Butterflies!

Well if you've read any of my earlier posts, you will know that I've been trying to make it to a butterfly house locally, but continuing ill health has been preventing me. I tried last week with my family, but the night before had one of the worst night's of my life and wasn't able. So we planned to try again on Monday.

The night before I must confess to being a little anxious. After telling the children and organising a dog sitter, and after having already cancelled once, I felt more than a little pressure to 'perform' and be well enough to go. But I realised it was out of my hands. I did all I could do to ensure a good night's sleep and feeling well, but in the end all I could do was hold my hands up and say, 'God, this is out of my hands. Over to you.'

And praise God I slept reasonably well. Phew!

We had a really enjoyable day. I managed to travel well in the car on the way there (travelling often makes me feel unwell and exacerbates symptoms), which helped. Once there we had a quick picnic lunch in the car, during which symptoms returned quite badly and I had to mentally fight it off. Later on in the afternoon I had another episode of feeling dreadfully unwell and had to breathe through it again and pray. In addition my youngest, who is hardly ever ill, developed a temperature and felt poorly. Once again I just had to hand it all over to God. I have realised I can do things to help myself, but this illness is not something I can fix. Thankfully once again he stepped in and the symptoms abated sufficiently for me to really enjoy the rest of the day, although by now quite tired. My youngest also quickly improved after a dose of paracetamol.

But it was a long held goal that I had finally reached; it was a milestone. So many goals, hopes and dreams seem to have been swallowed up in ill health and recovery from abuse. So much seems to have been stolen from me and my family as a result. It feels at times that the devil has come right in and stomped all over my life, in an effort to eradicate me and I lie amongst the rubble. But praise God, I have hope.

Recently God gave me this scripture as His promise to me, His banner over me:
'Instead of your [former] shame you shall have a twofold recompense; instead of dishonour and reproach [your people] shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double [what they had forfeited]; everlasting joy shall be theirs ... All who see them [in their prosperity] will recognise and acknowledge that they are the people whom the Lord has blessed.' Isaiah 61: 7, 9 (b) The Amplified Bible

I managed to take some pictures in the butterfly house:

The picture of the blue butterfly is blurred, I know, but it would not sit still and be photographed, so I had to put my camera on sports mode and try to follow it around as it flew! It is a Blue Morpho butterfly.

This one is particularly significant for me, as for my 40th birthday, after years of deliberation and prayer, I decided to get a tattoo. Now please don't think I necessarily think tattoos are a great idea, but for me I wanted something actually on me, something that could not be removed, that showed I belonged to God and told my story. Who knows, one day when I pass away, it may even speak to the funeral director of God's love.

I got the tattoo (from a highly recommended tattooist!) whilst still feeling dreadfully unwell, as a sign of hope of a better future and God's promises being revealed in my life. It is of a Blue Morpho butterfly and a Bible verse. Blue often represents heaven, and the butterfly signifies the changes He's making in me, from ugly caterpillar, to a beautiful butterfly who can fly free. The scripture is Psalm 118: 5 :

'In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and He answered by setting me free.'

May it be true for us all. And may many more of our hopes, goals and dreams be answered and attained as we press on with Him.

Title Deeds

Yesterday I had the dubious pleasure of cancelling yet another looked forward to social event/ trip out due to ill health. It doesn't get any easier to do and each time is a bit hope crushing, sad and disappointing.

I had always been a bit 'sickly', so decided to really press in for good health. As well as taking care of myself, I went to a great prayer night and got prayer with Randy Clark (yes, that Randy Clark). I woke the next day to a growl in my bedroom. I should've known then it was going to be an interesting journey.

I've been unwell since then with an illness which started acutely and has become chronic. Although I can see a steady uphill trend towards full health and have had several leaps forward as God has dealt with issues, it still seems to rule my life at times. After this long it does get me down from time to time and I really have to work on 'encouraging myself in the Lord', as it says David did in the Bible. On top of that I'd also had some sort of virus and other health issues grumbling away over the past couple of weeks. But I'd been waiting to go to see a butterfly house (an indoor place you can see butterflies) for years, so in faith we'd booked to go yesterday.

Tuesday night I was determined to get a good night's sleep so that I felt well enough to enjoy the day trip, so didn't even read before lights out and went to bed at a reasonable time. I lay in bed waiting for sleep to arrive. It didn't. So I prayed and praised and soaked in God's presence.

