The week began last weekend when it was one of my children's birthdays. For me that meant people coming over to visit. No big deal really in the grand scheme of things, but for me a real challenge. I used to clean and tidy my house top to bottom every weekend when I was first married, but as we had more children and we attempted more home improvements, things started to slide. And then, since being unwell for the past two years so that even the essentials became a challenge - well, you can imagine the mess. It seems as soon as I tidy one area or put one load of things away, somebody will get out a whole load more. And its not helped by a lack of consistent health or ability to tackle it. It isn't at hoarding level, unable to get through a room, but in my eyes it is really awful. I have learnt to switch off from it a little, as when I'm unwell or really time constrained there is very little I can do about it, but deep down it does bother me.
So, last weekend, instead of doing something useful like trying to complete a bathroom which has taken 18 months so far (I see light at the end of the tunnel, but it is a standing joke now that we'll never complete it, and it has all but demolished my hope of achieving anything more in the house - and believe me, there is a lot to do!), we had a big tidy up session. This was closely followed by all day doing birthday type things and the following day entertaining. One of the guests was my Mum, which in itself is a challenge. I love her, I long for a relationship with her, but she's been damaged by her early years and well, lets just say she is very challenging.
The week continued with a long session at the dentist on Monday, as toothache had developed, to which I had to take my youngest two as their school was closed for the day. Sitting in a chair, being drilled in two teeth whilst your kids sit on the floor and get steadily louder ... well, it was another challenge. That was followed by shopping with them. I was pretty tired when I got home.
Tuesday I got to have lunch with a good friend. It was lovely and I really enjoyed it. But I'd not slept well for the past four or five days and was starting to feel a bit unwell. Going out to eat is also one of my biggest challenges as it's one of the places I repeatedly fell unwell most regularly. I must confess I find it really hard that even events that I am looking forward to bring out such a strong stress response in my body that I cannot control no matter what. I am further along than I was, but I still find that I have to throw myself on the Lord and ask Him to sustain me and give me strength as I feel almost completely helpless. It exemplifies my ongoing battle with frustration!
Wednesday and Thursday were difficult mornings as on both days I had to meet with psychologists regarding my sons. On Wednesday I had to get to the Dr's early to collect my eldest son and take him to school after a scheduled appointment with a psychologist to help him with ongoing anxiety issues related to recently spotted Autism/ Aspergers and Autistic traits/ tendencies. However, when I turned up I was asked in for an extended (and unexpected) chat.
The following morning (Thursday) I had a very involved meeting with a team of educational psychologists to see how my youngest son can be helped to achieve as much as possible in his education despite Autism/ Aspergers.
Both meetings were involved and exhausting. They are hard because these days so much emphasis seems to be put upon parents to make decisions. What do I think? What are the most pertinent issues? How do I feel they would be best helped?Although I am really pleased to have such an input and involvement, we are there at these meetings because we are obviously not equipped to deal with the issues facing our children and we have therefore sought expert opinion. I therefore do not wish to be bombarded with questions - I am there instead for answers!
It also cannot be underestimated just how hard it is as a Mum (especially a tired, under the weather, not sleeping very well Mum) to sit in a room listening to people talk about just how challenging and anxiety ridden the world is for your child. I sat there on Thursday morning, both grateful for the help and advice being offered, but yet feeling so fragile and small, suddenly aware of how 'different' (I like to think 'unique' : ) ) my son is. I was a little overwhelmed, to say the least!
After all the fun of the week I started to get yet another migraine. Thankfully I had been to the Dr's the day before to see if he could prescribe some different medication to deal with migraines. He had. I had asked the Dr if it would make me feel drowsy. 'Oh no,' he'd replied. 'They're very effective at being able to stop migraines in their tracks.' 'Fabulous,' I thought. I took one of these new tablets just before my husband took our eldest out for the evening. It didn't make me feel drowsy - instead I wondered if perhaps I was dying. It brought on the most peculiar and unpleasant symptoms I've ever had from a tablet and was rendered completely useless, sprawled on the sofa, inanimate. I felt so sick I was reaching for a bucket, but unable to communicate properly with anyone. Very scary! Thankfully it wore off after about an hour and a half and I could speak again, but I still feel a bit wobbly from it today. I suppose, looking on the bright side, my headache did go!
Yesterday despite feeling a bit wobbly after a stressful week and the tablet episode I did go to work. Work has dropped off rather a lot at the moment, and therefore my hours have reduced. My husband's hours are also less as much of the work is still outside and as we're on daylight saving the day ends about 4pm when it is dark. We are therefore noticing a big reduction in cash flow, just before Christmas and a large payout for a ski trip for our eldest (which we said she could go on in faith, believing God would provide).
