The Path Ahead

Well, for some who read this it will already be 2014, so may I be amongst the first to wish you all a very Happy New Year! I pray for us all that it will be a great year. When praying about the year ahead I felt two things from the Lord:

First of all I felt Him give me three words: Prosperous (this is not just financially, but an abundance in every way), Productive and Healthy.

I also saw a picture (God sometimes gives pictures and visions to people as a way of speaking to them about various things) of abundant and lush, rolling green hills. In the foreground there was a veranda, like a patio at the back of a villa. It was beautiful and sunny, such a beautiful, lush light. And there was a huge honeycomb, dripping with rich, golden honey.

I have yet to receive the full revelation from God as to what this means, but honey is often spoken of in the Bible in a good way (see Proverbs 16:24, Proverbs 24:13, Psalm 19:10, Song of Solomon 4:11). The Promised Land, which God led His people to was spoken of as a land flowing in milk and honey (Exodus 33:3). Honey was a major part of John the Baptist's diet - he lived off honey and locusts (Mark 1:6). This is probably because honey is such a complete food, only really lacking in protein, which would have been provided by the locusts. Honeycomb was also given to Jesus when he asked for food from his disciples, after his resurrection (Luke 24:42).

So honey does really speak of God's Word, goodness, completeness, sustenance and abundance, amongst other things. I also have a friend to whom the Lord gave a picture of a beautiful golden honey-like substance, and God told her that it was His Kingdom - His blessings, help and essentially heaven, coming down onto earth to bless us. I therefore feel confident in taking the picture as a good sign, a sign of blessings to come.

Christmas has been good, and a lovely break from routine, but it has also brought great challenges. Many unexpected bills and other claims on resources came in just before or during the Christmas period. We have also had some work for our return to work in January cancelled. And I have several large bills awaiting payment as soon as we return to school and work next week. And well, our financial resources will be at zero after a food shop this weekend.

I have been a little saddened that I am not as far along as I would like in terms of my security being in God instead of in work and my bank balance. I do feel greatly encouraged that I am much, much improved, but the lack of work lined up and the lack of financial security has caused me to worry much more than I would like and am sure it has contributed to my feeling rather unwell. I have had a nasty virus which has rather dominated the last week and made me feel most flu-like, and I am now back on quite a lot of medication to function reasonably well. But I can look back to see how far I have come, and that God has always provided work and resource, most recently in the lead up to Christmas (most miraculously), and I do my best to walk forward looking to God and not to circumstance. And I pray that as always He will accept my meagre offering of trust and bless me with a flow of hope, faith and peace.

There have been other pressures too. Seeing my Mum is always a little challenging. As with my Dad, our relationship has never been very good and there is never an 'I love you' or voluntary hugs. I think because of a difficult upbringing she is emotionally very stilted and can be quite cold. This was accentuated when an issue came up a couple of years ago, and in delicately trying to sort things out she started ranting at me over anything I have ever done that has upset her. Despite great efforts and much prayer things never really were resolved. When I spend time with her now I find it hard not to drown in a mixture of regret of how things could be, loss, frustration and pity. I struggle to cling to hope. But at least we do see her.

Christmas also sadly highlights a far worse family situation with my husband's brother and sister-in-law. We have a very minor disagreement about 12 years ago, and despite our valiant efforts to make things right they took it upon themselves to list to us all the things they didn't like about us. We forgave and carried on loving them, and apart from a brief respite where things seemed to improve, they have become more and more vicious in their treatment of us.

We had felt things resolved at one point and had had some great conversations with them, but then when we bumped into them they spoke to my husband but ignored me and our children (their nieces and nephews). I would walk into a room to say hello and they would walk out. Last Christmas at my husband's mother's request my husband called his brother up to try and resolve things, and he was told that his brother and wife had decided they didn't like us, they hated that we were Christians, they didn't like our personalities or anything about us and ultimately wanted to spend no time with us and were not ever willing to be in the same room as us. I can honestly say that this is in spite of us continuing to love them and their children (the loss of my relationship with them was a heartbreaking wound that plagued me for years, and has only recently been made a bit better by God). To feel so strongly about someone that you cannot stand to be in the same room as them is akin to hatred. It takes some effort to feel so strongly.

Each Christmas there seems to be a hole in our lives as we do not get to see them or our niece and nephew whom we love very much, yet we hear of them from family members who do visit. And I have never had an opportunity to explain the situation to them, or even speak of what has gone on or defend myself. And it hurts.

It is a constant challenge for me, with both my Mum and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law to 'turn the other cheek' as the Bible urges and to 'love those that hate you'. Humanly I'd like to have it out with them all, because they are missing out on such blessings and joys, but I know it is no use. I believe that the difficulties lie in them all not forgiving things and being offended with us, and as a result the devil has been allowed to come in and wreak havoc. I find it hard to hold onto hope in these situations, I really do. But hope I must, or I run the risk of allowing the devil to come in and wreak havoc with me too. And in the meantime I thank God for what I do have. I may have lost a niece and nephew for example, but I do have the blessing of two sons and two daughters! And although having four children is hard work, I know such love and blessing in my life as a result of having them all.

So as you can see, Christmas has been a time of ups and downs. A time of concern, heartache and illness, but also a time of blessing and much needed rest. This is well illustrated by the result of a Christmas storm on our fence:

We lost seven panels in all - even this one is now fully down!

It will take a while to save to replace all the panels, as seven panels came down in all, and we already have so many demands on finance that we don't have yet. But like the fence we may be down at times, but praise Jesus we are not out! With God there is always hope!

A path in my garden illustrating the lack of time I've had to spend on my own garden!

As you can see my garden is sadly needed much attention. But I feel it illustrates our journey through life with God. Sometimes all goes well and life is peachy, and we feel close to Him. But even when the way ahead is full of weeds, and overgrown, or difficult to see and navigate - He is also there, if not closer than before. It is sometimes just that we are focusing on the path and not on Him.

I read recently in a Joyce Meyer book, that God said to her that He would not bless and grow her ministry all the time her focus and security was in how well it/ she was doing and not on God. God said to her something along the lines of 'Anything that you need besides Me is something the devil can use against you'. How profound! Perhaps that is the work God is doing in me - making sure my reliance and dependence is not in how much work is booked in or how much money is in the bank, but in Him so that the devil cannot use these things that God intends to bless me, against me.

I am so aware as we enter the New Year that I have so much to learn and so far to go. But I am aware now of how far I have come and that I am still standing, albeit with God's help! And I hold onto the picture of the dripping honeycomb and those words of hope: Prosperous, Productive and Healthy.

A blessing of love from the UK to you!

My clever daughter who clearly has more time on her hands/ more time to do her hands than I do, gave herself a very British makeover with Union Jack nails this Christmas. But sat here in my messy dining room in southern England, knowing that this blog with travel far further than I, know that I pray God's hope and blessing to all who come across this, now and into 2014. Life is difficult, but with God's help I know we will see all those difficulties smoothed out, in His timing.

God bless, and Happy New Year! : )

Merry Christmas!

Well the special day is finally here! And I can confirm it has been a great success! Hooray!

Christmases past have been an interesting bunch for me. I had never been very good with special occasions, be it birthdays, Christmas or other days, but I can only credit it to God that lately I have been able to enjoy 'special' days with as much joy and enthusiasm as everyone else. It was all associated with my childhood and history, but it would seem that the healing God has wrought within me has changed that for good. I had actually been anticipating today a great deal.

Yesterday evening things were looking slightly dodgier. In order to meet the financial demands of Christmas and some other large bills due just before, my husband and I have been working morning, noon and night. So we have both been really quite exhausted. Monday night we stayed up until 2 a.m. wrapping Christmas gifts (as we cannot do it with the children around), so we were even more tired. I had been fighting off a sore throat and flu like symptoms which were getting worse, and then my youngest son went down with a really nasty virus and just couldn't keep his temperature down.

