I awoke early today because my leg hurt (I have some problems with my right knee and leg, for which I have received some treatment and am praying for complete healing), but I felt wide awake and good. Despite trying I could not get back to sleep, so I eventually dragged myself out of bed (I love my bed and am not a 'morning person').
I was working today with my husband. We were outside and it was a scorching day for September, but I was doing a job that enabled me to think a little. I realised I have been a bit negative since having had a virus recently. I have allowed myself to follow the path of negative thoughts, and believed any old rubbish the devil has been putting in my head. If negativity has come across in the blog, I can only apologise : )
I do have a lot on my plate and a lot on my mind. But you know what, I also have so much that is great in my life. God has been at work and I am so much better in body and mind, so much closer to God, and He has blessed me with a beautiful family and home.
We were working at a beautiful place today too. Next time I shall try to take a photo to share with you. But today I rejoice that I've earned money, made tea (which I must go and rescue before it burns!), got lovely children and a lovely home, and a great spouse who even brought our garden umbrella to work this afternoon so I could be in the shade and not get so hot. And I am able to go out and meet our friends tonight and get some praying done. I shall be praying for all of you who read the blog, that God will meet you wherever you are at, that He would bless you and you would see your needs met.
I am going to try to keep believing and follow those positive thoughts a little more!
Be blessed : )
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
Monday, 23 September 2013
The Art of Relinquishing
Last night I had quite a deep time with God. As per usual after going to bed I lay reading for a bit. I had a library book to hand, so started that. It was called 'God on Mute' by Pete Greig and all about unanswered prayer.
A year or two before I first became unwell I did go through a very protracted time that I can only refer to as a wilderness experience, or 'the dark night of the soul'. We had really big issues, but it seemed like all my prayers bounced off the ceiling and God just wasn't there, and in the meantime everything just got worse. So I have met the difficulty of unanswered prayer face-to-face before (on this and other occasions).
Everything I have felt God say to me recently has been about the Christian's authority and about seeing my prayers answered. I constantly feel the Holy Spirit whisper to me 'Trust me'. I do, but it's a trust that has had to be built up over a long period of time. But after reading that book, I felt I had to face the possibility that despite all my belief, what would I do if my prayers weren't answered? Because it does happen.
I've always found it very hard to trust. I was sexually abused from an early age, for a number of years, by three different people. One was a close family member, one a family friend and one my father. My parents had both known difficulties and some trauma themselves as children, although in their generation you just had to harden yourself and 'get on with it'. They got on with just fine, but never got over it. They never healed from the emotional scars and as a result could not show love. There was no hugging, no tactility (apart from the unwanted and abhorrent attentions), no 'I love you's and nothing I ever did seemed to be good enough. I could never please them. And I did try, very hard.
Up until my father's death, 10 years ago today, and up until the present day with my mother, there was and is no real relationship. Such a shame, when real relationship has been honestly and prayerfully sought with both.
So, I grew up as a damaged and emotionally crippled child and teenager. Trusting was so hard, because those I had really loved and trusted had let me down so appalling.
Last night, in real honesty, I faced up to the possibility that healing may not come for me. Not because I don't believe it will, or my point of view from previous blog posts has changed - not at all. But because sometimes I believe the Lord would have us be willing to submit to Him fully. As Jesus prayed in the garden of Gethsemane (which apparently means 'the oil press'), "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22: 42).
So in humility, feeling very afraid, I opened myself up as fully as I could and prayed, with a trust that required a huge leap of faith, the same. 'Father heal me, take this cup of suffering from me and my family (for this healing is for them as much as for me); yet not my will, but yours be done. Whatever brings the greatest glory to Your name.'
At that moment, I felt some peace. So needing a hug (my past has made me not particularly tactile, but even I need a hug from time to time : ) ) I rolled over to my sleeping husband and spooned with him. Even though he had been fast asleep he stirred and held my hand. 'Hi gorgeous,' he mumbled. And then 'My beautiful wife.'
The journey with my husband has not always been straightforward. Previously I had spent many years single and alone, whilst all my friends were paired up or married. As a couple we have had a super tough time and I have been such a mess that he has had to be super patient. But I was reminded yet again in those five words of what a gift he is to me - a gift from God and a messenger of God's love into my life. Through my husband God has shown me such an enduring and faithful love, and it has provided that human touch that we so often need. I cannot believe that he finds me gorgeous (I feel so far from gorgeous some days, you wouldn't believe it), but he insists that he does (the feeling is mutual). And in the final three words he reminded me that through him God has given me somewhere to belong, and someone loved me enough to want to spend the rest of forever with me. God truly puts the lonely in families (Psalm 68: 6).
Through my husband last night God touched me so deeply with love that I had to un-spoon myself so I could have a good blub. It just welled up within me and I couldn't contain it. Having a husband and it still working 17+ years on, is a whole heap of answered prayers.
After I had finished blubbing I felt a release; I felt a comfort and assurance. And I felt God whisper not to worry, that it would be OK. The gift of relinquishing my desires for His will was a small gift to offer, but I felt that He recognised what a huge thing it was for me. I felt Him smile. And I still believe, even though I've still had health struggles today, that He will come through for me and my family.
God bless you : )
A year or two before I first became unwell I did go through a very protracted time that I can only refer to as a wilderness experience, or 'the dark night of the soul'. We had really big issues, but it seemed like all my prayers bounced off the ceiling and God just wasn't there, and in the meantime everything just got worse. So I have met the difficulty of unanswered prayer face-to-face before (on this and other occasions).
Everything I have felt God say to me recently has been about the Christian's authority and about seeing my prayers answered. I constantly feel the Holy Spirit whisper to me 'Trust me'. I do, but it's a trust that has had to be built up over a long period of time. But after reading that book, I felt I had to face the possibility that despite all my belief, what would I do if my prayers weren't answered? Because it does happen.
I've always found it very hard to trust. I was sexually abused from an early age, for a number of years, by three different people. One was a close family member, one a family friend and one my father. My parents had both known difficulties and some trauma themselves as children, although in their generation you just had to harden yourself and 'get on with it'. They got on with just fine, but never got over it. They never healed from the emotional scars and as a result could not show love. There was no hugging, no tactility (apart from the unwanted and abhorrent attentions), no 'I love you's and nothing I ever did seemed to be good enough. I could never please them. And I did try, very hard.
Up until my father's death, 10 years ago today, and up until the present day with my mother, there was and is no real relationship. Such a shame, when real relationship has been honestly and prayerfully sought with both.
So, I grew up as a damaged and emotionally crippled child and teenager. Trusting was so hard, because those I had really loved and trusted had let me down so appalling.
Last night, in real honesty, I faced up to the possibility that healing may not come for me. Not because I don't believe it will, or my point of view from previous blog posts has changed - not at all. But because sometimes I believe the Lord would have us be willing to submit to Him fully. As Jesus prayed in the garden of Gethsemane (which apparently means 'the oil press'), "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22: 42).
So in humility, feeling very afraid, I opened myself up as fully as I could and prayed, with a trust that required a huge leap of faith, the same. 'Father heal me, take this cup of suffering from me and my family (for this healing is for them as much as for me); yet not my will, but yours be done. Whatever brings the greatest glory to Your name.'
At that moment, I felt some peace. So needing a hug (my past has made me not particularly tactile, but even I need a hug from time to time : ) ) I rolled over to my sleeping husband and spooned with him. Even though he had been fast asleep he stirred and held my hand. 'Hi gorgeous,' he mumbled. And then 'My beautiful wife.'
The journey with my husband has not always been straightforward. Previously I had spent many years single and alone, whilst all my friends were paired up or married. As a couple we have had a super tough time and I have been such a mess that he has had to be super patient. But I was reminded yet again in those five words of what a gift he is to me - a gift from God and a messenger of God's love into my life. Through my husband God has shown me such an enduring and faithful love, and it has provided that human touch that we so often need. I cannot believe that he finds me gorgeous (I feel so far from gorgeous some days, you wouldn't believe it), but he insists that he does (the feeling is mutual). And in the final three words he reminded me that through him God has given me somewhere to belong, and someone loved me enough to want to spend the rest of forever with me. God truly puts the lonely in families (Psalm 68: 6).
Through my husband last night God touched me so deeply with love that I had to un-spoon myself so I could have a good blub. It just welled up within me and I couldn't contain it. Having a husband and it still working 17+ years on, is a whole heap of answered prayers.
After I had finished blubbing I felt a release; I felt a comfort and assurance. And I felt God whisper not to worry, that it would be OK. The gift of relinquishing my desires for His will was a small gift to offer, but I felt that He recognised what a huge thing it was for me. I felt Him smile. And I still believe, even though I've still had health struggles today, that He will come through for me and my family.
God bless you : )
Sunday, 22 September 2013
Yet I Will Praise
Well, I managed a full week of work, for the first time in months, which has been great. I was also able to do the school pick ups and cook dinner as hoped for! And my digestive system has been relatively pain-free. All great triumphs considering recent history, and all thanks to God, who has daily helped me and sustained me : )
However, my kids had been sharing around a cold, and after starting to feel almost virus free, my body picked it up. I was very bunged up and for a while was completely unable to breathe through my nose. I started to feel a bit off again on Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday, by the time I had completed work and all essential chores, I crashed onto the sofa and out of sheer necessity declared that I wouldn't be doing anything else all evening.
