The Path Ahead

Well, for some who read this it will already be 2014, so may I be amongst the first to wish you all a very Happy New Year! I pray for us all that it will be a great year. When praying about the year ahead I felt two things from the Lord:

First of all I felt Him give me three words: Prosperous (this is not just financially, but an abundance in every way), Productive and Healthy.

I also saw a picture (God sometimes gives pictures and visions to people as a way of speaking to them about various things) of abundant and lush, rolling green hills. In the foreground there was a veranda, like a patio at the back of a villa. It was beautiful and sunny, such a beautiful, lush light. And there was a huge honeycomb, dripping with rich, golden honey.

I have yet to receive the full revelation from God as to what this means, but honey is often spoken of in the Bible in a good way (see Proverbs 16:24, Proverbs 24:13, Psalm 19:10, Song of Solomon 4:11). The Promised Land, which God led His people to was spoken of as a land flowing in milk and honey (Exodus 33:3). Honey was a major part of John the Baptist's diet - he lived off honey and locusts (Mark 1:6). This is probably because honey is such a complete food, only really lacking in protein, which would have been provided by the locusts. Honeycomb was also given to Jesus when he asked for food from his disciples, after his resurrection (Luke 24:42).

So honey does really speak of God's Word, goodness, completeness, sustenance and abundance, amongst other things. I also have a friend to whom the Lord gave a picture of a beautiful golden honey-like substance, and God told her that it was His Kingdom - His blessings, help and essentially heaven, coming down onto earth to bless us. I therefore feel confident in taking the picture as a good sign, a sign of blessings to come.

Christmas has been good, and a lovely break from routine, but it has also brought great challenges. Many unexpected bills and other claims on resources came in just before or during the Christmas period. We have also had some work for our return to work in January cancelled. And I have several large bills awaiting payment as soon as we return to school and work next week. And well, our financial resources will be at zero after a food shop this weekend.

I have been a little saddened that I am not as far along as I would like in terms of my security being in God instead of in work and my bank balance. I do feel greatly encouraged that I am much, much improved, but the lack of work lined up and the lack of financial security has caused me to worry much more than I would like and am sure it has contributed to my feeling rather unwell. I have had a nasty virus which has rather dominated the last week and made me feel most flu-like, and I am now back on quite a lot of medication to function reasonably well. But I can look back to see how far I have come, and that God has always provided work and resource, most recently in the lead up to Christmas (most miraculously), and I do my best to walk forward looking to God and not to circumstance. And I pray that as always He will accept my meagre offering of trust and bless me with a flow of hope, faith and peace.

There have been other pressures too. Seeing my Mum is always a little challenging. As with my Dad, our relationship has never been very good and there is never an 'I love you' or voluntary hugs. I think because of a difficult upbringing she is emotionally very stilted and can be quite cold. This was accentuated when an issue came up a couple of years ago, and in delicately trying to sort things out she started ranting at me over anything I have ever done that has upset her. Despite great efforts and much prayer things never really were resolved. When I spend time with her now I find it hard not to drown in a mixture of regret of how things could be, loss, frustration and pity. I struggle to cling to hope. But at least we do see her.

Christmas also sadly highlights a far worse family situation with my husband's brother and sister-in-law. We have a very minor disagreement about 12 years ago, and despite our valiant efforts to make things right they took it upon themselves to list to us all the things they didn't like about us. We forgave and carried on loving them, and apart from a brief respite where things seemed to improve, they have become more and more vicious in their treatment of us.

We had felt things resolved at one point and had had some great conversations with them, but then when we bumped into them they spoke to my husband but ignored me and our children (their nieces and nephews). I would walk into a room to say hello and they would walk out. Last Christmas at my husband's mother's request my husband called his brother up to try and resolve things, and he was told that his brother and wife had decided they didn't like us, they hated that we were Christians, they didn't like our personalities or anything about us and ultimately wanted to spend no time with us and were not ever willing to be in the same room as us. I can honestly say that this is in spite of us continuing to love them and their children (the loss of my relationship with them was a heartbreaking wound that plagued me for years, and has only recently been made a bit better by God). To feel so strongly about someone that you cannot stand to be in the same room as them is akin to hatred. It takes some effort to feel so strongly.