Last night we were all due round to the in-laws for our usual Christmas Eve reading of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas', but sadly my son and I had to stay home as we both felt dreadful - temperatures, shivers and my son couldn't even keep medicine down. Then last night very pitifully he said 'Mummy, I am going to be ill for Christmas!' and started to cry : (

So I prayed. And once again, knowing I couldn't do anything about it, I did my best to trust.

Praise God, he slept well and has felt great all day! What a triumph! I actually slept appallingly, in part as the devil was trying to scare me with fears about money, as we are off work and not earning for two weeks, which is unheard of, and have bills to pay early in January. But I have felt quite well, been able to join in, and even walk the dog today! Both our recoveries could of course be excused as just 'one of those things', but I am convinced, due to our rapid improvements and incredible energy, that it must be God. His Christmas gift (amongst so many others) to us.

Speaking of which here is a beautiful Christmas gift I received from my lovely husband today:

My lovely poinsettia with Christmas candles : )

This Christmas we have been able to give the kids what they hoped for, and I was even able to purchase something for my husband that he has longed for, for a long time, that so far had eluded us. It was a complete surprise and I've been bursting about it for weeks, but have had to learn how to keep a straight face!

But it isn't about gifts. The gifts only mean so much because they are markers to me. Markers that perhaps some of the hardest years are over and that, I believe, the best years are ahead. And after having had so many times with nothing, and after running out of food and money right before Christmas just a few short years ago, we can truly see how far the Lord has brought us. It is the same with my health - the improvements are vast. It is the same with family relationships - we have had so much very major stresses over the years that we have not all got along quite so well and quite so readily as we do now. My marriage has not always been so stable and loving and appreciated - again largely because of external pressures. But this year I can truly appreciate it all. We are well (I have a ways to go, but am so very close now), we are together, we have plenty, we have been able to bless each other and others, and the Lord has stepped in and made us well just last night.

It's funny - Christmas is all about Jesus' birth - how God himself came to earth to rescue us from the penalty of the wrong things we've done and take the punishment on our behalf so we can enter into relationship with Him and be loved, be happy and be freed from all that would seek to bind us and damage us. But yet, He is the one who continues to give to us, rather than us give to Him.

This can be seen in the folk story attached to the humble poinsettia plant:

"The plant's association with Christmas began in 16th century Mexico, where legend tells of a girl who was too poor to provide a gift for the celebration of Jesus' birthday. The tale goes that the child was inspired by an angel to gather weeds from the roadside and place them in front of the church altar. Crimson "blossoms" sprouted from the weeds and became beautiful poinsettias." From Poinsettia on Wikipedia.

It is the same today. God still loves nothing more for us to come to Him as we are: humble, dirty, poor, ignorant, lost. He takes our weeds and He grows our lives into beautiful blossoms, for His glory. Why? because he is crazy in love with us, as hard as that is to believe. Why does the Almighty God love messed-up little beings like us? Because He is love, and He made us because He wanted to have friendship and relationship with us. Not to punish, or to judge, but to pick us up, clean us up, and if we let Him, to turn us into something beautiful.

God is sure doing it in my life. Yes, it does seem slower than I'd like at times, but He has a plan and perfect timing, and I am now convinced that my future is very bright.

This Christmas has truly been one to remember, for all the right reasons. I hope and pray yours is too.

Merry Christmas. May you believe His love for you this Christmas season.

MIA Part 2

Well, so much for trying to post twice a week! I can only apologise for my long absence and cite extenuating circumstances.

From memory last time I posted work was beginning to slacken off and I was mildly concerned, especially as we had stepped out in faith (basically we were worried, but prayed about it and felt God say it was OK) and agreed to allow our daughter go on the school skiing trip, and the large balance was due, just when I was trying to purchase Christmas presents. Either the ski balance or Christmas would be a major ask, but to have both due at the same time, and then for work to run out, well, it was a test of my trust in God.

I did have some wobbles, I must be honest. Money was tight, and  we also had our eldest's birthday looming which meant both a party and present on top of a seemingly impossible draw on our funds. Then my husband broke a tooth, requiring rather a lot of money to repair, then I needed an expensive trip to the dentist. And did I mention one of car's broke down and I also had quite a run of bad health?

One day I felt so stressed that I'm afraid I lost my temper with someone. It was returning home from a school pick up and the woman in front of me started driving insanely, then stopped her car and got out and started verbally abusing me. The devil knows how to push our buttons! And I am sad to admit I lost my temper and offered her some not very child friendly advice! But it was a real epiphany, because I quickly realised that I had to be able to keep my cool even when under great pressure, be it a mad woman, ill health, finances, all of the above or something else. I need to be more consistent in my behaviour and really, be a better representative of God - after all if I wouldn't behave like it in front of Jesus or the vicar, then I should probably adjust my attitude and behaviour.

I have also been trying to maintain a more positive attitude and thought life and can confirm that it really does seem to make a difference in circumstances and have a direct effect on my health. The more positive thinking and trusting in God I do, the more my health seems to improve.

I had had quite a run of ill health. I was starting to feel like I'd never properly improve. I'm not sure why, or whether it was a test for moving onto the next level of health, but it does feel like moving up steps and seeing overall a good gradual improvement, because I have been on the whole far better in recent weeks. I have had some more difficult days, but I've also had some days where I have felt really very well, and that for me is a miracle, especially considering what we've been up to.

When work slowed we put out a prayer request to close friends, and we were almost run out of work completely, but then it got suddenly very, very busy! Work for me had almost run out, but I've had work to do and have been out on the job a lot more. We've also been working morning, afternoon and out working evenings too.

On top of that I've had to be really on top of finances to make sure customers are paid up and bills are fine. I've had to organise Christmas, purchase all the gifts, ensure they've all arrived, write Christmas cards, thank all our customers, organise food for the festive season, organise a birthday party for my eldest, take her out shopping for new clothes as a birthday treat, and still keep on top of the house, homework and everything else. My husband and I have regularly got to bed at midnight and then we need to unwind to get to sleep, before getting up and getting going again the next day.

Last weekend was also the party, so we had a house full of teenagers from Saturday morning to Sunday lunchtime, then a few hours off before going out to watch one of my kids in the Nativity at church Sunday evening (It was the funniest nativity I've ever seen, with a six foot tall teenage boy pretending to be a sheep and saying 'baa' in a very depressed way in all the wrong places, amongst other things. And there was a great rendition of 'Little Donkey' advising Mary and Joseph to follow Health and Safety regulations that seem to dominate our country at times). So we didn't even get any 'down' time (but we did get a good laugh), or time just to vegetate last weekend and I felt like a nomad in my own home because I had to largely keep out of the way of all the teenagers (as I am not 'cool' enough to be around!).

But, this is not a moan (for once!). I am writing of how much we have had on in terms of time, effort and financially, and spoken about my health issues, because I look back at all we have been able to do and all that has been achieved and paid for (no credit cards, all paid for) and I am frankly, stunned. God has been so good! To get so much achieved, and to feel so reasonably well, is incredible.

We are feeling it though - we are only human! I am sat in my thermal trousers and top as I cannot get warm, because I am so tired, and my poor husband is still out working even though he felt really quite rough today. But what God has achieved through us, and how He has kept us going and helped us at every turn, is just amazing. I can truly sit down this Christmas, with my family, and be very, very thankful.

But even as I write this I am aware that so many others in the world have so much more real struggles than I. Those in the Philippines trying to rebuild, with no homes, no possessions, no health care and little or no food. Syrian refugees who live in tents in the snow because that's all they have. The homeless who have no shelter from the storms we have had in the UK. Those who suffer with much more urgent problems. My prayer, after my prayers of thanks for how God has helped me, must be that the Lord would equip me to be able to go out and help others. This is scriptural: "3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinithians 1: 3 - 4.

I pray that you will know God's peace and His very real love and help with whatever you need this Christmas time.

Hopefully it won't be half so long before I can post again, and apologise once again for the long delay. This time, I was MIA because of good, busy things - something to celebrate! God bless : ) 

Breaking Through

Well, it's proving to be another challenging week, with our faith and trust being stretched once again.

