Between the crucifixion and Christ rising on Easter Sunday,
there was the day in between. The day where all seemed hopeless. Their Saviour,
their leader, their friend was lost to them – dead. And hope seemed to have
died with Him.
That’s where I am. I’m on the day in between.
I last posted in August 2015. I can’t believe it’s been so
long and have no idea where the time has gone.
My husband was just undergoing a spinal injection for nerve
impingement and pain. It went well and he is just about to undergo another.
However many other things have happened between then and now.
We undertook a building project to get a much need extra
bedroom for our children. It started well, but the builder, who we thought a
friend, let us down very poorly. As did the electrician, a neighbour. We have
been left with the work half done but costing twice as much, and we’ve been
living in a tip as we wait for the Lord to sort out a way to put it right, both
with time and money. The friendship, sadly, was lost.
My two boys are on the autism/ Aspgerger’s spectrum. One
will need help as he graduates to big school in September and the other has had
serious issues and has needed help and intervention and support for some time.
There have been, and still is, serious concerns for his well being and he
affects the whole house most profoundly.
My eldest is flunking college. It has just suddenly come to
light. I’ve been burning the midnight oil helping, supporting and researching
for her. The college think she has a learning disability and needs additional
help, which they can’t give. She will need to spend an extra year at college.
My youngest has always had problems with Literacy. She seems
to have the same issues as my eldest.
All four of my children need diagnosis, help and support.
Our world renowned NHS (National Health Service – supposedly ‘free’ health care
to all) is so grossly underfunded that it will not help. I have been asked to
write inch thick reports on the children and our family that have taken days
and days to do, to try to obtain help. I have been reduced to tears in the
Doctors office. I have spent hours and hours and been left in frustration, and
now need to remortgage my home to pay for help privately.
And it has come to light one of my children has been the
victim of a serious sexual assault and the Police are involved. After being
sexually abused as a child myself I’d always prayed, Lord not my children,
never my children, please spare them that.
And I’ve (understandably) had to take time off work for all
of this since January and to look after children who’ve had flu for the past
two weeks, so income has halved, whilst we’re trying to pay our tax and
national insurance bills.
You’d think that was enough. But no, the devil really likes
to make it pour!
Our neighbours, who are also Christians, are the parents of
our best friends. Every few years they kick off about something. For example, a
few year ago my husband politely asked if they could stop their daughter’s dog
(which lived with them) running up and down our fence line at 6 a.m. every
morning as it was waking him up. The response was for the husband to shout at
my husband down the phone. Then the daughter (the sister of my friend) and the
mother to come round and shouted at me (I didn’t make the complaint, but that
didn’t seem to bother them) and tell me I was an awful Christian and a dreadful
witness. I did ask them who was I witnessing to exactly, apart from them, who
were already Christians? But the sad thing is, each time they kick off over
some innocuous thing our friends (their other daughter and son-in-law) won’t
speak to us and our friendship weakens. Which is sad. We’ve been mates 25 years
and we’re Godparents to each others’ children.
Last week the same barky dog broke through their fence and
tried to bite my grocery delivery man. The dog then ran off and I spent half an
hour trying to help the Dad find him to no avail. We were told he wouldn’t be
staying there any more. But there was no apology, no thanks for helping to look
for him even though he was being vicious. I only notice that in hindsight as we
didn’t expect it, but it would’ve been nice, or at least polite.
This week, when I opened the door to my grocery order being
delivered, the man said ‘Is this your dog? He’s just sank his teeth into my
leg.’ It was a bite the size of a fist and the man ended up in hospital. The
grocery store said they may never deliver to me again.
I called the Dad to come fetch the dog. The Dad shouted at
me. My youngest autistic son was here as he’d been off ill, was in tears. ‘Why
did he shout at Mummy and wave his arms at her?’ he asked my husband. ‘Why
didn’t he ask the delivery man if he was OK?’ And now our friends won’t talk to
us, because they’re upset ad their family is upset.
We understand their upset, that to not know what will happen
to your dog (as the Police were involved by the grocery store) is an awful
thing. We’ve even expressed how sorry we were for them. But I was told on the
phone this morning by our friend, the son-in-law, to ‘be very careful what I do
now’ and to ‘watch my step’ as his wife, my friend, is very upset and that if I
didn’t tread very carefully I could risk throwing away the friendship entirely.
I pointed out that the way he was putting it, it didn’t
sound like a suggestion, but more of a threat. And what was it I am supposed to
have done anyway, apart from live in the wrong place?
These past months I feel as if I have been watching things
die. There’s been so much stress it’s been hard to keep an effective marriage
going (we’re struggling on) and health has been sorely affected. We’ve lost our
friendship with the builder and his wife (his behaviour was awful) and we’ve
slowly been watching our friendship with our ‘best friends’ die in various
ways. I’ve watched my children lose their innocence, through no fault of their
own, and struggle with learning problems and difficulties they don’t
understand. And I’ve had to speak to the Police far more times than I would
like.
I sense deep down in my spirit that this is a pruning. A
culling. A letting the ballast go. So that new growth, new friendships, can
come, so the Kingdom can grow and we can fly at last. In my spirit I can see
that. With my spirit eyes I believe wholeheartedly the future is awesome, that
God’s promises will come good at last.
But naturally speaking I am stuck, on the day in between.
“Everything that’s broke, leave it to the breeze … Trying to
push this problem up the hill, When it’s just too heavy to hold. Think now’s
the time to let it slide…. Just let it be … everything that’s broke, leave it
to the breeze, let the ashes fall. Come on, let it go. Just let it be. Why
don’t you be you, And I’ll be me?” James Bay,
Let It Go
I need to let the ashes fall. I need a moment to mourn the
losses, and the pain and the difficulties, of which there have been far too
many. I need to release my pain to God. But it may take time.
Then I need to walk in the freedom of being Me. Being who He
made me to be, even if that means losing friends who weren’t actually always
terribly friendly anyway. And I need to wait, and let Him be the great I AM I
believe him to be. Then I will fly, and He will fly with me. And together
everything will be put right, as it should be. Together, we will change the
world. (And we’ll have more friends : ))
That will come. But for now, I am on the day in between.
