The Narrow Path

I had to make a really hard decision this week. Incredibly hard. Whatever I did it was going to affect people. What to do? In the end I had to follow my gut feeling, that small voice inside and hope for the best. There was hurt, but in the long run I feel the decision will bring benefits all round and God is with us all. But I know now, although incredibly hard, I have a peace that has been missing for so long. 

Matthew 7:14 says 'Small is the gate and narrow the path that leads to life and few find it.' It's talking about becoming a Christian, following Jesus, but also applies here. I chose the narrow path, the difficult path, but am already starting to feel some benefits. Don't choose out of fear. Follow that quiet voice on the inside. Even if it's hard, it'll be worth it.

Don't forget to find me on Facebook. I'm hard to find - even I couldn't find me! But I'm under T A Christian - Blogger @theanonchristian   Look for the glasses and moustache. And no, it's not TheAnon Christian. I need to delete that rubbish attempt at setting it up 😂 Technology gets a bit beyond me and I couldn't sort that one out on my phone then my laptop died! But follow me there too because I do regular quick updates there - I'll be doing slightly more informed on here. 

As always, God Bless and may He guide you in your difficulties and your decisions.

It's OK not to be OK / Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder .... ?

I appreciate my absence has been a long one. About 5 months to be more precise.

It could be that we have had a constant round of building work within the house. It could be Christmas and birthdays. It could be that my laptop broke. There are a million and one stressful things that have kept me from blogging and started to make me feel more ill and go slightly more insane than usual.

I could go on. But the truth of it is, I haven't been coping. A young woman at my church admitted publically recently that she had a breakdown last year. And as part of her recovery she did a music event at our local church to raise money for The Mind and Soul Foundation. A Christian Mental Health charity in the UK.

Then I recently watched a documentary about a new charity set up by TRH Princes William and Harry and Kate. It's called Heads Together. The phrase that kept being repeated is that 'it's OK not to be OK'. And to talk about it.

So here I am. Saying it. I've not been OK.

My parents rejected me. My brothers have rejected me. I have been abused and I can't talk about it. Our church group has shut us out, yet accepted the very person that caused my friends to reject myself and my husband. Great friends have spurned me. I have been diagnosed with an auto immune disease that affects my adrenalin levels, similar to ME/ Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I still have this, plus a knee problem that requires surgery and a wrist problem and migraines that now fall into the chronic category. My husband has pain that can reach 9/10 on a daily basis in his back and leg due to his sciatic nerve having an issue. And as well as the 3 dogs and 4 children we were already coping with, we have now gained a 5th child, because Social Services said it was us, or she had to go back to a volatile, dangerous and abusive situation. We were already struggling financially and having to continue to work (our own business, so no sick pay and a really physical, draining job) through our various health issues. With the 5th child we are unsupported both financially and emotionally.

I have been left with social anxiety and feeling overwhelmed and stressed constantly. My husband is not dissimilar. I cling to Jesus, although I see no change and feel there is no one else to talk to. My husband is hanging by his finger nails. And as for intimacy between us. We are both stressed beyond all recognition so fall into bed unconscious. He would like to be intimate, but I can't. I have such embedded rejection now that needs to be dealt with that I don't feel comfortable being intimate with him. And it breaks my heart, because I know spiritually when we are intimate we become one, we become a team again, and I love him.

So anyways, that's why I've not blogged. I've been busy falling apart. But I am here now, talking about it. And I do believe God will put me/us back together again, piece by piece. I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I'm not OK, but I will be.

I'll be back soon, I promise. But for now I must go as my husband is on the way back from an horrific dentist appointment and he'll need a cuddle. Then, if I can summon the strength I need to email Social Services and Children's Services to try to get the help that we should have been given from the start.

God keeps giving me the promise that He'll meet all my needs. I feel like maybe this is the bottom. Today is day zero. I am praying with all my being, onwards and upwards from here. May God bless you and provide you with all the help you need too.