Breaking Through

Well, it's proving to be another challenging week, with our faith and trust being stretched once again.

I had a pretty poor weekend overall with my health very poor and unable to do much. I managed to work through it on Monday as it was my one day of scheduled work this week. I felt I needed to push on as we could do with the money - actual paid work has almost dried up for me at the moment, which has obviously affected our income greatly.

Yesterday and today I have at least slept better and been able to sleep in. But I have had the return of almost constant nausea and inability to eat, plus zero energy and almost constant niggling migraine and feeling pretty awful. It has been like a return to the 'bad old days'. I was due to meet up with a friend tomorrow, but like the friend I was supposed to meet last Friday I have had to cancel. I am so used to cancelling now that I am almost resigned to it. I recognise that it is beyond my control, but it still feels like a defeat and I'm constantly aware that I'm letting someone down. And the ill health and constant cancellations do seem to take their toll, not helped by a lack of energy as I cannot eat.

On top of this I sat down with my husband last night and we went through his diary to plan work, and it became apparent that the week after next he had run out of work. There were a couple of days planned in for that week, but nothing more. We do have people asking for quotes for various things, but one we cannot get hold of now and the others will take time to go and look before quoting, and then time for the potential customers to consider. Obviously when self-employed no work = no money, and with the prospect of Christmas and additional time off without pay over Christmas, things are looking a little rough.

So, on the face of it, things are pretty difficult, healthwise, financially and work, as well as a number of other things going on at the moment to do with the children and family.

It is at times like this that I am so grateful that I have God to turn to. I don't have all the answers, but I know He does. The Bible says that He is our heavenely Father, our Dad, our Papa. The Bible also speaks of God as caring for us like a Mother. For me that still presents difficulties in trust and receiving and believing His love, because of experiences with my own very human, very broken parents. But I believe with all my heart that these present situations we face are not only an opportunity for us to step out in trust, holding His hand, but also opportunities for God to show us how much He truly does love and care for us.

I read recently about Chuck Yeager, the first pilot to break the sound barrier. Apparently others had tried before but the plane began to shake so much as it approached the sound barrier that they all finally drew back in fear it would break up. Yeager succeeded because when he reached that stage of shaking, noise and fear, he pushed through, believing that if he broke through the sound barrier the shaking and vibration would stop. He was right. After breaking through the barrier, and probably his own fear, peace reigned!

God has spoken to me so much through this example. All my life I have felt the desire to push for better. This extends to my Christian life. I do not want to simply be healed of what is going on right now, but I want to be the healthiest person you have ever met, whose health is completely dependable, constant and reliable. I do not want to simply be debt free and prosperous financially, or ticking over in business, but I want to be so prosperous that I do not have to ever think of, or be concerned about finance, ever again. I want businesses that prosper, but also bless people all over the world, point them to God and are globally succesful. And so on ...

I realise that these things take a little longer to break into, than simpler more straighforward prayer requests. And with the responsibility that would come with so much blessing, I need to have a deeper foundation with God to be able to handle it.

So, even though everything around me is shaking, and sometimes I too shake and quake a little with fear of what may be around the corner, I am pressing through the vibrations and fear to the peace beyond. I am planting my seed of faith, as small as it may be, into God, trusting that we will reap healing, provision and prosperity. (Luke 13: 18 - 19; Mark 4: 30 - 32; Matthew 13: 31 - 32; Luke 17: 6). And as the Bible says, I have to choose to walk by faith and not by what I can see going on around me (2 Corinithians 5: 7), because for me there is no other way. The only other option would be to worry, and what good would that do me? Instead I choose to trust, to the best of my ability, and wait for God's deliverance.

Having said all that, last night I was very tired and had to plan next week's meals and do a food shop whilst unable to eat and feeling nauseous and awful. It was difficult. Plus I was tired. So I had a wobble. I was OK until my husband, recognising I was quiet, offered a cuddle. Then I had a bit of a cry. It did help though. I am, after all, only human and have to have moments from time to time.

But even I can see how blessed I am to be able to purchase food, to be able to know where the next meal is coming from (believe me, I have had times where I haven't known and had no money at all), and to have a husband who offers cuddles. Having had times where I have lacked all those things I remain very grateful.

I will seek to update the blog as God moves in all these situations. But for all those who face uncertainty, difficulty or problems, especially in this Thanksgiving season and as we approach Christmas, I pray you will be able to 'break through' to a place where you know God's peace and His provision and love. Christmas, after all, is the biggest miracle and expression of love, of all.

With love, prayers and blessings : )

PS: Before I could upost this I had to pop out and do the school run. When coming back with 5 children in the car we passed through a 30 miles per hour zone. I was caught up in conversation and therefore driving at very slightly over 30 miles per hour. It was only then that I noticed the policeman with the speed camera, and realised that my momentary lapse of concentration has probably cost me £80 - £90 and a day out at a speed awareness course, or £60, 3 points on my license and increased insurance. At the same time I got a very stressful text from someone I do the occasional lift share to and from children's activities with. Yay! More shaking and pressure, but hopefully soon I will break through to peace ... : )