A Perfect Heart

As you may know from previous posts, my husband and I are in debt. The debt is now managed and being paid off little by little, but it does mean we have to live under a microscope, with a huge amount of accountability, and we are likely (naturally speaking) to be paying the debt off for another 20 years or so.

Now the Lord is very good. He has saved our house from forced sale. He provides all our needs. He has even given some very encouraging prophetic words and signs directly to us and through other people (one of whom didn't even know us or our situation). So I am confident it will be paid off and put right.

However it does make life difficult in many ways. For example we need a van for our business, and we could really do with new cars, as well as the many things that need doing around the house, but we are able to save relatively little each month (some months nothing) and we cannot get credit. There are also so many things I would love to do with my children, and places I'd love to take them, but I cannot. Sometimes even basic things are a push. Generally I have been watching time and lost opportunities slip away, and feeling more and more helpless.

On top of this I have felt very responsible for the debt. I made a lot of bad choices and should have sought help a lot earlier and avoided a lot of the pain. But I simply did not know. I have been mad at myself, for a long while. I do try to walk in constant forgiveness to all, including myself, but I have not always achieved this, especially where I am concerned. I have essentially been walking under a cloud of guilt.

Anyway, I was reading 'Turning Hopeless Situations Around' by Kenneth Hagin. He started talking about Hezekiah, over whom a death sentence was spoken in Isaiah 38. Understandably Hezekiah was rather upset about this (wouldn't we all be?!), and he prayed to God. One of the things he said was 'I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart' (Is 38: 3).

After Hezekiah's prayer, God changed his mind and added further years to his life.

The author was pondering Hezekiah's prayer and statement that he'd had a perfect heart, and was thinking over some of his own past mistakes, and the Lord spoke to him:

'The Lord said to me, "I wasn't looking at you on the outside. You're looking at where you missed it purely from the physical, human, natural standpoint. But I was looking at your heart all the time. Your spirit is your heart. I saw the intent of your heart. Even though you had done wrong and had missed it, I wrote down 'This man's heart if perfect towards me'." '

Oh how the Lord spoke to my heart through that! I know, with very clear memories, how I prayed and fasted and prayed some more, for guidance and help over our finances. Much of the mistakes were made out of naivety and ignorance of God's word and will, and lack of maturity. But I know my heart intention was always in the end to do God's will and follow His plan. As far as I can be sure, I believe my heart was perfect, even if my actions were not.

Was I perfect all the time? No! My soul was in a much worse state back then. But that's why we have grace. And I truly believe God looks at the overall picture; He knows I just want to please Him. And in those few sentences in that book, I felt a weight drop off.

I still need to practise walking in forgiveness towards myself, and others. But even in that, God knows my heart (if not my ways) is perfect towards Him.

I hope and pray God will release others as He has released me from unnecessary, burdening guilt. And I know in His timing and His ways our needs and more besides will be met, with an abundance, and we will know freedom from the bondage of debt. May you know that freedom too.

Be blessed : )