It was during this time that God gave me a really clear vision. I was in a courtroom, in a legal row with my opponent the devil, over some land. He claimed the land was his; he was dwelling on the land as we spoke and had been for some time. It looked like all was lost. Then I realised, that in my inside jacket pocket I had the Title Deeds to the land. It proved my ownership and legal right to it and showed him for the squatter that he was. I knew the judge would rule in my favour and it was only a matter of time.

God showed me that all the issues I face, whether small or large, whether long term ill health, massive debts or fixing a mower, God has given me the Title Deeds to His provision, His help, His rescue, His favour and complete deliverance - to effectively getting the land back - through His Word and through the gift of faith (see Hebrews 11: 1 in The Amplified Bible). As in legal battles, some are dealt with swiftly, some drag on for years, some are resolved with amazing 'suddenlies', some have to be enforced and enforced and enforced. But, through Jesus I have the Title Deeds and will know freedom in every area. I just have to trust God, stand on His Word and wait.

It was an amazing picture and I'm very grateful. But it didn't help me sleep. God promises sleep to those He loves (Psalm 127: 2), but I didn't get it that night. I've had rare times that I've chosen to stay up all night and nights that I've struggled to get off, but never a night that I didn't sleep at all. I kept a good attitude, I prayed, I stayed still. But at 6:15 a.m., aware our day out wasn't going to happen as I felt too rough, I got up.

I'm not perfect. I managed a couple of hours sleep during the morning after a bit of a rant in prayer and some tears. We managed to take the younger two of our children out in the afternoon to a park that they enjoyed. And I got a reasonable night of sleep last night (after a good hour or two of just laying there), despite feeling a little afraid that I wouldn't. And we're going to try our planned day out to see the butterflies again on Monday (I will report back as to whether we made it or not!).

I am now acutely aware that when you press in for the land given to you, the devil fights back and doesn't always play fair, and it often takes time to see your prayers answered. However I hope that in the days and years ahead it will be the vision of having the Title Deeds, not one of the most difficult and miserable nights of my life and another cancelled trip and the disappointment, that I'll remember.

May God bless you and grant you success as you press in with your Title Deeds, and patience as you wait to see His blessings in your life : )

The Background Pic

Now that I've managed to update my blog a little (I'm still learning!) and make it look a little more as I hoped, I thought I'd show the background picture properly. It was taken out the back of my house at sunrise one morning. I thought it was pretty stunning. Hope you enjoy! : )

Welcome!

Well, here it is, my blog started at last! At the moment it doesn't look at all how I want it to, but as a blog novice I'm on a steep learning curve here, so bear with me.

I have felt for a while now that I should be blogging. I have so much going on in my life and I know that I am not alone in the problems and difficulties I face, that I felt assured blogging about my situations could help others and perhaps give me some perspective at the same time.

I was unsure about whether to give up my real identity, but being a Christian (hence the blog title) I prayed about it and felt it would be better to remain anonmyous. It means I can talk about my situations with perhaps greater openness than I could if I were identified, but it also provides anonymity to those who are mentioned in the blog. I should add that I'm aware there is a blog out there called The Anonymous Christian, that hasn't posted for a while. It's not me! But I only saw the other blog after I'd created this one, so apologies for using the same title.

I've no doubt that more personal information will emerge through the blog as time goes on, but I can start by telling you that I am married, a parent of 4 kids (2 boys and 2 girls ageing 7 to 14) and a dog (plus a lot of goldfish in the garden pond). We run our own business, started last year. I've been a Christian for as long as I can recall, but am still learning every day. And I face a lot of issues about which I shall probably post. They range from minor issues like wanting to get a lawnmower fixed on its warranty instead of having to pay (it is under warranty and should be repaired as such, but they're being a bit funny), to dealing with large debts and healing from abuse (sorry a bit serious for first post : ) ).

I do believe God wants us all healed completely and free from all that would seek to bind us, but I'm not quite walking in freedom I believe is mine, in many areas. I hope that you'll join me on what I feel will be an adventure. And for any that have ever sat and wondered at a glorious sunset or sunrise, I do believe that given a chance, He is a God who loves an opportunity to show off. And besides, I have, despite all the rubbish I've know in my life, have a deep under-pinning belief that He loves us. After all, he sent Jesus, didn't he? Enough said.

I'd love to hear from you out there in cyber-world, looking for answers or searching for hope. Feel free to drop me a line : )