After feeling really rubbish Thursday, I still managed to get to work Friday, which was great. It was a tough day for me as it included lots of things that I find completely difficult: meeting new people and working in a new place, returning to a type of work I do for the first time in months so my confidence was low, and there were a lot of heights, dark places and spiders involved. I did it - I refused to slack off due to fear, or back down, which was quite an achievement for me, as all of those things are guaranteed to induce a stress response! Perhaps it was the stress of Friday, or the virus, or a combination of many things, but I felt so dreadful that I was in my pyjamas from Friday evening through to this afternoon (Sunday). I'm not able to eat too much, I want to sleep all the time and I am now dealing with a great deal of frustration at my inability to maintain reasonable health and therefore my inability to be of much use. I cannot plan anything, I cannot rely on my body to be useful and whilst I wait for healing my poor over-worked husband has to pick up the slack. And all the time I see him struggle in his faith as he knows the Bible and God says I should be well, that health is mine.
I also wish so very much that I could report to you that I am well. It would be so great to say that after over 2 years of constant and chronic ill health, you have seen my healing! I would love to tell you that I'm healed, but at the moment I cannot. However it does not in any way diminish my belief that my healing is already bought for me, I am simply waiting for its full delivery.
I also believe very strongly that God is as concerned with where we get to (i.e. healing), as He is with how we get there. Our attitude as we wait for the promises to be fulfilled is of utmost importance to Him.
It is no different to hearing bad reports of someone we love. For example if I heard rumours that my husband was unfaithful, or acting in a way I would not like, I would try to choose to not believe those rumours and instead maintain my belief in who I believe he is, until I saw some clear evidence and had had time to speak directly with him. This is the same with God. I know He loves me. I know Jesus has bought my healing. The circumstances however say different - I am unwell and often feel dreadful and it is hard on me and my family. But I am doing my best to believe His word and His character over those circumstances.
It says in Malachi 2: 16(b): "So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith."
It is hard, but God knows I am trying to remain faithful.
Once during the illness when I was having a particularly hard time I felt the Lord speak to me from James 1: 2, saying I was to 'consider it pure joy' that I was facing such a trial. I almost choked on hysterical laughter! 'Are you mad?' I asked God. 'How can I consider this illness which is eating away at my entire life be considered a joy?'
But then I read on through James 1. The trial, it would appear, would test and refine my faith (making it purer and stronger), then I would develop perseverance, finally I would be mature and complete not lacking anything! Knowing no lack and being complete, now those are things I can cheer about! Romans 5: 3 - 5 speaks similarly.
So, although I've had many things to be down about this week, and I have really wrestled (and I mean truly wrestled with great effort) an overwhelming sense of frustration, I refuse to believe the circumstances or be bowed down permanently. Instead I choose the words of Habakkuk 3: 17 - 19:
"Though the fig-tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on to the heights."
Although I may be in the valley, and all looks cast in shadow, I look forward to when I 'go on to the heights', for I know if I keep faith (all the promises of God are inherited through faith and patience, Hebrews 6:12) and remain patient all those good things hoped for will come to pass.
If you are in a valley, or all hope seems lost, hold on! God loves you and has a great plan for your future (Jeremiah 29: 11) and will enable you too to 'go on to the heights', whatever your heights are. I pray that whatever point you are at you will hear His voice, feel His love and be encouraged this week. God bless : )
However, my kids had been sharing around a cold, and after starting to feel almost virus free, my body picked it up. I was very bunged up and for a while was completely unable to breathe through my nose. I started to feel a bit off again on Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday, by the time I had completed work and all essential chores, I crashed onto the sofa and out of sheer necessity declared that I wouldn't be doing anything else all evening.
After feeling really rubbish Thursday, I still managed to get to work Friday, which was great. It was a tough day for me as it included lots of things that I find completely difficult: meeting new people and working in a new place, returning to a type of work I do for the first time in months so my confidence was low, and there were a lot of heights, dark places and spiders involved. I did it - I refused to slack off due to fear, or back down, which was quite an achievement for me, as all of those things are guaranteed to induce a stress response! Perhaps it was the stress of Friday, or the virus, or a combination of many things, but I felt so dreadful that I was in my pyjamas from Friday evening through to this afternoon (Sunday). I'm not able to eat too much, I want to sleep all the time and I am now dealing with a great deal of frustration at my inability to maintain reasonable health and therefore my inability to be of much use. I cannot plan anything, I cannot rely on my body to be useful and whilst I wait for healing my poor over-worked husband has to pick up the slack. And all the time I see him struggle in his faith as he knows the Bible and God says I should be well, that health is mine.
I also wish so very much that I could report to you that I am well. It would be so great to say that after over 2 years of constant and chronic ill health, you have seen my healing! I would love to tell you that I'm healed, but at the moment I cannot. However it does not in any way diminish my belief that my healing is already bought for me, I am simply waiting for its full delivery.
I also believe very strongly that God is as concerned with where we get to (i.e. healing), as He is with how we get there. Our attitude as we wait for the promises to be fulfilled is of utmost importance to Him.
It is no different to hearing bad reports of someone we love. For example if I heard rumours that my husband was unfaithful, or acting in a way I would not like, I would try to choose to not believe those rumours and instead maintain my belief in who I believe he is, until I saw some clear evidence and had had time to speak directly with him. This is the same with God. I know He loves me. I know Jesus has bought my healing. The circumstances however say different - I am unwell and often feel dreadful and it is hard on me and my family. But I am doing my best to believe His word and His character over those circumstances.
It says in Malachi 2: 16(b): "So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith."
It is hard, but God knows I am trying to remain faithful.
Once during the illness when I was having a particularly hard time I felt the Lord speak to me from James 1: 2, saying I was to 'consider it pure joy' that I was facing such a trial. I almost choked on hysterical laughter! 'Are you mad?' I asked God. 'How can I consider this illness which is eating away at my entire life be considered a joy?'
But then I read on through James 1. The trial, it would appear, would test and refine my faith (making it purer and stronger), then I would develop perseverance, finally I would be mature and complete not lacking anything! Knowing no lack and being complete, now those are things I can cheer about! Romans 5: 3 - 5 speaks similarly.
So, although I've had many things to be down about this week, and I have really wrestled (and I mean truly wrestled with great effort) an overwhelming sense of frustration, I refuse to believe the circumstances or be bowed down permanently. Instead I choose the words of Habakkuk 3: 17 - 19:
"Though the fig-tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on to the heights."
Although I may be in the valley, and all looks cast in shadow, I look forward to when I 'go on to the heights', for I know if I keep faith (all the promises of God are inherited through faith and patience, Hebrews 6:12) and remain patient all those good things hoped for will come to pass.
If you are in a valley, or all hope seems lost, hold on! God loves you and has a great plan for your future (Jeremiah 29: 11) and will enable you too to 'go on to the heights', whatever your heights are. I pray that whatever point you are at you will hear His voice, feel His love and be encouraged this week. God bless : )
Wednesday, 18 September 2013
A Surprise Challenge
Wow, God sure likes to give surprise challenges! I was faced with one today that I was not expecting...
When I was at my most unwell, even before my severe Vitamin D deficiency was discovered, we were invited out to dinner at my friend's house. My illness had been sporadic, so we were still questioning whether it was some sort of virus or reaction to something, so taking up the offer to eat out wasn't as daft as it sounds. It was the first time we'd been invited to theirs and we wanted to accept the hand of friendship offered, so said yes.
Since before my illness I stopped drinking alcohol. I'd had 6 pregnancies and then been on pain killers for a knee problem, so my alcohol tolerance level was reduced to zero, so I felt the effects of even the smallest sip of anything alcoholic. This greatly reduced enjoyment, then with being ill, I avoided it altogether and became the designated driver everywhere. My husband doesn't normally drink either but likes the occasional beer. It was therefore typical that he decided to have a beer, plus wine with dinner, plus a port and was therefore completely unable to drive.
I'd felt OK leading up to the meal, but then during it I started to feel really cold. Then I started to get tremors throughout my body. Then a full blown episode of major illness kicked off.
Being British and completely ridiculous, I decided that the best option was to try to hide this fact from everyone and hope it would go away. Because we all know that completely ignoring things makes them so much better (not!)! I smiled weakly and excused myself to the bathroom, trying not to have a full blown panic attack and flip out. How was I going to get home? How was I not going to throw up? What was wrong with me? Was I dying?
After we'd been there a suitable amount of time we excused ourselves, said our thanks and goodbyes and I somehow drove home, whilst explaining, through sobs, to my bemused husband what was going on and trying to control my tremors. When home the tremors got worse, the sickness kicked off and I had a melt down. I felt so ill I seriously questioned if I was dying. I lay agitated in bed all night long, unable to sleep, trying to not be sick, with my head in a bucket. I've had sickness bugs before, but this was different. On this occasion it was as if someone was playing a video of food images directly into my brain. I couldn't be sick to get any relief, but the images of food just made it all worse. I recognise now it was of course demonic, and fear played a big part, but I can honestly say the only way I can describe what was going on was that I was being tormented. I can remember thinking, if this is just one tenth of what being in hell was like, I would never chose for anyone to go there - it was so very, very awful. Nothing offered relief and it felt it would go on forever. Words are simply inadequate to explain it.
As dawn was breaking that day I can remember asking God, that if He wasn't going to heal me, please could He take me to heaven. I simply could not bear it any more. That night was truly the worst night of my life.
Anyway, fast forward to today. Anything related to the worst occurrences of illness bring out a very strong stress response in me, almost like watered-down post traumatic stress. So when my friend who's house I was at that night invited me over for a coffee as she'd just had an operation and was off work, it was with a great deal of trust in God, and trepidation, that I said yes.
I overslept as I'd been up too late reading a great (Christian) book and chatting to God (note to self: re-read previous blog post about walking in the Spirit and exercising self-control), so when I got there she was busy making us lunch instead of putting the kettle on. I nearly had an internal melt-down realising I was going to eat back at the scene of my worst night ever.