I had a pretty poor weekend overall with my health very poor and unable to do much. I managed to work through it on Monday as it was my one day of scheduled work this week. I felt I needed to push on as we could do with the money - actual paid work has almost dried up for me at the moment, which has obviously affected our income greatly.

Yesterday and today I have at least slept better and been able to sleep in. But I have had the return of almost constant nausea and inability to eat, plus zero energy and almost constant niggling migraine and feeling pretty awful. It has been like a return to the 'bad old days'. I was due to meet up with a friend tomorrow, but like the friend I was supposed to meet last Friday I have had to cancel. I am so used to cancelling now that I am almost resigned to it. I recognise that it is beyond my control, but it still feels like a defeat and I'm constantly aware that I'm letting someone down. And the ill health and constant cancellations do seem to take their toll, not helped by a lack of energy as I cannot eat.

On top of this I sat down with my husband last night and we went through his diary to plan work, and it became apparent that the week after next he had run out of work. There were a couple of days planned in for that week, but nothing more. We do have people asking for quotes for various things, but one we cannot get hold of now and the others will take time to go and look before quoting, and then time for the potential customers to consider. Obviously when self-employed no work = no money, and with the prospect of Christmas and additional time off without pay over Christmas, things are looking a little rough.

So, on the face of it, things are pretty difficult, healthwise, financially and work, as well as a number of other things going on at the moment to do with the children and family.

It is at times like this that I am so grateful that I have God to turn to. I don't have all the answers, but I know He does. The Bible says that He is our heavenely Father, our Dad, our Papa. The Bible also speaks of God as caring for us like a Mother. For me that still presents difficulties in trust and receiving and believing His love, because of experiences with my own very human, very broken parents. But I believe with all my heart that these present situations we face are not only an opportunity for us to step out in trust, holding His hand, but also opportunities for God to show us how much He truly does love and care for us.

I read recently about Chuck Yeager, the first pilot to break the sound barrier. Apparently others had tried before but the plane began to shake so much as it approached the sound barrier that they all finally drew back in fear it would break up. Yeager succeeded because when he reached that stage of shaking, noise and fear, he pushed through, believing that if he broke through the sound barrier the shaking and vibration would stop. He was right. After breaking through the barrier, and probably his own fear, peace reigned!

God has spoken to me so much through this example. All my life I have felt the desire to push for better. This extends to my Christian life. I do not want to simply be healed of what is going on right now, but I want to be the healthiest person you have ever met, whose health is completely dependable, constant and reliable. I do not want to simply be debt free and prosperous financially, or ticking over in business, but I want to be so prosperous that I do not have to ever think of, or be concerned about finance, ever again. I want businesses that prosper, but also bless people all over the world, point them to God and are globally succesful. And so on ...

I realise that these things take a little longer to break into, than simpler more straighforward prayer requests. And with the responsibility that would come with so much blessing, I need to have a deeper foundation with God to be able to handle it.

So, even though everything around me is shaking, and sometimes I too shake and quake a little with fear of what may be around the corner, I am pressing through the vibrations and fear to the peace beyond. I am planting my seed of faith, as small as it may be, into God, trusting that we will reap healing, provision and prosperity. (Luke 13: 18 - 19; Mark 4: 30 - 32; Matthew 13: 31 - 32; Luke 17: 6). And as the Bible says, I have to choose to walk by faith and not by what I can see going on around me (2 Corinithians 5: 7), because for me there is no other way. The only other option would be to worry, and what good would that do me? Instead I choose to trust, to the best of my ability, and wait for God's deliverance.

Having said all that, last night I was very tired and had to plan next week's meals and do a food shop whilst unable to eat and feeling nauseous and awful. It was difficult. Plus I was tired. So I had a wobble. I was OK until my husband, recognising I was quiet, offered a cuddle. Then I had a bit of a cry. It did help though. I am, after all, only human and have to have moments from time to time.

But even I can see how blessed I am to be able to purchase food, to be able to know where the next meal is coming from (believe me, I have had times where I haven't known and had no money at all), and to have a husband who offers cuddles. Having had times where I have lacked all those things I remain very grateful.

I will seek to update the blog as God moves in all these situations. But for all those who face uncertainty, difficulty or problems, especially in this Thanksgiving season and as we approach Christmas, I pray you will be able to 'break through' to a place where you know God's peace and His provision and love. Christmas, after all, is the biggest miracle and expression of love, of all.

With love, prayers and blessings : )

PS: Before I could upost this I had to pop out and do the school run. When coming back with 5 children in the car we passed through a 30 miles per hour zone. I was caught up in conversation and therefore driving at very slightly over 30 miles per hour. It was only then that I noticed the policeman with the speed camera, and realised that my momentary lapse of concentration has probably cost me £80 - £90 and a day out at a speed awareness course, or £60, 3 points on my license and increased insurance. At the same time I got a very stressful text from someone I do the occasional lift share to and from children's activities with. Yay! More shaking and pressure, but hopefully soon I will break through to peace ... : )

A Meaningful Life or Cory Monteith

I apologise for the lack of posts of late. It has been a challenging time and I've not been up to posting much. Sometimes because of acute busyness and a lot on my plate, sometimes because my body has had enough and I have to crash. I can see things are generally heading in an upward trend, for which I am so grateful, and I must keep trusting that things will continue to go that way. In fact I do believe with all my heart that overall I will see improvements, progress and a positive outlook in every way. I just have to hang onto that when the challenges come.

The week began last weekend when it was one of my children's birthdays. For me that meant people coming over to visit. No big deal really in the grand scheme of things, but for me a real challenge. I used to clean and tidy my house top to bottom every weekend when I was first married, but as we had more children and we attempted more home improvements, things started to slide. And then, since being unwell for the past two years so that even the essentials became a challenge - well, you can imagine the mess. It seems as soon as I tidy one area or put one load of things away, somebody will get out a whole load more. And its not helped by a lack of consistent health or ability to tackle it. It isn't at hoarding level, unable to get through a room, but in my eyes it is really awful. I have learnt to switch off from it a little, as when I'm unwell or really time constrained there is very little I can do about it, but deep down it does bother me.

So, last weekend, instead of doing something useful like trying to complete a bathroom which has taken 18 months so far (I see light at the end of the tunnel, but it is a standing joke now that we'll never complete it, and it has all but demolished my hope of achieving anything more in the house - and believe me, there is a lot to do!), we had a big tidy up session. This was closely followed by all day doing birthday type things and the following day entertaining. One of the guests was my Mum, which in itself is a challenge. I love her, I long for a relationship with her, but she's been damaged by her early years and well, lets just say she is very challenging.

The week continued with a long session at the dentist on Monday, as toothache had developed, to which I had to take my youngest two as their school was closed for the day. Sitting in a chair, being drilled in two teeth whilst your kids sit on the floor and get steadily louder ... well, it was another challenge. That was followed by shopping with them. I was pretty tired when I got home.

Tuesday I got to have lunch with a good friend. It was lovely and I really enjoyed it. But I'd not slept well for the past four or five days and was starting to feel a bit unwell. Going out to eat is also one of my biggest challenges as it's one of the places I repeatedly fell unwell most regularly. I must confess I find it really hard that even events that I am looking forward to bring out such a strong stress response in my body that I cannot control no matter what. I am further along than I was, but I still find that I have to throw myself on the Lord and ask Him to sustain me and give me strength as I feel almost completely helpless. It exemplifies my ongoing battle with frustration!

Wednesday and Thursday were difficult mornings as on both days I had to meet with psychologists regarding my sons. On Wednesday I had to get to the Dr's early to collect my eldest son and take him to school after a scheduled appointment with a psychologist to help him with ongoing anxiety issues related to recently spotted Autism/ Aspergers and Autistic traits/ tendencies. However, when I turned up I was asked in for an extended (and unexpected) chat.

