Dancing in the Dark

Well, after previous posts about how ill my husband and son have been lately I am pleased to be able to say that both are recovering incredibly well.

I was at home all last week to look after my son after his operation, so it was my husband's first week back at work full-time, and by himself too. But praise God apart from some aches and pains which have responded to prayer, he has been well. My son also continues to recover really well - wounds are healing nicely and aches and pains have subsided. The task now is to get his energy levels back up, as after two weeks of not doing too much he is flagging when he tries anything 'normal', like walking the dog around the block. But he will get there.

Me, I was so pleased to have a week 'off' - a week at home anyway. I was thoroughly exhausted after all the hospital visits, and left feeling lethargic and with profound nausea. Each day the nausea has subsided a little more (with a slight hiccup yesterday after eating some Camembert cheese, which my body didn't seem to happy with, although it was yummy at the time), but so far I have lost about a stone (14 pounds) in weight! Not a recommended weight loss diet, and trust me, I am so over nausea now, but I trust it will get better.

However, when the infirmities have improved, the devil decided to start having a go in another way. Things kicked off with my eldest daughter and her crazy boyfriend again. We had thought things were going reasonably well with her and she seemed almost pleasant at times, but then last weekend she announced that actually she still only liked her older brother, she tolerated (at times) her younger brother and sister, and although she loved my husband and I (because she 'had to'), she most certainly did not like us.

She also declared that on her 16th birthday, which is just before Christmas, she is planning to leave home to go and live with him. That would of course give us just about the worst Christmas we have ever had.

Now I suffer with the initial shock when these things are said, but then God seems to fill me with some astounding ability to calm down, look at it objectively and become aware of a deep inner peace and a knowledge that God is in this, that in the long term, no matter how long it takes, everything will be OK. That is God at work in me. It is not because I am somehow special, but because He is loving and because of all the work He's done in me over many, many years (I was such a complete mess years ago - He had to change me, and works on me still : ) ).

But my poor husband suffers so much when she is so hateful. Last Sunday was Father's Day here, but instead of it being a celebration, he was heartbroken. He feels he has lost her and he's been an awful Dad, which is simply not true. But the devil is assailing his mind with lies.

I had to step in when I overheard my husband having a conversation with my daughter in the kitchen. He still believes that if only he could say the right thing he might change her mind, so he was trying really hard to say 'the right thing'. He was sobbing, bless him. There is hardly a more pitiful sound than a lovely, grown man sobbing. I don't mean crying, or shedding a tear, I mean full on, heartbreaking sobbing. It was awful. So I went in and threatened to remove him if he didn't stop upsetting himself.

It was going to be a Father's Day we would always remember for all the wrong reasons. But then over lunch we turned on God TV and Wendy Alec was giving a word about dancing before Father God, even when all seems lost. She spoke about how if we can do that, even if we are heartbroken, that it sends a signal to the enemy to remind him he is defeated.

Then God reassured us through her that those lost dreams, hopes and visions that seem forgotten, those things that cause us such pain, those difficulties that have so wearied us, will all be OK. God is on the case! He has not forgotten us! The dreams will be realised!

It touched my heart because of the belief that God has spoken certain things to me over the years, and even now, some of them 20 years old or older, they all seem impossible and dormant. Yet my spirit leaps and knows that they are around the corner, that they will come to pass.

And my dear husband, who has suffered so much over the years and suffers now terribly with my daughter, was so touched by the Holy Spirit as he heard those words of hope, that tears, Holy Spirit, gentle tears, rolled down his cheeks. It was the rubbish coming out and an overflow of God touching his heart.

I pray that next year on Father's Day we shall look back and remember this year's - not because of the heartbreak, but because it was a turning point.

I choose to believe God's promises over our circumstances and over the weariness of the struggle and the lies of the enemy. That's why I'm choosing to be found 'dancing in the dark'.

As a great Fall Out Boy song says:

"The war is won, before it's begun. Release the doves, surrender now." God has already won, even though it may not seem that way at the moment.

As if to confirm His promise to us of His love, an abundance and of us being brought out into a broad place after such a place of squeezing, this arrived on our doorstep today:

An amazing gift of food and household items from a church, to bless us as they knew we had had a tough time!

We were overwhelmed by this kindness. And a few weeks ago as folk knew our income was down throughout my husband's illness as we're self-employed, £100 was dropped through our door! It is practical love like this, as well as the prayer and emotional support we get from our church family, that shows that God is alive and well today. People are so often the hands and feet of Jesus and these works stand alongside the unexplainable acts we class as miracles - they are just as miraculous!