Again, instead of opening up to her, I decided to be very British and not mention my anxiety. Instead I said a prayer and texted my husband to pray. But part of me did not want to run away. I wanted to face up to the challenge and see if I could pass it, because each positive experience reduces the anxiety and builds up trust and health. I wanted to have a little courage. Courage is not being unafraid. When it says in the Bible in places like Joshua 'Do not be afraid' or 'Do not fear', it does not mean don't ever feel afraid; it literally means do not let fear dictate what you do, or be afraid but do it anyway.
So I did. I girded up my loins, had courage, and prayed through a very pleasant conversation and a small but pleasing lunch. It was tasty, it was great to see my friend, but it was even better to have a really positive experience to help overwrite all the bad ones. The anxiety was dampened from a full blown roar, to an almost ignorable hiss.
Would I feel a little anxiety if I had to go back? Yes, but probably less than I would've. Do I feel anxiety when faced with certain other situations that are hard for me? Yes, very much so. But I can take from today, that even though you don't always win, there are sometimes surprise opportunities to gain back ground. And in spite of the fact that God knew all along I'd have lunch there, He arranged it so I wouldn't know that in advance and therefore wouldn't worry. It may even have been a trap from the devil to try to pull me down, but instead God turned the tables on him and took care of me. He gave me an opportunity I would have otherwise run away from. I can truly be thankful that today I had lunch with my friend.
And I even managed to do some shopping, the school run, a dog walk and make tea. I'm off to sort some washing, then after a nice warming cuppa and some TV to unwind I think it should be off to bed. I am rubbish at going to bed early - a huge area where I need to win the war of self-control and crucifying the flesh. But if I don't, I shan't be any good for work tomorrow.
I awoke feeling a bit rubbish and tired, but declaring 'This is the day that You have made, I will rejoice and be glad in it' (Psalm 118: 24 New Living Translation). The Lord brought that word to pass. It is a good day : )
I pray that when the Lord gives you a surprise opportunity for courage, you would be able to trust Him and be able to win back some ground and extend your comfort zone. God bless : )
When I was at my most unwell, even before my severe Vitamin D deficiency was discovered, we were invited out to dinner at my friend's house. My illness had been sporadic, so we were still questioning whether it was some sort of virus or reaction to something, so taking up the offer to eat out wasn't as daft as it sounds. It was the first time we'd been invited to theirs and we wanted to accept the hand of friendship offered, so said yes.
Since before my illness I stopped drinking alcohol. I'd had 6 pregnancies and then been on pain killers for a knee problem, so my alcohol tolerance level was reduced to zero, so I felt the effects of even the smallest sip of anything alcoholic. This greatly reduced enjoyment, then with being ill, I avoided it altogether and became the designated driver everywhere. My husband doesn't normally drink either but likes the occasional beer. It was therefore typical that he decided to have a beer, plus wine with dinner, plus a port and was therefore completely unable to drive.
I'd felt OK leading up to the meal, but then during it I started to feel really cold. Then I started to get tremors throughout my body. Then a full blown episode of major illness kicked off.
Being British and completely ridiculous, I decided that the best option was to try to hide this fact from everyone and hope it would go away. Because we all know that completely ignoring things makes them so much better (not!)! I smiled weakly and excused myself to the bathroom, trying not to have a full blown panic attack and flip out. How was I going to get home? How was I not going to throw up? What was wrong with me? Was I dying?
After we'd been there a suitable amount of time we excused ourselves, said our thanks and goodbyes and I somehow drove home, whilst explaining, through sobs, to my bemused husband what was going on and trying to control my tremors. When home the tremors got worse, the sickness kicked off and I had a melt down. I felt so ill I seriously questioned if I was dying. I lay agitated in bed all night long, unable to sleep, trying to not be sick, with my head in a bucket. I've had sickness bugs before, but this was different. On this occasion it was as if someone was playing a video of food images directly into my brain. I couldn't be sick to get any relief, but the images of food just made it all worse. I recognise now it was of course demonic, and fear played a big part, but I can honestly say the only way I can describe what was going on was that I was being tormented. I can remember thinking, if this is just one tenth of what being in hell was like, I would never chose for anyone to go there - it was so very, very awful. Nothing offered relief and it felt it would go on forever. Words are simply inadequate to explain it.
As dawn was breaking that day I can remember asking God, that if He wasn't going to heal me, please could He take me to heaven. I simply could not bear it any more. That night was truly the worst night of my life.
Anyway, fast forward to today. Anything related to the worst occurrences of illness bring out a very strong stress response in me, almost like watered-down post traumatic stress. So when my friend who's house I was at that night invited me over for a coffee as she'd just had an operation and was off work, it was with a great deal of trust in God, and trepidation, that I said yes.
I overslept as I'd been up too late reading a great (Christian) book and chatting to God (note to self: re-read previous blog post about walking in the Spirit and exercising self-control), so when I got there she was busy making us lunch instead of putting the kettle on. I nearly had an internal melt-down realising I was going to eat back at the scene of my worst night ever.
Again, instead of opening up to her, I decided to be very British and not mention my anxiety. Instead I said a prayer and texted my husband to pray. But part of me did not want to run away. I wanted to face up to the challenge and see if I could pass it, because each positive experience reduces the anxiety and builds up trust and health. I wanted to have a little courage. Courage is not being unafraid. When it says in the Bible in places like Joshua 'Do not be afraid' or 'Do not fear', it does not mean don't ever feel afraid; it literally means do not let fear dictate what you do, or be afraid but do it anyway.
So I did. I girded up my loins, had courage, and prayed through a very pleasant conversation and a small but pleasing lunch. It was tasty, it was great to see my friend, but it was even better to have a really positive experience to help overwrite all the bad ones. The anxiety was dampened from a full blown roar, to an almost ignorable hiss.
Would I feel a little anxiety if I had to go back? Yes, but probably less than I would've. Do I feel anxiety when faced with certain other situations that are hard for me? Yes, very much so. But I can take from today, that even though you don't always win, there are sometimes surprise opportunities to gain back ground. And in spite of the fact that God knew all along I'd have lunch there, He arranged it so I wouldn't know that in advance and therefore wouldn't worry. It may even have been a trap from the devil to try to pull me down, but instead God turned the tables on him and took care of me. He gave me an opportunity I would have otherwise run away from. I can truly be thankful that today I had lunch with my friend.
And I even managed to do some shopping, the school run, a dog walk and make tea. I'm off to sort some washing, then after a nice warming cuppa and some TV to unwind I think it should be off to bed. I am rubbish at going to bed early - a huge area where I need to win the war of self-control and crucifying the flesh. But if I don't, I shan't be any good for work tomorrow.
I awoke feeling a bit rubbish and tired, but declaring 'This is the day that You have made, I will rejoice and be glad in it' (Psalm 118: 24 New Living Translation). The Lord brought that word to pass. It is a good day : )
I pray that when the Lord gives you a surprise opportunity for courage, you would be able to trust Him and be able to win back some ground and extend your comfort zone. God bless : )
Tuesday, 17 September 2013
Keeping It Simple
After my teary, bleary-eyed prayer time on Saturday night, and feeling fairly dreadful on Sunday, my husband and I sat down for a quick prayer time Sunday evening, to offer the week to God.
We prayed over several things, not only for us but for friends that we know are in need or needing prayer cover (sounds very spiritual, but honestly, it's not - my prayers are so awkward and wordy sometimes (it is not unknown for my husband to fall asleep whilst I pray) that I'm truly grateful God looks at the heart and knows what I mean!). However for me, I decided for a change to keep it simple. These are some of our requests:
- That my digestive system (which had been adversely affected by the virus) would be pain free, all nausea would be gone, I would be able to eat without difficulty and would enjoy my food and I would be able to prepare a meal for the family each day (nausea had prevented me).
- That I would be able to do the school run pick ups easily and without fear (as being unwell causes a stress response in that situation as I'd had bad experiences with illness on the school run) and I'd be well on them.
- That the virus would go!
- That I would be able to work.
- That I'd see improvements in the underlying health issues and it would go!
- That I would be able to get to my Wednesday evening fellowship group (where I get to meet with some Christians friends and we have a great time with God) and to church, without illness or anxiety about going out.
In return I feel that I need to do some things:
- Every great person who's ever done anything for God seems to have spent a lot of time in the Bible and a lot of time with God. I am currently studying quite a lot about what Jesus achieved on the cross (as I am thoroughly determined to receive all He died for me to have, and to go forth taking Kingdom life with me (healing the sick, freeing the captives and, dare I say it, raising the dead - but I am taking it a step at a time and have seen a few healings in response to my awkward prayers - thank you God!), but I feel I need to spend more time with God - to step up where I'm currently at. So I want to commit to spending extra time with God, just in His presence.
- We need to see great improvements in our finances. We have debts to clear, birthdays and Christmas approaching, the children would like a reasonable holiday next year, plus we need more equipment for work and two new cars. Oh yes, and the house needs work. I almost laugh a little hysterically when I write it, because logically there is no way. But He is a God of miracles. So I feel that in order to see greater blessing the Lord is saying to up our giving. So I want to commit to giving more each month than we are currently giving.
- I want to commit to trusting Him completely. We need so much help with health and finances, as well as holding these great big, impossible dreams in our hearts that the Lord has given us. But I know now that I cannot bring these things to pass. The spending more time with God is really a necessity and bringing our relationship to the next level (when we love someone in life, don't we always choose to spend as much time as we can with them? If so, why not God?) and the extra giving is not simply to get, but a greater level of trusting too - my heart does a little flip-flop as I hand over our hard earned pennies, so to give more is a real leap of faith. They are not just things to do to 'gain' what we want; I know that I have to fully submit, I have to give it all up to him.
