Captain Phillips

This weekend I watched the film Captain Phillips, starring Tom Hanks. I wasn't sure what to expect, knowing just a little about it, but as well as thoroughly enjoying it (it was so tense I may have even lost weight watching it!), God spoke to me profoundly through the movie.

The film is about the Captain of a cargo ship, sailing from Oman to Kenya, via the Somali Basin in the Indian Ocean. Part way through the trip the boat is attacked and boarded by Somali pirates.

Now if you intend to watch the movie don't read on, as there will be plot spoilers!

The pirates try to board once, and fail, before coming back and trying again. They were able to board because of a weak spot in the ship's defences. They rob money from the safe and then, through a series of events, take the Captain hostage on the cargo ship's lifeboat and try to escape to the Somali mainland, with the intention of raising a large ransom.

The Captain, who is now in a small boat with four angry pirates, is obviously frightened. Knowing it's a real event makes you wonder how he coped. But then he hears a comforting sound - the cargo ship's horn! His friends have called for help and are sticking with him until that help arrives.

A day or so afterwards, a large bright light is shone onto the lifeboat. The Captain wonders what on earth is happening, and as he steals a glimpse to the world outside he sees that an American navy warship has arrived! Obviously another level of comfort ensues, but the Navy still need to somehow deal with the pirates and get him off the lifeboat alive.

Negotiations start, and it isn't too long before another warship and an aircraft carrier arrive. On top of that 50 - 80 Navy seals are dropped from planes overhead to help secure the Captain's release.

It results in the lifeboat being towed behind one of the warships whilst the pirates believe negotiations are going on with their village elders to pay for the Captain's release. The lifeboat bounces around in the ship's wake, and at a couple of points the Captain even tries to escape, causing him even more problems. But the action culminates when the Seal team lines up the pirates in their sights and shoot. The remaining pirate who had been taken aboard the warship for 'negotiations' is tried and imprisoned in America for piracy.

With the pirates dealt with the Captain is taken aboard the warship, to the infirmary to be checked out and patched up. There they take care of him, before he returns home safely to his family in America.

For me, I simply was enjoying the movie. But at the end, after such a tense time (because I did not know the outcome, having not heard it in the news), when he was taken to the infirmary - shocked, traumatised, injured, bleeding - and the medical officer showed him such kindness, I started to cry. The officer kept reassuring him, "It's OK, you're safe now. It's all going to be alright. You're in a safe place now. Your family knows you're safe. You can relax now. Don't worry, it is all OK." I realised, deep down in my spirit, which was being moved greatly, that it's that reassurance that we all need to hear - that I need to hear. I want to relax. I want everything to be OK.

My spirit cried out to be in that place of safety, on the warship, in the infirmary, being given the comfort and reassurance of safety and recovery, because victory had been achieved. Having the knowledge that I was free, that my enemies and problem situations had been dealt with.

The whole story resonates so deeply with the Christian experience. Just like Captain Phillips, God so often gives us orders, or makes requests of us, that take us into dangerous waters and into the enemy's sights. There we are, just minding our own business, getting on with whatever God has told us to do, when suddenly attack comes. It could be a health issue, or a financial one; we could have a sudden issue with a relative, friend, acquaintance or colleague, or some other unexpected accident, mishap or breakage occurs.

As in the film when so many difficult circumstances have occurred in my life and I have been taken hostage in dreadful circumstances, I have known the comfort of having a container ship of friends nearby. We have had prayer and emotional support and encouragement, and acts of kindness in abundance. God has loved us through His people.

But I realise now, that in our particular situation, people cannot put our problems right, they cannot see off the attack of the enemy. For me, I feel as though I am still being held hostage in that small, uncomfortable, stinking life boat. The leader, for me represented by the trauma of child-hood abuse and neglect, has been taken away (although not 100% dealt with yet). But I am still being held hostage by health issues, by crippling debt, by family problems and a lack of movement into the specific promises of God to me. And these pirates continue to use fear and intimidation to control me.

