I can hardly believe that it has been nearly a month since my last post, but my absence can be explained by work, illness and being away last week on holiday.
Here in the UK children get only 5 1/2 weeks off school for the summer. Our business had been busy as part of what we do is gardening, so as you can imagine during the warmer months when everything grows like mad we are in demand. Therefore we'd been very busy leading up to the children's time off school, then the first week the younger ones were at a holiday club, so I continued to work long hours.
Then during my first 'week off' we had a constant stream of their friends over for sleepovers, play dates, etc, which also involved a lot of running around. We also had a wedding to attend. The following week was spent trying to get washing and the house up together enough for us to go away for our week in Cornwall. Needless to say before we went away I was utterly exhausted.
The week in Cornwall was lovely. We saw some wonderful places, spent time on the beach and the children had the opportunity to try new activities with varying degrees of success. We also had much needed 'family time'. But the weather had turned so it was a little chilly, and our 'double' bed was actually not much more than 4 foot wide (1.2 metres) and 5 foot 6 inches (1.6 metres) long. Therefore I became further run down with all the activity and fresh air and didn't sleep at all well. My husband kindly decided to sleep in the lounge so I could get some rest, but sleep was fitful and the last night I didn't sleep at all, so I ended up awake for over 32 hours, which resulted in me feeling dreadful. All in spite of prayer, faith and trusting God.
I have been reading some great books by Jennifer Rees Larcombe, Unexpected Healing and Journey Into God's Heart. She suffered from repeated bouts of a brain disease called encephalitis, which resulted in near death several times and her ending up being disabled. She was eventually healed completely, but it took 8 years, during which her many children grew up with a very poorly, disabled Mum. Then when she was miraculously healed she and her family had to readjust to her being well, but still get over the loss of her not being able to be a hands on Mum when the children really needed it when they were younger. (Oh how I relate to those years 'lost' to illness!)
God has really spoken to me through the books. Mrs Larcombe describes how she had to readjust to being disabled, when she had been very able-bodied before and finally coming to terms with that 'label' and identifying with that group of people. Her difficulties and frustration spoke to me because I realise I have been acting as though I am a completely well person and getting thoroughly frustrated when my body did not live up to expectations. I finally realise and am coming to terms with the fact that I am a person with significant health issues, who cannot expect to function and perform like a 'well' person'. My body simply does not cope as well as others and the long term medical and health issues, although seeing improvements from time to time, are very much still there and have to be handled with both rest and medication. And there are times, like when we arrived home from holiday, when I cannot function at all (I went to bed as soon as we arrived home at 4.50pm, and did not emerge for another 15 hours).
Does that mean that I have set aside hope for healing? No, not at all! In fact I fully believe that I shall be one of the fittest, most well people for miles and miles around. But I am coming to terms with the fact that my appointment with God has not happened yet, and I therefore need to live more carefully within the boundaries of my illness, for when I overstep my capabilities not only I, but my whole family suffers the consequences.
On the road to healing and whilst in the midst of a very difficult time, Mrs Larcombe describes a meeting with God that for her just as miraculous as the sudden and complete healing itself. She was very frustrated with God and got herself into a pickle whilst trying to go for a walk by herself, instead finding herself face down in a mud pool in a field, covered in mud and cow dung:
"You've turned it all to s**t!" I told God loudly. The more I struggled the deeper I sank, and it seemed to be the same with my problems.
"This is all your fault!" I added furiously. "You could change everything if only you'd heal me! ... I'm fed up of being trapped inside this body that hurts all the time, my marriage is in ruins, the children are vile and you don't take a blind bit of notice!"
As I lay there beside myself with rage and frustration, God actually came to me. I didn't 'see' him but the sense of his love all around me was so intense it made me gasp ... I did not hear an audible voice but I felt he wanted me to know that he cared about the awful mess I was in, and he
minded. Yet instead of taking it away he wanted me to let him into the middle of it ... I only had to ask and he would come."
Journey Into God's Heart, Jennifer Rees Larcombe
As if to confirm that is what the Lord wants I had a dream last night. In it we were supposed to be coming home from being away, but instead of going south back home, I had fallen asleep in the car and awoke to find that we had travelled further north, to a house of someone else who is going through a tough time. I was at first very frustrated, but there we started working on song writing together (in the dream that was my job), and I awoke with a few words from a song we'd written going round in my head:
"Just as surely as Autumn follows Summer, and with it comes the rain, so (God's) love will wash away the pain."
I am certain that I am on the road to healing, in fact it's a little more like a mountainous, rocky path, climbing up to meet God on the summit, just as Moses and Jesus did in the Bible. But in the meantime I have to open up my heart and allow Him into the centre of my pain and difficulty, trusting that His love and His presence will be sufficient for me in the process. And in the meantime I will have to learn to be more patient and endure my limitations with better grace and judgement, and adapt life accordingly, until God chooses to remove them.
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| God wants me to put my hand in His and not worry about the incoming tide or the storms on the horizon, but to trust His love is more than enough ... | |
God confirmed this to me through a bookmark I had picked up in church just before we went away. the following photos were taken on holiday:
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| Energy generating windmills are a common sight in Cornwall ... |
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| Winds, storms and 'difficulties' are transformed into power with the right bit of kit! |
When I was reading one evening on holiday I looked at the bookmark and it was a photo of windmills exactly like those above! I felt God was saying that He knew all about me, where I was going, and in spite of how it seems, He
is in control. The scripture on the bookmark read 'God's Spirit fills us with power and self control' 2 Timothy 1: 7. As the Bible says that God Himself
is love, and as the Holy Spirit
is God, that could be paraphrased to say, 'God's love fills us with power and self control' (even in the midst of my overwhelming weakness). Oh how I need that love, that power and that self-control, so I may be loving and patient (and not grumpy, frustrated, short-tempered and cross, as I am sadly so regularly when feeling so unwell) in my struggles!
Again God has confirmed this to me via a prophetic word on The Elijah List. It's by Ben Peters, posted August 23rd, entitled 'Turning Disappointments Into Greater Favour - A Vision of New Pathway". Part of it says:
"Many of God's people today are wondering what's going on.
They thought they were on the path of God's choosing for them. But
roadblocks have put them on a detour and they are wondering why. For
many of them, God has had to do some road repairs to prepare for their
more efficient progress. They haven't been rejected or set on the shelf.
Instead, they are being given a brief time of rest and refreshing, so
they can make much quicker progress on a road that has been repaired and
prepared for greater and more glorious Kingdom advancement."
God is indeed transforming me and repairing me for the path he has for me ahead. So I am spending more time with God. Not trying to fix myself or getting angry when I do not seem to be getting better. But just asking for more of His love to overflow me, and give me the grace to endure patiently, as I await further divine intervention and healing.
I will do a further post shortly with some additional holiday snaps I hope will bless you. But apologies for the absence. I pray your summer has been blessed, even if perhaps difficult, and that we all may know more of God's love in our trials, and beyond. Be blessed : )