Paul puts this so much better than I in Galatians 2: 20:
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
I have to consider myself dead to my old life and old way of doing things, and offer up myself as a living sacrifice (Romans 12: 1). It hurts. Oh boy, does it hurt. My flesh does not want to give up any more time or money. It wants comfort. It wants comfort NOW! It wants to worry and work things out without God. But my heart, my spirit, the bit inside that is me knows that short term pain means long term gain. It's God's way or the dry, dusty road to Nowheresville.
So I'm going to try with the more time and the more giving. We do need to step up to a new level in our experience and our every day life.
But praise God, after a grotty week or so, and a grotty day yesterday as the beta blocker wore off, I was able to get up today, eat a banana without feeling nauseous, and then go out and work. I've also managed the school run and cooking yesterday and today and felt fine throughout. I've had rotten moments, but today has been an immense improvement. At the moment with my health I feel God to say take it a day at a time and keep doing the right things - to build on the foundation He's already laid - so perhaps no more parties for a while. But that's OK. I'm learning that trusting Him always pays dividends in the end, even if it means losing a few friends along the way who don't understand why you keep turning down their invitations, not matter how much you try to explain. I know after the Scripture He gave me the other day (Is 62: 11), for everything I lose following His way, I will get it back with more on top.
I am praying that your week goes well and that you will feel God speaking gently to your heart with the advice you need for your situations. And I'll be back soon with a new post. God bless : )
We prayed over several things, not only for us but for friends that we know are in need or needing prayer cover (sounds very spiritual, but honestly, it's not - my prayers are so awkward and wordy sometimes (it is not unknown for my husband to fall asleep whilst I pray) that I'm truly grateful God looks at the heart and knows what I mean!). However for me, I decided for a change to keep it simple. These are some of our requests:
- That my digestive system (which had been adversely affected by the virus) would be pain free, all nausea would be gone, I would be able to eat without difficulty and would enjoy my food and I would be able to prepare a meal for the family each day (nausea had prevented me).
- That I would be able to do the school run pick ups easily and without fear (as being unwell causes a stress response in that situation as I'd had bad experiences with illness on the school run) and I'd be well on them.
- That the virus would go!
- That I would be able to work.
- That I'd see improvements in the underlying health issues and it would go!
- That I would be able to get to my Wednesday evening fellowship group (where I get to meet with some Christians friends and we have a great time with God) and to church, without illness or anxiety about going out.
In return I feel that I need to do some things:
- Every great person who's ever done anything for God seems to have spent a lot of time in the Bible and a lot of time with God. I am currently studying quite a lot about what Jesus achieved on the cross (as I am thoroughly determined to receive all He died for me to have, and to go forth taking Kingdom life with me (healing the sick, freeing the captives and, dare I say it, raising the dead - but I am taking it a step at a time and have seen a few healings in response to my awkward prayers - thank you God!), but I feel I need to spend more time with God - to step up where I'm currently at. So I want to commit to spending extra time with God, just in His presence.
- We need to see great improvements in our finances. We have debts to clear, birthdays and Christmas approaching, the children would like a reasonable holiday next year, plus we need more equipment for work and two new cars. Oh yes, and the house needs work. I almost laugh a little hysterically when I write it, because logically there is no way. But He is a God of miracles. So I feel that in order to see greater blessing the Lord is saying to up our giving. So I want to commit to giving more each month than we are currently giving.
- I want to commit to trusting Him completely. We need so much help with health and finances, as well as holding these great big, impossible dreams in our hearts that the Lord has given us. But I know now that I cannot bring these things to pass. The spending more time with God is really a necessity and bringing our relationship to the next level (when we love someone in life, don't we always choose to spend as much time as we can with them? If so, why not God?) and the extra giving is not simply to get, but a greater level of trusting too - my heart does a little flip-flop as I hand over our hard earned pennies, so to give more is a real leap of faith. They are not just things to do to 'gain' what we want; I know that I have to fully submit, I have to give it all up to him.
Paul puts this so much better than I in Galatians 2: 20:
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
I have to consider myself dead to my old life and old way of doing things, and offer up myself as a living sacrifice (Romans 12: 1). It hurts. Oh boy, does it hurt. My flesh does not want to give up any more time or money. It wants comfort. It wants comfort NOW! It wants to worry and work things out without God. But my heart, my spirit, the bit inside that is me knows that short term pain means long term gain. It's God's way or the dry, dusty road to Nowheresville.
So I'm going to try with the more time and the more giving. We do need to step up to a new level in our experience and our every day life.
But praise God, after a grotty week or so, and a grotty day yesterday as the beta blocker wore off, I was able to get up today, eat a banana without feeling nauseous, and then go out and work. I've also managed the school run and cooking yesterday and today and felt fine throughout. I've had rotten moments, but today has been an immense improvement. At the moment with my health I feel God to say take it a day at a time and keep doing the right things - to build on the foundation He's already laid - so perhaps no more parties for a while. But that's OK. I'm learning that trusting Him always pays dividends in the end, even if it means losing a few friends along the way who don't understand why you keep turning down their invitations, not matter how much you try to explain. I know after the Scripture He gave me the other day (Is 62: 11), for everything I lose following His way, I will get it back with more on top.
I am praying that your week goes well and that you will feel God speaking gently to your heart with the advice you need for your situations. And I'll be back soon with a new post. God bless : )
Sunday, 15 September 2013
Into the Light
Last night my husband and I were invited to the 40th birthday party of a dear friend of ours. We were both very keen to go, but for me it presented an interesting dilemma.
As you will see from the updated version of my previous post, I had been struggling with a virus all week. In addition to this I have longer term health issues. I had made a bit of a step up in the longer term issues last weekend and felt quite good on Monday and Tuesday, but that is when I am at home. Going out presents a whole new set of challenges.
Historically throughout my illness some of the worst and most traumatic episodes of sickness occurred either during or immediately after going out, especially eating in a social situation. It would seem that when you go through similar situations with the same result, your brain gets re-programmed into assuming the same thing will happen each time - it actually expects a certain outcome and therefore prepares for it, as it has laid down new thought patterns. Essentially what this means in real terms is that my body and brain expect me to have some sort of traumatic situation when going out socially or when eating in certain settings, and it therefore floods my body with a huge stress response, which sets off horrible symptoms in my body.
I had actually been looking forward to going out last night. It would be a real milestone to go out, enjoy it and be well. I spent all week preparing - we chose outfits, I gave myself a manicure and painted my nails, I worked out make-up and hairstyles (I like being 'girly' occasionally, but normally I don't have time for these things - I get too dirty and messed up doing the job I do so usually there's no point in attending to these things). I had even felt quite well - the virus was receeding and other symptoms had improved. Then, a few hours before we were going - BAM! The huge stress response kicked off for no apparent reason and I started to really struggle.
I prayed, I trusted, but no improvement came and by now I was in fully-fledged anxiety. It is so very frustrating when you know there is nothing wrong, except your body is over-reacting and you can't do anything about it. It's like a freight train running down the tracks - standing in the way has no impact, you just get hurt - all you can do is let it run. In the end I had two choices - not go, or take a beta-blocker. I did not want to give in this time, so I took a beta-blocker.
I did make it to the party and I did enjoy parts of it. But there were parts where I felt so incredibly ill that I had to sit down and pray. At one point I was about to tell my husband I had to leave, so I prayed and asked God to make me feel better within 5 minutes - that was about as long as I could cope with it. Praise God, He sent along our friend whose birthday it was, a lovely Christian man, who sat down next to me and we had a lovely chat. It took my mind off how I felt and things slowly improved enough that I could stay.
I made it home, and collapsed on the sofa with a cup of tea. Then knew I had to take myself off with God for a few minutes.
Illness this week has crowded out a lot of my 'God' time. Not prayer time or Bible reading, but time where it is just me and Him. Last night I had that ache in my heart that told me I had to share it all with Him. So I excused myself, went upstairs and knelt by my bed. And I wept.
It seems sometimes that I have lost so much. My childhood was robbed by abuse. My teens were robbed by loss and depression. The rest has been robbed my more depression, working through trauma and profound illness. I had been asking the Lord for years, amongst other things, to allow me and my family to travel. Finances prevent us. But now on health grounds, not only do I not travel, but I find it hard to go around the corner or just up the road. I have been robbed, robbed, robbed.
I wept for all those reasons. I wept because I saw so many people last night living 'normal' lives, enjoying themselves and relaxing. I felt like an outsider, constantly trying to get a handle on a private war. I felt really sad.
But in that moment, on my knees with make-up streaming, I felt something ignite in my heart - something God has been building there. It was Hope. And on the inside, despite all my dreadful circumstances, I stood up and was able to say to the Lord: 'I do not understand, but I am putting my hand in yours and I trust You.' And I know He was with me.
He gave me the courage to speak back to the devil. To tell him he was just a squatter, with no legal right to make me ill or keep me pushed down, and that all the incredible prophecies spoken over me and promises given to me and my family over the years were true. That it was just a matter of time before he was gone, that he had already lost.
And then God gently whispered a scripture to me: Isaiah 62: 11:
"The Lord has made proclamation to the ends of the earth: "Say to the Daughter of Zion, 'See, your Saviour comes! See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him.' "
The Lord is coming, is here, with His recompense to pay back what I have lost or had stolen, and His reward to give extra on top; He has double for my trouble. The future is bright and I can trust Him.
Do my circumstances declare it yet? No. I have illness, I feel quite rough, my bank balance does not yet declare it and trouble surrounds us. But: ".. We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed ... We .. believe ... We do not lose heart .. We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.." (2 Cor 4: 8 - 18).
