Jericho!

In the book of Joshua in the Bible a 'battle' for the city of Jericho is spoken about. The Israelites had been freed from Egypt, then had wandered the wilderness for 40 years and now at last they had entered the 'Promised Land' - the land that God had spoken to Abraham about a long time before, and had said it would belong to Abraham and his descendants.

The Promised Land was occupied and God had told the Israelites that they were to clear the land and occupy it. It is not just a history of that area of land, it also speaks to Christians about our life with God. When we become Christians we do suddenly become part of God's Kingdom and come under His rule and His blessing, but it doesn't necessarily mean that our lives become changed, cleaned up and immaculate overnight. On a rare occasion I have heard a testimony to that effect, but for most of us it is a life long journey to slowly deal with the damage and work of the enemy, the devil, in our lives and to receive healing and cleansing so that more and more of our lives can be healthy and whole, and can bring glory to God - to effectively demonstrate His great love and kindness towards humankind.

In the battle for the city of Jericho, God gives Joshua clear instructions. Jericho was a large, walled city which was seemingly impenetrable. However God's instructions were surprising and strange. This is Joshua 6: 3 - 5:

^"3 March around the city once with all the armed men. Do this for six days. ⁴ Have seven priests carry trumpets of rams’ horns in front of the ark. On the seventh day, march around the city seven times, with the priests blowing the trumpets. ⁵ When you hear them sound a long blast on the trumpets, have the whole army give a loud shout; then the wall of the city will collapse and the army will go up, everyone straight in. "

The long and the short of it is that according to the scripture the plan worked, the walls fell (there is genuine archaeological evidence to support this) and Joshua and the Israelites took Jericho. But the point I wanted to make is that sometimes, when we have a large enemy stronghold in our lives, God asks us to do some strange things and we have to act before we see the results.

For me, with my battle against ill health, as I've mentioned before, each time I would seem to hit a wall God would direct me to get prayer with some good Christian friends, and each time (praise Him!) a layer of ill health would lift and things would get a bit better. Last year, during some of the worst of this battle, I took a surprising step. I got a tattoo.

I had prayed about it for a long time, but it was something I really felt was right to do. It is on my lower back, so no one really gets to see it. However during the worst of my illness and all the serious financial and debt issues we had had to face before the battle for health, I went through a very protracted wilderness experience. Even though I cried out in great need and desperation, my prayers seemed to bounce off the ceiling. And if I'm honest, this very dark, very difficult period caused me to doubt my faith. I'd known God my whole life (even though I wasn't brought up in a Christian home - a story for another day), but He seemed to have turned his back, and I seriously doubted. I even found myself shouting "If you don't speak, I will know you're not real!", and then had to question, if I am doubting, who am I talking to? It was those times that made me realise that I might be mad at God, but I knew He could hear and was real.

It was when I wasn't very far out of this period (and the debts still remain to this day, although they slowly diminish as we labour to pay them off) that I fell ill and another battle began. But by now I had learnt that so often praise comes before the victory. So although I felt so very unwell, I decided that I was putting an end to all doubts once and for all, and that no matter what happened in my life I was going to show the enemy I was God's child and I wasn't going to change on that count. Ever.

I prayed and thought long and hard and this is what I came up with:

It is my testimony in a nutshell. The butterfly is a Blue Morpho. Blue is often associated with Heaven and God's Kingdom, and butterflies represent metamorphosis - God has taken much of my ugliness and made it into something beautiful on the inside (I hope - although I know I am very much a 'work in progress'!). The scripture is my testimony, the story of God's work in me: "In my anguish I cried out to the Lord, and He answered by setting me free."

Now how does this relate to Jericho? I had the tattoo done whilst still in the thick of the battle. Effectively, it was my battle cry before the walls fell. Did I feel a bit daft? In a way, yes, because at the time the scripture wasn't true as far as ill health went (more a prophecy of what was to come). But I suspect the Israelites, who were greatly feared because of God's victory on their behalf with the Egyptians, felt rather foolish marching around a city and then doing nothing for 6 days, before blowing trumpets and shouting on the 7th! But who had the last laugh?