It is hard, but in my spirit, I do my best to still be standing up on the inside. To trust the presence of my God and His warring angels (the Naval warships, their crew and the specialist groups of Navy seals), and to believe for a full and final rescue from these forces of evil (to be free circumstantially, as well as in the Spirit).

Sure there have been times, as in the film, that I have tried to rescue myself and only caused more problems or made the situation worse. But I feel, in my heart and my spirit, God reassuring me to just hold on - rescue is coming. And I will get to the place where I am in the infirmary, safe in His arms, resting secure in the knowledge that the enemy is dead and I am saved. I will get to the place, where for a while at least, I can relax.

Perhaps, as in the movie, my freedom will come suddenly. Certainly there are many 'suddenlies' in the Bible. Perhaps freedom from the huge issues that threaten me will be a gradual thing. But I can honestly say, that although things seem very grim at times, even though my health is still a major issue, and money is a constant source of concern, family issues still rage on and the promises seem far off, I just know, that I know, that I know, that God is on the attack and victory is near. That's not to say I don't have moments of doubt and weeping wobblies, but when I am quiet in my spirit, that reassurance that I so desperately need, is there. After each bout of 'wobbliness', if I listen, encouragement always comes.

I am still boggled after watching the movie that America was willing to send so very many people and resources to save just one man. But really, we shouldn't wonder at that. Because are we not made in God's image, and did He not send the most precious and wonderful thing He had - His Son, to save even just one of us? Didn't Father send Jesus for you? For me? And because of Christ's sacrifice assuring us of victory if only we hang on and keep faith, should we really boggle at the fact that God would send armies of His angels, and indeed come Himself, to rescue us (even if we did help get ourselves into the problems in the first place)?

We may question 'why?', when we are walking in obedience, that such bad things should happen to us. We may question where was God's protection? But I feel so very reassured, in faith, even though my circumstances remain and continue to intimidate me, that I do not need to question if victory is coming. I may be in a lifeboat surrounded by pirates, but I am tethered to the mother ship, and freedom is close at hand.

For all those who like me continue to suffer poor circumstances, I pray that you would be encouraged to know that just as Captain Phillips was indeed saved despite overwhelming odds to the contrary, so we shall be saved too. After all, Jesus is the good shepherd who leaves the ninety-nine safe sheep to find the missing one (Matthew 18: 12 - 14). For those 'missing' ones, for those held captive, I pray that God Himself would comfort you wherever you are right now, whilst you endure until your release.

Be blessed : )

Where have I been?

I can hardly believe that it has been over a month since my last post; where has the time gone?

As mentioned in my last entry, straight after posting it my older brother and his son arrived from Australia. It was with much trepidation on all our parts as my brother and his wife have been incredibly challenging in the past, causing great upset and trauma to us and the extended family. He also has a vastly different lifestyle with no TV, no technology and a very strict diet. And for me personally, there were issues there because of some dreadful things that he was the root of, in the past.

However I am pleased to report it was, overall, it was a very successful visit. He was able to reconnect with my younger brother and his wife; that was a real rift that seems to have been smoothed over somewhat. And I can honestly say that with my brother in front of me I was able to look at him and forgive, and let the past go.

The visit, though, did highlight issues with my Mum. Her mobility is really suffering at the moment and she has had huge moments of forgetfulness, so often and so bad that I am starting to question whether it is the start of dementia. She forgot she had offered to provide a picnic, and an evening meal whilst the visit occurred, so it went from us being catered for, for a change, to me suddenly having to produce a picnic and evening meals for 13 people, several times. This meant extra shopping trips and extra cooking going on, around already long days, days out in the sun, clearing up after having everyone round and so on.

I think I had perhaps been a bit foolish about what I was capable of, but as I said some things like the catering were sprung on me, so as we cannot afford to eat out I had no choice but to provide meals. However, after my week off looking after my son after his operation, I'd gone straight back into working, continuing to look after him, long days and evenings spent with my brother and mega catering. Then I went straight back into work again, before my brother was back after touring England, and it was back into a long, hot day out and more food.

I hadn't felt right before going back to work. I had endeavoured to rely on God, and spoke out the scriptures such as 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me'. But I feel I overdid it.

