A Surprise Challenge

Wow, God sure likes to give surprise challenges! I was faced with one today that I was not expecting...

When I was at my most unwell, even before my severe Vitamin D deficiency was discovered, we were invited out to dinner at my friend's house. My illness had been sporadic, so we were still questioning whether it was some sort of virus or reaction to something, so taking up the offer to eat out wasn't as daft as it sounds. It was the first time we'd been invited to theirs and we wanted to accept the hand of friendship offered, so said yes.

Since before my illness I stopped drinking alcohol. I'd had 6 pregnancies and then been on pain killers for a knee problem, so my alcohol tolerance level was reduced to zero, so I felt the effects of even the smallest sip of anything alcoholic. This greatly reduced enjoyment, then with being ill, I avoided it altogether and became the designated driver everywhere. My husband doesn't normally drink either but likes the occasional beer. It was therefore typical that he decided to have a beer, plus wine with dinner, plus a port and was therefore completely unable to drive.

I'd felt OK leading up to the meal, but then during it I started to feel really cold. Then I started to get tremors throughout my body. Then a full blown episode of major illness kicked off.

Being British and completely ridiculous, I decided that the best option was to try to hide this fact from everyone and  hope it would go away. Because we all know that completely ignoring things makes them so much better (not!)! I smiled weakly and excused myself to the bathroom, trying not to have a full blown panic attack and flip out. How was I going to get home? How was I not going to throw up? What was wrong with me? Was I dying?

After we'd been there a suitable amount of time we excused ourselves, said our thanks and goodbyes and I somehow drove home, whilst explaining, through sobs, to my bemused husband what was going on and trying to control my tremors. When home the tremors got worse, the sickness kicked off and I had a melt down. I felt so ill I seriously questioned if I was dying. I lay agitated in bed all night long, unable to sleep, trying to not be sick, with my head in a bucket. I've had sickness bugs before, but this was different. On this occasion it was as if someone was playing a video of food images directly into my brain. I couldn't be sick to get any relief, but the images of food just made it all worse. I recognise now it was of course demonic, and fear played a big part, but I can honestly say the only way I can describe what was going on was that I was being tormented. I can remember thinking, if this is just one tenth of what being in hell was like, I would never chose for anyone to go there - it was so very, very awful. Nothing offered relief and it felt it would go on forever. Words are simply inadequate to explain it.

As dawn was breaking that day I can remember asking God, that if He wasn't going to heal me, please could He take me to heaven. I simply could not bear it any more. That night was truly the worst night of my life.

Anyway, fast forward to today. Anything related to the worst occurrences of illness bring out a very strong stress response in me, almost like watered-down post traumatic stress. So when my friend who's house I was at that night invited me over for a coffee as she'd just had an operation and was off work, it was with a great deal of trust in God, and trepidation, that I said yes.

I overslept as I'd been up too late reading a great (Christian) book and chatting to God (note to self: re-read previous blog post about walking in the Spirit and exercising self-control), so when I got there she was busy making us lunch instead of putting the kettle on. I nearly had an internal melt-down realising I was going to eat back at the scene of my worst night ever.

Again, instead of opening up to her, I decided to be very British and not mention my anxiety. Instead I said a prayer and texted my husband to pray. But part of me did not want to run away. I wanted to face up to the challenge and see if I could pass it, because each positive experience reduces the anxiety and builds up trust and health. I wanted to have a little courage. Courage is not being unafraid. When it says in the Bible in places like Joshua 'Do not be afraid' or 'Do not fear', it does not mean don't ever feel afraid; it literally means do not let fear dictate what you do, or be afraid but do it anyway.

So I did. I girded up my loins, had courage, and prayed through a very pleasant conversation and a small but pleasing lunch. It was tasty, it was great to see my friend, but it was even better to have a really positive experience to help overwrite all the bad ones. The anxiety was dampened from a full blown roar, to an almost ignorable hiss.

Would I feel a little anxiety if I had to go back? Yes, but probably less than I would've. Do I feel anxiety when faced with certain other situations that are hard for me? Yes, very much so. But I can take from today, that even though you don't always win, there are sometimes surprise opportunities to gain back ground. And in spite of the fact that God knew all along I'd have lunch there, He arranged it so I wouldn't know that in advance and therefore wouldn't worry. It may even have been a trap from the devil to try to pull me down, but instead God turned the tables on him and took care of me. He gave me an opportunity I would have otherwise run away from. I can truly be thankful that today I had lunch with my friend.

And I even managed to do some shopping, the school run, a dog walk and make tea. I'm off to sort some washing, then after a nice warming cuppa and some TV to unwind I think it should be off to bed. I am rubbish at going to bed early - a huge area where I need to win the war of self-control and crucifying the flesh. But if I don't, I shan't be any good for work tomorrow.

I awoke feeling a bit rubbish and tired, but declaring 'This is the day that You have made, I will rejoice and be glad in it' (Psalm 118: 24 New Living Translation). The Lord brought that word to pass. It is a good day : )

I pray that when the Lord gives you a surprise opportunity for courage, you would be able to trust Him and be able to win back some ground and extend your comfort zone. God bless : )