I still battle on. But I am so very much improved. Last week I worked 4 days out of 5, had 8 meetings with, or about, the children, had a prayer meeting about my health on Friday and we had our son's 9th birthday party on Saturday and Sunday. I could not have done that even a few months ago.

Friday I had a prayer meeting with friends about my health, as I don't want to live managing situations with pharmaceuticals. Two of us felt there was more to pray into and something else, perhaps one last thing, to be revealed, dealt with and go. So we are meeting again tonight. But whatever happens, I know, and the enemy knows, that I have already raised my shout of victory and claimed the victory in faith. No matter how silly or foolish I look, no matter how long it takes, I know what the Bible says about my health now and I know My God much better, and I know that it is just a matter of time before the walls in my life come tumbling down. And after the ill health has gone, I can truly set to work on the debts, the relatives who refuse to talk to us, etc (there will always be another victory to be won)!

May you be blessed, and may you see your walls of difficulty come tumbling down : )

Fear Not

Today has been a good day. Each day, particularly each day that I have concerns about (maybe I have to do something that is a stretch or I need courage for, or perhaps I am feeling unwell, etc), I try to start by saying, 'This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it' (Psalm 118: 24). Well today, I am able to rejoice and be glad in it.

I had to do the morning school run today. 'So what?' I hear you ask. Well since becoming very unwell back in the second half of 2011 I haven't been able to do it consistently. My husband has been doing it for me, which has been possible through a reasonably understanding employer and then the start of our business and being able to be more flexible in our work. I have done the odd morning, but it has always been with great difficulty.

But today I had to do the morning school run, and praise God I slept reasonably well (normally when faced with a challenge the following day I sleep badly and struggle sometimes to sleep at all), and have felt good all day. I have been able to be very productive, and although starting to feel tired now, I have a lot on for the rest of the day and feel able with God's help to face it. True, God is working through the new medication, which is making life so much more manageable and situations so much easier to face, but it is still God.

Last week God spoke to me through various things and I came to realise that I had been starting to worry again and was being harassed by a 'fear of lack'. He spoke very clearly through some of Joyce Meyer's words, from one of her devotionals:

"One of the biggest fears that people face is the fear of lack. It’s the fear that your needs won’t be met – that you’ll run out of resources and that God won’t come through for you in time.

You may be in a situation of lack that you’ve never been in before, in desperate need of finances or other resources to simply meet your basic needs. Maybe you’re facing an emotional or spiritual lack. The spirit of fear might be attacking you, telling you that God cannot meet your needs and that you won’t make it.

You need to know today that the enemy is a liar, and God cares about your situation. He has a plan and He is working on your behalf to provide what you need at the right time. Even when it seems like nothing is coming your way, God always knows how to miraculously provide.

Whatever your needs may be – financial, physical, emotional, spiritual – you don’t have to fear lack. God will provide for you, comfort you, nourish you and bring you back to a place of strength. Trust in His provision."

God also spoke to me through After Earth, a movie I watched at the weekend. In the film Will Smith is playing a General called Cypher Raige. He is speaking to his son Kitai Raige (played by his real son Jaden Smith), explaining how he gained the ability of what they called 'ghosting' - moving with almost no fear, so that the alien enemies hunting humans could not sense him. He says:

"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present, and may not ever, exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Now, do not misunderstand me - danger is very real. But fear is a choice."

God made me realise that when I allow fear to start creeping back in, I am walking back into the enemy's territory. He says to us through the Bible, in fact He commands us, to 'fear not'. He says it over and over to Joshua, to fear not for He is with him. But it doesn't mean 'Don't be afraid'. It means, do not allow fear to stop you doing what God tells you to do.

Well, God is also with us. Just because we can't always see Him, or sense Him, or hear Him, doesn't make Him any less real. In fact I am convinced that He is more real than we are. I have been afraid of potential, as yet unseen, future outcomes. But yet, in spite of all my worrying, I am still here, I am safe, I am getting better, I am warm, I am fed and I have so very many reasons to rejoice. Worrying has never gained me anything. But fear has prevented me from many things. Fear has truly proved to be, in the long term, False Evidence Appearing Real (F.E.A.R.).