I may be sat down or in bed through the present weight of illness. But on the inside I am standing up. I may have moments when the pressure of this load brings me to tears. But I know now that hope had ignited a flame in me that will not go out. All I need to do is keep trusting Him and He will raise me up. And in the meantime I know I have a friend in Jesus, who sticks closer than a brother (Prov 18: 24) and will not let me go.
Let's hope for a better week, but if not, let's hope anyway. May you and yours be blessed : )
As you will see from the updated version of my previous post, I had been struggling with a virus all week. In addition to this I have longer term health issues. I had made a bit of a step up in the longer term issues last weekend and felt quite good on Monday and Tuesday, but that is when I am at home. Going out presents a whole new set of challenges.
Historically throughout my illness some of the worst and most traumatic episodes of sickness occurred either during or immediately after going out, especially eating in a social situation. It would seem that when you go through similar situations with the same result, your brain gets re-programmed into assuming the same thing will happen each time - it actually expects a certain outcome and therefore prepares for it, as it has laid down new thought patterns. Essentially what this means in real terms is that my body and brain expect me to have some sort of traumatic situation when going out socially or when eating in certain settings, and it therefore floods my body with a huge stress response, which sets off horrible symptoms in my body.
I had actually been looking forward to going out last night. It would be a real milestone to go out, enjoy it and be well. I spent all week preparing - we chose outfits, I gave myself a manicure and painted my nails, I worked out make-up and hairstyles (I like being 'girly' occasionally, but normally I don't have time for these things - I get too dirty and messed up doing the job I do so usually there's no point in attending to these things). I had even felt quite well - the virus was receeding and other symptoms had improved. Then, a few hours before we were going - BAM! The huge stress response kicked off for no apparent reason and I started to really struggle.
I prayed, I trusted, but no improvement came and by now I was in fully-fledged anxiety. It is so very frustrating when you know there is nothing wrong, except your body is over-reacting and you can't do anything about it. It's like a freight train running down the tracks - standing in the way has no impact, you just get hurt - all you can do is let it run. In the end I had two choices - not go, or take a beta-blocker. I did not want to give in this time, so I took a beta-blocker.
I did make it to the party and I did enjoy parts of it. But there were parts where I felt so incredibly ill that I had to sit down and pray. At one point I was about to tell my husband I had to leave, so I prayed and asked God to make me feel better within 5 minutes - that was about as long as I could cope with it. Praise God, He sent along our friend whose birthday it was, a lovely Christian man, who sat down next to me and we had a lovely chat. It took my mind off how I felt and things slowly improved enough that I could stay.
I made it home, and collapsed on the sofa with a cup of tea. Then knew I had to take myself off with God for a few minutes.
Illness this week has crowded out a lot of my 'God' time. Not prayer time or Bible reading, but time where it is just me and Him. Last night I had that ache in my heart that told me I had to share it all with Him. So I excused myself, went upstairs and knelt by my bed. And I wept.
It seems sometimes that I have lost so much. My childhood was robbed by abuse. My teens were robbed by loss and depression. The rest has been robbed my more depression, working through trauma and profound illness. I had been asking the Lord for years, amongst other things, to allow me and my family to travel. Finances prevent us. But now on health grounds, not only do I not travel, but I find it hard to go around the corner or just up the road. I have been robbed, robbed, robbed.
I wept for all those reasons. I wept because I saw so many people last night living 'normal' lives, enjoying themselves and relaxing. I felt like an outsider, constantly trying to get a handle on a private war. I felt really sad.
But in that moment, on my knees with make-up streaming, I felt something ignite in my heart - something God has been building there. It was Hope. And on the inside, despite all my dreadful circumstances, I stood up and was able to say to the Lord: 'I do not understand, but I am putting my hand in yours and I trust You.' And I know He was with me.
He gave me the courage to speak back to the devil. To tell him he was just a squatter, with no legal right to make me ill or keep me pushed down, and that all the incredible prophecies spoken over me and promises given to me and my family over the years were true. That it was just a matter of time before he was gone, that he had already lost.
And then God gently whispered a scripture to me: Isaiah 62: 11:
"The Lord has made proclamation to the ends of the earth: "Say to the Daughter of Zion, 'See, your Saviour comes! See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him.' "
The Lord is coming, is here, with His recompense to pay back what I have lost or had stolen, and His reward to give extra on top; He has double for my trouble. The future is bright and I can trust Him.
Do my circumstances declare it yet? No. I have illness, I feel quite rough, my bank balance does not yet declare it and trouble surrounds us. But: ".. We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed ... We .. believe ... We do not lose heart .. We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.." (2 Cor 4: 8 - 18).
I may be sat down or in bed through the present weight of illness. But on the inside I am standing up. I may have moments when the pressure of this load brings me to tears. But I know now that hope had ignited a flame in me that will not go out. All I need to do is keep trusting Him and He will raise me up. And in the meantime I know I have a friend in Jesus, who sticks closer than a brother (Prov 18: 24) and will not let me go.
Let's hope for a better week, but if not, let's hope anyway. May you and yours be blessed : )
Tuesday, 10 September 2013
The Little Foxes
It says in the Bible in Song of Songs (also known as Song of Solomon) chapter 2, verse 15:
"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom."
This week whilst trying to dig in, as a soldier would dig in to maintain their position (ironically a position which can be called a foxhole), the devil has sought to attack again. However one way in which the devil likes to have a go, but at the same time remain hidden and covert, is to have a go through lots of little things, rather than one big thing.
When it is a lot of little things we tend to just ignore them and assume it is simply 'just life'. Obviously there are many times when this is true, it is just life. The Bible after all is quite clear that in this world we will know trouble (John 16: 33), and it speaks in many places of the trials and tribulations we will go through. Some are because we are Christians, some simply because we live in a fallen world. However this week I feel that God has reminded me of holding my position and maintaining my position of faith in the little things as well as the big.
This year has come after six or seven years of real tribulation for myself and my family. We were hoping for a quieter and more peaceful year. In some ways we can see improvements. This time last year I was almost constantly in bed and unable to do anything. I am obviously well improved on that. Financially we are also a little better off than we were (a great measure of how we are doing is in the grocery shop - I can at the moment buy a few more of the brands that we really like, rather than the cheap, budget versions of food items - a great improvement!). However in many ways it has been yet another difficult year.
We entered the year on the back of a really stressful December. The main source of the stress was my husband's family. His brother and wife have taken a real dislike to us. It's a long story but despite all our best efforts to make things right between us they have been really hateful, and I don't use that term lightly, and the main reason for it, it would seem, is because we are Christians.
After that it was situations like the mechanic bringing our main family car back from its MOT (it's yearly road-worthy test) and telling us it didn't pass the test but it was broken and was no longer driveable (I can afford my favourite brand of crisps, not a car!). Then our fridge freezer broke. Then our dishwasher. Then both my sons, who had been having big issues at school, were diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum. All these issues were manageable by themselves, but put together they were incredibly draining and my husband and I spent much of the time stressed out and exhausted.
But finally they all settled down. After a month without the family car we got it fixed for £79!! The fridge freezer was fixed after 3 months of mis-diagnosis of the problem and wrong parts and a lot of money, but in the meantime a customer lent us a spare one for free. The problems with the boys are well on their way to being dealt with and things for my eldest son, who was suffering the most, have improved greatly through prayer and interaction. The dishwasher was replaced, again at a big cost, but praise God we had the money.
I hated all of those things at the time. In each situation fear immediately rushed in and it took quite some time to reach a point of trust. But I can see now how those things trained me. In every situation now I can see that 'This too shall pass', and if I trust God, no matter how long it takes to get sorted, the ride gets a little smoother. That training served me well this past week.
Of course, as per previous posts, one of main aims at the moment is to achieve possession of full health, which I believe, based on scripture, is my right as a Christian. That aim was sorely challenged yet again. I had felt very well on Monday and Tuesday - really well compared to how I had been feeling. I was able to do housework and really achieve quite a lot. However I awoke on Wednesday with awful nausea. I was due to work, and as nausea is something I have had quite a lot of over the past years with illness, I decided to get my head down and work through it.
I was able to work, in spite of not being able to drink much and certainly not managing more all morning other than a couple of biscuits, for which I was grateful. Then the real flu-like symptoms kicked in and I succumbed to some sort of virus. We normally meet great Christian friends on a Wednesday evening for prayer and I wasn't even up for that (an evening which often constitutes a highlight of my week), so I was really feeling rough. And I admit I did cry a little as whatever it was made me feel quite emotional. But then I felt the Lord assure me, via my husband first and then directly, that it was just a virus and I was able to not worry about it and work on maintaining my position.
We also had an interesting letter through the post this week. The street lights in our road are being changed. For some reason we have one in our front garden, so we spoke with the Council about having it moved, which they had already decided to do. However it sparked off a letter which stated that the street light wasn't in our garden, but that we, or previous occupants of our house, had 'stolen' or 'adpoted' six feet of the public highway into our front garden, at the front and at the side.
If the Council's claims were true it would mean not only would be lose a lot of what we deemed to be 'our' garden, but also side access to our house. It also meant the brick pillars on which our gates were hung, the gates and the hedge which shielded us from the street would all have to go. If the Council was right and we had known, we would not have purchased this house, such was the size of the claim.
It did worry me a bit, I cannot claim that it didn't. But I did choose to trust almost immediately. That meant I did not lose any sleep over it, and praise God within 2 days of receiving the letter we had a call that said that not only was the street light was being moved out of our garden, but the land was also highly likely to be ours and no further action would be taken. Praise God!
