'Back' in God's Hands

I write this sat waiting in a hospital room with my husband as he awaits the call to go down to theatre for a spinal injection. He has had huge problems with a bulging disc in his spine and pain for well over a year now, and was so ill with it to begin with that he lost consciousness in hospital and stopped breathing. As his instinct to breathe failed to kick in they had to resuscitate him – not something I ever wish to see again! (Although I felt God reassure me that he would not allow my husband to die, as his life was in God’s hands and God had other plans and good things ahead for him).

It has been a hard journey to get this far, and we are hoping and praying that the injection will do it’s job, stop the pain and we can move forward. But it is scary. Although having the injection should be a good thing, a great thing, it is also a leap of faith. We are losing work time and income (we will need minimum 2 days off). In rare cases it can exacerbate things. And we are entering into a time when my husband’s health is of paramount importance.

My youngest two children, a boy (10 ½) and a girl (9), share a bedroom, and we desperately need to give them their own space, for developmental, gender and tidiness reasons. It’s been a long held dream but impossible until now.

Earlier this year God helped us make a major move forward in our finances, taking steps to break free from debt. We ended up with a certain amount left over which was carefully budgeted for, but everything needed has cost way more than we anticipated, meaning we only have a small amount left to do a major job.

We were due to split their large room into two, which was fairly straightforward. However we needed permission to put in a new window to achieve this. It should have been easy, but our neighbours, our Christian neighbours with whom we are good friends, complained about it. Not to us, but direct to the Council via the Internet. We were hurt and saddened.

As a result we only got permission to put in a bathroom window, not a bedroom window. So the room will still be split, but one of the two new rooms will have to become the bathroom. The existing bathroom will have to be moved to there (and we’ve only just done it up!), a completely new sewer dug, two walls will have to be knocked down, four new walls will have to be built, five rooms will need some plastering and it will cost 2 to 3 times as much.

The prep work we’ve had to do, and still have to do is phenomenal, and my husband and I are both exhausted and cranky. We even managed to have a big old argument yesterday in front of the kids (Oh, the guilt! How cross I got with myself!). But with so much left to do, part of which is digging a rather large, rather long trench by hand for the new sewer, you can understand the faith it takes to let him have his back tampered with today.

Walking out forgiveness, especially when it comes from a friend, is very hard. I’ve also been having a very hard time with my Mum, who has been really hurtful. It’s a story for another day but she finally admitted recently that she holds so much unforgiveness towards me (about things that I don’t even remember and wonder if they really happened) that even if I did everything right (and boy, do I try!) she will probably never be able to see the good but only remember the bad she thinks I’ve done. To hear your own Mum, who you’ve never tried to do anything other than good to, tell you that basically you’re never going to be good enough and she doesn’t really like you, is super hard.

Add into all of this the tiredness that comes with health issues both my husband and I have had/ are having, medications we’re on, extreme busyness, large outgoings with other items, many things breaking unexpectedly, so much work to do and trying to walk in forgiveness, walking in faith has become super, super hard.

But I feel God saying it’s right to go ahead with the work at home, that it will be worth it. To not worry about the money side (ha, ha, big ask! I can’t seem to switch my brain off!).

I feel God say to go ahead and claim the land: ‘I will give you every place where you set your foot …. Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.’ Joshua 1: 3, 9.

‘Go in the strength I have sent you. Am I not sending you?’ Judges 6: 14 (In this passage God was assuring Gideon, who felt very small and incapable, of victory.)

‘By standing firm you will gain life’ Luke 21: 19. (This promise was given directly after verse 16 saying ‘You will be betrayed by parents, brothers, relatives and friends.’ Although it is talking about direct persecution and handing over to the authorities, not arguments about what we may or may not have done or whether you can have the window you want, which are very trifling in comparison (!), it still offers great comfort.)

I apologise this seems like a big moan. I am tired, and God is asking me to stretch that bit further, to go that extra mile with Him, to hang in there just a bit longer. 

And it’s a sheer act of will that is spiritually getting me off my butt and trusting. It’s an act of will that as each negative thought comes in, of which there are multitudes every day, to look to Him. To offer praise instead of a moan. To praise Him for even the opportunity to step out and do these things. To believe when doubt and fear are so ever present.

But I think it is when you finally realise your own smallness, your total weakness and inability to do a thing, that He can suddenly get very big and show His true colours, He can show just what He can do, with what little you have. He doesn’t believe in addition, our God is one of multiplication. (see Luke 9: 10-17: ‘We only have …. They all were satisfied’.)

Once more I step out in blind faith. Once more I believe I will find the rock beneath, and I look forward to sharing just how.

My husband is now in theatre as I finish this entry. He too is in God’s hands.

Be blessed : )