I can say that with some assurance as my brother's last day here, a migraine started. I was prayed for about them some years ago as I used to get awful, crippling ones, but hadn't had any bad ones in several years, just the niggling ones that can go on for a week or more. I guess more like cluster migraines/ headaches as they would stop and start. This one however, only began like that.

I wasn't able to take my normal medication at the start of it, as we were on a trip out to the New Forest, and to take it properly I need to sit down and rest for a bit. I managed it throughout the day with pain relief, and it niggled, but was manageable; it only limited me a little. Then it was home briefly before out to my younger brother's for tea. I took the migraine medication, but again couldn't really sit with it, I had to go out.

The meds didn't shift it, so after struggling through the meal and our last goodbyes, I was eager to get home. I tried another migraine tablet, but it was too late and I think I exacerbated it. Because then the pain really kicked in.

It was like being beaten around the head with a steel bar and wanting to be sick, whilst being tormented and the room spinning, all at once. I ended up on morphine and an anti-emetic (anti-nausea) drug. I couldn't move for about 5 hours, or speak, I just sat on the sofa, in the dark, hugging a bucket. Eventually I crawled up to bed with my eyes shut, and had a really fitful night, still hugging the bucket.

The migraine still niggles even now, 2 1/2 weeks on, with pain, dizziness and nausea. After three days of not being able to move the Dr came out to see me, to prescribe large doses of anti-inflammatories to get on top of the throbbing and the pain, and to check it wasn't anything more sinister. After 5 days I was able to get out of my pyjamas into real clothes, for part of the day. And after about a week I was able to start showering regularly again. But the worst thing is how it has all made me feel.

After believing you have been healed of something, for it to come back in such a sudden, life-stopping way is very emotionally hard. But it wasn't just the pain, or the sickness, it was the fear and torment that came with it. There was definitely a spiritual element to it, and it took me right back to those first, awful days of being unwell 3 years ago. I have had to fight really, really hard to not be afraid, because in that pain and sickness, I couldn't feel my God, but I could feel the presence of evil.

Looking back I think it is hardly surprising that I became so unwell. I went straight from the trauma of my husband being ill and nearly dying, to my son being deathly ill, to a stressful visit from a difficult relative, to stresses and major concerns about my Mum, to being out in the heat for long days (which has never agreed with me since getting sun-stroke as a child), back to my brother, and all the while working really long hours. My body simply went 'caput!'. But I do question, did the fall need to be so hard and so deeply frightening? Do I still need to be suffering? And my husband, who is still having muscular problems, does he still need to be suffering? How, Lord, how, do we slow life down and yet still make ends meet and keep customers happy? Surely there has to be a better way?

The problems all really started as soon as I stepped out to train for preaching, so I am certain there is a great element of spiritual attack involved. I also managed miraculously well in body and mind whilst my husband and son were ill, so perhaps the devil needed to attack me more personally to have a greater effect. And to be honest, to have kept going before, during and since the migraine (as I returned to work this week, working long days in 30 degrees heat and humidity - very difficult for a shade lover such as myself - and there's been something on every evening this week) is miraculous. And the problems have only served to drive me back to God, to ask honest questions and to wait on Him for the answers; to deepen our existing connection, so that when troubling times come again in the future (as they surely will) I will have something deeper and stronger to rely on.

My husband and I have been trying to consistently sit in prayer, with the scriptures, or in quiet as often as possible, with the sole purpose of hearing from Him. We need His heavenly perspective on all these issues and concerns that have happened. We need fresh manna, fresh vision, fresh anointing, for I recognise the enemy's attacks have wearied us some. And slowly He seems to be reaching us, to be whispering.

But that is the reason for my absence: overseas visitors, a busy end of term, and challenging health. As we continue to reach out to Him and seek His comfort and His presence, I will continue to share. I am sure although worn and weary, He will restore and repair, and things will indeed turn around in every way.

Thank you for continuing to read and being patient for the post - the next one will be much quicker! I pray that you and yours will know His presence and, as always, be blessed : )