In 'normal' life, a little letter from the Council and a virus would not constitute much. But in life as it currently stands, with the string of stresses and much illness behind me, it doesn't take much to push me over the edge. But I am grateful that I understand now, that if only I will trust Him in spite of how things look, if I will commit to walking by faith and not by sight (2 Cor 5: 7), He will bring me through. And if He will do it for me, He will do it for you, as He is no respecter of persons (Acts 10: 34; Romans 2: 11).
My prayer is that it won't just be the big things that rock us, but we will also watch how those smaller things, the 'little foxes', won't be allowed to get a foothold and ruin our fruitfulness for God. "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power." Ephesians 6: 10. And, as always, may God bless you and yours.
"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom."
This week whilst trying to dig in, as a soldier would dig in to maintain their position (ironically a position which can be called a foxhole), the devil has sought to attack again. However one way in which the devil likes to have a go, but at the same time remain hidden and covert, is to have a go through lots of little things, rather than one big thing.
When it is a lot of little things we tend to just ignore them and assume it is simply 'just life'. Obviously there are many times when this is true, it is just life. The Bible after all is quite clear that in this world we will know trouble (John 16: 33), and it speaks in many places of the trials and tribulations we will go through. Some are because we are Christians, some simply because we live in a fallen world. However this week I feel that God has reminded me of holding my position and maintaining my position of faith in the little things as well as the big.
This year has come after six or seven years of real tribulation for myself and my family. We were hoping for a quieter and more peaceful year. In some ways we can see improvements. This time last year I was almost constantly in bed and unable to do anything. I am obviously well improved on that. Financially we are also a little better off than we were (a great measure of how we are doing is in the grocery shop - I can at the moment buy a few more of the brands that we really like, rather than the cheap, budget versions of food items - a great improvement!). However in many ways it has been yet another difficult year.
We entered the year on the back of a really stressful December. The main source of the stress was my husband's family. His brother and wife have taken a real dislike to us. It's a long story but despite all our best efforts to make things right between us they have been really hateful, and I don't use that term lightly, and the main reason for it, it would seem, is because we are Christians.
After that it was situations like the mechanic bringing our main family car back from its MOT (it's yearly road-worthy test) and telling us it didn't pass the test but it was broken and was no longer driveable (I can afford my favourite brand of crisps, not a car!). Then our fridge freezer broke. Then our dishwasher. Then both my sons, who had been having big issues at school, were diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum. All these issues were manageable by themselves, but put together they were incredibly draining and my husband and I spent much of the time stressed out and exhausted.
But finally they all settled down. After a month without the family car we got it fixed for £79!! The fridge freezer was fixed after 3 months of mis-diagnosis of the problem and wrong parts and a lot of money, but in the meantime a customer lent us a spare one for free. The problems with the boys are well on their way to being dealt with and things for my eldest son, who was suffering the most, have improved greatly through prayer and interaction. The dishwasher was replaced, again at a big cost, but praise God we had the money.
I hated all of those things at the time. In each situation fear immediately rushed in and it took quite some time to reach a point of trust. But I can see now how those things trained me. In every situation now I can see that 'This too shall pass', and if I trust God, no matter how long it takes to get sorted, the ride gets a little smoother. That training served me well this past week.
Of course, as per previous posts, one of main aims at the moment is to achieve possession of full health, which I believe, based on scripture, is my right as a Christian. That aim was sorely challenged yet again. I had felt very well on Monday and Tuesday - really well compared to how I had been feeling. I was able to do housework and really achieve quite a lot. However I awoke on Wednesday with awful nausea. I was due to work, and as nausea is something I have had quite a lot of over the past years with illness, I decided to get my head down and work through it.
I was able to work, in spite of not being able to drink much and certainly not managing more all morning other than a couple of biscuits, for which I was grateful. Then the real flu-like symptoms kicked in and I succumbed to some sort of virus. We normally meet great Christian friends on a Wednesday evening for prayer and I wasn't even up for that (an evening which often constitutes a highlight of my week), so I was really feeling rough. And I admit I did cry a little as whatever it was made me feel quite emotional. But then I felt the Lord assure me, via my husband first and then directly, that it was just a virus and I was able to not worry about it and work on maintaining my position.
We also had an interesting letter through the post this week. The street lights in our road are being changed. For some reason we have one in our front garden, so we spoke with the Council about having it moved, which they had already decided to do. However it sparked off a letter which stated that the street light wasn't in our garden, but that we, or previous occupants of our house, had 'stolen' or 'adpoted' six feet of the public highway into our front garden, at the front and at the side.
If the Council's claims were true it would mean not only would be lose a lot of what we deemed to be 'our' garden, but also side access to our house. It also meant the brick pillars on which our gates were hung, the gates and the hedge which shielded us from the street would all have to go. If the Council was right and we had known, we would not have purchased this house, such was the size of the claim.
It did worry me a bit, I cannot claim that it didn't. But I did choose to trust almost immediately. That meant I did not lose any sleep over it, and praise God within 2 days of receiving the letter we had a call that said that not only was the street light was being moved out of our garden, but the land was also highly likely to be ours and no further action would be taken. Praise God!
In 'normal' life, a little letter from the Council and a virus would not constitute much. But in life as it currently stands, with the string of stresses and much illness behind me, it doesn't take much to push me over the edge. But I am grateful that I understand now, that if only I will trust Him in spite of how things look, if I will commit to walking by faith and not by sight (2 Cor 5: 7), He will bring me through. And if He will do it for me, He will do it for you, as He is no respecter of persons (Acts 10: 34; Romans 2: 11).
My prayer is that it won't just be the big things that rock us, but we will also watch how those smaller things, the 'little foxes', won't be allowed to get a foothold and ruin our fruitfulness for God. "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power." Ephesians 6: 10. And, as always, may God bless you and yours.
One Day At A Time ...
I have been doing my best to walk in the Spirit this week as talked about in my last post. Last night, after a busy day, I chose to walk the dog instead of sit on the sofa. I have tried not to speak negatively, including swearing (I've always found it ironic that so many Christians seem to be able to instantaneously stop swearing when they get saved, but not me, I have to be different and for me it has been a problem), not always with great success. I have tried to follow the promptings of the Spirit. But perhaps most importantly, I have been trying to take things one day at a time.
The Bible talks a lot about not worrying, and even about taking a day at a time (see Matthew 6: 25 - 34). However I find that I often seem to take a leap forward whenever God gives me some sort of revelation - like an epiphany. This week God reminded me of another journey we'd been on together, and it really helped:
Many years ago I used to suffer from depression. It varied in its levels, but I used to feel that I was living under dark cloud most of the time. I would have an occasional brilliant day, and it would be just like the sun coming out from behind the clouds, and I would think 'At last! I am free!'. Then the clouds would come in again and life went back to 'normal' and depression.
For me the breakthrough came after I'd had my fourth, and last, child. Six pregnancies over the years had sent my already fragile hormones spiralling and had amplified everything. But I got to a point where I simply could not go on like it any longer. I prayed about what to do, and God directed me to speak to the Pastor at my church. He came round with his wife and they prayed for me. He had prayed beforehand too and both times he felt God reveal the source of the problem - in this case it was the abuse I had suffered.
God confirmed this to me during the week that followed (so many healings do take time, so be patient!), with an audible voice (a voice speaking out something significant about the abuse, confirming something the Pastor had said) and impressions. Although God only dealt with some of what had gone on in my childhood, it was sufficient to pave the way to freedom from depression.
It took quite a while to get free, probably a year or more, but it was a steady uphill climb to freedom. It took gumption and determination - I had to choose to trust and believe God on even the darkest of days, which when you're depressed is very difficult (actually when you're depressed, anything is really difficult!). But over time He set me free.
There are still occasions when the devil would seek to put it back on me again - to literally depress (to squash, push, confine, stamp on) me. But I know now that if I stand my ground, stand on God's word and His promises, he will retreat.
This week God has reminded me of this battle fought long ago, and I have felt Him impress upon me that this battle for physical health is no different. It sounds so simple, yet it is so profound - because I can look back upon that old battle and be reminded that although there may be bad days, it does not mean that the sickness is here to stay, but it is simply a tough day and it will pass. In essence, it has taken away much of the fear I had felt. I already feel so much better.
I know I have so many battles ahead of me, and I'm sure you face many too. But God has reminded me of the battles already fought and won, and assured me that this present battle and the ones ahead are no different. It takes grit, determination and getting up when all you want to do is sit down. It can be very difficult and at times takes everything you have. But it will be worth it. And :
"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1: 12
It is worth looking through the letters to the seven churches in Revelation 2 and 3 too. At the end of each letter to the church there is a statement about what overcomers will receive. Believe me, it will be worth the fight!
Be blessed! More soon ..... : )
The Bible talks a lot about not worrying, and even about taking a day at a time (see Matthew 6: 25 - 34). However I find that I often seem to take a leap forward whenever God gives me some sort of revelation - like an epiphany. This week God reminded me of another journey we'd been on together, and it really helped:
Many years ago I used to suffer from depression. It varied in its levels, but I used to feel that I was living under dark cloud most of the time. I would have an occasional brilliant day, and it would be just like the sun coming out from behind the clouds, and I would think 'At last! I am free!'. Then the clouds would come in again and life went back to 'normal' and depression.
For me the breakthrough came after I'd had my fourth, and last, child. Six pregnancies over the years had sent my already fragile hormones spiralling and had amplified everything. But I got to a point where I simply could not go on like it any longer. I prayed about what to do, and God directed me to speak to the Pastor at my church. He came round with his wife and they prayed for me. He had prayed beforehand too and both times he felt God reveal the source of the problem - in this case it was the abuse I had suffered.