The following morning (Thursday) I had a very involved meeting with a team of educational psychologists to see how my youngest son can be helped to achieve as much as possible in his education despite Autism/ Aspergers.

Both meetings were involved and exhausting. They are hard because these days so much emphasis seems to be put upon parents to make decisions. What do I think? What are the most pertinent issues? How do I feel they would be best helped?Although I am really pleased to have such an input and involvement, we are there at these meetings because we are obviously not equipped to deal with the issues facing our children and we have therefore sought expert opinion. I therefore do not wish to be bombarded with questions - I am there instead for answers!

It also cannot be underestimated just how hard it is as a Mum (especially a tired, under the weather, not sleeping very well Mum) to sit in a room listening to people talk about just how challenging and anxiety ridden the world is for your child. I sat there on Thursday morning, both grateful for the help and advice being offered, but yet feeling so fragile and small, suddenly aware of how 'different' (I like to think 'unique' : ) ) my son is. I was a little overwhelmed, to say the least!

After all the fun of the week I started to get yet another migraine. Thankfully I had been to the Dr's the day before to see if he could prescribe some different medication to deal with migraines. He had. I had asked the Dr if it would make me feel drowsy. 'Oh no,' he'd replied. 'They're very effective at being able to stop migraines in their tracks.' 'Fabulous,' I thought. I took one of these new tablets just before my husband took our eldest out for the evening. It didn't make me feel drowsy - instead I wondered if perhaps I was dying. It brought on the most peculiar and unpleasant symptoms I've ever had from a tablet and was rendered completely useless, sprawled on the sofa, inanimate. I felt so sick I was reaching for a bucket, but unable to communicate properly with anyone. Very scary! Thankfully it wore off after about an hour and a half and I could speak again, but I still feel a bit wobbly from it today. I suppose, looking on the bright side, my headache did go!

Yesterday despite feeling a bit wobbly after a stressful week and the tablet episode I did go to work. Work has dropped off rather a lot at the moment, and therefore my hours have reduced. My husband's hours are also less as much of the work is still outside and as we're on daylight saving the day ends about 4pm when it is dark. We are therefore noticing a big reduction in cash flow, just before Christmas and a large payout for a ski trip for our eldest (which we said she could go on in faith, believing God would provide).

Today, Saturday, I hoped to garden. But I had a rotten night's sleep again and after the full on week, my body said 'No more!' and refused to function. I've felt wobblier than I have for ages. But then I look back and I realise, is it any wonder? Every day, every week, is full of challenges for me. I used to take for granted so many things, like popping out with a friend, doing the school run or simply having an appetite. No all those things present often mountainous challenges. I used to be grateful for my four healthy in every way children, yet in the course of a year my eldest has had full on emotional issues, both sons have been discovered to probably be Autistic or have Aspergers, and my youngest has possibly got mild dyslexia. Add onto that a difficult Mum, other serious wider family issues, healing from abuse, long term ill health, debt and financial pressures and running a home and two businesses and I realise that no wonder life can be a challenge or wear me out so much. But I also realise, so very very clearly now that if it were not for God I would not be able to stand it or cope.

Even in the mess God was there: Monday I'd had little sleep the night before, yet after prayer I felt surprisingly good all day and the dentist refused to charge me anything for the repairs! Tuesday, with God's help, I could manage my symptoms and still enjoy time with my friend and encourage her to pursue her dreams.Wednesday and Thursday I was able to pray in the car and talk over my fears, hopes and concerns for my children with my heavenly Dad, and know His peace despite feeling so small and overwhelmed. Thursday evening even whilst experiencing such horrible side effects of medication designed to help, even though trapped inside my body once again, I knew it would pass and I would be OK. Friday God kept me going so I could earn some money and, considering, I didn't feel too bad.

And He's with me now. My life is a complete pickle in so many ways, yet I know He will somehow make sense of it.

I asked God this week about my illness and why he'd allowed me to get ill. I felt Him say as quick as a flash, 'Because it gave you something specific to fight'. Is this illness from Him? No. But has He used it for my benefit? Yes, most definitely. I would not be where I am, as internally healed and put together or as close to Him as I am, without it. It has given me something specific to fight against and has brought about substantial inner healing from trauma and related issues. The illness was intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done. (Genesis 50: 20)

I could see that idea at work this week in my garden. We have an acer whose leaves go the most beautiful red when the sun shines on them.

However, if the tree is to be beautiful next year too, and bring forth new life, those leaves must wither and fall, until the tree is bare.

It is the same principal in our lives. If new life is to come forth, then the old things must pass away to make room.

In so many ways my life may seem a little hopeless, a little fruitless, and perhaps a little barren. But ...

This afternoon as I took some time out to recover from the heavy week I sat and watched the TV series Glee with my two girls. We love the singing mainly and the silliness of it. But today it was serious. It was the episode where they said goodbye to one of the main characters Finn, played by the actor Cory Monteith who sadly died of a drugs overdose earlier this year. It was so sad. It breaks my heart that someone so young, so gifted, felt they needed drugs to get by. I understand addiction and have dealt with it myself (although not with drugs), and I understand what it is to feel broken and in need of being fixed. And now I know what it is to be made whole. If only Cory had known the same.

But it made me realise, ultimately all any of us want is a meaningful life. We want to leave a legacy behind when we die. We want to be remembered (and not for an unintentional mistake, like an accidental overdose). We want to leave the world better for us having been here ...

Years ago I felt God speak to me of some dreams and plans for my life - better than anything I could have conjured up or imagined. After much prayer and meditation I received the dreams as being from God. But since then anything but those dreams have occurred, in fact the complete opposite! It's like circumstances have pulled me far away from those visions. But in the same way that the beautiful acer makes way for new growth my letting go, I realise I must also let go.

I have striven to make my dreams come true, but I cannot. They are God's plans and visions for me. I need to focus on getting better and doing the things I love. I need to release it all to Him. I need to be a Mum, and a wife and have a relationship with God, trusting Him daily for everything. Then I can look after the businesses and write and perhaps one day, in God's timing, move towards the dreams again, perhaps even catapult towards them when the time is right.

But when you push too hard you can have a Cory Monteith : ( Instead I need to hold out my hand again, try to maintain my posture of trust in Him and just take it a day at a time.

New growth is coming. But it's in His timing.

Today I pray for all those who perhaps suffer with long term illness, or the illness of addiction as Cory did. And I pray instead of being overwhelmed, people would know that there is One who would seek to pull them from the mire and the depths, clean them up and make them whole again. And on the way to wholeness will be beside you everyday (even if you can't always feel Him), no matter what.

And for those who perhaps don't need as much fixing, who are a bit more 'together' than I am/ have been, I pray that you will get to know God anyway, for the one true love of your life and as the one who will give your life true meaning.

Hopefully it won't be so long before I am able to blog again! Have a great week and God bless : )

MIA

A quick post to apologise for a longer than anticipated absence. I had planned to post several times since my last post, however as the title suggests I have been 'Missing In Action'.

Since my longer term health issues have been improving, another issue has loomed, namely migraines. I have had migraines from time to time as far back as I can recall. Tiredness, or not drinking enough fluids during the day can trigger them, but the biggest factor is hormones. Any time around my period can trigger them. I used to get migraines so bad that I would beg my husband to dial for an ambulance as I was convinced I had meningitis or a brain tumour. Praise God they don't seem to be as bad as that these days (I had prayer for them and they improved). However these ones linger over weeks, not days. This current one has been on and off for three weeks, and it has brought with it a great deal of dizziness. As a result I have been incapacitated and unable to blog, drive, go out or do anything remotely useful. It has reduced our income and put all sorts of pressures upon us and, if I'm honest, really challenged once again my ability to remain pleasant and joyful whilst under pressure or ill.

I am praying into it, as are some close Godly friends. I am also hoping to meet the dear friend, who has prayed me through to healing with my longer term health issues, tomorrow evening to pray into this. I do feel it must be connected. And I cannot believe it is the Lord's will for me to have healing in one area, only to suffer in another.

