I've been wanting to post for ages, but there's been so much going on I've either been run off my feet or I've not known what to say.
December was certainly busy, with so very many additional Christmas based activities and social gatherings, plus my eldest's 16th birthday. Work was also quite manic with so many customers wanting things done by Christmas and trying to earn enough to get through both my husband and I having two weeks off unpaid (as we are self-employed there are no paid holidays and no pay if we are off unwell).
I had been very careful with my accounting, frugal with my shopping, but despite my very best efforts as we stopped work for Christmas I became aware that we did not have enough money to pay for all of our bills due before we went back to work in January. Sitting there, having done the maths, realising we were coming up short was a horrendous feeling. A flush of cold sweeps through you and you start to feel a bit nauseous.
Essentially, it's fear and stress attacking. I had constant thoughts in my head that it was my fault, thoughts of shame and unworthiness, a real sense of lack and constant thoughts trying to figure out what to do and how to deal with it. The thoughts and 'voices in my head' were so constant I could not sleep and already feeling stressed and a little unwell because of how busy we'd been, I started to feel even worse. So I took the advice of a friend of ours, and instead of sending time worrying, I started to praise.
Praising God was the last thing I felt like doing, but I understood that when you praise you magnify God - you literally make Him bigger than the problem. It's also reminding yourself that the Bible says He is good all the time, and it does not lie, so even though things may look awful, God will make a way through any situation that seems impossible.
God had also spoken to me clearly about watching what I was thinking about, and quickly discarding all negative thoughts. It took about three days of really fending off negative thoughts and praising almost continually, and choosing to trust God, but I suddenly found I had broken through to a place of divine and supernatural peace. I was still very aware of the problem, but it didn't really prevent me from sleeping anymore and I was really able to enjoy life whilst God was working things out.
We were able to get away for a short break as a family over Christmas (it was already pre-booked). We stayed somewhere a couple of hours away, near a beach. We went fossil hunting (as it's part of the Jurassic Coast and fossils and dinosaurs abound) and walking with the dog, and had some really wonderful family time and rest.
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| This is the beach where we were staying |
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| So beautiful, even the tides and weather were in our favour for the most part |
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| This is the sort of thing you find on the beach everywhere; it's full of ammonites - fossilised sea creatures. |
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| This is the sort of thing the locals enjoy - on Christmas Day! All for charity, a mad British tradition! |
I was in church this past Sunday and a small toddler was in with her family and was saying 'Dada' over and over again. It reminded me how much as a parent you long to hear each child say 'Mama' or 'Dada'. And I felt God remind me that that is all He wants too. I am sure that sometimes He allows these stresses in our lives because He knows they will make us draw close to Him and He will hear us call His name.
I've taken so long to write again as we have a lot going on right now. So much of our lives is in limbo, in part because of various things that went on in the lead up to Christmas, and we're waiting on God for so much. But I will post again soon and explain all.
But overall we had a wonderful Christmas, against the odds, one of the best in years. God really took care of us. I hope and pray you did too.
I will post again soon with more of what's going on and how God is at work. And explain how the church service I wrote about in November started it all off.
Until then, be blessed : )
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