God confirmed this to me during the week that followed (so many healings do take time, so be patient!), with an audible voice (a voice speaking out something significant about the abuse, confirming something the Pastor had said) and impressions. Although God only dealt with some of what had gone on in my childhood, it was sufficient to pave the way to freedom from depression.
It took quite a while to get free, probably a year or more, but it was a steady uphill climb to freedom. It took gumption and determination - I had to choose to trust and believe God on even the darkest of days, which when you're depressed is very difficult (actually when you're depressed, anything is really difficult!). But over time He set me free.
There are still occasions when the devil would seek to put it back on me again - to literally depress (to squash, push, confine, stamp on) me. But I know now that if I stand my ground, stand on God's word and His promises, he will retreat.
This week God has reminded me of this battle fought long ago, and I have felt Him impress upon me that this battle for physical health is no different. It sounds so simple, yet it is so profound - because I can look back upon that old battle and be reminded that although there may be bad days, it does not mean that the sickness is here to stay, but it is simply a tough day and it will pass. In essence, it has taken away much of the fear I had felt. I already feel so much better.
I know I have so many battles ahead of me, and I'm sure you face many too. But God has reminded me of the battles already fought and won, and assured me that this present battle and the ones ahead are no different. It takes grit, determination and getting up when all you want to do is sit down. It can be very difficult and at times takes everything you have. But it will be worth it. And :
"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1: 12
It is worth looking through the letters to the seven churches in Revelation 2 and 3 too. At the end of each letter to the church there is a statement about what overcomers will receive. Believe me, it will be worth the fight!
Be blessed! More soon ..... : )
Sunday, 8 September 2013
The Path to Healing
As promised in my last post, I have spent the rest of the week spending time with God, seeking His wisdom, praying and reading the Bible with a view to finding out how to proceed.
I had reached a point where I was thoroughly fed up with being ill and was ready to fight back, to turn the tide on constant ill health. I knew the only way to gain wisdom was to seek God about it. I think after several years of chronic ill health and many years before that of generally quite poor health, I have conclusively proved that I am unable to fix myself! But I am fed up of being 'the weak one' or 'the unreliable person who is always ill'. Honestly I used to, many years ago, enjoy the attention and rest that ill health afforded me. I am appalled to think that now. But these days I am thoroughly over it. I want to be well, not just for me but for my family too, and to be busy about the Lord's business, making a good impact on the world.
Yet again the devil decided to have a go and surpise!, surprise!, I have been unwell again. In fairness the virus that my children had been passing around hit me too. It came at the same time as my monthly period, which has always caused me problems and pain, so it was a double whammy. I was in a lot of pain and felt really very unwell at times. But it also meant that I was unable to work as planned and was therefore able to spend a little more time sitting with God and listening, something that a busy life often crowds out. Obviously God didn't orchestrate the illness, but He was able to use it for my good.
Throughout my illness I would seem to hit a point where something had to give as it was so awful, I would pray and pray with friends, then the Lord would highlight something from the past, often associated with the abuse I suffered as a child, for healing. Things would be prayed through, God would move, and I would noticeably go up a level. This has been going on for sometime, so I was suspicious that as I seemed to have hit another road block, there was yet more to uncover. I asked God this week to give me wisdom as to how to make headway.
God often speaks to me in dreams and visions. This sounds very fancy, but it is not. Dreams and visions and pictures are ways that God can speak to anyone. I sometimes wonder if He likes to speak to me this way as when I am asleep I am at least quiet and receptive! A few days ago He blessed me with another dream.
In the dream I found myself back at my old house, where I had grown up. It was very real. I was not happy to be there, but then within the dream I was able to reason with myself and say 'Hang on, this is not a dream - it's a vision! Let's see what happens.' Once I knew it wasn't real I felt safe to allow things to unfold.
I will not go into exactly what happened, as God often speaks through imagery and things don't always mean exactly what they appear to on first glance. But I felt the Lord speak to me very clearly that I was to start walking more in the ways of the Spirit and to stop 'sowing to the flesh'.
Simply put, this means that every time you want to do something, have a little think about whether you're feeding your body's appetites, or doing what God wants you to do. Sometimes for example I want to stay up late, eat some chocolate or junk food or lie in bed instead of get up. Now God wants us to enjoy life, but my body is clearly a little sensitive right now and I probably need to be a bit more disciplined about what I eat and drink and how I live. I also need to be more disciplined about what I say and what I think. The Bible clearly teaches that there is great power in both what we speak out and what we think ('As a man thinks in his heart, so is he' Proverbs 23:7 KJV) and if I'm honest I'm not always in line with God in either department!
Feeding the flesh can be as simple as eating too much chocolate, it can also obviously be something far worse. But overall I felt the Lord say that I needed to exercise more self control.
Two key scriptures about this have been:
"A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature (the flesh), from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." Galations 6: 7, 8 NIV
"A person without self-control is like a city with broken down walls." Proverbs 25: 28 NLT
I have been living for God. But I must also confess that there have been times when I have used how illness has made me feel as an excuse for bad behaviour. It makes me cranky with the kids and my husband. I have used it as an excuse for laying in bed. I have used it as an excuse for using some four letter swear words. I have used it as an excuse to satisfy my flesh and live without self-control, because I have felt I 'deserved' a treat, even if it wasn't good for me. I have also been quite self-pitying at times.
But the time has come for a focus on living with integrity and Godliness daily, in the little things as well as the large. It is time to stop allowing the devil to come in and swoop over my city walls and attack, simply because I have not exercised self-control. I don't imagine it will be easy, but I intend to try, and to let you know how I get along.
And this is just tackling illness! I know self-control will help on the money front, but we still have enormous debts that need dealing with, that need a miracle. Not to mention issues going on with the kids and the relatives that refuse to talk to us, largely because we are Christians!
If you want any further information regarding the issues mentioned above, please feel free to get in touch. But I also recommend Joyce Meyer and any of her teachings. She has a free magazine you can sign up for, as well as lots of other teaching materials. And no, I am not related and I don't get paid for advertising her wares! I've just received a lot of help from her teachings along the way.
Be blessed : ) Watch this space for more soon ....
I had reached a point where I was thoroughly fed up with being ill and was ready to fight back, to turn the tide on constant ill health. I knew the only way to gain wisdom was to seek God about it. I think after several years of chronic ill health and many years before that of generally quite poor health, I have conclusively proved that I am unable to fix myself! But I am fed up of being 'the weak one' or 'the unreliable person who is always ill'. Honestly I used to, many years ago, enjoy the attention and rest that ill health afforded me. I am appalled to think that now. But these days I am thoroughly over it. I want to be well, not just for me but for my family too, and to be busy about the Lord's business, making a good impact on the world.
Yet again the devil decided to have a go and surpise!, surprise!, I have been unwell again. In fairness the virus that my children had been passing around hit me too. It came at the same time as my monthly period, which has always caused me problems and pain, so it was a double whammy. I was in a lot of pain and felt really very unwell at times. But it also meant that I was unable to work as planned and was therefore able to spend a little more time sitting with God and listening, something that a busy life often crowds out. Obviously God didn't orchestrate the illness, but He was able to use it for my good.
Throughout my illness I would seem to hit a point where something had to give as it was so awful, I would pray and pray with friends, then the Lord would highlight something from the past, often associated with the abuse I suffered as a child, for healing. Things would be prayed through, God would move, and I would noticeably go up a level. This has been going on for sometime, so I was suspicious that as I seemed to have hit another road block, there was yet more to uncover. I asked God this week to give me wisdom as to how to make headway.
God often speaks to me in dreams and visions. This sounds very fancy, but it is not. Dreams and visions and pictures are ways that God can speak to anyone. I sometimes wonder if He likes to speak to me this way as when I am asleep I am at least quiet and receptive! A few days ago He blessed me with another dream.
In the dream I found myself back at my old house, where I had grown up. It was very real. I was not happy to be there, but then within the dream I was able to reason with myself and say 'Hang on, this is not a dream - it's a vision! Let's see what happens.' Once I knew it wasn't real I felt safe to allow things to unfold.
I will not go into exactly what happened, as God often speaks through imagery and things don't always mean exactly what they appear to on first glance. But I felt the Lord speak to me very clearly that I was to start walking more in the ways of the Spirit and to stop 'sowing to the flesh'.
Simply put, this means that every time you want to do something, have a little think about whether you're feeding your body's appetites, or doing what God wants you to do. Sometimes for example I want to stay up late, eat some chocolate or junk food or lie in bed instead of get up. Now God wants us to enjoy life, but my body is clearly a little sensitive right now and I probably need to be a bit more disciplined about what I eat and drink and how I live. I also need to be more disciplined about what I say and what I think. The Bible clearly teaches that there is great power in both what we speak out and what we think ('As a man thinks in his heart, so is he' Proverbs 23:7 KJV) and if I'm honest I'm not always in line with God in either department!
Feeding the flesh can be as simple as eating too much chocolate, it can also obviously be something far worse. But overall I felt the Lord say that I needed to exercise more self control.
Two key scriptures about this have been:
"A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature (the flesh), from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." Galations 6: 7, 8 NIV
"A person without self-control is like a city with broken down walls." Proverbs 25: 28 NLT
I have been living for God. But I must also confess that there have been times when I have used how illness has made me feel as an excuse for bad behaviour. It makes me cranky with the kids and my husband. I have used it as an excuse for laying in bed. I have used it as an excuse for using some four letter swear words. I have used it as an excuse to satisfy my flesh and live without self-control, because I have felt I 'deserved' a treat, even if it wasn't good for me. I have also been quite self-pitying at times.
But the time has come for a focus on living with integrity and Godliness daily, in the little things as well as the large. It is time to stop allowing the devil to come in and swoop over my city walls and attack, simply because I have not exercised self-control. I don't imagine it will be easy, but I intend to try, and to let you know how I get along.