A long time ago I felt God call me to do something, to use a certain skill set He had given me to step out for Him. Doing this blog is part of that calling, but there is still so much I have left undone because I am scared. I have stepped out before and been rejected, hurt and laid aside, and it almost broke my spirit. I feel God is now saying to me, to all those who love Him, to 'fear not'. To step out.

Today I was able to deal with a situation that has in the past made me unwell, and dealt me some very bad memories. But today God has planted a good memory that will help overcome the past. And I am very grateful.

Today I would encourage you to consider what is holding you back from where you would like to be? Is fear trying to prevent you from stepping out? I pray that you and I can lay aside our fears and worries one by one, and step out into all that God has for us, as we daily and hourly choose to trust Him over believing the fear. It is said that each journey begins with even the smallest of steps. May we all make steps forward, no matter how small, as we journey through this week.

May your week be truly blessed, and may God meet you where you're at : ) 

His Glory Will be Seen

It has been another interesting week, and busy, but better in many ways : )

I have been tired and still a little dizzy as I continued to slowly recover from the dreadful migraine that plagued me last week, but each day has been better than the last. I have been able to work, able to start cooking again, able to do the school pick ups, able to go to meetings (I had a big and very important meeting regarding my eldest son who is possibly on the Autistic spectrum, and who has been experiencing some problems - the meeting went well and had a great outcome - he will receive the help he needs going forward) and able to partake in normal life (which in our household is always a little crazy!).

The new medication I have been given has had a big part to play in my ability to cope better. It has some very minor side effects, but all negligible compared to the great benefits I receive from it. I know as time moves forward and my general health improves, I shall be able to come off it. I thank God for His sudden intervention at the recent Doctor's appointment which afforded me the prescription and advice I needed.

That same appointment also saw me set up with a blood test for several things, including Vitamin D, which I seem to be perpetually low in. My reading was just over the edge of the 'normal' scale, which is poor considering it is the end of the summer and I have been working outside in the sun quite a lot - we should have a good store to take us through the winter. I'd also taken two very large Vitamin D capsules to top up, so to be barely into the normal range suggests I'm still not storing it or able to hang onto it. But it does give me the information I need to help keep on top of it over the winter.

I did see another Doctor this week as an infection I'd had in my saliva glands didn't seem to have fully gone away after one treatment of antibiotics, and it was making me start to feel run down again. It has honestly been one virus, infection or migraine after another for a couple of months now, on top of longer term health issues, so it's no wonder I'm a bit run down and a bit grumpy about things. But again I have to praise God that I live somewhere that provides free (you have to pay for the medicines, but it's a small cost) health care and medicine that will help fight off the infection.

The medicine has been working because I started to get a very upset stomach yesterday - a side effect. The antibiotics not only kill off the bad bugs in your system, but the good bugs in your digestive system too. It was hard as I was trying to complete our business' and personal tax returns, so I confess I got rather annoyed by it. But at least I know they are working and I pray that this time the infection will go. I am also praying that after this I have come to the end of the additional niggling health issues, and I can work on improving my general health and hopefully becoming more robust again.

For so long I have realised that my physical health does not match up to how I feel mentally or spiritually. My body, instead of seeming like an extension and expression of myself, has felt rather like the enemy - something to be fought against. At times it has felt like I have been trapped inside a body that constantly lets me down, and it has seemed as though people have seen the illness, instead of me. It has felt as though I was judged on my health, and not who I am. But then I realised I have the privilege of being assured by God that I will get better, although the assurance has been more of a recent occurrence - before that, with no diagnosis I was also walking in the dark in blind faith (and often stumbling). I have had two dreams recently after prayer and asking the Lord for guidance, wisdom and assurance - in both it was scary, but I knew the Lord was coming to rescue me and soon the light would overshadow and extinguish the darkness. How must it be to not have that assurance? Or to be injured or have a disability with no hope of a cure, other than a miracle? I hope that perhaps one day I will know the Lord's power moving through my life in such a way that I can offer His light and His hope in even the most 'hopeless' of situations, and after having suffered a little be better able to offer the compassion I know is so desperately needed in those dark places. I still, in spite of my struggles, believe the answer to every problem is Jesus.

