting new people and working in a new place, returning to a type of work I do for the first time in months so my confidence was low, and there were a lot of heights, dark places and spiders involved. I did it - I refused to slack off due to fear, or back down, which was quite an achievement for me, as all of those things are guaranteed to induce a stress response! Perhaps it was the stress of Friday, or the virus, or a combination of many things, but I felt so dreadful that I was in my pyjamas from Friday evening through to this afternoon (Sunday). I'm not able to eat too much, I want to sleep all the time and I am now dealing with a great deal of frustration at my inability to maintain reasonable health and therefore my inability to be of much use. I cannot plan anything, I cannot rely on my body to be useful and whilst I wait for healing my poor over-worked husband has to pick up the slack. And all the time I see him struggle in his faith as he knows the Bible and God says I should be well, that health is mine.

I also wish so very much that I could report to you that I am well. It would be so great to say that after over 2 years of constant and chronic ill health, you have seen my healing! I would love to tell you that I'm healed, but at the moment I cannot. However it does not in any way diminish my belief that my healing is already bought for me, I am simply waiting for its full delivery.

I also believe very strongly that God is as concerned with where we get to (i.e. healing), as He is with how we get there. Our attitude as we wait for the promises to be fulfilled is of utmost importance to Him.

It is no different to hearing bad reports of someone we love. For example if I heard rumours that my husband was unfaithful, or acting in a way I would not like, I would try to choose to not believe those rumours and instead maintain my belief in who I believe he is, until I saw some clear evidence and had had time to speak directly with him. This is the same with God. I know He loves me. I know Jesus has bought my healing. The circumstances however say different - I am unwell and often feel dreadful and it is hard on me and my family. But I am doing my best to believe His word and His character over those circumstances.

It says in Malachi 2: 16(b): "So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith."

It is hard, but God knows I am trying to remain faithful.

Once during the illness when I was having a particularly hard time I felt the Lord speak to me from James 1: 2, saying I was to 'consider it pure joy' that I was facing such a trial. I almost choked on hysterical laughter! 'Are you mad?' I asked God. 'How can I consider this illness which is eating away at my entire life be considered a joy?'

But then I read on through James 1. The trial, it would appear, would test and refine my faith (making it purer and stronger), then I would develop perseverance, finally I would be mature and complete not lacking anything! Knowing no lack and being complete, now those are things I can cheer about! Romans 5: 3 - 5 speaks similarly.

So, although I've had many things to be down about this week, and I have really wrestled (and I mean truly wrestled with great effort) an overwhelming sense of frustration, I refuse to believe the circumstances or be bowed down permanently. Instead I choose the words of Habakkuk 3: 17 - 19:

"Though the fig-tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on to the heights."

Although I may be in the valley, and all looks cast in shadow, I look forward to when I 'go on to the heights', for I know if I keep faith (all the promises of God are inherited through faith and patience, Hebrews 6:12) and remain patient all those good things hoped for will come to pass.

If you are in a valley, or all hope seems lost, hold on! God loves you and has a great plan for your future (Jeremiah 29: 11) and will enable you too to 'go on to the heights', whatever your heights are. I pray that whatever point you are at you will hear His voice, feel His love and be encouraged this week. God bless : )