Each Christmas there seems to be a hole in our lives as we do not get to see them or our niece and nephew whom we love very much, yet we hear of them from family members who do visit. And I have never had an opportunity to explain the situation to them, or even speak of what has gone on or defend myself. And it hurts.

It is a constant challenge for me, with both my Mum and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law to 'turn the other cheek' as the Bible urges and to 'love those that hate you'. Humanly I'd like to have it out with them all, because they are missing out on such blessings and joys, but I know it is no use. I believe that the difficulties lie in them all not forgiving things and being offended with us, and as a result the devil has been allowed to come in and wreak havoc. I find it hard to hold onto hope in these situations, I really do. But hope I must, or I run the risk of allowing the devil to come in and wreak havoc with me too. And in the meantime I thank God for what I do have. I may have lost a niece and nephew for example, but I do have the blessing of two sons and two daughters! And although having four children is hard work, I know such love and blessing in my life as a result of having them all.

So as you can see, Christmas has been a time of ups and downs. A time of concern, heartache and illness, but also a time of blessing and much needed rest. This is well illustrated by the result of a Christmas storm on our fence:

We lost seven panels in all - even this one is now fully down!

It will take a while to save to replace all the panels, as seven panels came down in all, and we already have so many demands on finance that we don't have yet. But like the fence we may be down at times, but praise Jesus we are not out! With God there is always hope!

A path in my garden illustrating the lack of time I've had to spend on my own garden!

As you can see my garden is sadly needed much attention. But I feel it illustrates our journey through life with God. Sometimes all goes well and life is peachy, and we feel close to Him. But even when the way ahead is full of weeds, and overgrown, or difficult to see and navigate - He is also there, if not closer than before. It is sometimes just that we are focusing on the path and not on Him.

I read recently in a Joyce Meyer book, that God said to her that He would not bless and grow her ministry all the time her focus and security was in how well it/ she was doing and not on God. God said to her something along the lines of 'Anything that you need besides Me is something the devil can use against you'. How profound! Perhaps that is the work God is doing in me - making sure my reliance and dependence is not in how much work is booked in or how much money is in the bank, but in Him so that the devil cannot use these things that God intends to bless me, against me.

I am so aware as we enter the New Year that I have so much to learn and so far to go. But I am aware now of how far I have come and that I am still standing, albeit with God's help! And I hold onto the picture of the dripping honeycomb and those words of hope: Prosperous, Productive and Healthy.

A blessing of love from the UK to you!

My clever daughter who clearly has more time on her hands/ more time to do her hands than I do, gave herself a very British makeover with Union Jack nails this Christmas. But sat here in my messy dining room in southern England, knowing that this blog with travel far further than I, know that I pray God's hope and blessing to all who come across this, now and into 2014. Life is difficult, but with God's help I know we will see all those difficulties smoothed out, in His timing.

God bless, and Happy New Year! : )

Merry Christmas!

Well the special day is finally here! And I can confirm it has been a great success! Hooray!

Christmases past have been an interesting bunch for me. I had never been very good with special occasions, be it birthdays, Christmas or other days, but I can only credit it to God that lately I have been able to enjoy 'special' days with as much joy and enthusiasm as everyone else. It was all associated with my childhood and history, but it would seem that the healing God has wrought within me has changed that for good. I had actually been anticipating today a great deal.

Yesterday evening things were looking slightly dodgier. In order to meet the financial demands of Christmas and some other large bills due just before, my husband and I have been working morning, noon and night. So we have both been really quite exhausted. Monday night we stayed up until 2 a.m. wrapping Christmas gifts (as we cannot do it with the children around), so we were even more tired. I had been fighting off a sore throat and flu like symptoms which were getting worse, and then my youngest son went down with a really nasty virus and just couldn't keep his temperature down.