And this is just tackling illness! I know self-control will help on the money front, but we still have enormous debts that need dealing with, that need a miracle. Not to mention issues going on with the kids and the relatives that refuse to talk to us, largely because we are Christians!
If you want any further information regarding the issues mentioned above, please feel free to get in touch. But I also recommend Joyce Meyer and any of her teachings. She has a free magazine you can sign up for, as well as lots of other teaching materials. And no, I am not related and I don't get paid for advertising her wares! I've just received a lot of help from her teachings along the way.
Be blessed : ) Watch this space for more soon ....
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
Insomnia (or Trying to Get Out) Part 2
Sorry it's been quite a few days since my last post. It's been the hectic activities of the end of the holidays and getting back to school. We've had the usual run of things to do for the return to school - new stationery, new shoes (almost £300 on shoes alone - I blanched somewhat!), new bags etc. But we've also had another family day out planned to a local theme park.
My youngest had seen the advert on TV and begged me to take her, and I reluctantly agreed. I then checked the prices (note to self, check cost before saying yes to anything, even if the asker does have big, beautiful eyes!). Granted it was rather cheaper than other larger theme parks, but still at nearly £140, plus petrol and dog care, it was one very expensive day out.
It was planned for last Wednesday. Time was booked off work, dog sitter organised, I managed to sleep. Then my youngest woke with a temperature that had been lingering since the butterfly trip on Monday. It was a very hot day and we made the reluctant decision to postpone until Friday. We rearranged work, we rearranged the dog sitter.
Thursday night I was tired and headachey, so cancelled a planned prayer meet with a friend. We made another picnic. We got everything ready. We dosed up our youngest with paracetamol to ensure a good night's sleep temperature free. We prayed. I went to bed early. All looked great, until ....
1 a.m. ...., 2 a.m. ...., 3, 4, 5 a.m. .... and still no sleep. I prayed. I soaked in His presence. I was desperate. And nothing happened except what felt like a constant stream of adrenalin pouring through my veins. I tell you, I've only had a couple of night's of no sleep. I can totally understand why someone with Michael Jackson's means sought the pharmaceutical help that he did, sadly with such tragic consequences. He must have been desperate.
At 5.15 a.m. I got up, had breakfast and started the ironing. My youngest duly appeared and still had a temperature, so we couldn't have gone anyway, but my frustration levels were high, as was my disappointment. Then followed a morning of stressy texts and calls from people about various issues, and a lingering migraine left over from the night before. The devil knows how to kick you when you're down.
So, we rearranged yet again for Sunday. And praise God we actually managed it. I must confess that Saturday night the same thing started to happen - doing all the right things, but no sleep. So at 2.30 a.m. I got up and searched out some medication I'd been given when I was really unwell a year ago. I hate taking it as it can affect my body quite a lot, and not always in a good way. But I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to take it, and prayed God's blessing on it and not only did it help me sleep, but I felt well enough to enjoy our day out and it kept me going, with only a slight come down yesterday.
The children thankfully had no temperatures, although by now my eldest felt a bit off colour : ( But we all enjoyed it, even my poor husband who had to go on lots of ghastly rides twice, as I refused on health grounds, so he went on with each of the youngest, one after another. He looked a little green tinged after the first ride twice in a row, but he steadily acclimatised!
Do I know why I have had such a struggle to go on such simple days out, or why I've been so ill, or why the devil robs me of sleep when I need it most? No, I do not. But I do believe he comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10), and he has managed a lot of that in my life.
I've been robbed of my childhood, I've been robbed of stability and love growing up, I've been robbed of joy and peace, of health, happiness and prosperity. I am now consistently being robbed of sleep. I've been robbed, robbed, robbed. Like Gandalf thrusting his staff to the ground and saying 'You shall not pass!' in Lord of the Rings, and like the Lord saying to the waves of the sea 'This far you may come, and no farther' (Job 38: 11), I feel the Spirit rising up within. It is no good simply being able to 'make it through' days out and social events and life - things that are supposed to be enjoyable - by taking pharmaceuticals, and living in fear of the next day trip or cancellation. This has to change.
I am convinced by what I have read in the Bible, and other Christian books and teaching materials that: God loves me and He wants to prosper me and my family in every way. The flip side of the devil coming to steal, kill and destroy, is that Jesus comes that we might have life, and life in all its abundance and to the full (John 10: 10)!
If for no other reason than to help others and show them there is a way through the mess to 'the Promised Land' I am committed to write this blog, search out answers and make it to the other side. I know life will never be problem free - I am not seeking to achieve that. But I am seeking health, financial freedom and the joy of living out God's plans for me and seeing the same happen in my family, my friends and beyond. It is possible. I will get there.
I am going to spend the rest of this week seeking God about how to start tackling things and what to tackle first, and then share with you all over the weekend the God-inspired plan of action. And then let's see His wondrous plan start to unfold ....
I hope you will join me on this journey. I plan to do a Facebook page soon, and perhaps even start on Twitter. Feel free to drop me a line direct to the email at the top of the page, comment on any posts or click 'follow' if you want regular updates sent direct. I'd love to hear from you. And if you're struggling too, in any way at all, know that God loves you, He knows all about you (and He still loves you more than you can imagine) and He has a plan for your rescue, and I'm praying that you find all three to be true in your circumstances and life. God bless : )
My youngest had seen the advert on TV and begged me to take her, and I reluctantly agreed. I then checked the prices (note to self, check cost before saying yes to anything, even if the asker does have big, beautiful eyes!). Granted it was rather cheaper than other larger theme parks, but still at nearly £140, plus petrol and dog care, it was one very expensive day out.
It was planned for last Wednesday. Time was booked off work, dog sitter organised, I managed to sleep. Then my youngest woke with a temperature that had been lingering since the butterfly trip on Monday. It was a very hot day and we made the reluctant decision to postpone until Friday. We rearranged work, we rearranged the dog sitter.
Thursday night I was tired and headachey, so cancelled a planned prayer meet with a friend. We made another picnic. We got everything ready. We dosed up our youngest with paracetamol to ensure a good night's sleep temperature free. We prayed. I went to bed early. All looked great, until ....
1 a.m. ...., 2 a.m. ...., 3, 4, 5 a.m. .... and still no sleep. I prayed. I soaked in His presence. I was desperate. And nothing happened except what felt like a constant stream of adrenalin pouring through my veins. I tell you, I've only had a couple of night's of no sleep. I can totally understand why someone with Michael Jackson's means sought the pharmaceutical help that he did, sadly with such tragic consequences. He must have been desperate.
At 5.15 a.m. I got up, had breakfast and started the ironing. My youngest duly appeared and still had a temperature, so we couldn't have gone anyway, but my frustration levels were high, as was my disappointment. Then followed a morning of stressy texts and calls from people about various issues, and a lingering migraine left over from the night before. The devil knows how to kick you when you're down.
So, we rearranged yet again for Sunday. And praise God we actually managed it. I must confess that Saturday night the same thing started to happen - doing all the right things, but no sleep. So at 2.30 a.m. I got up and searched out some medication I'd been given when I was really unwell a year ago. I hate taking it as it can affect my body quite a lot, and not always in a good way. But I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to take it, and prayed God's blessing on it and not only did it help me sleep, but I felt well enough to enjoy our day out and it kept me going, with only a slight come down yesterday.
The children thankfully had no temperatures, although by now my eldest felt a bit off colour : ( But we all enjoyed it, even my poor husband who had to go on lots of ghastly rides twice, as I refused on health grounds, so he went on with each of the youngest, one after another. He looked a little green tinged after the first ride twice in a row, but he steadily acclimatised!
Do I know why I have had such a struggle to go on such simple days out, or why I've been so ill, or why the devil robs me of sleep when I need it most? No, I do not. But I do believe he comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10), and he has managed a lot of that in my life.
I've been robbed of my childhood, I've been robbed of stability and love growing up, I've been robbed of joy and peace, of health, happiness and prosperity. I am now consistently being robbed of sleep. I've been robbed, robbed, robbed. Like Gandalf thrusting his staff to the ground and saying 'You shall not pass!' in Lord of the Rings, and like the Lord saying to the waves of the sea 'This far you may come, and no farther' (Job 38: 11), I feel the Spirit rising up within. It is no good simply being able to 'make it through' days out and social events and life - things that are supposed to be enjoyable - by taking pharmaceuticals, and living in fear of the next day trip or cancellation. This has to change.
I am convinced by what I have read in the Bible, and other Christian books and teaching materials that: God loves me and He wants to prosper me and my family in every way. The flip side of the devil coming to steal, kill and destroy, is that Jesus comes that we might have life, and life in all its abundance and to the full (John 10: 10)!
If for no other reason than to help others and show them there is a way through the mess to 'the Promised Land' I am committed to write this blog, search out answers and make it to the other side. I know life will never be problem free - I am not seeking to achieve that. But I am seeking health, financial freedom and the joy of living out God's plans for me and seeing the same happen in my family, my friends and beyond. It is possible. I will get there.
I am going to spend the rest of this week seeking God about how to start tackling things and what to tackle first, and then share with you all over the weekend the God-inspired plan of action. And then let's see His wondrous plan start to unfold ....
I hope you will join me on this journey. I plan to do a Facebook page soon, and perhaps even start on Twitter. Feel free to drop me a line direct to the email at the top of the page, comment on any posts or click 'follow' if you want regular updates sent direct. I'd love to hear from you. And if you're struggling too, in any way at all, know that God loves you, He knows all about you (and He still loves you more than you can imagine) and He has a plan for your rescue, and I'm praying that you find all three to be true in your circumstances and life. God bless : )
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