I still struggle to maintain a good attitude and spend proper time with the Lord. I do speak with Him all the time and go through periods where I study the Bible almost constantly, but in my life and with constant illness, finding a regular time has been impossible. I also find on days like yesterday (when I finally feel I am making progress and then bam! - the rug is pulled from beneath my feet once more and I am in pain and unwell) it is very hard to not be grumpy. But I am getting quicker at apologising and correcting my attitude. So I am improving. And I am trying, as in the above, to see the light in every situation and keep a positive attitude. I ask the Lord to keep revealing Himself to me.

When working this week I felt God remind me through the wonder of nature of this:

Behind every dark cloud, lies the sun as bright as ever ..

The sun drenched places are only a step away from the shade.

I also noticed that it is only when the sun is full and bright that the shade is at its darkest. It speaks similarly of this in Isaiah 60: 2 :

"For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and thick darkness the peoples; but the Lord will arise upon you, and his glory will be seen upon you."

The dreams God sent me in answer to my prayers were very scary and indicated that I am in a battle, that there is 'thick darkness' surrounding me and threatening to encroach me, but in each dream I knew help was on its way, and I feel assured that indeed 'the Lord will arise upon me' and that at last I might reach the potential He has placed in me and 'His glory will be seen upon [me]'.

Last time I was out working I promised to try to capture the scene, as it was so beautiful:

When you often get to work in an environment as beautiful as this, with one of the people you love most in the world by your side (my husband, usually working across the lawn from me), and when you can work communing with God, you already have a lot to be thankful for.

I am often grumpy, but praise God these days I seem to be more often 'praising the Lord and forgetting not all His benefits' (Psalm 103: 2).

I pray that this week you will be able to see God's blessings in your life and you would know His peace. And even if you are in the darkest of dark places, hidden in gloom and shade, you will know that the sunlight is just a step away; the Lord will arise and His glory will be seen - in you.

God bless you : )

Missing In Action

I can only apologise for the length of time since my last post. I do intend to post twice a week, or thereabouts, but I've been laid up, yet again, so I've not been near my computer.

I'd had a superb week, as I reported in my last post, the week before last. I'd been able to work pretty much full time and I'd felt great. I was on a wave of praise and thanksgiving, and felt that perhaps at last I was starting to be really well. I guess that's so often the hope of the long-term ill (and yes, I know compared to so many suffering souls, a little over 2 years doesn't seem like a long time) - that when you start to feel better this will be the time that you manage to maintain it. But then ...

... Stealthily as anything my period crept up on me. I'd been feeling so well that I'd hardly noticed it was about to arrive, and for a change I'd had blessedly little PMS (I'm sure my husband and family were immensely grateful : ) ). But it was a nasty one. More painful than any I'd had in a long time, long in length, and it must've come with a huge dose of hormones because I had the migraine from hell that accompanied it.

I've suffered since a teenager with hormone issues: dreadful periods (passing out at college and then crawling around on all fours begging for help was not one of my better days), terrible PMS, hormone related migraines and on the verge of polycystic ovaries with many of the nasty symptoms and suspected endometriosis (all properly diagnosed or suggested by Drs - not my guess work!). I wonder if it as a result of early abuse, but have honestly prayed through it all. The battle continues but am assured of victory!

The migraine left me bed bound for several days and was around for around 10 days in all, and made me so unwell I thought I was sliding off the bed with dizziness and nausea. It also brought back some of other symptoms of illness I'd had over these past years and made me realise how easily we can lose ground to the devil. I became afraid I was really ill again.

None of it has been helped by a constant round of school and medical meetings for the children: dealing with issues relating to what my eldest had been up to (still ongoing stress, but slowly improving), appointments regarding my sons' issues relating to being on the autistic spectrum, subject choices in school, etc. As my eldest two make their way through their teenage years we've also come across several major issues, particularly these past weeks. They're great children, but the minefield of technology, media and peer pressure our teens face these days is immense, and as a parent it is so very hard to maintain boundaries and safeguarding without developing control issues!

Anyway, I was desperate to make it to church this morning, as I've not managed church in months due to my health. Despite being awake until gone 3.30 a.m. this morning, I made it! The congregation was asked for testimonies at one point and everybody seemed reluctant, so I nervously went to the front. My testimony was simple: "I'm finally here!" I briefly shared that due to ongoing health issues visiting church has become an issue, but it was an answer to prayer that we'd made it today. We were shown such an outpouring of love and we were made aware that many people in our church family had been praying for us these past months. It was such a blessing.