I shall report back as soon as I can. Even typing this has been a struggle as my wobbly head is trying to convince me I am sliding off my chair. My logic says that I'm not, but my balance says otherwise.

However, even as I struggle to write this, I am aware that these are 'light and momentary troubles' (2 Cor 4: 17) in the grand scheme of things. I can see from the statistics on my blog that at one time or another some dear folk from the Philippines have looked at this blog. Whenever I look at the news now and see the sheer devastation that the recent typhoon has caused out there, I can't help but wonder after the safety of those folk and those they hold dear. I pray that they (and those they love) are safe, they have provisions and shelter and that they know the Lord is with them.

Please join me in praying for the Philippines, that relief would get through, that the country and infrastructure can be rebuilt, and that the Lord would oversee all those suffering and perform miracles out of His great love.

Tiny Miracles

No, from the title I am not referring to children or babies, who are often referred to as tiny miracles (although I do agree that they are). I am referring to the fact that although God does sometimes intervene in our lives in big and dramatic ways, with a 'suddenly' or a big miracle, He also and more often seems to work in our lives with a series of tiny miracles.

Last Monday (28th October), as I'd mentioned in my last post, I met with a friend God had led to me during my illness, for prayer and ministry. She felt, as did I, that there was more work to do.

We settled down after a quick chat and welcoming the Lord to the proceedings, to pray through whatever else was going on in my life that was preventing the healing, or contributing to the illness. Now not all healings need such in depth prayer over years. My healing has come that way as my ill health was related to events and damage from my past, and as God has moved through the events He has brought healing. I want to make it clear that some healings are simply physical needs, and can be dealt with far more easily. I do not want to create fear in people that all healings need such in depth dealing with or such exposure to difficult areas! The Lord is gentle and works the right way in each situation. This is just how it has worked for me in this instance.

Anyway, as we prayed more things came up. Partly it was me confessing things to the Lord as He brought them to mind. This is scriptural, as it says in James 5: 16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." I felt the Lord remind me of this scripture as we prayed so I was not concerned to open up with my friend, because I knew it was a safe place. There were things too deep to share but I prayed them in my head and I felt the Lord was fine with that, that He wanted me to be comfortable and did not want to cause me any embarrassment.

Then, the Lord also gave my friend wisdom about other things that needed praying through, which we did.

I had been a little concerned as to what might come up. I had felt that perhaps the fact that I was still unwell was my fault, and I felt guilty, although I knew I wasn't consciously hanging onto anything. But all evening Jesus was there, and He was gentle, and it was fine.

There was a cross in the prayer room we were in, and I knelt before it praying. Towards the end of the evening I left a stone at the bottom of that cross, as I felt I was at last able to leave my past behind. I may have need to speak of it from time to time, to help others, and I have no problems with that. But for myself, I know that I do not need to dwell on it anymore; it is behind me, and at the foot of the cross.

The Lord also gave me a beautiful scripture:

It is Luke 7: 47, and the part the Lord emphasised to me was the first part, that my sins have been forgiven. It so spoke to my heart and I knew that I could now move on. There may be more work to do, on this area (I know there is work to do on other areas!), but I do feel peace and I feel life will begin to move on now. For years it has just revolved around my health. I feel a freedom I have not had in years and a lightness.

My friend saw at the end of the session a light at the end of a tunnel. The Lord has since given me a picture of a narrow pathway through a wilderness and rocky, dry area, that is opening up wider and wider until there is no path, but simply beautiful land through which I can walk in any direction without boundaries.

I do feel so much better. Last week was half term and all the children were off school. I was up early every day (something which I have not been able to do whilst ill). I was also able to work hard and be consistently busy, and it was very, very busy! We had some issues with one of our children who is going through a difficult and emotional time as they slowly move into adulthood and have to deal with new situations and emotions, but the Lord gave me the energy and wisdom to deal with it as best I could. One day we were able to go on a lovely long dog walk at our local woods, something I have not had the energy for in a very long while. And even though approaching my period I've had little of the Pre-Menstrual Tension/ Stress that I would normally know. I had some really good moments, and surprisingly few wobbly ones. I did have to wrestle with a niggly migraine, but the Lord's working on that, but for the most part I was STABLE!!! I have not had such a stable, settled, well week in years, and I am so very, very, very grateful. Praise the Lord!

I realise that last week and this I have felt 'normal' much more than I have felt 'wobbly' or unwell. I'm not joking, I have not felt consistently normal for years, just ill, ill, ill. So the Lord has broken through, and although still a bit to go, I pray that it will continue.

The sun has finally broken through the trees!

As with this picture taken on our dog walk, for me the sun has finally broken through the trees, and I believe that as I walk forward into the great things the Lord has in my future, so the trees shall thin and the light become greater.

On our autumn walk, and no, this isn't me : )

I took the above photo on our autumn walk. We are blessed to live close to somewhere so beautiful to walk. The photo doesn't really do it justice. But if you look closely the child is looking up to the mother. I feel more than anything that is the key for us all. Our heavenly Father wants us to place our hands into His, and to trust Him to lead us to the right places. No matter how scary it looks, or how hard the going, we need to keep our hand placed in His and our eyes on Him - for Him to be our focus. And the way we do that is to trust.

I pray that as I move forward into increasingly stable and long-term health and the blessings I believe He has for us all, that I will continue to trust Him and remain in open, honest relationship. It has certainly worked to trust Him so far, and I believe some of my biggest leaps forward have been because I chose to trust instead of fear.

I do not know what I would do without the Lord. He has truly saved my life.

I pray that this past week has found you blessed and able to trust God with whatever difficulties you may face, and as we move through this week I pray we would all be able to place our troubles into His hands, knowing that He is always bigger than any problems. God bless : )

Jericho!

In the book of Joshua in the Bible a 'battle' for the city of Jericho is spoken about. The Israelites had been freed from Egypt, then had wandered the wilderness for 40 years and now at last they had entered the 'Promised Land' - the land that God had spoken to Abraham about a long time before, and had said it would belong to Abraham and his descendants.

The Promised Land was occupied and God had told the Israelites that they were to clear the land and occupy it. It is not just a history of that area of land, it also speaks to Christians about our life with God. When we become Christians we do suddenly become part of God's Kingdom and come under His rule and His blessing, but it doesn't necessarily mean that our lives become changed, cleaned up and immaculate overnight. On a rare occasion I have heard a testimony to that effect, but for most of us it is a life long journey to slowly deal with the damage and work of the enemy, the devil, in our lives and to receive healing and cleansing so that more and more of our lives can be healthy and whole, and can bring glory to God - to effectively demonstrate His great love and kindness towards humankind.

In the battle for the city of Jericho, God gives Joshua clear instructions. Jericho was a large, walled city which was seemingly impenetrable. However God's instructions were surprising and strange. This is Joshua 6: 3 - 5:

^"3 March around the city once with all the armed men. Do this for six days. ⁴ Have seven priests carry trumpets of rams’ horns in front of the ark. On the seventh day, march around the city seven times, with the priests blowing the trumpets. ⁵ When you hear them sound a long blast on the trumpets, have the whole army give a loud shout; then the wall of the city will collapse and the army will go up, everyone straight in. "

The long and the short of it is that according to the scripture the plan worked, the walls fell (there is genuine archaeological evidence to support this) and Joshua and the Israelites took Jericho. But the point I wanted to make is that sometimes, when we have a large enemy stronghold in our lives, God asks us to do some strange things and we have to act before we see the results.

For me, with my battle against ill health, as I've mentioned before, each time I would seem to hit a wall God would direct me to get prayer with some good Christian friends, and each time (praise Him!) a layer of ill health would lift and things would get a bit better. Last year, during some of the worst of this battle, I took a surprising step. I got a tattoo.

