I can only apologise for the length of time since my last post. I do intend to post twice a week, or thereabouts, but I've been laid up, yet again, so I've not been near my computer.
I'd had a superb week, as I reported in my last post, the week before last. I'd been able to work pretty much full time and I'd felt great. I was on a wave of praise and thanksgiving, and felt that perhaps at last I was starting to be really well. I guess that's so often the hope of the long-term ill (and yes, I know compared to so many suffering souls, a little over 2 years doesn't seem like a long time) - that when you start to feel better this will be the time that you manage to maintain it. But then ...
... Stealthily as anything my period crept up on me. I'd been feeling so well that I'd hardly noticed it was about to arrive, and for a change I'd had blessedly little PMS (I'm sure my husband and family were immensely grateful : ) ). But it was a nasty one. More painful than any I'd had in a long time, long in length, and it must've come with a huge dose of hormones because I had the migraine from hell that accompanied it.
I've suffered since a teenager with hormone issues: dreadful periods (passing out at college and then crawling around on all fours begging for help was not one of my better days), terrible PMS, hormone related migraines and on the verge of polycystic ovaries with many of the nasty symptoms and suspected endometriosis (all properly diagnosed or suggested by Drs - not my guess work!). I wonder if it as a result of early abuse, but have honestly prayed through it all. The battle continues but am assured of victory!
The migraine left me bed bound for several days and was around for around 10 days in all, and made me so unwell I thought I was sliding off the bed with dizziness and nausea. It also brought back some of other symptoms of illness I'd had over these past years and made me realise how easily we can lose ground to the devil. I became afraid I was really ill again.
None of it has been helped by a constant round of school and medical meetings for the children: dealing with issues relating to what my eldest had been up to (still ongoing stress, but slowly improving), appointments regarding my sons' issues relating to being on the autistic spectrum, subject choices in school, etc. As my eldest two make their way through their teenage years we've also come across several major issues, particularly these past weeks. They're great children, but the minefield of technology, media and peer pressure our teens face these days is immense, and as a parent it is so very hard to maintain boundaries and safeguarding without developing control issues!
Anyway, I was desperate to make it to church this morning, as I've not managed church in months due to my health. Despite being awake until gone 3.30 a.m. this morning, I made it! The congregation was asked for testimonies at one point and everybody seemed reluctant, so I nervously went to the front. My testimony was simple: "I'm finally here!" I briefly shared that due to ongoing health issues visiting church has become an issue, but it was an answer to prayer that we'd made it today. We were shown such an outpouring of love and we were made aware that many people in our church family had been praying for us these past months. It was such a blessing.
The migraine has only niggled very very slightly today. I found that generally I felt great anxiety and wobbly. Going to church was very difficult. After being housebound and unable to drive, and experiencing some scarily unwell moments this week, I discovered I had completely lost my confidence. The medication I had been taking also left some unpleasant after effects which scared me. But I prayed, and I felt the Lord encourage me once again to put my confidence in Him and to BELIEVE! Yet again I had been allowing negative thoughts to flood in and wandered up the wrong path. Instead I have tried today to ignore the worrying thoughts, and instead believe all the positive ones. I have even gone a step further and thought positive Bible-based ideas on purpose, such as 'I am healed', 'The migraine is going' and 'I will be fully well soon'. And once again I've put my hand in the Father's in complete trust and scared abandonment, I've jumped off the cliff and once again He's caught me. I do feel so much improved from this morning it's unbelievable - well, almost!
I feel I should also add that throughout, one thing that constantly challenged me was my attitude. I am still appallingly miserable when ill. I did through the latter part of the migraine attempt to maintain a good, faith-filled and still praising attitude. But I am acutely aware how much like a whingeing child I am when lacking comfort. Another area in which I battle on in repentance and submission!
It is now late and I must go and rest. I am faced with yet another busy week that I have to place in the Lord's hands. But I so much wanted to explain my absence.
The battle for health, and the fullness of God's Kingdom and all He has for us, continues. I've been down again, but I'm not out. And I look forward to all the wonderful blessings stored up for the future - for I do not believe He ever allows us to suffer without good reason. I believe it is preparation.... at least, I do so much hope so!
I pray you will know God's presence this week even if things don't seem to go right - that you will be able to keep on believing and remain praising, no matter what, and that together we shall all make it through to that 'broad place' (Psalm 66). God bless : )
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