This week my older brother who lives in Australia is visiting with one of his children. I haven't seen him in nearly 10 years, and never met my nephew. My brother can be very challenging indeed, and certain things about him that are difficult to get your head around have been revealed since his last visit, so I am rather nervous. But yet hopeful, and assured that God is with me and as always will hold my hand, even if it's tricky.

I pray that this week you will know God's presence too and will be blessed : )

I'll finish with some more photos of my bonkers garden:

Another 'triple' flower - a trinity of Narcissus!

A bit muched by slugs this one, but still brings me great hope of an abundance to come.

A supposed 'double' tulip, but so much more than that, and in June too!

A spider lily. There are four on one stem - what a bonkers flower!

The delicate beauty of an alium.

My Month From Hell Part 2

I wrote my last post on Monday, and a lot has happened since then.

My son, who was in hospital with undiagnosed abdominal pain, started to get a little worse overnight Monday. His blood results showed worsening infection and by the morning his temperature had started to rise.

My husband had stayed overnight with him and by the time I got in Tuesday morning to relieve him, my son was rapidly worsening. I could see him go downhill before my eyes and his skin was like fire to the touch, so high was his temperature, yet his hands were freezing. He kept shivering and saying he was cold, and his skin was pale as anything. He hadn't eaten or drunk for 2 days and was on IV fluids.

The surgeon was rather rubbish and had no inter-personal skills at all. But praise God we had an advocate in a wonderful anaesthetist, who pushed for exploratory surgery earlier rather than later and that Tuesday morning they took him down for surgery.

They found a partially ruptured appendix, which was very nastily infected. They had had trouble diagnosing as his appendix wasn't on the right as most people's are, but to the left of middle and tucked away in his pelvis. So there was a lot of rummaging about with his organs and intestines to find it, and cutting through of his stomach muscles.

He was so scared going down to theatre, that he gripped my hand like he was holding on to save his life. It was a privilege to have been his rock in those scary moments before surgery.

Praise God he has slowly improved since. He has been on very large doses of antibiotics to fight infection and regular pain relief is helping. He is shuffling about somewhat, and we've had a few hiccups when the abdominal drain was removed and one of his wounds started to leak green stuff (we were told it was leftover from what was inside - if that was the colour of his appendix and the surrounding tissue (I was told told his appendix and the surrounding tissue was infected) no wonder he felt so ill), and he had a rough day Thursday. But yesterday and today he has got a little better every day.

So he's off school for 3 weeks and nothing strenuous for a month, so he misses a school camp. But frankly, after what he's been through, he's just glad to be on the mend. And bless him, he's been polite and really soldiered on throughout.

I am hoping that is the end of my month from hell. I feel a bit like a zombie, to be honest. I've gone from ill, to watching my husband nearly die, to looking after him (showering him, dressing him, doing everything) and the children and working full-time doing gardening and heavy manual work, plus paperwork and making calls in the evening, to going through the same with my son and being in hospital all week.

Monday evening my husband and I even had a conversation about if our son died, how we would go about praying for resurrection - it has been that bad.

Honestly, I have known God with me throughout. Yet again this week in hospital, Jesus was spending a lot of time holding my hand and watching over my son. God has given me strength.

But Wednesday afternoon, Thursday and Friday my strength evaporated and I was a bit like a walking zombie. And emotionally, how do you begin to 'file' and cope with nearly losing 2 family members in just a few weeks, and having a third (my daughter) threatening to leave and break up our family and dealing with the Police? Add into the mix being self-employed and losing money left, right and centre, and my mum and my husband's parents who have not offered one bit of help pretty much throughout, and a mother-in-law who is beyond difficult (and a husband who won't stand up to her and save me from the constant jibes)).

Right now the exhaustion levels are lessening, but I need time to come to grips with it all emotionally. My husband and I had another pointless, bickering argument this morning. Probably just tiredness and stress. But it is also emotionally draining.

But I do know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that if it were not for the power of prayer, for God being with us and fighting for us, for the wonderful love of God shown through His people the church who have given us meals and helped with childcare and prayed, we would not be here. I have to trust Him, as an act of will, to sort out all the rest too. And He will, I just have to be patient.

When things are a little more settled I can embark on the tentative start of my preaching career - going round with a mentor and starting the studying that I need to complete to become a 'qualified' preacher in the denomination of our church (it's a Methodist church, but we're Christians, it just happens to be the church God led us to). I'm very nervous, but again know I can trust God.

If it weren't for Him, who knows where I'd be. And I think the outcome of the past few weeks/ month would be rather different. Praise God that He is our redeemer, who redeems us from our troubles.