I had prayed about it for a long time, but it was something I really felt was right to do. It is on my lower back, so no one really gets to see it. However during the worst of my illness and all the serious financial and debt issues we had had to face before the battle for health, I went through a very protracted wilderness experience. Even though I cried out in great need and desperation, my prayers seemed to bounce off the ceiling. And if I'm honest, this very dark, very difficult period caused me to doubt my faith. I'd known God my whole life (even though I wasn't brought up in a Christian home - a story for another day), but He seemed to have turned his back, and I seriously doubted. I even found myself shouting "If you don't speak, I will know you're not real!", and then had to question, if I am doubting, who am I talking to? It was those times that made me realise that I might be mad at God, but I knew He could hear and was real.

It was when I wasn't very far out of this period (and the debts still remain to this day, although they slowly diminish as we labour to pay them off) that I fell ill and another battle began. But by now I had learnt that so often praise comes before the victory. So although I felt so very unwell, I decided that I was putting an end to all doubts once and for all, and that no matter what happened in my life I was going to show the enemy I was God's child and I wasn't going to change on that count. Ever.

I prayed and thought long and hard and this is what I came up with:

It is my testimony in a nutshell. The butterfly is a Blue Morpho. Blue is often associated with Heaven and God's Kingdom, and butterflies represent metamorphosis - God has taken much of my ugliness and made it into something beautiful on the inside (I hope - although I know I am very much a 'work in progress'!). The scripture is my testimony, the story of God's work in me: "In my anguish I cried out to the Lord, and He answered by setting me free."

Now how does this relate to Jericho? I had the tattoo done whilst still in the thick of the battle. Effectively, it was my battle cry before the walls fell. Did I feel a bit daft? In a way, yes, because at the time the scripture wasn't true as far as ill health went (more a prophecy of what was to come). But I suspect the Israelites, who were greatly feared because of God's victory on their behalf with the Egyptians, felt rather foolish marching around a city and then doing nothing for 6 days, before blowing trumpets and shouting on the 7th! But who had the last laugh?

I still battle on. But I am so very much improved. Last week I worked 4 days out of 5, had 8 meetings with, or about, the children, had a prayer meeting about my health on Friday and we had our son's 9th birthday party on Saturday and Sunday. I could not have done that even a few months ago.

Friday I had a prayer meeting with friends about my health, as I don't want to live managing situations with pharmaceuticals. Two of us felt there was more to pray into and something else, perhaps one last thing, to be revealed, dealt with and go. So we are meeting again tonight. But whatever happens, I know, and the enemy knows, that I have already raised my shout of victory and claimed the victory in faith. No matter how silly or foolish I look, no matter how long it takes, I know what the Bible says about my health now and I know My God much better, and I know that it is just a matter of time before the walls in my life come tumbling down. And after the ill health has gone, I can truly set to work on the debts, the relatives who refuse to talk to us, etc (there will always be another victory to be won)!

May you be blessed, and may you see your walls of difficulty come tumbling down : )

Fear Not

Today has been a good day. Each day, particularly each day that I have concerns about (maybe I have to do something that is a stretch or I need courage for, or perhaps I am feeling unwell, etc), I try to start by saying, 'This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it' (Psalm 118: 24). Well today, I am able to rejoice and be glad in it.

I had to do the morning school run today. 'So what?' I hear you ask. Well since becoming very unwell back in the second half of 2011 I haven't been able to do it consistently. My husband has been doing it for me, which has been possible through a reasonably understanding employer and then the start of our business and being able to be more flexible in our work. I have done the odd morning, but it has always been with great difficulty.

But today I had to do the morning school run, and praise God I slept reasonably well (normally when faced with a challenge the following day I sleep badly and struggle sometimes to sleep at all), and have felt good all day. I have been able to be very productive, and although starting to feel tired now, I have a lot on for the rest of the day and feel able with God's help to face it. True, God is working through the new medication, which is making life so much more manageable and situations so much easier to face, but it is still God.

Last week God spoke to me through various things and I came to realise that I had been starting to worry again and was being harassed by a 'fear of lack'. He spoke very clearly through some of Joyce Meyer's words, from one of her devotionals:

"One of the biggest fears that people face is the fear of lack. It’s the fear that your needs won’t be met – that you’ll run out of resources and that God won’t come through for you in time.

You may be in a situation of lack that you’ve never been in before, in desperate need of finances or other resources to simply meet your basic needs. Maybe you’re facing an emotional or spiritual lack. The spirit of fear might be attacking you, telling you that God cannot meet your needs and that you won’t make it.

You need to know today that the enemy is a liar, and God cares about your situation. He has a plan and He is working on your behalf to provide what you need at the right time. Even when it seems like nothing is coming your way, God always knows how to miraculously provide.

Whatever your needs may be – financial, physical, emotional, spiritual – you don’t have to fear lack. God will provide for you, comfort you, nourish you and bring you back to a place of strength. Trust in His provision."

God also spoke to me through After Earth, a movie I watched at the weekend. In the film Will Smith is playing a General called Cypher Raige. He is speaking to his son Kitai Raige (played by his real son Jaden Smith), explaining how he gained the ability of what they called 'ghosting' - moving with almost no fear, so that the alien enemies hunting humans could not sense him. He says:

"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present, and may not ever, exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Now, do not misunderstand me - danger is very real. But fear is a choice."

God made me realise that when I allow fear to start creeping back in, I am walking back into the enemy's territory. He says to us through the Bible, in fact He commands us, to 'fear not'. He says it over and over to Joshua, to fear not for He is with him. But it doesn't mean 'Don't be afraid'. It means, do not allow fear to stop you doing what God tells you to do.

Well, God is also with us. Just because we can't always see Him, or sense Him, or hear Him, doesn't make Him any less real. In fact I am convinced that He is more real than we are. I have been afraid of potential, as yet unseen, future outcomes. But yet, in spite of all my worrying, I am still here, I am safe, I am getting better, I am warm, I am fed and I have so very many reasons to rejoice. Worrying has never gained me anything. But fear has prevented me from many things. Fear has truly proved to be, in the long term, False Evidence Appearing Real (F.E.A.R.).

A long time ago I felt God call me to do something, to use a certain skill set He had given me to step out for Him. Doing this blog is part of that calling, but there is still so much I have left undone because I am scared. I have stepped out before and been rejected, hurt and laid aside, and it almost broke my spirit. I feel God is now saying to me, to all those who love Him, to 'fear not'. To step out.

Today I was able to deal with a situation that has in the past made me unwell, and dealt me some very bad memories. But today God has planted a good memory that will help overcome the past. And I am very grateful.

Today I would encourage you to consider what is holding you back from where you would like to be? Is fear trying to prevent you from stepping out? I pray that you and I can lay aside our fears and worries one by one, and step out into all that God has for us, as we daily and hourly choose to trust Him over believing the fear. It is said that each journey begins with even the smallest of steps. May we all make steps forward, no matter how small, as we journey through this week.

May your week be truly blessed, and may God meet you where you're at : ) 

His Glory Will be Seen

It has been another interesting week, and busy, but better in many ways : )

I have been tired and still a little dizzy as I continued to slowly recover from the dreadful migraine that plagued me last week, but each day has been better than the last. I have been able to work, able to start cooking again, able to do the school pick ups, able to go to meetings (I had a big and very important meeting regarding my eldest son who is possibly on the Autistic spectrum, and who has been experiencing some problems - the meeting went well and had a great outcome - he will receive the help he needs going forward) and able to partake in normal life (which in our household is always a little crazy!).

The new medication I have been given has had a big part to play in my ability to cope better. It has some very minor side effects, but all negligible compared to the great benefits I receive from it. I know as time moves forward and my general health improves, I shall be able to come off it. I thank God for His sudden intervention at the recent Doctor's appointment which afforded me the prescription and advice I needed.

That same appointment also saw me set up with a blood test for several things, including Vitamin D, which I seem to be perpetually low in. My reading was just over the edge of the 'normal' scale, which is poor considering it is the end of the summer and I have been working outside in the sun quite a lot - we should have a good store to take us through the winter. I'd also taken two very large Vitamin D capsules to top up, so to be barely into the normal range suggests I'm still not storing it or able to hang onto it. But it does give me the information I need to help keep on top of it over the winter.