The migraine has only niggled very very slightly today. I found that generally I felt great anxiety and wobbly. Going to church was very difficult. After being housebound and unable to drive, and experiencing some scarily unwell moments this week, I discovered I had completely lost my confidence. The medication I had been taking also left some unpleasant after effects which scared me. But I prayed, and I felt the Lord encourage me once again to put my confidence in Him and to BELIEVE! Yet again I had been allowing negative thoughts to flood in and wandered up the wrong path. Instead I have tried today to ignore the worrying thoughts, and instead believe all the positive ones. I have even gone a step further and thought positive Bible-based ideas on purpose, such as 'I am healed', 'The migraine is going' and 'I will be fully well soon'. And once again I've put my hand in the Father's in complete trust and scared abandonment, I've jumped off the cliff and once again He's caught me. I do feel so much improved from this morning it's unbelievable - well, almost!

I feel I should also add that throughout, one thing that constantly challenged me was my attitude. I am still appallingly miserable when ill. I did through the latter part of the migraine attempt to maintain a good, faith-filled and still praising attitude. But I am acutely aware how much like a whingeing child I am when lacking comfort. Another area in which I battle on in repentance and submission!

It is now late and I must go and rest. I am faced with yet another busy week that I have to place in the Lord's hands. But I so much wanted to explain my absence.

The battle for health, and the fullness of God's Kingdom and all He has for us, continues. I've been down again, but I'm not out. And I look forward to all the wonderful blessings stored up for the future - for I do not believe He ever allows us to suffer without good reason. I believe it is preparation.... at least, I do so much hope so!

I pray you will know God's presence this week even if things don't seem to go right - that you will be able to keep on believing and remain praising, no matter what, and that together we shall all make it through to that 'broad place' (Psalm 66). God bless : )

Long Grass or Apples

Sorry for the long absence between posts. It hasn't been intentional, but life has been a little bit ridiculous the past couple of weeks, as I shall explain ...

Work has been busy and the children have had a lot on. My husband had had a lot of evening appointments and commitments, which had made life even more busy. I had gratefully had a couple of days of feeling not too bad, actually, in fact pretty good. I said thank you rather a lot to the Lord for that! Then Wednesday afternoon I started to feel unwell again. This continued, but I still managed to keep working and on Thursday evening I tackled showering/ bathing our youngest two children. They can mostly sort themselves out, so its not too bad, but they do need supervision or they end up putting pyjamas onto wet bodies (as they can't be bothered to dry themselves properly!), or they get distracted. I was so pleased to tell my husband when he came in that they were all done (it was a job I had had to stop doing for a quite a while whilst very unwell). I moved onto the hair drying before bed, and then my youngest told me her head itched.

Oh no, I thought. 'I think I've got nits Mummy, as my head is very itchy.' Urgh!

I don't do creepy crawlies. With great trepidation I looked. Oh, I thought, I didn't know she had a small mole there on her scalp. And then the 'mole' moved!

Don't worry if you've not heard of nits. Their proper name is head lice. And for some reason English schools always seem to be rife with them. They only apparently like clean hair, so its not to do with being unwashed or gross, thank goodness. I am grateful that in four children this is only the second time we have encountered the dreaded nits in nearly 15 years. Needless to say we were up that night and the next until late, treating hair with a special solution, changing sheets and doing a lot of washing! My poor husband is just doing another treatment on our youngest as it looked like they were trying to make a come back. Yuk!

On Friday I awoke with a very sore, stiff neck and throat. When I ventured a look in the mirror I noticed a strange lump under my chin, which was most tender. Wonderful, I thought, there is something else wrong with me. I was not happy!

I had to leave work very early to nip to a Doctor's appointment and felt most grumpy. However I should have known the Lord was in control. Normally when you have a lump in your neck or throat, the Dr says 'You must have a virus, it will clear by itself.' But not this time. Apparently I had an infection in my saliva glands and I had to take antibiotics. It was a good job I'd gone. But not only that, the Dr offered me another blood test to check my Vitamin D levels (which I suspect are low as I'm feeling very tired and rather grotty), plus he gave me some new, better medication for when I become unwell. So my irritation turned to gratitude - it was a very worthwhile visit! The new medication should also help me to get out a bit more without all the adrenalin over-reaction. Yay!