Last night we were all due round to the in-laws for our usual Christmas Eve reading of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas', but sadly my son and I had to stay home as we both felt dreadful - temperatures, shivers and my son couldn't even keep medicine down. Then last night very pitifully he said 'Mummy, I am going to be ill for Christmas!' and started to cry : (

So I prayed. And once again, knowing I couldn't do anything about it, I did my best to trust.

Praise God, he slept well and has felt great all day! What a triumph! I actually slept appallingly, in part as the devil was trying to scare me with fears about money, as we are off work and not earning for two weeks, which is unheard of, and have bills to pay early in January. But I have felt quite well, been able to join in, and even walk the dog today! Both our recoveries could of course be excused as just 'one of those things', but I am convinced, due to our rapid improvements and incredible energy, that it must be God. His Christmas gift (amongst so many others) to us.

Speaking of which here is a beautiful Christmas gift I received from my lovely husband today:

My lovely poinsettia with Christmas candles : )

This Christmas we have been able to give the kids what they hoped for, and I was even able to purchase something for my husband that he has longed for, for a long time, that so far had eluded us. It was a complete surprise and I've been bursting about it for weeks, but have had to learn how to keep a straight face!

But it isn't about gifts. The gifts only mean so much because they are markers to me. Markers that perhaps some of the hardest years are over and that, I believe, the best years are ahead. And after having had so many times with nothing, and after running out of food and money right before Christmas just a few short years ago, we can truly see how far the Lord has brought us. It is the same with my health - the improvements are vast. It is the same with family relationships - we have had so much very major stresses over the years that we have not all got along quite so well and quite so readily as we do now. My marriage has not always been so stable and loving and appreciated - again largely because of external pressures. But this year I can truly appreciate it all. We are well (I have a ways to go, but am so very close now), we are together, we have plenty, we have been able to bless each other and others, and the Lord has stepped in and made us well just last night.

It's funny - Christmas is all about Jesus' birth - how God himself came to earth to rescue us from the penalty of the wrong things we've done and take the punishment on our behalf so we can enter into relationship with Him and be loved, be happy and be freed from all that would seek to bind us and damage us. But yet, He is the one who continues to give to us, rather than us give to Him.

This can be seen in the folk story attached to the humble poinsettia plant:

"The plant's association with Christmas began in 16th century Mexico, where legend tells of a girl who was too poor to provide a gift for the celebration of Jesus' birthday. The tale goes that the child was inspired by an angel to gather weeds from the roadside and place them in front of the church altar. Crimson "blossoms" sprouted from the weeds and became beautiful poinsettias." From Poinsettia on Wikipedia.

It is the same today. God still loves nothing more for us to come to Him as we are: humble, dirty, poor, ignorant, lost. He takes our weeds and He grows our lives into beautiful blossoms, for His glory. Why? because he is crazy in love with us, as hard as that is to believe. Why does the Almighty God love messed-up little beings like us? Because He is love, and He made us because He wanted to have friendship and relationship with us. Not to punish, or to judge, but to pick us up, clean us up, and if we let Him, to turn us into something beautiful.

God is sure doing it in my life. Yes, it does seem slower than I'd like at times, but He has a plan and perfect timing, and I am now convinced that my future is very bright.

This Christmas has truly been one to remember, for all the right reasons. I hope and pray yours is too.

Merry Christmas. May you believe His love for you this Christmas season.

MIA Part 2

Well, so much for trying to post twice a week! I can only apologise for my long absence and cite extenuating circumstances.

From memory last time I posted work was beginning to slacken off and I was mildly concerned, especially as we had stepped out in faith (basically we were worried, but prayed about it and felt God say it was OK) and agreed to allow our daughter go on the school skiing trip, and the large balance was due, just when I was trying to purchase Christmas presents. Either the ski balance or Christmas would be a major ask, but to have both due at the same time, and then for work to run out, well, it was a test of my trust in God.

I did have some wobbles, I must be honest. Money was tight, and  we also had our eldest's birthday looming which meant both a party and present on top of a seemingly impossible draw on our funds. Then my husband broke a tooth, requiring rather a lot of money to repair, then I needed an expensive trip to the dentist. And did I mention one of car's broke down and I also had quite a run of bad health?

