Promises, Not Explanations!

As with the British weather, this week has been a week of highs and lows.

The week started well. I had felt a great deal of energy and been able to accomplish much. With my overall health being so vastly improved I had been able to say that I was doing more than I was able to accomplish before I was unwell, and was doing all I hoped to do in terms of work, children and life. It was only regularly doing the morning school run that seemed to elude me.

So, as this last fact upset my youngest son from time to time (he is on the Autism/ Aspergers spectrum and therefore very sensitive and liable to upset sometimes) I decided to push myself further than usual and do the morning school run too this week. Us (myself and my husband) and our two youngest children had been working on projects about the rainforest and the school was having a display on first thing in the morning, so it was a good excuse to push myself to go.

However I'd had a very busy week, I'd been working hard at home, I'd been dog walking, I'd had school meetings, I was tired and I was due my period (which often makes me quite unwell - hormonal issues), so it may not have been the best of times to decide to push myself forward. But I did it, I got up, I looked round the displays and the children were really pleased (as was I). I even had a very productive day and then hosted a prayer meeting that evening and did some serious praying for friends.

I was very happy with what had been achieved, but the tiredness grew. Then the hormonal issues kicked in, but I still had things to do so I gently pushed myself a little further and went out to the shops Thursday. By Thursday evening I was sat rather comatose on the sofa. Friday I felt very flu-like, everything hurt, I had terrible stomach pains and was quite unwell. And it continues now, Sunday afternoon (although improving: 2 days ago I could not have sat here typing). I have done very little of use to man or beast since Thursday evening.

I don't know what the problem has been, whether over-tiredness and old illness problems resurfacing as I have overdone it, hormonal issues, low Vitamin D or a virus, or perhaps even something else. But the important thing I have noticed is that my mental attitude is so vastly different. In spite of being quite unwell (and yes, in typical fashion possibly a bit grumpy about it) I have felt peaceful. I have realised it is not a lasting situation and I have been able to trust God.

That does not mean that I have understanding of why I have been so unwell or that I am in any way accepting of the situation - not at all. But I can hand in to God, know that His Word promises full health and trust Him to bring that about. As I read/ heard somewhere this week, something of Joyce Meyer's I think, I am learning to: Live by God's Promises, Not His Explanations.

This week may have had some downs in terms of health and feeling grottier than I have in quite a while, but there have also been some great highs:

- The ill health helped me to see how much my mental attitude has improved, and if you are strong mentally you can get so much further no matter what the situation.

- The dreadful pattern of storm after storm that the UK has been experiencing was down to the position of the jet stream right over the UK, not where it is supposed to sit at all. Since understanding that I have been praying for it to move to where it should be and praise God the last dreadful storm we had Friday-Saturday appears to be the last in a long line and according to the weather experts things look set to improve (just as well, everything that wasn't strapped down Friday night was flying about the garden, breaking).

- Another health issue, which I shall explain more fully in a while, is showing great signs of progress after prayer and God's guidance. A real answer to prayer and blessing

- After prayer, because money and health pressures, as well as other ongoing issues, do persist, I felt God speak to me and encourage me. I felt Him say that all I've experienced is to prepare me for what is ahead - the wonderful future He has in store for me - that I might be able to withstand opposition and pressures and trust Him. It encourages me no end, that His word is true, that indeed all things do work together for my good, because I love Him (Romans 8: 28) and that whatever the devil throws at me meant for my harm will be turned into something that benefits me and brings me and others great good (Genesis 50: 20).

And after getting to such a good point overall in my health, I do feel God encouraging me to move on with Him. To get the things out of my life that perhaps prevent me growing in Him and moving forward: Because we have these promises, dear friends, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that can defile our body or spirit. And let us work toward complete holiness because we fear God. (2 Corinthians 7: 1). That's not fear, as in being afraid of God - it means a holy reverance. And that is not to suggest I can make myself holy or cleanse myself in any way through self effort, no. It is simply to say that as one of God's children it is perhaps time for me to take on a little more responsibility, because I love Him.

One example is eating less refined sugar and fat. I am blessed with a great metabolism, but since having four children and getting older I have gradually put on more and more weight. The biggest problem is rewarding myself with food after a busy day, when I sit down for a little while before bed. I just love to fill myself with crisps, sweets and chocolate of an evening, because I feel I deserve it. And that's not a great place to be. I have felt the Holy Spirit nudging me for ages about eating less sugar and how that would help with weight loss, hormonal issues and the sugar cravings I get, but so far whenever I've tried I've quickly given up. But now I feel God saying that of course He will still support my health and body, but I need to step up and do my part. So for myself, and for Him, I am going to try to cut down.