I did see another Doctor this week as an infection I'd had in my saliva glands didn't seem to have fully gone away after one treatment of antibiotics, and it was making me start to feel run down again. It has honestly been one virus, infection or migraine after another for a couple of months now, on top of longer term health issues, so it's no wonder I'm a bit run down and a bit grumpy about things. But again I have to praise God that I live somewhere that provides free (you have to pay for the medicines, but it's a small cost) health care and medicine that will help fight off the infection.

The medicine has been working because I started to get a very upset stomach yesterday - a side effect. The antibiotics not only kill off the bad bugs in your system, but the good bugs in your digestive system too. It was hard as I was trying to complete our business' and personal tax returns, so I confess I got rather annoyed by it. But at least I know they are working and I pray that this time the infection will go. I am also praying that after this I have come to the end of the additional niggling health issues, and I can work on improving my general health and hopefully becoming more robust again.

For so long I have realised that my physical health does not match up to how I feel mentally or spiritually. My body, instead of seeming like an extension and expression of myself, has felt rather like the enemy - something to be fought against. At times it has felt like I have been trapped inside a body that constantly lets me down, and it has seemed as though people have seen the illness, instead of me. It has felt as though I was judged on my health, and not who I am. But then I realised I have the privilege of being assured by God that I will get better, although the assurance has been more of a recent occurrence - before that, with no diagnosis I was also walking in the dark in blind faith (and often stumbling). I have had two dreams recently after prayer and asking the Lord for guidance, wisdom and assurance - in both it was scary, but I knew the Lord was coming to rescue me and soon the light would overshadow and extinguish the darkness. How must it be to not have that assurance? Or to be injured or have a disability with no hope of a cure, other than a miracle? I hope that perhaps one day I will know the Lord's power moving through my life in such a way that I can offer His light and His hope in even the most 'hopeless' of situations, and after having suffered a little be better able to offer the compassion I know is so desperately needed in those dark places. I still, in spite of my struggles, believe the answer to every problem is Jesus.

I still struggle to maintain a good attitude and spend proper time with the Lord. I do speak with Him all the time and go through periods where I study the Bible almost constantly, but in my life and with constant illness, finding a regular time has been impossible. I also find on days like yesterday (when I finally feel I am making progress and then bam! - the rug is pulled from beneath my feet once more and I am in pain and unwell) it is very hard to not be grumpy. But I am getting quicker at apologising and correcting my attitude. So I am improving. And I am trying, as in the above, to see the light in every situation and keep a positive attitude. I ask the Lord to keep revealing Himself to me.

When working this week I felt God remind me through the wonder of nature of this:

Behind every dark cloud, lies the sun as bright as ever ..

The sun drenched places are only a step away from the shade.

I also noticed that it is only when the sun is full and bright that the shade is at its darkest. It speaks similarly of this in Isaiah 60: 2 :

"For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and thick darkness the peoples; but the Lord will arise upon you, and his glory will be seen upon you."

The dreams God sent me in answer to my prayers were very scary and indicated that I am in a battle, that there is 'thick darkness' surrounding me and threatening to encroach me, but in each dream I knew help was on its way, and I feel assured that indeed 'the Lord will arise upon me' and that at last I might reach the potential He has placed in me and 'His glory will be seen upon [me]'.

Last time I was out working I promised to try to capture the scene, as it was so beautiful:

When you often get to work in an environment as beautiful as this, with one of the people you love most in the world by your side (my husband, usually working across the lawn from me), and when you can work communing with God, you already have a lot to be thankful for.

I am often grumpy, but praise God these days I seem to be more often 'praising the Lord and forgetting not all His benefits' (Psalm 103: 2).

I pray that this week you will be able to see God's blessings in your life and you would know His peace. And even if you are in the darkest of dark places, hidden in gloom and shade, you will know that the sunlight is just a step away; the Lord will arise and His glory will be seen - in you.

God bless you : )

Missing In Action

I can only apologise for the length of time since my last post. I do intend to post twice a week, or thereabouts, but I've been laid up, yet again, so I've not been near my computer.

I'd had a superb week, as I reported in my last post, the week before last. I'd been able to work pretty much full time and I'd felt great. I was on a wave of praise and thanksgiving, and felt that perhaps at last I was starting to be really well. I guess that's so often the hope of the long-term ill (and yes, I know compared to so many suffering souls, a little over 2 years doesn't seem like a long time) - that when you start to feel better this will be the time that you manage to maintain it. But then ...

... Stealthily as anything my period crept up on me. I'd been feeling so well that I'd hardly noticed it was about to arrive, and for a change I'd had blessedly little PMS (I'm sure my husband and family were immensely grateful : ) ). But it was a nasty one. More painful than any I'd had in a long time, long in length, and it must've come with a huge dose of hormones because I had the migraine from hell that accompanied it.

I've suffered since a teenager with hormone issues: dreadful periods (passing out at college and then crawling around on all fours begging for help was not one of my better days), terrible PMS, hormone related migraines and on the verge of polycystic ovaries with many of the nasty symptoms and suspected endometriosis (all properly diagnosed or suggested by Drs - not my guess work!). I wonder if it as a result of early abuse, but have honestly prayed through it all. The battle continues but am assured of victory!

The migraine left me bed bound for several days and was around for around 10 days in all, and made me so unwell I thought I was sliding off the bed with dizziness and nausea. It also brought back some of other symptoms of illness I'd had over these past years and made me realise how easily we can lose ground to the devil. I became afraid I was really ill again.

None of it has been helped by a constant round of school and medical meetings for the children: dealing with issues relating to what my eldest had been up to (still ongoing stress, but slowly improving), appointments regarding my sons' issues relating to being on the autistic spectrum, subject choices in school, etc. As my eldest two make their way through their teenage years we've also come across several major issues, particularly these past weeks. They're great children, but the minefield of technology, media and peer pressure our teens face these days is immense, and as a parent it is so very hard to maintain boundaries and safeguarding without developing control issues!

Anyway, I was desperate to make it to church this morning, as I've not managed church in months due to my health. Despite being awake until gone 3.30 a.m. this morning, I made it! The congregation was asked for testimonies at one point and everybody seemed reluctant, so I nervously went to the front. My testimony was simple: "I'm finally here!" I briefly shared that due to ongoing health issues visiting church has become an issue, but it was an answer to prayer that we'd made it today. We were shown such an outpouring of love and we were made aware that many people in our church family had been praying for us these past months. It was such a blessing.

The migraine has only niggled very very slightly today. I found that generally I felt great anxiety and wobbly. Going to church was very difficult. After being housebound and unable to drive, and experiencing some scarily unwell moments this week, I discovered I had completely lost my confidence. The medication I had been taking also left some unpleasant after effects which scared me. But I prayed, and I felt the Lord encourage me once again to put my confidence in Him and to BELIEVE! Yet again I had been allowing negative thoughts to flood in and wandered up the wrong path. Instead I have tried today to ignore the worrying thoughts, and instead believe all the positive ones. I have even gone a step further and thought positive Bible-based ideas on purpose, such as 'I am healed', 'The migraine is going' and 'I will be fully well soon'. And once again I've put my hand in the Father's in complete trust and scared abandonment, I've jumped off the cliff and once again He's caught me. I do feel so much improved from this morning it's unbelievable - well, almost!

I feel I should also add that throughout, one thing that constantly challenged me was my attitude. I am still appallingly miserable when ill. I did through the latter part of the migraine attempt to maintain a good, faith-filled and still praising attitude. But I am acutely aware how much like a whingeing child I am when lacking comfort. Another area in which I battle on in repentance and submission!

It is now late and I must go and rest. I am faced with yet another busy week that I have to place in the Lord's hands. But I so much wanted to explain my absence.

The battle for health, and the fullness of God's Kingdom and all He has for us, continues. I've been down again, but I'm not out. And I look forward to all the wonderful blessings stored up for the future - for I do not believe He ever allows us to suffer without good reason. I believe it is preparation.... at least, I do so much hope so!