The last major problem we had was with our eldest. It turns out she had been making some questionable decisions with a new friend, and then working hard to deceive us about it. She has always been my reliable one - helpful, mature, honest and lovely. But for a little while, whilst getting close to this new friend, she had become a little different - distant, sullen, snappy, at times rather rude and disrespectful - she had been like another child altogether. I had been asking the Lord for guidance about the friendship and asking Him to intervene. I had prayed for the friend's salvation and for our daughter to be a good influence on them. We'd had the new friend over lots of times and done our best to be loving and kind. In essence I had truly done my best.

I can't be specific about what they'd been up to, even anonymously, but it was incredibly unwise and it was only by the grace of God (oh, how he looks after us, even when we doubt him!) that things came to light. Praise God, if they hadn't, things could have become irreparable.

Sorting things out even now though has been quite a pickle. We have had to involve a number of people and it is potentially serious. We have reluctantly had to break up the friendship as it has become clear that they simply cannot make wise decisions or be trusted together. And we have had to realise, that for now, until things can be built up again, we cannot trust our eldest with anything, not even to babysit (so no going out for us for while). She had demonstrated a clear ability to lie convincingly to our face - how do you proceed from that point? How long does it take to rebuild trust? Can I walk the dog and leave her alone, or do we need to be with her 24/ 7 for a while in case the friend turns up, or she uses her phone, laptop or our landline (all of which have been removed from her)?

Parenting is such a terribly steep learning curve. One minute you're handed a beautiful little bundle and you cannot believe that this little treasure is yours. The next they're almost ruining their life - and believe me, she'd not had much opportunity to get up to anything! I tell you, it's tutus and ballet shoes one minute, and teenagers and well, I can't say what, but dreadful things the next! It's probably a good thing they don't come with manuals. We'd all skip to age 13 upwards and run for the hills!

Praise God, after the initial shock (and some very late nights dealing with the issues involved, and some very horrendous phone calls) I have been actually not too bad. I have known, amidst the storm, a great serenity and peace that is completely other-worldly and not my own. I can only believe that all those special moments over the past years, particularly when dealing with finance and health, when I have ignored the fear and reached out to the Lord in trust and blind faith, have built something new in me.

Even the moments I have written of recently, after my friend's 40th and during the night, where I have chosen to trust in spite of circumstances, have achieved something quite supernatural. Not only this other-worldly peace, but also the improvements I have felt in my health have been supernatural. I have still had some grotty moments, but I can feel inwardly a shift, a change - just like going up a gear. I do believe I am near the end of the very bad health problems. The Lord has even been helping me, with very little effort on my part, get off medication I've been on for 8 years that is quite addictive (I've still needed it, which is why I continued to take it, but even the symptoms are improving!). He seems to be doing nothing, then bam! He comes in like a flood, but is so stealthy about it sometimes that we don't immediately realise.

So as for the strange title of this blog: We have been so busy these past months, that even simple tasks like mowing the lawn have become almost impossible, and recently our lawn resembled a meadow. Do I concentrate on the long grass that we can't mow, or do I look instead at our apple tree that has produced a bumper harvest?

Do I focus on the meadow where our lawn used to be?

Or do I focus on the bumper apple crop?

It's a choice we make every day. Do I focus on the nits, or that the Lord helped me spot them before we were all infested, and provided a husband who can dispose of them? Do I focus on the infection and the inconvenience, or the antibiotics, the much needed blood test and the new medication? Do I focus on the broken trust and the fall-out we're still wading through, or the intervention before it became too bad and God's abiding peace that He is with us, He has great plans for us and I know peace in the storm?

I am learning that if I want to know God's presence in my life more and more, then it has to be the apple every time. It works. And today I am so very grateful that although I cannot be everywhere, looking after everyone and everything, He is, and I can trust Him to keep doing it very well. Thank you Lord.

May you know His presence and His peace, and may we all start to focus a little more on the apples, instead of the long grass : ) God bless you!