A little treat for the evening ...

There are also other ways He is challenging me, some of which are quite difficult, but more of that another time.

So there's been ups and downs. There's been grotty health again. And there are not insignificant challenges. But am I beat? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. (Romans 8: 37).

May you have a blessed week and know that if we stick it out, overwhelming victory is ours in the end : )

What A Glamorous Life!

Ah, it's Saturday evening. After a very busy week, a very late night dealing with teenage drama, and a busy day doing chores, I am supposed to be sitting down with my husband, relaxing in front of a movie. But no, I am waiting for my husband to come back from the late night pharmacy, with medication for us all to take.

Apparently after a year or more of suffering, one of my daughters announced earlier that she saw 'white wiggly things' when she went to the toilet. Yep, you've guessed it, she has somehow contracted pin worms. She had been losing weight, so I guess this may explain why. When my husband's home we all have the joy of taking the medication 'just in case'. Honestly, I do feel for her, these things are easily contracted, but suffering for so long 'hoping it would go away', without telling anyone, is incredible! And I am pretty easily grossed out, so trust me, my stomach is churning right now at the thought of it! (But please note - after head lice, and now worms - we are not a gross family - it's honestly just normal stuff that kids pick up : ) ).

It has been a challenging, busy and productive week. My health continues to be consistently much better since only working from home, which is wonderful. However the finances still challenge us. On Wednesday my husband came home from work after just 2 hours with a suspected flat tyre, and then missed the rest of the day working trying to sort the problem out. It turns out after hitting a submerged pothole (a large hole in the road) a few weeks ago) his wheel was bent out of shape, causing the tyre to eventually deflate. But between that, a broken lawnmower and the weather this week (very wet, very stormy) many working hours have been lost, which means less money.

Many, many hours and phone calls were then spent by us both sourcing a new wheel (price brand new £200, we managed to find a decent used one for £70 plus £16 postage). We await it's arrival on Tuesday, we hope. I am praying it is as per the photo and not as scuffed and scratched as some of the many we have seen this last week. And of course, there goes another £86 we weren't expecting. BUT, I am so grateful to the Lord that He provided money just at the right time for us to be able to purchase it.

We also continue to chase customers for money. Many are awesome and pay immediately, some however require continual chasing, particularly our largest customer who currently owes us over £700, which if he doesn't pay this week we shan't be eating! Or be able to put necessary petrol in the cars! Praise God we can rely on Him, not on the customers!

This week, as well as dealing with wheels, paperwork, phone calls, friends in need and the usual round of cooking (I've had the energy and time to make many large meals so we now have many meals to hand in the freezer : ) ), cleaning and chasing children, I have been tackling our back-logged mountain of washing. So far over the past couple of weeks I have cleared approximately 10-14 loads of washing, 8 large baskets of ironing and put away a veritable mountain of clothes. This is what remains:

Not just one ...

... but THREE baskets of washing, and ..

Two large boxes of ironing.

On top of that little lot I will have to dry and iron/ sort the washing, there's another load wet in the machine just finished (I think that's the fourth lot today), and tomorrow I have to change and wash all five beds because of the 'worm' situation.

But do you know what, it may seem all rather tedious and boring, but after being so ill and then having no time at all for these things for about three years, I am actually really thrilled that I am able to do it! And by the end of next week, when hopefully it's all a lot clearer, I will have a huge sense of achievement, as the washing and ironing will be up to date for the first time in about seven years!!

And this isn't as un-spiritual as it sounds. I have really felt God saying to me not to worry that things generally seem a bit tedious and quiet, and dreams seem far off - this is a time when with Him we are putting into place the structures necessary for the future. And this is a time to get on top of necessary jobs so that there is no clutter as we move into what I believe will be a much busier future. So I am trying to enjoy this time, and not wish it away.

But ah, dirty car wheels, dirty washing and worms - my life is so incredibly glamorous! But I praise God that through all the drama (and with my teenager there was lots of it last night, until gone 1 a.m. - note to self read the book on raising Godly teenagers!), I have known peace and have not, for the most part, worried. I have someone who is far bigger than I to lean on.