Hope your weeks have been good, and if you've prayed after my last post, a mighty, mighty thank you!

Be blessed : )

My Month From Hell Part 1

Just a quick post today. I was hoping to write more, but we have been playing catch up big time since my husband's illness, both financially, with work and with household chores. Let alone trying to actually spend some time with the children?!

My eldest daughter continues to be a challenge, having been caught speaking to her 'boyfriend' on a friend's phone twice last week. She then told us that she likes her eldest brother, tolerates her youngest siblings and hates us and still wants to leave. But God encouraged me by reminding me that before she was born, when she was well overdue, He gave me a dream the night before they'd threatened to induce me.

In the dream I was in church, with people all around me, and my back against a wall. I said to the people something along the lines of: "No matter how difficult a situation, even when you're backed into a corner, God can turn the situation around 180 degrees."

I was doing a Maths Degree at the time so the 180 degrees bit spoke clearly to me. In hospital later that day my daughter was thankfully diagnosed breech due to one midwife questioning her position. So pleased she did, or I would've been induced breech and they wouldn't have known until a bum came out instead of a head, and I was screaming. To birth breech has a very high risk of death to the baby, and can't imagine it's much good for the mum either.

But thanks to God stepping in, my daughter was turned the 180 degrees spoken of in the dream. It took 5 goes, and she was the largest, latest baby they'd ever done (9lb 2oz and 14 days overdue). But thanks to a successful turning (I knew it would work, God gave me such peace), she was born naturally. God brought her forth via a miracle.

Being reminded of that was awesome as I can now know God can turn this dreadful situation around too.

But I have a more pressing issue to deal with. My eldest son woke us at 4am with abdominal pain and feeling unwell. We've been up since then. He got progressively worse and was ambulance into hospital with suspected appendicitis. They're holding off doing an op as his symptoms are not completely in line with appendicitis, but he definitely has acute abdominal pain, an infection and a fever and is very poorly. Poor chap has been nil by mouth all day. My husband is staying overnight with him whilst I hold the fort at home, and we'll swap again in the morning. But we're all shattered and rather concerned, but doing our best to trust.

But essentially they don't know what it is and we really need God to step in and heal him. Effectively to save him.

If you're someone who prays, we'd truly value your support. This has been a ridiculous fortnight - two family members rushed to hospital in ambulances in acute pain, trying to keep a business going and income coming in (with one chap who is dreadful at paying and owes us loads, yet he's very wealthy), and dealing with the Police and a very difficult teenage daughter/situation. It's only because of God that I'm not a quivering wreck!

Anyway, be blessed and will keep you updated : )

My Week From Hell Part 2

To set the scene for the lead up to my husband's near-death experience as spoken of in Part 1:

Earlier this year we had stepped out in faith and booked a holiday. At the time the amount would be sort of do-able if we put money aside each week, which is hard when many customers don't pay you on time. However since then, so many things have gone wrong or broken, usually on our very old cars, and our holiday budget went out the window. So we have been working long, hard hours.

The two weeks leading up to it all, I had had the flu or sinusitis and felt really rough. In addition my Vitamin D had become very low again, adding to the constant nausea (which makes it hard to eat anything), overwhelming lethargy and generally feeling grotty. I tried to work through it, but the Thursday and Friday of my husband's injury on the Friday, I had spent much of the time in bed feeling pretty grotty.

The previous weekend and weeks prior there had been a general feeling of tenseness and strife in our house, with a lot of bickering and arguing going on. So much so in fact that I texted a few of our friends that we pray with to ask for prayer as I felt we were under a specific attack or assignment from the devil. It sounds quite extreme, but as a Christian I believe the spiritual realm is as real as the world we live in, and angels and demons are organised like armies (as described in the Bible). As such they can have specific assignments for attack or defence, just like a regular army.

Within an hour of sending that text one of the people we share school lifts with, that we normally get on very well with, rang up and had a real go at me about nothing in particular and had me in tears. My husband had to go round to speak with him and get to the bottom of it, and generally he was just being odd. Coincidence?

The weekend and start of the week leading up to my husband's injury we'd had a lot of stress with my eldest daughter and the ongoing saga (as moaned/ spoken about in many a previous blog post!) with her very unsuitable boyfriend. He has called and left dreadful messages, messaged us nastily via Facebook, sent horrid texts and spoken to us on the phone being quite awful. On top of him being dreadful and having me in tears one dinner time that week, our daughter told us she can't wait to leave home at 16 and be with him, but she was happy for us to spend money on her in the meantime and support her when she'd gone.