I pray you will know God's presence this week even if things don't seem to go right - that you will be able to keep on believing and remain praising, no matter what, and that together we shall all make it through to that 'broad place' (Psalm 66). God bless : )

Long Grass or Apples

Sorry for the long absence between posts. It hasn't been intentional, but life has been a little bit ridiculous the past couple of weeks, as I shall explain ...

Work has been busy and the children have had a lot on. My husband had had a lot of evening appointments and commitments, which had made life even more busy. I had gratefully had a couple of days of feeling not too bad, actually, in fact pretty good. I said thank you rather a lot to the Lord for that! Then Wednesday afternoon I started to feel unwell again. This continued, but I still managed to keep working and on Thursday evening I tackled showering/ bathing our youngest two children. They can mostly sort themselves out, so its not too bad, but they do need supervision or they end up putting pyjamas onto wet bodies (as they can't be bothered to dry themselves properly!), or they get distracted. I was so pleased to tell my husband when he came in that they were all done (it was a job I had had to stop doing for a quite a while whilst very unwell). I moved onto the hair drying before bed, and then my youngest told me her head itched.

Oh no, I thought. 'I think I've got nits Mummy, as my head is very itchy.' Urgh!

I don't do creepy crawlies. With great trepidation I looked. Oh, I thought, I didn't know she had a small mole there on her scalp. And then the 'mole' moved!

Don't worry if you've not heard of nits. Their proper name is head lice. And for some reason English schools always seem to be rife with them. They only apparently like clean hair, so its not to do with being unwashed or gross, thank goodness. I am grateful that in four children this is only the second time we have encountered the dreaded nits in nearly 15 years. Needless to say we were up that night and the next until late, treating hair with a special solution, changing sheets and doing a lot of washing! My poor husband is just doing another treatment on our youngest as it looked like they were trying to make a come back. Yuk!

On Friday I awoke with a very sore, stiff neck and throat. When I ventured a look in the mirror I noticed a strange lump under my chin, which was most tender. Wonderful, I thought, there is something else wrong with me. I was not happy!

I had to leave work very early to nip to a Doctor's appointment and felt most grumpy. However I should have known the Lord was in control. Normally when you have a lump in your neck or throat, the Dr says 'You must have a virus, it will clear by itself.' But not this time. Apparently I had an infection in my saliva glands and I had to take antibiotics. It was a good job I'd gone. But not only that, the Dr offered me another blood test to check my Vitamin D levels (which I suspect are low as I'm feeling very tired and rather grotty), plus he gave me some new, better medication for when I become unwell. So my irritation turned to gratitude - it was a very worthwhile visit! The new medication should also help me to get out a bit more without all the adrenalin over-reaction. Yay!

The last major problem we had was with our eldest. It turns out she had been making some questionable decisions with a new friend, and then working hard to deceive us about it. She has always been my reliable one - helpful, mature, honest and lovely. But for a little while, whilst getting close to this new friend, she had become a little different - distant, sullen, snappy, at times rather rude and disrespectful - she had been like another child altogether. I had been asking the Lord for guidance about the friendship and asking Him to intervene. I had prayed for the friend's salvation and for our daughter to be a good influence on them. We'd had the new friend over lots of times and done our best to be loving and kind. In essence I had truly done my best.

I can't be specific about what they'd been up to, even anonymously, but it was incredibly unwise and it was only by the grace of God (oh, how he looks after us, even when we doubt him!) that things came to light. Praise God, if they hadn't, things could have become irreparable.

Sorting things out even now though has been quite a pickle. We have had to involve a number of people and it is potentially serious. We have reluctantly had to break up the friendship as it has become clear that they simply cannot make wise decisions or be trusted together. And we have had to realise, that for now, until things can be built up again, we cannot trust our eldest with anything, not even to babysit (so no going out for us for while). She had demonstrated a clear ability to lie convincingly to our face - how do you proceed from that point? How long does it take to rebuild trust? Can I walk the dog and leave her alone, or do we need to be with her 24/ 7 for a while in case the friend turns up, or she uses her phone, laptop or our landline (all of which have been removed from her)?

Parenting is such a terribly steep learning curve. One minute you're handed a beautiful little bundle and you cannot believe that this little treasure is yours. The next they're almost ruining their life - and believe me, she'd not had much opportunity to get up to anything! I tell you, it's tutus and ballet shoes one minute, and teenagers and well, I can't say what, but dreadful things the next! It's probably a good thing they don't come with manuals. We'd all skip to age 13 upwards and run for the hills!

Praise God, after the initial shock (and some very late nights dealing with the issues involved, and some very horrendous phone calls) I have been actually not too bad. I have known, amidst the storm, a great serenity and peace that is completely other-worldly and not my own. I can only believe that all those special moments over the past years, particularly when dealing with finance and health, when I have ignored the fear and reached out to the Lord in trust and blind faith, have built something new in me.

Even the moments I have written of recently, after my friend's 40th and during the night, where I have chosen to trust in spite of circumstances, have achieved something quite supernatural. Not only this other-worldly peace, but also the improvements I have felt in my health have been supernatural. I have still had some grotty moments, but I can feel inwardly a shift, a change - just like going up a gear. I do believe I am near the end of the very bad health problems. The Lord has even been helping me, with very little effort on my part, get off medication I've been on for 8 years that is quite addictive (I've still needed it, which is why I continued to take it, but even the symptoms are improving!). He seems to be doing nothing, then bam! He comes in like a flood, but is so stealthy about it sometimes that we don't immediately realise.

So as for the strange title of this blog: We have been so busy these past months, that even simple tasks like mowing the lawn have become almost impossible, and recently our lawn resembled a meadow. Do I concentrate on the long grass that we can't mow, or do I look instead at our apple tree that has produced a bumper harvest?

Do I focus on the meadow where our lawn used to be?

Or do I focus on the bumper apple crop?

It's a choice we make every day. Do I focus on the nits, or that the Lord helped me spot them before we were all infested, and provided a husband who can dispose of them? Do I focus on the infection and the inconvenience, or the antibiotics, the much needed blood test and the new medication? Do I focus on the broken trust and the fall-out we're still wading through, or the intervention before it became too bad and God's abiding peace that He is with us, He has great plans for us and I know peace in the storm?

I am learning that if I want to know God's presence in my life more and more, then it has to be the apple every time. It works. And today I am so very grateful that although I cannot be everywhere, looking after everyone and everything, He is, and I can trust Him to keep doing it very well. Thank you Lord.

May you know His presence and His peace, and may we all start to focus a little more on the apples, instead of the long grass : ) God bless you!

A Good Day

I awoke early today because my leg hurt (I have some problems with my right knee and leg, for which I have received some treatment and am praying for complete healing), but I felt wide awake and good. Despite trying I could not get back to sleep, so I eventually dragged myself out of bed (I love my bed and am not a 'morning person').

I was working today with my husband. We were outside and it was a scorching day for September, but I was doing a job that enabled me to think a little. I realised I have been a bit negative since having had a virus recently. I have allowed myself to follow the path of negative thoughts, and believed any old rubbish the devil has been putting in my head. If negativity has come across in the blog, I can only apologise : )

I do have a lot on my plate and a lot on my mind. But you know what, I also have so much that is great in my life. God has been at work and I am so much better in body and mind, so much closer to God, and He has blessed me with a beautiful family and home.

We were working at a beautiful place today too. Next time I shall try to take a photo to share with you. But today I rejoice that I've earned money, made tea (which I must go and rescue before it burns!), got lovely children and a lovely home, and a great spouse who even brought our garden umbrella to work this afternoon so I could be in the shade and not get so hot. And I am able to go out and meet our friends tonight and get some praying done. I shall be praying for all of you who read the blog, that God will meet you wherever you are at, that He would bless you and you would see your needs met.

I am going to try to keep believing and follow those positive thoughts a little more!

Be blessed : )