Just taken the medication as my husband has just arrived home. Off to dry the washing and hopefully sit down with a cup of tea. Praying we all have a quiet and restful rest of day, and sparing many thoughts for the very many people in the west of England, either cut off by or submerged in floods - so many have lost everything. Praying God will meet them as they call out in their time of need.

Be blessed : )

Saved from the Pit (and Philip Seymour Hoffman)

I have experienced a very odd phenomenon this week whilst reading a book. It's a novel aimed at young adults about a difficult subject matter, and in the book the main character (a teenage girl) has a very difficult relationship with her parents. Because of something that happened beyond the character's control, her parents not only distrust her, but also show a sense of dislike towards her too, even though she is going through a ridiculously difficult time.

There I was, happily reading away, thinking how well written it was, when I suddenly felt tears welling up inside. I often read in bed, and my husband is pretty much always asleep when I read, so I was able to keep it to myself and have a silent blub.

The next night, as I read on and her situation with her parents grew worse, I started to cry again. And it happened again last night and this morning, as I read.

I have spent some time asking God what is going on.

I feel it's because I identify with the character. The girl is misunderstood and so very heartbreakingly alone. Her father wants nothing more than to distance himself from her and almost forget her very existence. Her mother cannot understand, wants to help but doesn't know how (and honestly doesn't try very hard - she has no empathy whatsoever) and also ends up alienating her. And the girl is left alone to deal with it all herself.

When I was hurt as a child, and then rebuffed by (I felt) both parents, it was like a huge, gaping, black chasm opened up in my soul. It was an almost endless pit of darkness. It was hurt and sadness and all that was bad. It was 'alone'.

Every now and again over the years the chasm would rear it's head, through depression, through illness, through various things. Slowly over the years God has healed the chasm and it has shrunk. Sometimes I don't even know that it's there at all.This week as I have read it's like an electrical circuit being completed and the story has connected me with what's left of the pit.

I am that girl.

As I have cried this week I have wept not just for what happened to me, but for the devastation it left. I cry for the years of loneliness. For the abandonment. For all of it. And as I have wept, I have without realising, been letting it go.

I can, of course, choose to hold onto the darkness. After all I have known it for so long that it is very familiar to me. But I feel that if I choose to do that, my arms will be full and I will never be able to hold what God has for me. Good things. Lightness and brightness. A future. And a hope. (See Jeremiah 29: 11).

What happened to me was wrong, how I was left was devastating. But I can finally see now that it was their problem, not mine. It was not my fault. I don't know why it happened (and maybe never will). But I do believe that not just good things, but great things will happen as a result (Romans 8: 28, Genesis 50: 20).

I am not daft, I recognise that there will be more healing ahead. I still get a bit angry about it at times and walking in forgiveness sometimes hits a bumpy bit. But I am not where I was. Not by a long shot. He has rescued me from the pit (Psalm 40: 2).

Now I can choose to let it go, or hold onto it. I can be a victim, or victorious. I can be pitiful or powerful, as God said to Joyce Meyer. I cannot be both.

Though it is hard, and an act of will, I choose the latter. I will not allow what the devil meant for my harm to torture me any more. It was not my fault. I am not responsible, but I am responsible for how I react and I choose to be healed and to move on. I am letting go. And hopefully I pray that I might be able to offer comfort to those who suffer in the way (2 Corinthians 1: 4).

I am also trusting God to come in and fill the gaps that the pain has left behind. And as He said to me once, I believe He is completely trustworthy.

Funny, and I thought I was just reading a novel. I guess God can find you anywhere (Psalm 139: 7).

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I would like to add as a post-script a note about Philip Seymour Hoffman. As an avid film watcher I have enjoyed his movies for years. He was a talented and gifted man. And I feel perhaps also another individual with a chasm in his life of his own.

Like so many celebrities before him, who seem to have it all, there is clearly still something missing. Something that they try to fill with drugs and alcohol and other, often harmful or lethal, addictions.

After so many great performance it is heartbreaking to think that he will probably be remembered for the way he died.

I truly believe, having known God at work in my own life, that the only solution to this blackness, these chasms, that so often present themselves in people's lives, is the saving work of Jesus and the love of God. They are the only things that can bring freedom and healing. His love is the antidote to our pain and the human condition. He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34: 18).

I pray for Mr Hoffman's family, dealing with the devastation and I pray for all those who have their own personal darkness, that God would bring them the love, comfort and light that they so desperately need.

In Him