When you have poured your heart and soul and such love into a person you've helped create, your own daughter, to have such vileness returned, is heart breaking. It's like she's under a spell, as honestly he's so unkind and thoughtless towards her we can't see what she sees in him. It is almost like and addiction. I felt literally in pieces that week leading up to it all.  : (

Then of course the main event happened, with me already heart broken and ill that week. That combined with the shock and lack of sleep was awful, and I had to completely rely on the Lord. But the Bible so often talks about God being our strength, I can truly say that was the case, and in hospital I was able to be strong for my husband and know some peace, and a quiet inner strength that was not mine. I've also been able to maintain a positive attitude throughout. The Bible talks about how important our thoughts are, so I've worked hard this week to keep all mine positive and chuck all the rubbish ones out. I've also worked hard to remain joyful and putting my husband and kids first. Sounds straightforward, but after a while of being so out of my comfort zone my normal instinct is to start feeling a little resentment and grumpy. But with god's help I've been able to keep all that at bay and stay strong and joyful - a great improvement from the negative, depressed person I was some years ago!

After we came home from the hospital and I'd had two hours sleep in two days, and was still pretty shell-shocked, my daughter's boyfriend called. He had already called and harassed my mum that morning. She had told him my daughter was not home (she wasn't, she was at grandparents as we'd been in hospital) and neither were we. He was pretty rude to her. When I picked up that evening he said, 'Oh, so you are home!', then proceeded to go on a rant. Honestly, even I am surprised at how patient I was with him during that call, and I tried everything to calm him. But no matter what I say, all he hears is 'you hate me, you hate me', which is not  true.

So he carried on. I said 'Look, my husband nearly died last night, I haven't slept much, she's not here, so please just leave us alone to get some rest.' More ranting. So I confess I lost it. He pushed me beyond my limits. And I told him to go away, not very politely, and hung up. Not my best moment, but considering quite understandable I think.

Within an hour I had the Police on the phone. He had called to complain about me - that I had been rude to him and that I won't let him see my daughter. He has called them before apparently to complain about me. Honestly, I was soooo beyond exhausted and emotionally drained by then I just cried hysterically on the phone to the Policeman. He listened to the whole saga, and thankfully was most understanding and came down my side of the fence. Boyfriend has been given a formal warning, been told not to contact us or our daughter again, and been told to get over it. If he or his parents contact or harass us anymore, we just need to tell the Police and they will arrest boyfriend. Phew! Let's hope this is it. Daughter is not happy, but hopefully no contact will help draw the poison out and allow her to move on in her life. Its been like a recurring nightmare, getting progressively worse for nearly a year now. Pray God this is the end of it.

Since Thursday my husband has been making a little progress every day, which is so much faster than expected. The diagnosis went from broken/ fractured hip/ pelvis, to slipped or herniated disc, to spine being out of alignment, causing muscle spasm and trapped nerve. In any of those cases we were told weeks and weeks to see improvement. Improvements started after 6 days. But even in those 6 days of no improvement and me suddenly having to cope with the shock of it, getting over flu, bonkers boyfriend and suddenly having to do a very physical job full time, I felt a deep inner peace underneath it all and a sense that I wasn't to worry it would all be OK. That's God really, at the heart of it. Sometimes we don't get the instant miracle we crave, but He does get us through. And we've been so looked after by our church and friends, it's been awesome. And in it I've know a joy, peace and strength that is not of me. Thank you, God. Hopefully by the end of the week husband will be able to drive and then the latter end of next week start a very slow and staggered return to work, whilst being very careful! But overall, all heading in the right direction, which after a  week of non-movement and horrific pain is awesome.

There are hard things too. My husband's brother and sister-in-law, who decided long ago to hate us for no apparent reason, when told of husband's near death, were completely indifferent. How many of us could have no care when a sibling nearly dies, no matter how little we get along with them? Honestly we've tried everything there too. I just feel sad for them now. How deceived and under the devil's cosh must they be to be so full of hate?

But overall I can already see the good in this. Like a flower blossoming early or unexpectedly, I can see God's hand in it. He didn't prevent it, but so much good will come of it I'm sure, that in time we may be grateful He didn't. But He is getting us through, even if at times I am so exhausted at the moment that I can't hold a conversation!

To finish here's another sign of God's promise to us. My bonkers daffodils are still flowering, and this one managed to produce three daffodils on one stalk!!

A trinity of daffodils! I take it as a good sign!

God promises double blessings for your trouble - perhaps we shall get triple?!

Pretty amazing that one bulb can have so much grow from it. God's clever!

