Last night my husband and I were invited to the 40th birthday party of a dear friend of ours. We were both very keen to go, but for me it presented an interesting dilemma.
As you will see from the updated version of my previous post, I had been struggling with a virus all week. In addition to this I have longer term health issues. I had made a bit of a step up in the longer term issues last weekend and felt quite good on Monday and Tuesday, but that is when I am at home. Going out presents a whole new set of challenges.
Historically throughout my illness some of the worst and most traumatic episodes of sickness occurred either during or immediately after going out, especially eating in a social situation. It would seem that when you go through similar situations with the same result, your brain gets re-programmed into assuming the same thing will happen each time - it actually expects a certain outcome and therefore prepares for it, as it has laid down new thought patterns. Essentially what this means in real terms is that my body and brain expect me to have some sort of traumatic situation when going out socially or when eating in certain settings, and it therefore floods my body with a huge stress response, which sets off horrible symptoms in my body.
I had actually been looking forward to going out last night. It would be a real milestone to go out, enjoy it and be well. I spent all week preparing - we chose outfits, I gave myself a manicure and painted my nails, I worked out make-up and hairstyles (I like being 'girly' occasionally, but normally I don't have time for these things - I get too dirty and messed up doing the job I do so usually there's no point in attending to these things). I had even felt quite well - the virus was receeding and other symptoms had improved. Then, a few hours before we were going - BAM! The huge stress response kicked off for no apparent reason and I started to really struggle.
I prayed, I trusted, but no improvement came and by now I was in fully-fledged anxiety. It is so very frustrating when you know there is nothing wrong, except your body is over-reacting and you can't do anything about it. It's like a freight train running down the tracks - standing in the way has no impact, you just get hurt - all you can do is let it run. In the end I had two choices - not go, or take a beta-blocker. I did not want to give in this time, so I took a beta-blocker.
I did make it to the party and I did enjoy parts of it. But there were parts where I felt so incredibly ill that I had to sit down and pray. At one point I was about to tell my husband I had to leave, so I prayed and asked God to make me feel better within 5 minutes - that was about as long as I could cope with it. Praise God, He sent along our friend whose birthday it was, a lovely Christian man, who sat down next to me and we had a lovely chat. It took my mind off how I felt and things slowly improved enough that I could stay.
I made it home, and collapsed on the sofa with a cup of tea. Then knew I had to take myself off with God for a few minutes.
Illness this week has crowded out a lot of my 'God' time. Not prayer time or Bible reading, but time where it is just me and Him. Last night I had that ache in my heart that told me I had to share it all with Him. So I excused myself, went upstairs and knelt by my bed. And I wept.
It seems sometimes that I have lost so much. My childhood was robbed by abuse. My teens were robbed by loss and depression. The rest has been robbed my more depression, working through trauma and profound illness. I had been asking the Lord for years, amongst other things, to allow me and my family to travel. Finances prevent us. But now on health grounds, not only do I not travel, but I find it hard to go around the corner or just up the road. I have been robbed, robbed, robbed.
I wept for all those reasons. I wept because I saw so many people last night living 'normal' lives, enjoying themselves and relaxing. I felt like an outsider, constantly trying to get a handle on a private war. I felt really sad.
But in that moment, on my knees with make-up streaming, I felt something ignite in my heart - something God has been building there. It was Hope. And on the inside, despite all my dreadful circumstances, I stood up and was able to say to the Lord: 'I do not understand, but I am putting my hand in yours and I trust You.' And I know He was with me.
He gave me the courage to speak back to the devil. To tell him he was just a squatter, with no legal right to make me ill or keep me pushed down, and that all the incredible prophecies spoken over me and promises given to me and my family over the years were true. That it was just a matter of time before he was gone, that he had already lost.
And then God gently whispered a scripture to me: Isaiah 62: 11:
"The Lord has made proclamation to the ends of the earth: "Say to the Daughter of Zion, 'See, your Saviour comes! See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him.' "
The Lord is coming, is here, with His recompense to pay back what I have lost or had stolen, and His reward to give extra on top; He has double for my trouble. The future is bright and I can trust Him.
Do my circumstances declare it yet? No. I have illness, I feel quite rough, my bank balance does not yet declare it and trouble surrounds us. But: ".. We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed ... We .. believe ... We do not lose heart .. We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.." (2 Cor 4: 8 - 18).
I may be sat down or in bed through the present weight of illness. But on the inside I am standing up. I may have moments when the pressure of this load brings me to tears. But I know now that hope had ignited a flame in me that will not go out. All I need to do is keep trusting Him and He will raise me up. And in the meantime I know I have a friend in Jesus, who sticks closer than a brother (Prov 18: 24) and will not let me go.
Let's hope for a better week, but if not, let's hope anyway. May you and yours be blessed : )
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