Today, Saturday, I hoped to garden. But I had a rotten night's sleep again and after the full on week, my body said 'No more!' and refused to function. I've felt wobblier than I have for ages. But then I look back and I realise, is it any wonder? Every day, every week, is full of challenges for me. I used to take for granted so many things, like popping out with a friend, doing the school run or simply having an appetite. No all those things present often mountainous challenges. I used to be grateful for my four healthy in every way children, yet in the course of a year my eldest has had full on emotional issues, both sons have been discovered to probably be Autistic or have Aspergers, and my youngest has possibly got mild dyslexia. Add onto that a difficult Mum, other serious wider family issues, healing from abuse, long term ill health, debt and financial pressures and running a home and two businesses and I realise that no wonder life can be a challenge or wear me out so much. But I also realise, so very very clearly now that if it were not for God I would not be able to stand it or cope.
Even in the mess God was there: Monday I'd had little sleep the night before, yet after prayer I felt surprisingly good all day and the dentist refused to charge me anything for the repairs! Tuesday, with God's help, I could manage my symptoms and still enjoy time with my friend and encourage her to pursue her dreams.Wednesday and Thursday I was able to pray in the car and talk over my fears, hopes and concerns for my children with my heavenly Dad, and know His peace despite feeling so small and overwhelmed. Thursday evening even whilst experiencing such horrible side effects of medication designed to help, even though trapped inside my body once again, I knew it would pass and I would be OK. Friday God kept me going so I could earn some money and, considering, I didn't feel too bad.
And He's with me now. My life is a complete pickle in so many ways, yet I know He will somehow make sense of it.
I asked God this week about my illness and why he'd allowed me to get ill. I felt Him say as quick as a flash, 'Because it gave you something specific to fight'. Is this illness from Him? No. But has He used it for my benefit? Yes, most definitely. I would not be where I am, as internally healed and put together or as close to Him as I am, without it. It has given me something specific to fight against and has brought about substantial inner healing from trauma and related issues. The illness was intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done. (Genesis 50: 20)
I could see that idea at work this week in my garden. We have an acer whose leaves go the most beautiful red when the sun shines on them.
In so many ways my life may seem a little hopeless, a little fruitless, and perhaps a little barren. But ...
This afternoon as I took some time out to recover from the heavy week I sat and watched the TV series Glee with my two girls. We love the singing mainly and the silliness of it. But today it was serious. It was the episode where they said goodbye to one of the main characters Finn, played by the actor Cory Monteith who sadly died of a drugs overdose earlier this year. It was so sad. It breaks my heart that someone so young, so gifted, felt they needed drugs to get by. I understand addiction and have dealt with it myself (although not with drugs), and I understand what it is to feel broken and in need of being fixed. And now I know what it is to be made whole. If only Cory had known the same.
But it made me realise, ultimately all any of us want is a meaningful life. We want to leave a legacy behind when we die. We want to be remembered (and not for an unintentional mistake, like an accidental overdose). We want to leave the world better for us having been here ...
Years ago I felt God speak to me of some dreams and plans for my life - better than anything I could have conjured up or imagined. After much prayer and meditation I received the dreams as being from God. But since then anything but those dreams have occurred, in fact the complete opposite! It's like circumstances have pulled me far away from those visions. But in the same way that the beautiful acer makes way for new growth my letting go, I realise I must also let go.
I have striven to make my dreams come true, but I cannot. They are God's plans and visions for me. I need to focus on getting better and doing the things I love. I need to release it all to Him. I need to be a Mum, and a wife and have a relationship with God, trusting Him daily for everything. Then I can look after the businesses and write and perhaps one day, in God's timing, move towards the dreams again, perhaps even catapult towards them when the time is right.
But when you push too hard you can have a Cory Monteith : ( Instead I need to hold out my hand again, try to maintain my posture of trust in Him and just take it a day at a time.
New growth is coming. But it's in His timing.
Today I pray for all those who perhaps suffer with long term illness, or the illness of addiction as Cory did. And I pray instead of being overwhelmed, people would know that there is One who would seek to pull them from the mire and the depths, clean them up and make them whole again. And on the way to wholeness will be beside you everyday (even if you can't always feel Him), no matter what.
And for those who perhaps don't need as much fixing, who are a bit more 'together' than I am/ have been, I pray that you will get to know God anyway, for the one true love of your life and as the one who will give your life true meaning.
Hopefully it won't be so long before I am able to blog again! Have a great week and God bless : )
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