Anyway, must be off to shower after a long day, then more chocolate and a large cup of hot, strong tea - a lifesaver to us Brits - tea fixes anything I'm told ; )

Be blessed : )

My Week From Hell! (Part 1)

Yet again I have been AWOL, with far less posts than I would like, but my reason this time is even more genuine than previous ones!

Life had been ridiculous as always, but over the past couple of weeks my husband had complained of various muscular aches and pains in his right leg and hip. Then, on Friday 23rd, after a heavy day at work, he bent down to pat the dog on the head, and 'bam!', he couldn't get back up.

He was in agony. Thinking it was a muscular spasm he tried to walk it off, but the pain only increased. He reached a point where he could not move, sit or stand and was left propped against the dining room table in excruciating pain. After an hour and it not improving I called the out of hours Doctor service. They called back and advised that he had to go into hospital as he was in such acute pain.

The ambulance came and took about an hour getting him onto a gurney. They then took another hour getting enough pain killers into him for the journey to hospital. During this time I was organising my eldest son's girlfriend getting picked up (I was supposed to drop her home - it was the first time she had come round for tea, I think we may have scared her!), packing stuff for my husband for hospital, and getting my 4 kids and the dog sorted so that I could go with my husband. It was manic.

At the hospital we had to wait in the hall for a bed to become available. Then getting him onto the bed was a tremendous challenge, as every little movement caused him to scream in agony. They x-rayed him as they thought it was a broken pelvis or hip, or a bone fracture - but nothing. Each test took ages to happen. Here's the photograph of husband's arm 8 days after he was out of hospital. The bruising is a result of their four botched attempts to take blood for testing:

Yes, he cried when they tried, even on morphine!

Pretty gruesome! This is when it was better!

Because things don't move fast in hospitals, unless an emergency, I was about to go home (he was on a lot of pain meds by then, so snoozing lightly). I turned my back on him for a moment, and when I turned back his eyes had rolled into the back of his head - he was unconscious.

I had to stand in Accident and Emergency shouting for help, and when they got to him they realised he wasn't breathing. They started CPR and chest compressions, and one nurse tried to take me off to a 'relatives room' to wait as they worked on him. 'It's not nice watching this,' she said. 'Come on, you don't want this in your memory bank.' I was probably looking a bit panicked, but I remember saying to her 'I'm alright. I won't get in your way, but I don't want to leave him. If this is the end, I want to be here.'

I remember standing there talking to God in that moment. We had gone in with my husband in pain, a muscular problem we thought. And in that moment I was faced with perhaps walking out of that place, never seeing him again. All evening we had been praying, praising and reading the Bible, crying out to God, but I remember wondering how his death could possibly be part of God's plan. It was dreadful, and scary and I think, life changing. Everything falls into perspective when you're met with that.

Praise God they got him breathing again. They don't know why it happened, possibly pain, shock and medications. But they said that had they not intervened there was no guarantee he would have started breathing again as he'd stopped for longer than people usually do in that type of faint. Praise God I was there and turned to look at him in that moment and noticed. Praise God he's not dead.

After that I wasn't about to go anywhere and couldn't take my eyes off him to see if he was breathing! They did various test throughout the night, ruled out fractures or bones and offered a diagnosis of muscular/ nerve/ tendon, but nothing more. He showed no signs of improvement however until friends started praying around 6.30am, then he improved just enough to be able to shuffle to the loo by himself, albeit on morphine, valium and an anti-inflammatory drug. Because his pain was being 'managed' (he still couldn't move or do anything) they said he could go home.

Somehow I managed to fold him gently into the car, and after over 30 hours without sleep (plus an awful lot of stress and adrenaline) I drove home (whilst praying I could keep my concentration). After settling him on the sofa, I scuttled off to bed for a couple of hours' sleep.

The shock of it all - the sudden intrusion of pain into our lives and the trauma of seeing my husband almost die - has taken the week to wear off. Some of it I'm sure I'll never quite manage to 'file' properly in my head. I don't know how to quantify near death experiences like that. But in spite of it all, I can see that God has been with us in it. Even when I stood, all alone, watching them resuscitate my husband, I am sure Jesus stood next to me and reached out to hold my hand, and whisper 'Don't worry, it will be OK'.

There was quite a lot preceding all this drama, and little did I know there was more to come, but I shall tell more in Part 2, tomorrow or the day after (time allowing, as I am now working full time at our business and managing kids, meals, husband etc, as with him not working if I don't work we don't have any income). But apologies for my absence. Hopefully a clearer month ahead as he improves in health.

More Soon, be blessed : )