One day I felt so stressed that I'm afraid I lost my temper with someone. It was returning home from a school pick up and the woman in front of me started driving insanely, then stopped her car and got out and started verbally abusing me. The devil knows how to push our buttons! And I am sad to admit I lost my temper and offered her some not very child friendly advice! But it was a real epiphany, because I quickly realised that I had to be able to keep my cool even when under great pressure, be it a mad woman, ill health, finances, all of the above or something else. I need to be more consistent in my behaviour and really, be a better representative of God - after all if I wouldn't behave like it in front of Jesus or the vicar, then I should probably adjust my attitude and behaviour.

I have also been trying to maintain a more positive attitude and thought life and can confirm that it really does seem to make a difference in circumstances and have a direct effect on my health. The more positive thinking and trusting in God I do, the more my health seems to improve.

I had had quite a run of ill health. I was starting to feel like I'd never properly improve. I'm not sure why, or whether it was a test for moving onto the next level of health, but it does feel like moving up steps and seeing overall a good gradual improvement, because I have been on the whole far better in recent weeks. I have had some more difficult days, but I've also had some days where I have felt really very well, and that for me is a miracle, especially considering what we've been up to.

When work slowed we put out a prayer request to close friends, and we were almost run out of work completely, but then it got suddenly very, very busy! Work for me had almost run out, but I've had work to do and have been out on the job a lot more. We've also been working morning, afternoon and out working evenings too.

On top of that I've had to be really on top of finances to make sure customers are paid up and bills are fine. I've had to organise Christmas, purchase all the gifts, ensure they've all arrived, write Christmas cards, thank all our customers, organise food for the festive season, organise a birthday party for my eldest, take her out shopping for new clothes as a birthday treat, and still keep on top of the house, homework and everything else. My husband and I have regularly got to bed at midnight and then we need to unwind to get to sleep, before getting up and getting going again the next day.

Last weekend was also the party, so we had a house full of teenagers from Saturday morning to Sunday lunchtime, then a few hours off before going out to watch one of my kids in the Nativity at church Sunday evening (It was the funniest nativity I've ever seen, with a six foot tall teenage boy pretending to be a sheep and saying 'baa' in a very depressed way in all the wrong places, amongst other things. And there was a great rendition of 'Little Donkey' advising Mary and Joseph to follow Health and Safety regulations that seem to dominate our country at times). So we didn't even get any 'down' time (but we did get a good laugh), or time just to vegetate last weekend and I felt like a nomad in my own home because I had to largely keep out of the way of all the teenagers (as I am not 'cool' enough to be around!).

But, this is not a moan (for once!). I am writing of how much we have had on in terms of time, effort and financially, and spoken about my health issues, because I look back at all we have been able to do and all that has been achieved and paid for (no credit cards, all paid for) and I am frankly, stunned. God has been so good! To get so much achieved, and to feel so reasonably well, is incredible.

We are feeling it though - we are only human! I am sat in my thermal trousers and top as I cannot get warm, because I am so tired, and my poor husband is still out working even though he felt really quite rough today. But what God has achieved through us, and how He has kept us going and helped us at every turn, is just amazing. I can truly sit down this Christmas, with my family, and be very, very thankful.

But even as I write this I am aware that so many others in the world have so much more real struggles than I. Those in the Philippines trying to rebuild, with no homes, no possessions, no health care and little or no food. Syrian refugees who live in tents in the snow because that's all they have. The homeless who have no shelter from the storms we have had in the UK. Those who suffer with much more urgent problems. My prayer, after my prayers of thanks for how God has helped me, must be that the Lord would equip me to be able to go out and help others. This is scriptural: "3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinithians 1: 3 - 4.

I pray that you will know God's peace and His very real love and help with whatever you need this Christmas time.

Hopefully it won't be half so long before I can post again, and apologise once again for the long delay. This time, I was MIA because of good, busy things - something to celebrate! God bless : )