These past weeks have been very challenging. Life has been very full, very busy and sometimes tiring, something which I find very challenging in itself. Many days have literally been running from one thing to the next, unable to settle and focus on anything properly, which I find hard. BUT I am very grateful to be able to do those things now. Not so long ago I couldn't have attempted even half of what I am able to do now. And I am grateful for God's strength that enables me.
But life hasn't been challenging just because of the busyness, but because of the issues we have faced. We are in the process of having to make lots of decisions and find ways to deal with certain challenges we are facing. Issues that are important and affect ours and the children's future, issues that we need to make decisions about now.
On the one hand all these decisions are very difficult. I feel very small and inadequate. I am concerned about not making the right choices. I feel rather swamped.
On the other hand, I need to remind myself that I have a big God. He will give me wisdom for these decisions if only I will ask (James 1: 5). If I make a wrong choice by accident He will help us and make a way through because He loves us and is our heavenly Dad. And I am very conscious that many of these decisions that we face, we are only facing them because we live in the more affluent West. If we lived in a poorer country elsewhere, we possibly wouldn't be faced with choices, but rather forced into one thing or another. So in many ways, although stressful at times, decisions and choices, overall, are a privilege.
But apart from the decision making, I think one of the things I find the hardest is the money stuff. Many years ago we knew lack, and lacked wisdom. We put things on the credit card rather than address the lack, because my husband had been offered a promotion with much more money, so we thought we would be able to pay back what we had borrowed. But the promotion kept getting put off, then overtime and the opportunities to earn more stopped completely, and instead of income increasing, it decreased to the point that we could not live off of it, even without trying to service the debt. So we incurred more debt, and it grew and grew as interest got added on and we could only manage the minimum payments.
All this time we were crying out to God, but we couldn't hear clearly, we were too embarrassed and ashamed to ask for help, and we were hoping for a miracle. But we didn't get one. Instead it came to a head when we could no longer meet the minimum payments every month. We had no choice but to seek help, or sell our home. So we went to a free help organisation in the UK, the debt management specialist 'just happened' to be in (praise God), and we were able over a few weeks to set up a payment plan to start paying off what we owed, whilst leaving us with enough to live off.
That was a four years ago. We are still paying things off, but at the rate we can afford to pay things off at the moment it will take a few decades. I joke not. And in the meantime our cars age and cost more and more to keep going and we don't have enough left over to save for new ones, the children grow older and I find myself increasingly unable to take them to new places and have new experiences, and I find myself struggling to forgive myself for getting in the mess in the first place, because the debt is constantly there as a reminder.
Last night an issue to do with money came up, and again I found myself struggling not to be cross at myself. I think I must've been tired, because instead of getting frustrated or angry, I was upset and cried a little.
But this is where hope comes in. At times like this we have a choice. We can choose to believe the impossible, embarrassing, difficult circumstances, and all the rubbish and lies that the devil spouts at us constantly, or we can believe God's word, the Bible and the promises in it. That we are forgiven, that God loves us and makes a way where there is no way, that He will lift us out of the difficult circumstances and lead us to a broader place, a place of freedom.
Just recently we had something small happen, but through which I believe God was encouraging us. For Christmas we were given some amaryllis bulbs. Both flowered beautifully, but one in particular flowered, then seemed to die back, then suddenly started growing again. At one point it had leaves, buds, flowers and fruit on it, all at the same time:
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| You can't see the leaves as they were shorter, but trust me they're there! |
I hear you pondering why this might be significant, but there is an occasion in the Bible where this very thing happened to a dead stick, Aaron's staff, because God moved over it and put His life in the stick, to demonstrate something (see Numbers 17).
To have leaves, buds, flowers and fruit on something at the same time is unusual, especially when that very thing had appeared dead. It speaks of fruitfulness - miraculous fruitfulness. It speaks of nourishment, because the stick in Numbers 17 actually produced almonds, edible and a source of nutrients. It speaks of beauty, because God turned a dead thing into something beautiful (the blossoms). And it shows that when God is in authority over a situation, there is life (because Aaron's rod was demonstrating God's authority and His ability to bring forth life).
It also serves as a great reminder that Jesus came to bring life and fruit from a dead thing (us, who were spiritually dead and cut off from God before we accept Jesus' sacrifice in our place on the cross).
So how do I allow God to be in authority in these situations and in my life? I trust Him and I trust and believe His words and promises in the Bible (whilst rejecting the devil's lies and rubbish). And I hold onto hope. Hope in Him and hope for salvation in these 'dead' and seemingly hopeless areas.
My prayer is that "the God of hope will fill us with all joy and peace as we trust in Him, so that we may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" (Romans 15: 13, paraphrased) and the Bible promises us in return that hope will not and does not disappoint us (Romans 5: 5), instead it appoints us to promises fulfilled and new beginnings - to life where there once was death.
And in our prayers may we remember the ongoing difficult situation in the Ukraine and the Crimea, which seems poised on the brink of war, and for all those affected by the ongoing tragedy and heartbreak of missing Malaysian airlines flight.
As always, be blessed : )
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